Humorous Quotes - Page 4

I'm a special kind of crazy, boy it must suck to be you

Looking but not seeing is the hearing but not understanding of the eye.

Life is nether food nor drink. But the faith of a dance dream.

Is that how you get propositioned at the court? 'Mylady, would you be so kind as to allow me to put my manhood in your vagina'?

To God I speak Spanish, to women Italian, to men French, and to my horse - German.

Finding out that you are not your lover’s only lover hurts, but not as much as discovering that you are the side chick … or the side dick.

Mister if you want more to join,’ She said half-choked ‘you’ll have to put in the coin.

A wise man is someone who knows how to convert obstacles into resources.

A tie is what you get after ice cubes have wrestled with hot water.

If history repeats itself, I am so getting a dinosaur!

This country would get along much better if people learned how to suffer in silence.

The greatest trick you can teach an old dog is how to learn new tricks.

Flying from the U.S. to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.

Thanks to bad graphic design, some readers love only the electronic version of some books.

Never call anyone a baboon unless you are sure of your facts.

The next day was wonderful...and terrible. So, overall, I guess it was okay.

If the bonus army conquered Washington the lawyer had a boat hidden in the Sacramento River, and he was going to row upstream for a few months and then come back “because they always needed lawyers after a revolution to straighten out all the legal side.

Just because someone’s a pain in the ass in life, doesn’t mean when they’re dead, we shouldn’t be respectful.

Water is the most essential element in life, because without it you can't make coffee.

He will work off his crudities in time. I rather mistrust young men who slip into life gracefully.

It’s impossible to park on Tremont or even idle there for more than thirty seconds. A platoon of meter maids, imported from the female Hitler Youth shortly after the fall of Berlin, roam the street, at least two to a block, pit bull faces on top of fire hydrant bodies, just waiting for someone stupid enough to stall traffic on their street.

Isolde took a swig. "It doesn't matter if you believe it or not. Your government just gave you two months to get knocked up." She held up the bottle, her face dull and red. "Cheers." "You better get your fill of the booze now, then," said Xochi. "You'll be drinking for two pretty soon.

Charity turned over and hugged the pillow, a quote from Newton making her smile. Sleeping late was really more scientific than working out. After all, a body at rest tends to remain at rest.

You didn’t just accidentally win my favor,” I dispute, slowly shaking myforehead against his. “You earned it. Now, if I can just save your life twenty or thirty more times…We might actually be able to call it even.

Just because I have shoes on is no sign that I am walking.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Wildlife Education" When I was a kid, the only woodland creature I knew of was the squirrel. I guess that's why no one believed me when I told them a squirrel just ate two of my friends.

Bigheadedness is usually a symptom of small-mindedness.

Holidays were invented so single women could overeat without feeling guilty.

She shook her head as she confessed, "I want it so much, I'm afraid to hope." "Never be afraid to hope," Rohan said gently. "It's the only way to begin." -Rohan to Win

I believe you to be strictly honorable.'He thoughtfully emptied his cup. 'I wish I could add you were intelligent,' he went on, knocking on his head with his knuckles.

Pretty?' I said, swivelling in the driver's seat to face him, 'you want to ask me out because I'm pretty?' 'Is there a problem with asking you out because you're pretty?' 'I think you blew it,' said Tiger with a grin. 'You should be asking her out because she's smart, witty, mature beyond her years and every moment in her company makes you want to be a better person - pretty of face should be at the bottom of the list.' 'Oh, blast,' said Perkins despondently. 'It should, shouldn't it?

I am never one to judge others; I am so eccentric myself that I have no right to cast aspersions. A person may or may not like a thing, and I have little to say other than I love it too or how could you dare not like it please die promptly, but I leave everyone to find their own niches in time. We are all avid about certain things; I happen to rave over many subjects, all of which have a place in the Kingdom of Nerdonia, and whenever I hear someone unjustly disparage a thing I consider sacred, I lay it down that the person is either mistaken or a dunderwhelp, the latter being the likeliest of the two. There is a great difference between knowledge accompanied by bias and ignorance accompanied by gallantry, and while all tastes may be what they are, there are bare necessities that will immediately define a character and relationship, these things usually being how many Monty Python lines one knows and whether or not they know what Iocaine is.The strength of lasting friendships rests on whether one can sing the theme to Neverending Story.

You are more likely to find three TVs inside a randomly selected house than you are to find a single book that is or was not read to pass an exam, to please God, or to be a better cook.

If Shane had learned one thing, it was to never tamper with a firecracker during an explosion. That stood double when applied to women – especially when you were the idiot who’d lit the fuse.

We live in a society where every business has a huge scope. Even if you open a shop selling snakes people will buy it. Thinking they will direct them to their neighbors house.

A right way, a wrong way, and a GREENWAY.

...I think I saw something orange pass beneath a streetlight. That means she turned the corner on Pecan Street. Wait right here, and I’ll get my car.” Stella grabbed Mona’s arm. “There’s no time. Follow me and keep your mouth shut.” Instead of going to the street, Stella crept through a yard. “This is crazy, I can’t see a thing. Stella, we could break a leg.” “I told you to be quiet. I know these yards as well as I know my own. Stay behind me.” She led Mona behind a large azalea bush close to the sidewalk. They hid there as Rusty approached, and she was almost on top of them when Mona sneezed. Rusty stopped, put her hands on her hips, and said, “I know you’re in there.” Neither Stella nor Mona made a peep. “I think I understand why you feel the need to watch me. I’m new around here, so let me introduce myself. My name is Rusty Martinez. I’m a businesswoman, and I have no intention of breaking into anyone’s home. I’m simply out for exercise, so you have nothing to worry about.” “Okay, well, you have a nice night,” Mona said cheerily. Rusty recoiled at the response. “Um…you too,” she said quickly and jogged away. Stella groaned. “Your mother obviously didn’t teach you how to properly conduct a mission, did she?” “If you mean how to hide in a bush, then no.

Percival pinched his lips, sending his laugh to his eyes.

If we all learnt cat-speak, we would often find they are saying, “You stupid human, I am trying to tell you something important right now!

Wisdom of the Ages: "Rainier" A beer and a mountain. You drink enough of one and the next day you feel like you fell off the other.All next week Wisdom of the Ages will be featuring the Seattle Seahawks and Super Bowl Topics. Tomorrow's Topic: "Tom Brady's Balls.

Hey!” Mena exclaimed “Don’t knock Jeopardy. I love that show”“So do I” Max admitted.“I like it when I know the answers.” Logan added.Trent turned to Logan, “Dude, if you hate the show, all you had to do was say so.

Don’t think you’re some kind of snowflake, suit guy. I’m a bitch to everyone.

My wife loves Europe but to me it's a bad day at a theme park.

Life is a do-it-yourself project.

All kidding aside…” I focus back on Pyke, genuine sincerity in my tone.“Thank you…for everything. For dragging my ‘clueless ass’ through the ocean, andover hill and vale, when you knew it was futile and stupid—but that I’d still try to do it, with or without your help. Thanks for tracking me down when I was alone and helpless; and for giving me a voice when I thought all hope was lost—”“Ugh, for crying out loud…Enough already,” Pyke squirms, a nauseatedgrimace twisting his hairy face. “Now you’re going way overboard with thegratitude…That kind of gushy crap is meant to be dished out in small doses,” he gripes. “Please make it stop…before I have to snap my own neck, just to end the suffering.” He backs away into the crowd, giving Tristan’s shoulder one more slap with a sly wink. “Hurry up, Man, and do something. Kiss her, muzzle her…shove a sock in her mouth—

My toes are a total wreck, my fingernails worse, and god knows my hair could use a registered nurse.

If I were to be honest, I'm probably fifty percent bagel. Okay, fine, sixty percent.

I just want you to know,' said the girl, coldly, 'that whoever you are and whatever you intend with me, I shall give you no aid of any kind, nor shall I assist you, and I shall do whatever is in my power to frustrate your plans and devices.' And then she added, with feeling, 'Idiot.

It is a curious fact that small boys are more terrified of their babysitters than small girls are. In part, this is because small girls and babysitters, who are usually slightly larger girls, belong to the same species, and therefore understand each other. Small boys, on the other hand, do not understand girls, and therefore being looked after by one is a little like a hamster being looked after by a shark. If you are a small boy, it may be some consolation to you to know that even large boys do not understand girls, and girls, by and large, do not understand boys. This makes adult life very interesting.

Just tell him to keep his hands to himself and his python in his pants.

Then perhaps you don’t need it. I think the scar gives you character, even if it does mar those pretty tattoos. Would make for great tavern stories if you didn’t cover it.” tNeferre laughed flatly and stuck her hands in her pockets. “There’s nothing great about getting mugged, Ziro.” tZiro laughed, her deep voice jiggling her second chin. “Oh, aye. But no one said you had to tell the truth now, did they?

Theres no competition in DESTINY. Run your own RACE and wish others WELL!!!

If you want to convince a criminal to see things your way, start by seeing things theirs.

It's easy to have high morals when you'd be safe naked in the middle of San Quentin Prison.

You should see the murderous stares I get on the street. Though I think that has less to do with seeing a man carrying a purse and more to do with paisley. Paisley makes everyone cranky.

The hamster-powered hat is the same as any other hat. It keeps your head warm and looks smart,” the inventor said. “The hamster generates heat by running on the wheel. If you get a big enough hamster, it will keep your whole face warm.

Do you recall telling Dr. Phillips during your appointment on February second of last year that you needed to be tested for sexually transmitted diseases because—let me make sure I get this correct here . . .” Taylor read out loud from her file, “Because, quote, ‘your weasel-dick husband slept with a skanky whore stripper and the cheating bastard didn’t use a rubber’?” Ms. Campbell shot up in her chair. “She actually wrote that down?” The jury tittered with amused laughter and sat up interestedly. Finally—things were starting to look a little more like Law & Order around here. “I take it that’s a yes?” Taylor asked.

I would like a cappuccino," says Linus politely. "Thank you.""Your name?""I'll spell it for you," he says. "Z-W-P-A-E-N--""What?" She stares at him, Sharpie in hand."Wait, I haven't finished. Double F-hyphen-T-J-U-S. It's an unusual name, Linus adds gravely. "It's Dutch.

Anyway, it’s unthinkable! Dragons and knights are born enemies. They need to be enemies just like dogs hate cats, cats hate mice and mice hate scientists. Without somebody to hate where would all the hate go? The hate would just boil up inside you, eat away and cause you to have indigestion then a heart attack. We need to release the anger, and we release it on dragons who release it back on us. We slay them and they roast us. It is the natural order of things, Emma.

A great mission by a great woman.