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Humour Quotes - Page 44

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Humility is the best dress you can wear
Treasure Stitches
There was a deep silence, only scraped on its surfaces by the faint quiver of empty seed-plumes, and broken grass-blades trembling in small air-movements they could not feel.'Not a bird!' said Sam mournfully.'No, no birds,' said Gollum. 'Nice birds!' He licked his teeth. 'No birds here. There are snakeses, wormses, things in the pools. Lots of things, lots of nasty things. No birds,' he ended sadly. Sam looked at him with distaste.
J.R.R. Tolkien
There is nothing good in the devil and there is nothing bad in God and with God all things are possible . And all things are possible to those that believe.
Patience Johnson
Of all the things I expected to find in my lunch, a live snake wasn't one of them.
Peter James West
On a Tuesday they were we, and by Friday they were dead and they buried them in the courtyard side by side, oh, my love, and they buried them dies by side" breaking away from Gideon with some reluctance, Sophie, rose to her feet and dusted off her dress. "Please forgive me, my dear Mr. Lightwood-I mean Gideon- but I must go murder the cook. I shall be directly back.
Cassandra Clare
Telescopes and bathyscapes and sonar probes of Scottish lakes, Tacoma Narrows bridge collapse explained with abstract phase-space maps, some x-ray slides, a music score, Minard's Napoleonic war: the most exciting new frontier is charting what's already here.
Randall Munroe
No one needs Independence. We all just need tea and air conditioners.
Michelle Franklin
I want the evening upon which we lose our collective virginities to be special. I'm no parthenologist but I suspect that Jordana's virginity is still intact. Her biological knowledge is minimal. She thinks that a perineum is to do with glacial moraine.
Joe Dunthorne
Memang sulit menulis puisi. Dan untuk apa mempersulit diri sendiri.
Danarto
What's it like to be a living legend? A lot fucking better than being a dead one..." Geordie Selwyn, Appetite for Corruption
Hilary Mortz
I fought the mighty urge to watch her put it on. My libido had just burst out of the closet and was tripping over furniture yelling, "Who? What? Where?" (Please excuse him. He doesn't get out much)
B. Justin Shier
Now-what’s our game plan?”tCoach Hedge belched. He’d already had three espressos and a plate of doughnuts, along with two napkins and another flower from the vase on the table. He would’ve eaten the silverware, except Piper had slapped his hand.t“Climb the mountain,” Hedge said. “Kill everything except Piper’s dad. Leave.”t“Thank you General Eisenhower,” Jason grumbles.
Rick Riordan
Anyone who says "Trust me" is the last motherfucker you should ever trust.
R.D. Ronald
There's one thing you don't put in a trap, if you're smart, if you value your continued existance, if you have any plans about seeing tomorrow, there is one thing you never ever put in a trap.And what would that be sir?Me
Russell T. Davies
If I had free will, I would choose to be funnier.
Stephen Cave
How?' Irene enquired. She'd decided a while back that Socratic reasoning was a good idea, because (a) it got students thinking for them selves, (b) sometimes they came up with ideas she hadn't thought of, and (c) it gave her more time to think while they were trying to find answers.
Genevieve Cogman
Corvid looked up at her. "Oh, hello Doris.""Gertie, dear," she said. "They call me Gertie.""You used to be Doris," Corvid said as a matter of fact."Who?" She seemed unsure of what she was being told."Doris, daughter of Oceanus and Tethys?" Corvid carried on when he saw her blank expression. "You must remember Nereus? Your husband?"Nothing."You gave birth to fifty sea nymphs. I guess sea nymphs come out slippy and hydrodynamic, but even so, fifty of them? That must stick in the memory as the day before you felt really sore for a month or so?"Doris thought about it for a moment. "It does ring a bell. Sorry, who are you?
Dylan Perry
I'm a whore!"Miki hit the brakes...her hands.. gripping the steering wheel, glanced at Sara. "You're not wearing any underwear, are you?"Sara let out a strangled squeal...
Shelly Laurenston
I don't just have only the peace of God, I do also have a God who gives peace, not just resources but the revelation of His presence.
Patience Johnson
A credit card allows you transcend time. For it allows you to put off until tomorrow what you bought today, while you are still paying what you bought yesterday.
Robert Morrissette
When a person pauses in mid-sentence to choose a word, that's the best time to jump in and change the subject! It's like an interception in football! You grab the others guy's idea and run the opposite way with it! The more sentences you complete, the higher your score! The idea is to block the other guy's thoughts and express your own! That's how you win!Conversations aren't contests!Ok, a point for you, but I'm still ahead.
Bill Watterson
People run around looking for millions of likes in their life and on the social media but do you know what? If you get just one true like from just one who loves you the most, it surpasses all other millions. God loves you the most even without make over.
Patience Johnson
What are we going to do when we get into the temple, anyway? Are we going to fight our way through the Necromancers on our
Derek Landy
Your mother was a hero. She developed a spell for gnomeatic fever. And she was the youngest headmaster in Watford history.”Baz is looking at Penny like they’ve never met.“And,” Penny goes on, “she defended your father in three duels before he accepted her proposal.”“That sounds barbaric,” I say.“It was traditional,” Baz says.“It was brilliant,” Penny says. “I’ve read the minutes.”“Where?” Baz asks her.“We have them in our library at home,” she says “My dad loves marriage rites. Any sort of family magic, actually. He and my mother are bound together in five dimensions.
Rainbow Rowell
Pretend to be mad and talk a lot. Then — and this is the important bit — do nothing at all until you absolutely have to and then make sure everyone dies.
Jasper Fforde
I am a writer, I'm supposed to be intense and emotional,
Natasha Duncan-Drake
It was during Latin that the Austro-Hungarians arrived with their dogs and zombies to kill everyone at the Eden College for Young Ladies.
David Wake
The only good thing about that decision, Gatt, is that I'll get tea before you.
Graham Gooch
I think choosing between men and women is like choosing between cake and ice cream. You'd be daft not to try both when there are so many different flavors.
Björk
And finally, I get to meet the Breakup Coach" Ryan says before we can be introduced. "I'm a big fan of your work" he says with mock admiration as I turn around. I decide I like his voice. It's not a deep Charlton Heston-like voice, but it has just the right amount of husky in it.
Judy Balan
Susan hardly had begun to slow down when Tera appeared from between a couple of buildings and loped over to the car. I leaned forward, opened the door, and she got into the backseat. I threw her the extra clothes I had picked up, and she began to dress without comment.It worked," I said. "We did it."Of course it worked," Tera said. "Men are foolish. They will stare at anything female and naked.
Jim Butcher
There's a time and place for everything, and I believe it’s called 'fan fiction'.
Joss Whedon
Mary, you know I hate parties. My idea of hell is a very large party in a cold room where everybody has to play hockey properly.
Stella Gibbons
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!" It was...........Dumbledore!
Tara Gilesbie
Furious and wild with fear, the potatoes flailed the air with their leaves and stamped their roots, but obviously this got them nowhere.
Stanisław Lem
He had also spent a day and a half without sleep trying to start an online petition to bring back the advert for Nationwide Building Society which said Dunroamin, twice, but half the through the second day of the campaign he had realised that it was an anachronism and the internet was about fourteen years away from mass consumption, so he stopped and went to sleep.
St. John Morris
Next door but one is Quinlan Broddle, a Viceroy with a fear of gardens. So much so that he sold his garden to Virgin Atlantic and his erstwhile front lawn is now a runway where miniature helicopters and packets of crisps undertake sorties to 1940’s Dresden where they have made several dozen unsuccessful attempts to rescue the Quaker Oats man, who is being held captive by the SS on the basis that his hair looks like ice cream.
St. John Morris
If you find yourself cutting corners, go in a circle instead
Benny Bellamacina
While an author is yet living we estimate his powers by his worst performance, and when he is dead we rate them by his best.
Samuel Johnson
I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.
Woody Allen
Now Leroux, what think youOf this twist to the story?
E.A. Bucchianeri
Right now I've got just two rules to live by.Rule one: don't taunt elephants.Rule two: don't stand next to anybody who taunts elephants.-Sergeant Schlock
Howard Tayler
The supreme irony of life is that hardly anyone gets out of it alive.
Robert A. Heinlein
I guess what I'm trying to say is, there are a lot of self righteous people out there. And if you try to adjust your life to please them - by the way you dress, your sexuality, or the ass faces you like to make - you are just going to go crazy and risk being as unhappy as these self righteous kooks are. So enjoy your life. God gave us our bodies as a gift.(Granted, to some of us it's kind of a gag gift, but that's okay too.) Wear what you want, love who you want, and have fun.
Ellen DeGeneres
…you either do or do not have a comedy mind, whatever that is, maybe a heightened sense of the ridiculous and the absurdity of life…We are all crazy and crazed.
Joan Rivers
So off had gone John to the wars again. But he had not remained for long in the position of a humble volunteer. Colonel Clifton, commanding the 1st Regiment of Dragoons, no sooner heard that Crazy Jack was back then he enrolled him as an extra aide-de-camp.
Georgette Heyer
Mary was bigger than Laura, and she had a rag doll named Nettie. Laura had only a corncob wrapped in a handkerchief, but it was a good doll. It was named Susan. It wasn't Susan's fault that she was only a corncob.Sometimes Mary let Laura hold Nettie, but she only did it when Susan couldn't see.
Laura Ingalls Wilder
Merin smiled. "I fought in battle and your mother bore two children. Of the two of us, I think she was the courageous one.
Catherine M. Wilson
Before I was ordained, when I was working for the council, I thought of the first three months of the year as January, February, March. Now I think of them as Epiphany, Candlemas and Ash Wednesday.
Adam Smallbone
You're Missing a hand." And you're missing a brain!
Nadine Brandes
I have my priorities and I know my purpose. I do not Praise God because of my pain but I praise Him because of what the pain is producing.
Patience Johnson
When majority is insane, sane must go to asylum.
Mark Twain
There are various methods by which you may achieve ignominy and shame. By murdering a large and respected family in cold blood and afterward depositing their bodies in the water companies' reservoir, you will gain much unpopularity in the neighborhood of your crime, and even robbing a church will get you cordially disliked, especially by the vicar. But if you desire to drain to the dregs the fullest cup of scorn and hatred that a fellow human creature can pour out for you, let a young mother hear you call dear baby "it.
Jerome K. Jerome
Be careful,' I hissed, then released him. 'Keep one eye on your back, and two on your best friend.''That's three eyes.''You'll need four to survive what's coming,' I said.
Daniel Polansky
We watch television and we play music, but mostly we've found ways to amuse ourselves." "Really?" Valkyrie asked. "Like what?"Plight's smile faded. "Like human sacrifice."He grabbed one arm and Lenka grabbed the other and Valkyrie cried out.They both let go, laughing."Naw," Plight said," we just play board games.
Derek Landy
My guest Newt Gingrich shut down the government during the Clinton administration. I'll ask him when it's gonna start working again.
Stephen Colbert
During the Bosnian war in the late 1990s, I spent several days traveling around the country with Susan Sontag and her son, my dear friend David Rieff. On one occasion, we made a special detour to the town of Zenica, where there was reported to be a serious infiltration of outside Muslim extremists: a charge that was often used to slander the Bosnian government of the time. We found very little evidence of that, but the community itself was much riven as between Muslim, Croat, and Serb. No faction was strong enough to predominate, each was strong enough to veto the other's candidate for the chairmanship of the city council. Eventually, and in a way that was characteristically Bosnian, all three parties called on one of the town's few Jews and asked him to assume the job. We called on him, and found that he was also the resident intellectual, with a natural gift for synthesizing matters. After we left him, Susan began to chortle in the car. 'What do you think?' she asked. 'Do you think that the only dentist and the only shrink in Zenica are Jewish also?' It would be dense to have pretended not to see her joke.
Christopher Hitchens
I've never seen anyone get so excited by breakfast before.""Are you serious? It's the most important meal of the day. Sometimes, at bedtime, I plan what I'm going to make for breakfast and then get so excited I can't sleep.
Holly Bourne
I don't want to be a genius-I have enough problems just trying to be a man.
Albert Camus
Always blow your own trumpet, blowing someone else’s is unhygienic
Benny Bellamacina
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