Jokes Quotes - Page 3

The higher you rise in the business ladder, the smaller your balls become.

Some disabled people spend a significant amount of their energy on trying to come across as abled or as not that disabled.

Many obese people spend a significant amount of their energy on suppressing the urge to tell some of the people who are staring at them that they do not eat as much and as frequently as they seem to.

She points to where he went and looks to the neutral Baumen. “He—he did that to me on purpose! He’s insane. Literally, insane!”The munchkin just shrugs. “Welcome aboard!” and returns unconcerned to his work.

Our country is the best country in the world. We are swimming in prosperity and our President is the best president in the world. We have larger apples and better cotton and faster and more beautiful machines. This makes us the greatest country in the world. Unemployment is a myth. Dissatisfaction is a fable. In preparatory school America is beautiful. It is the gem of the ocean and it is too bad. It is bad because people believe it all. Because they become indifferent. Because they marry and reproduce and vote and they know nothing.

Death would be an extremely bad thing like most of us paint it, if being dead were painful.

. Despite the considerable horror they had felt when the SA men were bellowing crude anti-Semitic slogans, in retrospect the joke-tellers were very much aware of the boycott’s inherent absurdity:A city on the Rhine during the boycott: SA men stand in front of Jewish businesses and “warn” passers-by against entering them. Nonetheless, a woman tries to go into a knitting shop.An SA man stops her and says, “Hey, you. Stay outside. That’s a Jewish shop!”“So?” replies the woman. “I’m Jewish myself.”The SA man pushes her back. “Anyone can say that!

Jokes against the legal profession were what the legal profession loved most.

One of the greatest gifts in this world is the ability to make others smile. - The Unauthorized Autobiography of Jonathan Fisher

Nothing is as irritating to a shy man as a confident girl.

He said, “If God lived on Earth people would stalk his Facebook page and leave nasty comments on his Pinterest site.” Then it sunk in- timing was everything and social media was the devil.

Life would be perfect if monster would stop farting.

It sometimes seemed to him that for love to work, it had to be fair, that he should tell only half the joke, and she the other half. Otherwise, it would not be love, but something completely else–pity or entertainment, or stand-up comedy.

In this storyI am the poetYou're the poetry.

Many things have been compared to a brick, mainly as a tribute to their intellect or to their aerodynamic characteristics.

All I have is me, myself and I and we are all getting really tired of each other.

Taking good care of your husband or wife is the best way to thank their parent or parents for having taken good care of them.

And how should we behave during this Apocalypse? We should be unusually kind to one another, certainly. But we should also stop being so serious. Jokes help a lot. And get a dog, if you don't already have one.

Treat me like a joke, watch me leave you like its funny

A person reveals his character by nothing so clearly as the joke he resents.

Bleeding for a decadeFor a decade,We bleed like there is no hell but the earthWe bleed like we were born to dare We bleed like there is nothing alive inside.We find a clueAfter a decadeBleeding is just to breathSimply keeps us alive.

Finally, my watchers had to fess up. In embarrassed and genuinely polite tones, they said they had no other choice but to arrest me. Then they accompanied me to the prison across the way. As I entered, an extremely tall SS man leapt in front of me and asked: “Do you have any weapons?” “Why?” I responded. “Do I need any?

To increase the chances of a writer trying to kill themselves, cut off their hands.

Nothing humbles a beautiful woman better than not being wanted by a man whose girlfriend or wife is ugly (or not as beautiful as she is).

Don't be ridiculous. Brussels sprouts are awful. Jail is just jail.

We are sometimes hurt mostly or only not by what happened or is happening to us but by being felt sorry for.

The average adult hates being treated like a child, unless it suits them.

The right honorable gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests, and to his imagination for his facts.

Some jokes are stupid and useless, if you can't get it. It's to stupid to go in it, but whatever!- Make your choice!

We would not be ashamed of doing some of the things we do in private, if the number of sane human beings who do them in public were large enough.

Why is a Christmas tree better than a man? Because it stays up, has cute balls, and looks good with the lights on!

The answer to the question ‘How many children do you have?’ and the one to the question ‘How many children are you raising?’ are not identical in all cases: some men are not taking care of their own children, some are knowingly or unknowingly raising other men’s children, and some do not even know that they each have a child, another child, or other children.

The fact that you have just buried your parent or parents and/or sibling or siblings does not make you less likely to die today.

Some people love but will never marry each other. Some are married to but have never loved and will never love each other.

Unbeknown to us, some of the people who we hope are missing us wherever they are do miss us; some miss someone else; and some are dead.

Nicolas Cage is the best for taking the role of character Joker. He is pretty damn good at jokes!

What do you suppose is the use of a child without any meaning? Even a joke should have some meaning-- and a child's more imporant than a joke, I hope. You couldn't deny that, even if you tried with both hands.

Is my coitus whimsically inventive?

They all laughed when I said I'd become a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

In days long past, Jarod said he’d write a sentence about my love, translated in Russian, and that sentence, like my love, is clearly not for sale, unlike his virginity, or this book, which I’m both offering at ten times the market value, so hurry up and buy now, before it goes down.

Some people would not be dead if they have not gotten the things or people they had prayed for.

Whenever He answers prayers, God usually prioritizes those by people who, instead of their mouths, have prayed with their hands and/or feet.

Some people would not have remained with their partners, if the unfortunate things that have happened to them had happened to their partners, or if the fortunate things that have happened to their partners had happened to them.

Passing their toilet training is the very last thing that some adults did that has made their parents proud of them.

Jokes are another example of stupidity... we are so wise and so clever and we do stupid stuff, how wise is that?Jokes on stage of being serious... when you aren't serious what you get is more likely somebody being in state of seriousness.

More people would be depressed, if parents tried to please their children as frequently and as badly as children try to please their parents.

We love being mentally strong, but we hate situations that allow us to put our mental strength to good use.

I wrote. I wrote all the things I couldn’t say to him. I wrote about how much I believed in us. I wrote about how much I trusted God. I wrote that I was praying for him. I wrote down all the jokes I could remember, which weren’t many.

Some people wouldn’t still be sane, if they were not religious or superstitious; some wouldn’t be disabled or dead.

I have been so very, very fortunate in my life. I've met or been in contact with several of my childhood heroes. I've interacted with people all over this planet, and even though I couldn't possibly hope to remember all their names, I remember a photograph, a poem, a sound, a joke, kind words of encouragement. All is not lost.

To all you sensitive sallys out there who spend your time scribing angry letters, I have great news: Scientific models show that in the not-too-distant future, all the races will become so completely interbred that humanity will have a monolithic caramelish color and common facial features. There won't be blonds or hairy Jews anymore.Words like "Chink" will cease to have meaning. They will be relics, along with those who use them for comedy. Which is exactly why I am past that meta-racist shit and onto poop and pee. Onward and downward!

We have glorified wealth and freedom so much that it is impossible for most of us to truly believe that a man can truly be happy in a shack or within the confines of a prison cell.

Marketing is so powerful that it can make even an extremely untalented musician a one-hundred-hits wonder.

Where do you come up with these zingers, Clint? Do you own some kind of joke factory in Indonesia where you've got eight-year-olds working ninety hours a week to deliver you that kind of top-quality witticism? There are boy bands with more original material.

I remember watching an old Dracula movie once with Alphonse and having him laugh himself sick at the sight of a vamp only a few days out of the grave supposedly raising another one.He'd been impossible for weeks afterwards,mercilessly teasing all the weaker vamps in court about the three-day-old baby that was more powerful than them.

...Andrew Feldman put £2,000 behind the bar, and [David] Cameron told a joke about a farmer inviting a new neighbour to come to his house for a party where there might be dancing, drinking and ‘rough sex’. When the neighbour asks what to wear, the farmer says, ‘It doesn’t matter, it’s only going to be you and me.

Belief is a wonderful way to pass the time until the facts come in.

There would be fewer absent fathers, if straight men were turned on only by women with whom they would not mind having children.

...the primary paradox that man is superior to all the things around him and yet is at their mercy.

Not every single way of saying the right thing is right.