Comedy Quotes - Page 12

Saer is a great big poop, and you shouldn't listen to anything he says," I said, panting just a little."Obviously, he was trying to demoralize me.""Men who are poops demoralize people all the time," I agreed

CREONTA: Rope! My rope! Hang those two thieves by the neck until they are dead.THE ROPE: Alack, but vile and ill-natured female! Upon wherein did thine affections tarry when I didst but lie here and rot for many a year? Nay, but those fellows tooketh care to remove the wetness that didst plagueth me of late and hath laid me upon the cool ground to revel in a state of dryness. Nay, I wouldst not delay them in their noble course for all thine base and bestial howling.CREONTA: Then, you, dearest donkey, precious beast of burden, tear those two apart and eat their flesh!DONKEY: Nay, but alas for many a season didst you but keep the food of the tummy from me and my mouth when it was that I required it of you. These fine gentlemen of fortune didst but give me carrots of which to partake which I did most verily and forthsoothe with merriment. I havest decided that thou dost suck most verily and no longer will I layth the smackth down in thine name but will rather let such gentlemen as these go free of themselves. TRUFFALDINO: [To the audience.] Well, what do you know? Fakespeare!

The difference between a man and a woman is whether to ask for directions.

What I find predictable is crazy people's ability to predict that unpredictable people can be predicted by their consistent unpredictable behavior, thus making all crazy people predictable when the world says they are unpredictable. Therefore, I must be “right” because I can predict crazy because I have been trained in the unpredictable nature of consistent craziness because I am crazy.

I shouted the perfect words to scare him off. It was just the delivery (and only the delivery) that made me sound like a twelve-year-old girl with pee running down her leg. I felt dirty and stupid.

Here is my final point. About drugs, about alcohol, about pornography and smoking and everything else. What business is it of yours what I do, read, buy, see, say, think, who I fuck, what I take into my body - as long as I do not harm another human being on this planet?

If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it.

Maybe your aunt is funny in quiet moments with her friends because like many women her age, she was taught to not draw attention to herself. And maybe she also noticed how men of her generation weren't attracted to the women who spoke out of turn and uttered their own opinions out loud. And certainly these types of men weren't attracted to women who were funnier than them. Women have always been funny. They just weren't interested in sharing their jokes with you. Truth in point, my mom is hilarious. She has also been single since 1974.

How do you keep a mattress on the roof of your car from flying?”t“Yeah, well, I don’t know how many people know it, but a lot of people have learned that putting your arm up there to hold the mattress is not going to work.

You can never talk religion on network TV. It makes too many people angry. You can talk about sex.

Secrets are dangerous.” Gottfried Baumauer.

under the gold standard, a free banking system stands as the protector of an economy's stability and balanced growth... The abandonment of the gold standard made it possible for the welfare statists to use the banking system as a means to an unlimited expansion of credit... In the absence of the gold standard, there is no way to protect savings from confiscation through inflation

Oh, well, I know that Libby." He rolls his eyes. "I've never met anyone more committed to, well, life that you are.""Really?" I swallow rather hard. "Even though I keep on screwing my life up?""Sweetheart, precisely because you keep screwing your life up! I mean look at you. You had the crappiest career eve in the world before you turned everything around and became this shit-hot jewellery designer. You set your head on fire with a cigarette and ended up being utterly adored by the guy who had to put you out... And I do adore you, by the way," he adds, in a nonchalant sort of way, "in case you ever had wondered. Oh, and then there's your love of life. Loads of girls would have just sunk...

Duct tape can't fix stupid," Bas growled. "Maybe not," Red replied, "but it can hold it down and muffled the screams.

Even though Sean still held my head down I was the only one who thought to ask"Who's driving the boat?" Over the motor I heard girls screaming at us the instant before we crashed.

Hi Maggie, it's nice to see you again,' he said, smiling so sweetly I thought I might need insulin.

Come here, let me share a bit of wisdom with you.Have you given much thought to our mortal condition?Probably not. Why would you? Well, listen.There's no one alivewho can say if he will be tomorrow.Our fate moves invisibly! A mystery.No one can teach it, no one can grasp it.Accept this! Cheer up! Have a drink!You can let the rest go. Am I making sense?I think so. How about a drink.Put on a garland. I'm surethe happy splash of wine will cure your mood.We're all mortal you know. Think mortal.Because my theory is, there's no such thing as life,

Don't you ever think that maybe the reason behind why heroes are so dedicated to saving people is because they want to finish them off in the end? I mean, in that case, the villains should be the heroes and the heroes should be the villains so that the hero-villains won't be mistaken with the villain-heroes and the villains can be friends with the heroes. And the entire villain-hero and hero-villain world can be one big happy family. With me stuck in the middle.

Okay, now I know your yanking my chain. Pigs will fly before Blake would ask for our help." Rhoan"Better start ducking those flying piggies then, bro, because I'm totally serious." Riley

What is she doing here? I wondered. Hasn't she had enough green-upping?

Don't you remember what your grandfather used to say? That thing about pots and people?""That pots were like people," Alex replied flatly, thinking back to his grandfather carrying a tray of wet freshly thrown clay pots across the studio in ancient Athens. "He said you couldn't tell how well they'd turn out until they'd been fired in the kiln.""Well then?""Well then, what?" muttered Alex. "Some pots shatter in the heat, Aries. I should know. I was the one who had to sweep them up every evening. Sometimes it's better not to go near the fire.""Well, that's the spirit I must say!" huffed Aries. "Thank you very much!

Friendship is constant in all other thingsSave in the office and affairs of love.Therefore all hearts in love use their own tongues.Let every eye negotiate for itself,And trust no agent; for beauty is a witchAgainst whose charms faith melteth into blood.

[T]he most comic things of all are exactly the things most worth doing--such as making love.

I still ask myself why did you watched the film Paranormal Activity the all parts or the film "The VIsit" 2015. Both were home made and not big deal even stupid, you even watch football + you play one game over and over and over, you play stupid games + you watch stupid stuff and after all you still ask yourself why you are stupid. The answer is somewhere here, search it!

Life is a drama full of tragedy and comedy. You should learn to enjoy the comic episodes a little more.

Laughter and enjoyment is the key to Entertainment.

If you cannot find an element of Humour in something, your not taking it seriously enough.

There are 3 reasons for why you can't beat me. First, I'm better looking than you are. Second, your blows are too light. And third, there's nothing in the world I can't tear up.

...his knees were held together by the skin-tight trousers, which consequently narrowed the aperture through which great quantities of malodorous, rancid dreck were shortly to emerge with great force. St John knew that this was likely to prove troublesome. Although his mid-morning bab was usually undertaken in a more perfunctory manner, he would still have been mindful enough to ensure that his trousers were well below the knee before he commenced the disagreeable act, but in his current predicament, he was in no state to dally.

If by fawning, you mean he’s a deer, I have a gun, and it’s hunting season, then I guess you’re right.

I understand the, um, difficulty the French expatriates might have, especially after projects in Brazil, Mexico, and Colombia. My heart goes out to you all.’ Katrina wished she could control that stupid smile that was aching to spread on her face as Luc Gautier became bright red. ‘But this is Chennai . . . South India. Not even your largest glass manufacturing facility with 1,000-tonne capacity per day will save you from being slapped.

The perfect body protects its owner from disease, gives birth to amazing new people and stops your bones from falling out. The end.

You can't draw lines in the sand like that. Humour's a tsunami that doesn't care about your little lines.

It was too early in the morning for this fuckery.

THAT'S IT!" Terminus cried. "That's AGAINST THE RULES!"Polybotes frowned, obviously confused that he was being told off by a statue. "What are you?" he growled. "Shut up!"He pushed the statue over and turned back to Percy."Now I'm MAD!" Terminus shrieked. "I'm strangling you. Feel that? Those are my hands around your neck, you big bully. Get over here! I'm going to head-butt you so hard--

I lost my mind. I lunged at him and inhaled all of his fries standing up a foot away from the trash can. No food is as delicious as food you eat standing a foot away from a trash can. Ask any possum.

It's far too easy to forget, miss or not appreciate the tiny things a partner does for you every single day. But should you wait until it's over or they've gone to whisper (I love you) just one more time?

And Tria this is Vilenthe.” Tria just stares before collapsing onto the floor Ingra looks down “She'll be fine.” Vilenthe scowls “She has seen me before. Many years ago before I was selected for the 11th Tournament, she must've forgotten about that but we have met before.

OTHER lives may find their happiest moments infiltrated with tragedy, and their proudest touched with comedy. This had almost invariably been true of mine. My proudest hour found me, the newly elected president of the United Nations, perched atop three thick New York City telephone books given me in lieu of a cushion that I might see and be seen by the delegates below the podium.

HARV, can you help at all here?” I asked, spinning downward.“I am writing your obituary. Well, not so much writing it as updating it,” HARV told me.If I lived, I was going to kill HARV.

The human comedy is always tragic, but since its ingredients are always the same—dupe, fox, straight, like burlesque skits—the repetition through the ages is comedy.

If ye wear underwear, it's a skirt. If ye dinna, it's a kilt.

You think I'm deranged! How refreshing. Everyone here takes me so seriously, it's a wonderful change to be thought mentally deficient.

Well I beat things around with my stick once in awhile.

Comedy was one of those genres that while appearing quite jolly was actually highly dangerous.

Walking into Nova Hollywood, I remembered why I didn’t come here more often. I like a good slice of cheese as much as the next guy, but this place would be too cheesy for a giant mutant rat who had been starving for a week.

I watched 60 Minutes...and they showed this woman, she's in every kind of..thing like that. 'This woman', they say, 'she lost her first four children--died from malnutrition--and, now, she's afraid that her new six-month-old newborn twins will suffer the same fate'. ... Who's going to step in and say...'kick her in the cunt 'til it doesn't work', 'that woman is a sociopath! that is a sick human being!'. ... How much of a sociopath do you need to be? That is the slow ritual torture-murder of children, one after another! At what point does cause-and-effect not kick in? How many bulb-headed skeletons have to go stiff in your arms?! ... 'what? this one's not working... oh, well let's try again', one after another. At what point do you not go 'I think this is bad'? ... How many kids are you going to fuckin' kill, lady? ... If you impregnate someone under those conditions, they should abort the parents! that's sick!

Tsuyokini,honkiMutekini,sutekiGenki,yuuki!--Kusakabe Maron

Death is complicated."-Johann Kraus

And Dilmore seems to be ignoring us again.” Tria says

How my heart missed beating like this. For him. Only for him.

There was Arctic John, a businessman from Salisbury who doesn’t hold water, Bruce Knott, a social worker from Cumberland who spends his lunch hour picking his bum, and Judith Glycerine, the reformation pig.

Oh, friend John, it is a strange world, a sad world, a world full of miseries, and woes and troubles, and yet when King Laugh come he make them all dance to the tune he play.

Comedy writers don't join fraternities.''Don't pigeon hole me, Georgie, I'm infinite.

This isn't where I intended to be. Killing a person has a funny way of getting your life off-track.

Only criminals and madmen walk into Central Park after midnight...or, occasionally, an actor. (Dark City Lights)

Laughing made me feel safe. I was not going to be enveloped by the seediness that coated this world like dust.

Tiberius sparred, “Mr. Monogamy doesn’t find my shenanigans funny? Oh thank god, if you did I’d have to chuck it all and join a monastery.” Thorne sparred, “You’d never be able to stop talking long enough.” Frost laughed, “He’d light on fire as soon as he stepped through the gate.” t“Right alongside of you,” Tiberius said, patting Frost’s shoulder. t“Touché,” Frost chuckled. “You do have me there.

You took a bath without me?"I smiled to myself at the accusation in his voice.

They are treading water in a sea of retarded sexuality and bad poetry.