Humor Quotes - Page 176

I continued toward Atlanta with a Merle Haggard C.D. playing on the stereo. They weren't great hosts, but those guys in The Ted Kaczynski Fan Club had great taste in music. It was all classic country music- none of that sissy, boy-band country that they played on the radio all the time. I drove down the road while Merle preferred to just stay where he was and drink.

A sure way to start your own business is to stay out of everyone else’s.

POZZO:I am blind.(Silence.)ESTRAGON:Perhaps he can see into the future.

I thought all men were the enemy," he said as a tease. I narrowed my eyes. "Well who exactly do you think teaches little girls to see other little girls as the enemy, when in fact it's all just a lie to make sure we never consolidate our talents and rise to power?" I watched Lock's expression brighten and I changed the subject before he said something annoying, like how lovely I looked when I ranted about the patriarchy.

If you want to change the world, just change yourself. The world needs traitors.

Looks like it’s game time,” Shame said. “Beautiful day for some ass kicking, don’t you think?

My only companion from the outside world during nineteen years of isolation has been my personal hatred of Thursday Next. It's kind of like the old me suddenly taking over, and I promised myself that this was how I would act if I ever saw you.' 'I have the same thing, but with Tom Stoppard,' I said. 'You'd kill Tom Stoppard?' 'Not at all. I promised myself many years ago that I would throw myself at his feet and scream "I'm not worthy!" if I ever met him, so now if we're ever at the same party or something, I have to be at pains to avoid him. It would be undignified, you see—for him and for me.

In life there are heads and there are tails however when one starts to excrete thoughts out of the latter and proceed to relieve yourself out of the former than you've become too full of yourself.

Maybe we should go on lots of double dates,” Cath said, “and then we can get married on the same day in a double ceremony, in matching dresses, and the four of us will light the unity candle all at the same time.”“Pfft,” Levi said, “I’m picking out my own dress.

The amount of women you hear say, "If Donald—or Arthur—or whatever his name was—had only lived." And I sometimes think but if he had, he'd have been a stout, unromantic, short-tempered, middle-aged husband as likely as not.

Watch the book trailer to be released 10/4/16On You Tube / TheFabulousBookwormzillas

Take off your shirt."Jace raised his eyebrows. "I'm not going to attack you," she said impatiently. "I can take the sight of your naked chest without swooning.""Are you sure?" he asked, obediently sliding the shirt off his shoulders. "Because viewing my naked chest has caused many women to seriously injure themselves stampeding to get to me.

The very last thing I needed was fire burning through my palms.

How did you get in here?' (...) 'How I got here isn't important, because I could do it twenty times again, each time a different way.

Any fool can make a ruleAnd any fool will mind it.

But marrying within one's own family can get monotonous. One has heard all the same family stories, knows all the jokes and all the same recipes. No novelty.

Nathan, how can you stand playing the same piece over and over again?" And Grandpa Nate answered, "Why don't you ask me how I can stand making love to the same woman over and over again?

The F word turns me on, she whispered. The F word?FoodHe threw back his head and laughed. It rumbled up out of his chest and felt so good it startled him. For the first time in years,his laughter was spontaneous. It wasn`t tinged with bitterness and cynicism.

This was a lucky recollection -- it saved her from something like regret.

So a while back I spent a night in jail. Now, as for exactly what landed me there, I’d be so delighted to never have to go into any of the details regarding that. Besides, other people’s theories are so much more exotic and exciting than the reality. I've heard everything from 'attempted terrorism' to 'indecent public condescension.

If you rest, you rust.

Civilization exists by geological consent, subject to change without notice.

Simon turned to Jordan, who was lying down across the futon, his head propped against one of the woven throw pillows. "How much of that did you hear?""Enough to gather that we're going to a party tonight," said Jordan. "I heard about the Ironworks event. I'm not in the Garroway pack, so I wasn't invited.""I guess you're coming as my date now." Simon shoved the phone back into his pocket. "I'm secure enough in my masculinity to accept that," said Jordan. "We'd better get you something nice to wear, though," he called as Simon headed back into his room. "I want you to look pretty.

The thing about being a screenwriter, scriptwriter, or scenarist, You get to have multiple personalities and not be charged!

I don't want to be a man," said Jace. "I want to be an angst-ridden teenager who can't confront his own inner demons and takes it out verbally on other people instead.""Well," said Luke, "you're doing a fantastic job.

Sometimes when it looks like I'm deep in thought I'm just trying not to have a conversation with people.

Really, I'm trying to care, Artemis, really. But I thought it was all supposed to be over when the fat lady sings. Well, she's singing, but it doesn't appear to be over

The smaller girl hid her eyes with her hands, and Ewan smiled. Did she think that would make her invisible?

I have sex," Grace shrugged.I meant with a man," Claudia said dryly.Now why would I ruin something so good by inviting a man along?" Grace asked.

When you get crapped on, grow a garden.

I try not to take things lying down, especially rectal thermometers

Isn't it funny how the memories you cherish before a breakup can become your worst enemies afterwards? The thoughts you loved to think about, the memories you wanted to hold up to the light and view from every angle--it suddenly seems a lot safer to lock them in a box, far from the light of day and throw away the key. It's not an act of bitterness. It's an act if self-preservation. It's not always a bad idea to stay behind the window and look out at life instead, is it?

Don't call me a dinosaur. It isn't fair to the dinosaurs. What did a dinosaur ever do to you?

And Tria this is Vilenthe.” Tria just stares before collapsing onto the floor Ingra looks down “She'll be fine.” Vilenthe scowls “She has seen me before. Many years ago before I was selected for the 11th Tournament, she must've forgotten about that but we have met before.

This is a good place," he said."There's a lot of liquor," I agreed.

Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver WHILE I was having a cocktail.

Despite my mum being from a small village in the middle of a forest, I'm not a country person. I don't like my bacon sandwich to be curiously snuffling at my fingers. But sometimes being police means holding your breath and fondling a pig.

Not everything needed to be processed. Some things needed to be ignored and slept on.

You know what I can't understand? You have all these people telling you all the time how great you are, smart and funny and talented and all that, I mean endlessly, I've been telling you for years. So why don't you believe it? why do you think people say that stuff, Em? Do you think it's a conspiracy, people secretly ganging up to be nice about you?

You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.

Assuming what people want is about as controlled as using fireworks to start a fire.

When it comes to scary business, I believe that forewarned is forearmed.

I called Vee."How are you doing?" I asked."Good. How are you?""Good."Silence."Okay," Vee said in a rush, "I am still totally freaked out. You?""Totally.

HARV, can you help at all here?” I asked, spinning downward.“I am writing your obituary. Well, not so much writing it as updating it,” HARV told me.If I lived, I was going to kill HARV.

The most powerful sex organ was the brain, you know what that meansPoor Justin!

Hermes smiled. "I knew a boy once ... oh, younger than you by far. A mere baby, re

When I die I hope it may be said:'Her suffering was black, but her books were read'.

Rowl felt sure that Bridget's fragile feelings would be crushed if he denied her the pleasure of sharing her meat with him.

Being dead means never having to do anything sneaky.

He gives new meaning to the word bombed.

It's awful to be rich and mind-boggingly handsome and have women fawn over you. My heart bleeds for you. Poor dear, how do you manage?

When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth.

She asked if I loved another woman, so I answered honestly and said, “Dinner was great, but I could go for dessert.

This is the fast lane, folks...and some of us like it here.

The size of a plane does not change the weather but it will get you above it. The size of your faith may not change your situation but it will get you over it.

Mastery of anything is, more than anything else, the transformation of work into play. Giving orders and answers, never making mistakes, and having around you others with the opinion that you are great has nothing at all to do with it. Read carefully: to yearn for, to be compelled by, is being called to play.

Poor woman! She probably thought change of air might agree with many of her children.

Just like the cosmonauts and their pee plants, all we have is each other.

But this room looked like it had been decorated by the unholy lovechild of Barbie and Strawberry Shortcake.

Intelligence is being intelligent enough to know you're not so intelligent as you intelligently once thought.