Humor Quotes - Page 54

...all members of Congress should be required wear NASCAR uniforms. You know, the kind with the patches? That way we'd know who is sponsoring each of them. I think he was kidding; they'd never be able to do it but it's a great idea and would wake people up in this country.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

If we are going to start calling industrial corn sustainable, then we might as well say that petroleum is a renewable resource if you're willing to wait long enough.

People who could easily be mistaken as preteens just shouldn’t even try to pull off the look-at-me-I’m-so-serious-and-mysterious-and-sexy look. Especially while driving because, please, you look like you are twelve and a half and driving with a serious look. Most kids who get the opportunity to drive illegally are smiling so big that they look dyslexic and about to piss their pants with excitement because they are in operation of a vehicle that isn’t manufactured by PlayStation.

Because I withered under the glare of an actual invitation, I was a firm believer in preventive prevarication--in other words, lying early in order to free myself later on.

I'm scared David""That's good, because there's lots to be afraid of

As a general rule, if anyone ever asks you to put stockings on a ninety-year old deceased Romanian woman with oedema, your answer should be no.

If I can't have your babies, I'll damn sure deliver them!

Church was doing what he often did when dropped - lying on his back with all four legs in the air, pretending to be dead in order to induce guilt in his owners.

I’m 100% certain of the quality of story I’m writing until I finish the outline and actually begin to write. At this point, I’m 100% certain the story sucks and I will never show it to another living soul. Until I type “THE END.” At this point, I’m 50% certain it sucks, 50% certain it’s brilliant, and 100% certain if I don’t show it to someone I will spontaneously combust.

[..] when we get down to the subatomic level, the solid world we live in also consists, again rather worryingly, of almost nothing and that wherever we do find something it turns out not to actually something, but only the probability that there may something there.

Nevertheless, he had, on a certain star-lit evening, said wonderingly and quite reverently: "Deh moon looks like hell, don't it?

Ask us no questions and we’ll tell you no lies.

Your kids pissing you off is an inborn instinct. It's nature's way of getting you to kick them out when they turn 18!Okaaay. ~sigh~ Due to the times, you can kick them out between the ages of 28-38. Can someone please dramatically reduce the cost of housing, already?~SHEESH~

Glen had a disability more disfiguring than a burn and more terrifying than cancer. Glen had been born on the day after Christmas. "My parents just combine my birthday with Christmas, that's all," he explained.But we knew this was a lie. Glen's parents just wrapped a couple of his Christmas presents in birthday-themed wrapping paper, stuck some candles in a supermarket cake, and had a dinner of Christmas leftovers.

I used to think that if I could talk to the spirit world, I'd get some answers. Ha bloody ha. I wish the dead would just come out and say what they mean instead of being so passive-aggressive about the whole thing.

A body is a body." Viscarro shrugged his bony shoulders. "Dead, alive, alive, dead. I fail to see the importance of the distinction."Yeah? So you'd just as soon fuck a living person as a dead one? What's the point of the distinction? Oh, right-one's normal, and one's called necrophilia."Viscarro sighed. "Touche, I suppose.

Whereas story is processed in the mind in a straightforward manner, poetry bypasses rational thought and goes straight to the limbic system and lights it up like a brushfire. It's the crack cocaine of the literary world.

Come on, it is a guest bedroom! If you want your guests to feel at home, they should be allowed to do whatever they do at home!

Oh, yes he does. He's a scientist, and they know everything. Religion is crap," declared Listen."You're the most obnoxious little brat I've ever met.""Both of you be quiet,

I sheathed my blade and glared at him. "And here I almost thought you weren't a complete bastard.""Well, that's your mistake, not mine.

When people keep telling you that you can’t do a thing, you kind of like to try it.

The only reason I'm friends with any of you is because I outgrew the von Trapps, one annoying Austrian at a time.

There isn’t anything I can tell you that you don’t already know,” Melly answered.“Yes, but if we already know it then you’re not telling us anything new,” Bea said, thinking her way through the carriages of fear on the witch’s train of thought, “and if we don’t tell you what we know and what we don’t know, then you won’t know if you’ve actually told us something we don’t know, and what you don’t know we don’t know won’t hurt you.”Melly stared at Bea, her cigarette hanging from her lip in defeat.“Did that make sense?” Joan asked.“Yes,” Melly said slowly, “but it probably shouldn’t have done.

Cade thought about this. “Let me get this straight—you secretly pretend to like poetry to impress the smart girl in your English class, while she’s secretly pretending to like football to impress you.” He paused. “That’s gotta be the cutest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.”“I guess her subconscious finds my subconscious pretty irresistible,” Zach said, all teenage confidence right then.“You were lucky to pull that line off once, Garrity. I wouldn’t push it.

Goose neck is a delicacy. You have to at least try it. In fancy restaurants people pay up to fifty dollars a plate for this stuff.' And at our house we were force-fed it for free. Just another irony of life.

He told me once that he didn't fear conscription as much as everyone else because the dozen bloodthirsty girls he was leaving behind were far more dangerous.

As a reformed procrastinator, I'm now getting things done in the first 10 seconds of the last minute.

I've had great success being a total idiot.

Nobody taught me to be like this. I was born this way. Since I opened my eyes to the world, I have never slept with a man. Never. Just imagine what purity. I have nothing to be ashamed of.[2000]

Does anyone here speak English? Or even Ancient Greek?— A very lost Marcus Brody

I'm a cat. You know cat's don't like to go outside. They actually drop their smell all over a place, and that becomes their place. So when you live with a cat, you actually live at the cat's house.

Money isn't everything...but it ranks right up there with oxygen.

Old is always fifteen years from now.

Well,” I said, “you obviously have some power. You chased off those hooligans with rotten fruit. Perhaps you have banana-kinesis? Or you can control garbage? I once knew a Roman goddess, Cloacina, who presided over the city’s sewer system. Perhaps you’re related…?”Meg pouted. I got the impression I might have said something wrong, though I couldn’t imagine what.

Are you a female dog?""What?" Massie asked.

Nobody with any real sense of humor *can* write a love story. . . . Shakespeare is the exception that proves the rule. (90-91)

If you can do a half-assed job of anything, you're a one-eyed man in a kingdom of the blind.

What if I got hit by lightning while walking with an umbrella? Ban umbrellas! Fight the menace of lightning!

I think she is going to find you too old... Yes that was it, the moment she said it I knew it was true, and the revelation caused me no surprise, it was like the echo of a dull, not unexpected shock. The age difference was the last taboo, the final limit, all the stronger for the fact that it remained the last and had replaced all the others. In the modern world you could be a swinger, bi, trans, zoo into S&M, but it was forbidden to be old.

Why did Mother ask you to help me rescue Gelsi?" I asked Leif."She thought I could assist you in some way. Instead, I had tried to-""Kill me? You can join the 'I Want to Kill Yelena Guild.' I hear they have sixmembers in good standing.Valek is president since he had wanted to kill me twice."--Yelena to Leif

Touch her, and I'll freeze your testicles off and put them in a jar. Understand?

What kind of husband would I be if I bet against my own marriage?'I smiled. 'The stupid kind. Didn't you listen to your dad when he told you not to bet against me?

An ignorant man who is regarded as knowledgeable by people who are more ignorant than him is still ignorant.

Don't sound so surprised. I have sensible moments, you know.

They can’t help it, you know. It happens in the egg,” she reasoned. “As soon as they grow that genitalia, intelligence goes right out the window and we’re left with this thing that just wants to stick it in any hole.

It's not lying when you do it to officers!

The selection process is simple. Hubby exhausts every ploy in his psychological arsenal to filter out the liars, fakes, and undesirables. (If only every husband were so devoted . . .) Me, I try to prove that I’m not the stereotypical single male. That I’m in the Lifestyle for the right reasons. That I’m courteous and respectful. All of which are true, but the burden of proof is onme. It always is.

No one likes a person that "should of" all over the place.

Pittsburgh did not smell of mayonnaise that day.

If one has no sense of humor, one is in trouble.

Writers understand the world better, but they lack the strength to change it. Perhaps that is so because they understand their limitations more than others.

Oh, come on. Drama is just life with the dull bits cut out.”“Well, I’m ready for a long patch of boredom.

Have any sheep been seen walking out of the Library with seagoing adventurers clinging to their wool?

What you see and what you listen to will determine how high you will go.

I’d lick you numb, Mariah. You have no idea the things I’m capable of.

There's no half-singing in the shower, you're either a rock star or an opera diva

You don't always have to kiss a lot of frogs to recognize a prince when you find one -Henrietta Barett

I had a dream about you. We were ice fishing in my freezer. I caught a few cold beers, and you wondered if we should drink them, or throw them back because they were babies.

That year the Ribeiro's daffodils seeded early and they seeded cockroaches. Now, ecologically speaking, even a cockroach has its place -- but these suckers bit. That didn't sound Earth-authentic to me. Not that I care, mind you, all I ask is useful. I wasn't betting on that either.