Humor Quotes - Page 17

Do you really think that I don’t have anything better to do than to spend my time thinking about you? Digging up a little of the goods on Luc Martineau?”Fine lines appeared at the corners of his eyes and he laughed. “Sweetheart, there is nothing little about Luc’s goods.

I like your opera - I think I will set it to music

Ford carried on counting quietly. This is about the most aggressive thing you can do to a computer, the equivalent of going up to a human being and saying "Blood...blood...blood...blood...

...but with the hours I sometimes kept at the coffeehouse I had to have learned to take naps during the day or die, and I had learned to take naps. Up until five months ago "something or other or die" had always seemed like a plain choice in favor of the something or other.

Emilio appeared with wine before Cal could say anything, and Min beamed at him, grateful for the rescue. "Emilio, my darling. I forgot to mention cake boxes. Two hundred cake boxes.""Already on it," Emilio said. "Nonna said you'd need them. She said to get four-inch-square boxes for three-inch-square cakes.""I'm getting the boxes," Min said, nodding. "Sure. Great. Fine. Your grandmother is an angel and you are my hero. And of course, a genius with food.""And you are my favorite customer." Emilio kissed her cheek and disappeared back into the kitchen."I love him," she told Cal."I noticed," Cal said. "Been seeing him behind my back, have you?""Yes," Min said. "We've been having conversations about cake.""Whoa," Cal said. "For you, that's talking dirty.

Who made you Queen of Literacy? Go sit in your car!

I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

One of the world's most tiresome questions is what object one would bring to a desert island,because people always answer "a deck of cards" or "Anna Karenina" when the obvious answer is "a well equipped boat and a crew to sail me off the island and back home where I can play all the card games and read all the Russian novels I want.

Canada is a myth people made up to entertain children, like the Tooth Fairy. There’s no such place.

Down there between our legs, it's like an entertainment complex in the middle of a sewage system. Who designed that?

I know for a fact that I would be awful if I was built like Serena Williams or Jennifer Lopez... If I had a body remotely close to what they have, I would be a terror. My ass would cause me to do really inappropriate and rude things. I'd be so ridiculous that people would be able to pick my labia out of a lineup. I'd wear zero clothes any- and everywhere, every day. I'd show up at church rocking a denim thong and a cropped T-shirt and have the nerve to sit right next to the head usher and dare her to say anything to me. And if anyone did say something to me, I'd tell them, "Jesus blessed me in many ways, and I am just showing off His works. HALLELUJAH." People would be disgusted and appalled by me and I wouldn't care. All insults would bounce off my ample backside. To whom much is given, much is required, and I'd require that my much would be given nary an inch of fabric. I'd hire a band whose sole job would be to follow me around and play theme music for my yansh, based on the mood I was in... I might opt to walk backwards into any room I entered, because why not?... I might also declare my booty its own limited liability corporation, assigning myself as CEO and chairman of the Donk. My jeans would be tax-deductible business expenses, and I would add my ass to my LinkedIn profile's Skills section. Everyone would throw hate ration in my dancery, and I wouldn't even see it, protected as I would be by the throne I sat atop.

Procrastination is not the problem. It is the solution. It is the universe's way of saying stop, slow down, you move too fast. Listen to the music. Whoa whoa, listen to the music. Because music makes the people come together, it makes the bourgeois and the rebel. So come on people now, smile on your brother, everybody try to love one another. Because what the world needs now is love, sweet love. And I know that love is a battlefield, but boogie on reggae woman because you're gonna make it after all. So celebrate good times, come on. I've gotta stop I've gotta come to my senses, I've been out riding fences for so long... oops I did it again... um... What I'm trying to say is, if you leave tonight and you don't remember anything else that I've said, leave here and remember this: Procrastinate now, don't put it off.

Bite me, Harry Potter.

Now it is easy to perceive that the moral part of love is a factitious sentiment, engendered by society, and cried up by the women with great care and address in order to establish their empire, and secure command to that sex which ought to obey.

I don't remember ever signing up for weird. It just sort of happened.

Hm. Didn’t you use to be a lot smaller?”“Yes,” said Jinx. “Because I used to be six.

You can be intensely aggravating...” His expression struck me as closer to boredom than aggravation. “And somehow I suspect this isn’t the first time you’ve been told that.”“Nope,” I smiled mischievously. “Nor the last…

I am a wizard, not a baboon brandishing a stick.

No, I do my torturing in the dungeon like any other respectable castle owner,

Be careful what you tell me. You could end up in my next novel.

Do short people reach their full potential quicker?

Grown ups are complicated creatures, full of quirks and secrets.

So, Azalee—” When he turned to her, she stared daggers back—almost as though she had read his mind. Can Chertzes do that? he wondered in a wild moment of panic.“What?” bit Azalee when he didn’t continue.Mighty Zeus, could he go five minutes without offending a woman?

We are sometimes dragged into a pit of unhappiness by someone else’s opinion that we do not look happy.

You know, you can always do a three some.”“A three some?” I frowned. “No.”He shrugged. “Just a thought.”“Yeah, a dumb one,” I spat.“Hey! I didn’t call your idea to re-wallpaper the kitchen a dumb idea!”“You have a problem with the new paper?” I demanded.“Pop, please, it’s hideous,” Trick said.

Coincidentally, a good age for a Japanese girl is younger than twenty five, because that's when she turns into a 'Christmas Cake'. Christmas cakes, as everyone knows, are desirable before the twenty fifth but afterward quickly become stale and are put on the shelf.

I married my first husband for love, my second husband for adventure, and my third husband for laffs.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

good girls go to heaven and bad girls go everywhere

Death is, in fact, oddly pleasant, and certainly an improvement on what comes immediately before it.

People have sex, even the religious ones. Yet, when sex is transferred into words, suddenly it's dirty, vulgar, immoral, trashy. Funny huh?

Pamela produced placid babies. "They don't tend to turn feral until they're two," she said.

Falling in love is painful on the knees.

History has rewritten itself so many times I'm not really sure how it was to begin with -- it's a bit like trying to guess the original color of a wall when it's been repainted eight times.

Seeing thou hast now given me the way, I will proceed to speak before thee: for our mother, of whom thou hast told me that she is young, draw now nigh unto age.

Another relative?" Valek asked.A broad smile stretched Moon Man's lips. "Yes. I am her mother's uncle's wife'sthird cousin."--Valek and Moon Man

Are you watching the boats?" Cornelia guessed. She craned her neck to see if there was any excitement on the river.Heavens no, I'm spying on people," Virginia responded unrepentantly.-Cornelia E and Virginia Somerset

I'm beginning to think that if you're going to have a role model you should probably pick someone who's already dead so they can't disappoint you.

He was an embittered atheist (the sort of atheist who does not so much disbelieve in God as personally dislike Him)...

How had they met? By chance, like everybody else. What were there names? What's it to you? Where were they coming from? From the nearest place. Where were they going? Does anyone really know where they're going?

Everyone thinks you've been kidnapped," he said. "We've been scouring the ship. When Coach Hedge finds out- oh, gods, you've been here all night?""Frank!" Annabeth's ears were as red as strawberries. "We just came down here to talk. We fell asleep. Accidentally. That's it.""Kissed a couple of times," Percy said.Annabeth glared at him. "Not helping!

Sometimes losing a pet is more painful than losing a human because in the case of the pet, you were not pretending to love it.

Folks, it's time to evolve. That's why we're troubled. You know why our institutions are failing us, the church, the state, everything's failing? It's because, um – they're no longer relevant. We're supposed to keep evolving. Evolution did not end with us growing opposable thumbs. You do know that, right?

Sunshine, I... Starla's voice broke off as she entered the room and caught sight of him standing naked in the corner. She eyed him in an odd, detached way, as if he were an interesting piece of furniture.Talon and modesty were strangers, but the way she stared at him made him damned uncomfortable. In spite of the sunlight, Talon grabbed the pink blanket off the bed and clutched it to his middle.You know, Sunshine, you need to find a man like that to marry. Someone so well hung that even after three or four kids, he'd still be wall to wall.Talon gaped.Sunshine laughed. "Starla, you're embarrassing him.

The only time I hold my wife's hand tightly is when my wallet is in her other hand.

A study in the Washington Post says that women havebetter verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.

Everything is, the way it is, for a reason. Or it isn't. Or neither. Or both. It's so hard to tell. It's so hard to tell you're a mile away by the Luke in your eye.

One should never give up on hope. Unless that's the name of the girl who cheated on you in which case, yeah, give her up.

You think us fairies don’t understand sarcasm? We invented sarcasm.

In the new faith, there is only one commandment. It is this commandment, and this commandment alone, that must be followed to end the times of suffering, which are soon to come. FORSAKE USURY.

So why aren’t more marketing companies targeting our age group? Why are there so many youth-oriented programs and advertisements on television today? Why are we being ignored? Don’t companies realize they are missing a huge market?Now granted, a visit to the local mall will show you there are a lot of teenagers hanging out there these days. But are they shopping? Are they spending money? No. They’re “hanging.” Contrary to what our skin might be doing, we members of the over-forty crowd don’t “hang.” We shop, and not just window shop either. We’re serious buyers. When we pick up an item and turn it over to see the price, we often carry it right on over to the checkout counter and pay for it. Why? Because we know the energy involved with picking up items. We don’t do it unless we’re committed.

Fear causes the dog to bite and Roze was one bitch.

I don't wanna be the joker who makes eyes full of tears in the end

I am a Tralfamadorian, seeing all time as you might see a stretch of the Rocky Mountains. All time is all time. It does not change. It does not lend itself to warnings or explanations. It simply is. Take it moment by moment, and you will find that we are all, as I've said before, bugs in amber.

I refuse to put God into a little box I can handle, for that would insult us both.

I like all my children, even the squat and ugly ones.

I was a little excited but mostly blorft. "Blorft" is an adjective I just made up that means 'Completely overwhelmed but proceeding as if everything is fine and reacting to the stress with the torpor of a possum.' I have been blorft every day for the past seven years.

Kaitlyn froze and then said in a low tone, "That'd better be your gun." "Why yes, I always pack my gun where it'll blow my balls off."[Landon]

The only good thing about people not taking me seriously is that I'm not serious myself!