Sarcasm Quotes - Page 2

It'll make you look rugged,' Mel says.'Because I woke up this morning,' I say, 'and the one thing I realized I lacked was ruggedness.

Stop moving!' Hermione ordered them. 'I know what this is - it's Devil's Snare!''Oh, I'm so glad we know what it's called, that's a great help,' snarled Ron, leaning back, trying to stop the plant curling around his neck.

I—though forced through lack of space to assume the form of a stoic guinea pig crouched between the girl's shoe and the glove compartment—was my usual dignified self.

If you are going to do that, would you mind not jostling the bed so much?' came a sarcastic voice near the head board. 'Perhaps you could roll around on the floor.

Phones with numerical keypads worked best for dialing phone calls. Incidentally, phone calls tend to be the primary function of a phone. 'Smartphones' completely ignore these basic facts, resulting in some of the least intelligent devices I've seen yet. Oh the irony.

If time is money and you wasted my time, then give me back my money!

So what were your favorite subjects in school?""School?" He leaned back in his chair as though he needed the extra space to think about it. "Probably math. It always made sense. Unlike English, economics, and girls.""And exactly how do you plan on taking over the free world if you don't understand economics?""I'll hire advisers. I'll hire you, in fact.""Okay. Let me know when your army of junior high zombies is ready.

Are you a house-wife, Mrs Silvers?' he asked. 'What would you recommend for getting burger relish out of a white shirt?'The seething woman cranked the venom-level of her gaze up to eleven, and Raven smiled pleasantly back.

Rest assured you make perfectly good nonsense.  I understand you one-hundred-percent not at all.

My maid never sweeps under the bed so I asked her to do so today. Found a pen, three pairs of shoes and the man I had lost two years ago.

You are perfectly right in objecting to them [modern art], for this one great fault - that they have not yet had time to become old.

Kaitlyn froze and then said in a low tone, "That'd better be your gun." "Why yes, I always pack my gun where it'll blow my balls off."[Landon]

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.' Yeah, well, whoever wrote that was a friggin' idiot.

Just remember that you're on my list, Marcone. Soon as I get done with all the other evils in this town, you won't be the lesser of them anymore."Marcone stared at me with half-lidded eyes and said, "Eek.

Wouldn't want to miss a war, would I?

Mmm, being irresistibly likeable is such a trial,' she drawled in an impeccable aristocratic whine. 'One is constantly in demand, but one must do one's duty, mustn't one, dear chap? Noblesse oblige and all that...

A big man stood looking out the window at the night. He had a close-cropped haircut, obviously military, and wore a camouflage uniform. Pink scalp showed through his light colored hair and his thick neck glowed red. There's a stroke waiting to happen. Tara couldn't stop the irreverent thought.

I was dead, and I hadn't even been able to attend my own funeral.

Dear Producers, Something is radiating deep within me and it must be transmitted or I will implode and the world will suffer a great loss, unawares. Epic are the proportions of my soul, yet without a scope who cares am I? This is why I must but must be one of the inhabitants of MTV's "Real World." Only there, burning brightly into a million dazzled eyes, will my as yet uncontoured self assume the beauteous forms that are not just its own, but an entire market niche's, due. I am a Kirk Cameron-Kurt Cobain figure, roguishly quirky, dandified but down to earth, kooky but comprehensible; denizen of the growing penumbra between alternative and mainstream culture; angsty prophet of the already bygone apocalypse, yet upbeat, stylish and sexy!Oscar Wilde wrote, "Good artists exist in what they make, and consequently are perfectly uninteresting in what they are. A great poet, a really great poet, is the most unpoetical of all creatures. But inferior poets are absolutely fascinating... [they] live the poetry [they] cannot write." As with Dorian Gray, life is my art! Oh MTV, take me, make me, wake me from my formless slumbers and place me in the dreamy Real World of target marketing.

Is this the baby?" I said.Ma turned on me again."What do you think it is?" she said. "A midget that can't talk?

I was starting to hate my sixteenth birthday. A poufy white dress and a cake with roses made out of pink icing and awkward dancing with boys in awkward suits was starting to sound like a great alternative. Seriously. Sign my up, I wouldn't even complain.

I try to smile at her, but I can't extend my flexibility training to my mouth, it just won't move.

Look at what you've done,' Sanguine said, shaking his head with mock severity. 'You have foiled out insidious little plot. You have emerged triumphant and victorious. Curse you, do-gooders. Curse you.

I'm financially ugly.

That's a good attitude. You should hate me more, curse me more, and detest me! Then you should take the power of that hatred and use it to survive this rotten world.

Sebastian just smiled. “I could hear your heart beating,” he said softly. “When you were watching me with Valentine. Did it bother you?”“That you seem to be dating my dad?” Jace shrugged. "You’re a little young for him, to be honest.”“What?” For the first time since Jace had met him, Sebastian seemed flabbergasted.

At one time, the treatment for a certain kind of psychosis had been to push an ice pick up through the orbit of the eye, into the frontal lobe; the ice pick was then stirred around until it reduced the problematic brain tissue to non-functioning porridge.

Chalk again?" Cal seemed almost disappointed. "Too bad there's no chalk monster."Penn snorted with amusement. Chalk monster. That was like saying it was a vampire. Everyone knew vampires didn't exist. Zombies who drank blood to stay alive. Ridiculous.

I’ve been surrounded by nitwits my entire life.

If you are reading this, I'm dead. Don't celebrate too much. Jesus is watching.

Yeah you can have a word," said Harry savagely. "Good-bye.

Sarcasm is the language of people whose emotions are dying.

If only a stare can kill, I'm already a murderer.

It's a Christmas miracle. I had no tree. Now I have a forest.

Women do not lie about their age. In fact, no woman ever has, its just that memory is the first thing to go.

The over-weight and out of shape guy who owned the house had apparently decided that having a half-million dollar house meant that he couldn’t afford to hire someone to clean out his gutters. Now he was dead with what looked to me like a broken neck after the ladder had slipped. He’d taken the plunge into his fancy landscaping—complete with rock garden. But hey, his fucking gutters were clean.

Poetry is a disease vector. Like malaria.

Sam gave Captain Suicide a droll stare. "How did you die again? Oh wait, I know this. 'I can take 'em. I don't need to wait for reinforcements. I can do it myself.' How'd that work out for you again?

Liraz snorted, caught off guard, and the tension between them ebbed away. "I'm sorry of my almost dying interrupted your almost kissing.

Sarcasm is the new staircase to stardom.

No, no. By all means, lead on. Nothing gets the blood pumping more than hunting down the biggest threat to the realm and deciding we'll just wing it.

You will never find me in trouble. You will find me in the library. If you can remember where that is.

The words, I love you, are empty without clarification. Women prefer to be told what they can expect. It is measurable like a Weight Watcher’s diet, with extra points at the end of the week if you don’t cheat.

Could you please stop dripping your sarcasm all over my car’s interior?

Why, you mean you didn't get abducted and dragged across country purely to make us a story for us to chew over endlessly?" asked Pip, tossing his shock of tow-colored hair indignantly. "The nerve!

I'm transferring Ian down to New Orleans to assist with this,” Arch said as he looked at both men. “I would send Shayne, but Anna won't let him go anywhere without her. They're still in the honeymoon phase.” He made a quote motion with his fingers. Peter and Vincent exchanged horrified looks, before Peter responded. “Please, don't put us through that torture.

You’re supposed to pinch yourself – not the one you’re dreaming about.

You don’t like my restaurant, Miss Connor?” “I couldn’t say since the waiting list to get in is six months long.” One side of his mouth curved up. “This is true.” His finger lingered, and I tried to swallow the nervous lump in my throat. “I think you can call me by my first name now, seeing as how you’re touching my boob. That puts us a little past formality, don’t you think?

She'd met Colin on a Monday.She'd kissed him on a Friday.Twelve years later.She sighed. It seemed fairly pathetic.

And here I was thinking you were a bit slow, what with so much asking and not knowing anything.

Here she is,” her mum said, cooing at the baby, “my special girl.”“Oh, cheers,” Valkyrie said, rolling her eyes.

In some ways blowjobs are better than sex because when you have a mouthful of cock you can't make snide comments.

Why should repeat 2-3 for the same question. Let tongue and brain connect before talking.I'm not sarcastic, I'm just brutally honest !

No zek had the right to stay one second in his workroom without the supervision of a free employee because prudence dictated that the prisoner would be bound to use that unsupervised second to break into the steel safe with a lead pencil, photograph its secret documents with a trouser button, explode an atom bomb, and fly to the moon.

...Though drowned was just as dead as any other way of dying.

We both want you dead. I'm bringing the friendship bracelets to the next meeting.

You were a well-respected agent, Michael, a rags-to-riches fairytale ending. Until you became disgraced. Now it appears your own organization wishes to be rid of you. Why is this?”“My gun turned back into a pumpkin.

I’m sorry that your mystical, godlike powers do not instantly work as you would like them to.

I have church on Sunday.”“Of course you do.”“You’re welcome to come along.”“Thanks, but I’m allergic to incense.”“That’s a shame.”“It’s the bane of my existence.”- Beth and Jake

It was a very proper wedding. The bride was elegantly dressed---the two bridemaids were duly inferior---her father gave her away---her mother stood with salts in her hand expecting to be agitated---her aunt tried to cry--- and the service was impressively read by Dr. Grant.