Humor Quotes - Page 97

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

A closed mouth catches no flies.

Get your fang boner under control. Your freaking out my person

Where is Wood?" said Harry, suddenly realizing he wasn't there."Still in the showers," said Fred. "We think he's trying to drown himself.

Humor is hard to catch in a second language. Especially when you're as serious a young man as Giovanni. He said to me the other night, 'When you are ironic, I am always behind you. I am slower. It is like you are the lightning and I am the thunder.

No one can be your sun, moon, or stars until you have your own world.

Lucy woke with the munchies the night the kidnappers came for her.

Lucifer, how, after a dozen millennia in Hell, could you possibly lose your way?" the Devil asked incredulously. "Well," the lesser demon began, "It is a rather large place...

Halfway through the set, the lead singer, who goes by Cloud, knife in hand, begins to stab at the cutout of Copal Brandt with a lion's passion. Out of nowhere blood is produced and Cloud proceeds to rub it all over his own face and body, then on his own bandmates. Afterwards he roars into the microphone, 'Do you know why we're doing this, McAllen? We're doing this FOR NO PARTICULAR REASON!!!!!!!!!

Behold the day-break!I awaken you by sitting on your chest and purring in your face,I stir you with muscular paw-prods, I rouse you with toe-

I snorted "oh, beauty. What's that good for?"Mary stared, her eyes round."It won you the prince, did it not?"I snorted again, I prefer to think that he was captivated by my charming personality." I giggled to let Mary know I was trying to make fun of myself.

We’ve got DNA tests; we can convict someone by his saliva. Hell, if the killer had farted in that house the forensic team would probably have some gadget that could pick it up. How can the crime scenes be so clean?

I want to see the front of you.”“That’s what all the girls say.”“Do you expect me to roll you over? ’Cuz I will.”“Your mate’s not going to like this.”“As if that’s going to bother you?”“True. It actually makes it worth the effort.”With a groan, he shoved his palms into the shimmering silver pool of blood beneath him, and flopped over like the side of beef he was.“Wow,” she breathed.“I know, right? Hung like a horse.”“If you’re really nice—and you live through this—I’ll promise not to tell V.”“About my size.”She laughed a little. “No, that you assumed I’d look at you in any fashion other than professionally.

The nuclear arms race is like two sworn enemies standing waist deep in gasoline, one with three matches, the other with five.

Right," said Fat Charlie conversationally. "You realize, of course, that this means war." It was the traditional war cry of a rabbit when pushed too far.

I had a dream about you last night.. You were playing with chicken livers and told me everyone was in quarantine.

Now hear of the new judgement. You are judged many times more by what you do in groups than for what you do as individuals.

I only read books if Voltaire's cock has been dipped in red ink and rolled over the cover.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Angels are good not simply because they see bad as bad, but also because they see bad as corny.

It only took a corny joke, but the smile I saw shone brighter than a glare, more profound than a star. And the best thing... it was so genuine. It was so her. I never thought I could fall more in love.

I wouldn't yell 'fire' at that slimeball if his ass was in flames.

Here comes a pair of very strange beast, which in all tongues are called "fools".

No matter how dire a situation may be, I can always find the humor in it somewhere. If I was ever in a horror movie I would be the goofy one who doesn't seem to know quite what's going on but survives to the end with witty one-liners.

Although i hate having to admit this, but the one good thing those annoying communists did right was to treat religion like a type of addiction and completely banned all practicies of it-Tanya Degurechaff (Youjo Senki)

You and me-we've whored together. We've fought together.And I still dunna understand how ye always seems to know where the money is hidden and the liquor is stored and the scandals are richest.'It's a gift.

I have detected disturbances in the wash.''The wash?''The space-time wash.''Are we talking about some sort of Vogon laundromat, or what are we talking about?''Eddies in the space-time continuum.''Ah...is he. Is he.''What?''Er, who is Eddy, then, exactly?

Sometimes your own tongue can make you deaf and dumb.

Because he has finally realized that it is it and not him that is loved by the woman he loves, many a man is jealous of his own car, house, wardrobe, or salary.

You’re one tough egg to crack. You know that? You’re like a Kinder egg wrapped inside a mystery wrapped inside an enigma.

Anybody who has survived his childhood has enough information about life to last him the rest of his days.

You're never too old to laugh at stories about love and sex.

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?

[the sheep] sidled up beside him and bumped him lovingly with its head. Val looked at it sadly. "I am sorry, you ugly creature," he said. "I have not used my magic in a long time, and I am very out of practice.

I don't want to dig him or his sexy self. But I keep losing my clothes when I'm with him.

My imagination plus Vibrizzio is not only equal to but also greater than a real man. Why should I settle for second best?

I'm gonna go put my earplugs in and practice piano for hours until my fingers bleed. I practice the piano with the focus of Helen Keller—and nothing can distract me from the scent of the music.-Karen Quan and Jarod Kintz

Don't ever let anyone tell you that fairy tales aren't real. I drink a potion made from magic beans every day, and it brings me back to life.

Love Is Like A Plant.We Give It Attention,It Grows. We Ignore It,It Dies

When you celebrate, there is sure to be cake."Florence Ditlow, in "The Bakery Girls.

I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.

You don’t annoy me.” Carefully he rebuttoned the placket of her shirt. “I thought you did, at first. But now I realize it was more like the feeling you get when your foot’s been asleep. And when you start moving, the blood coming back into it is uncomfortable . . . but also good. Do you understand what I mean?”“Yes. I make your feet tingle.”A smile came to his lips. “Among other things.

There is a difference between being mad and being surrounded by retards.

One might be led to suspect that there were all sorts of things going on in the Universe which he or she did not thoroughly understand.

First Cosmic Seal:(Devic Seal 333) One who has received this Cosmic Seal is empowered to control not less than 40,000 spirits.

She hadn’t seen gold since she’d lastbeen to her father’s home, when she would sneak off to meet him.Smiling at the brief memory of, as her mother called him, “the onewho gave me the seed which allowed for your presence.

Gym should be illegal. It's humiliating.

I don’t even pretend to believe I know everything; I just believe in arguments God told me I had a pretty good chance of winning, while I was traveling through hell.

Dance in the rain, follow the path of lovely lanes, you are what you always wanted to be, so chill out, dear friend!

No matter how much the cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.

Life sucks, and then you die...

It takes more than balls to be a woman. It takes ovaries.

Plus, no matter how many times I'd brushed my teeth in Casey's bathroom (after half an hour she'd knocked on the door to make sure I was okay), the taste of disgusting, womanizing bastard was still in my mouth. Ugh!

Jack sprung to his feet out of reach. "I'd prefer to finish this intact. " "My apologies,” Cabal said, grinning viciously. "l keep forgetting, you're only human." His smile softened to full amusement as Jack raised his sword in challenge."Human or not," Jack said as he slowly approached him. "I carry the advantage of unworldly knowledge. "" Is that what you're doing?" Cabal laughed; "Something unworldly?""I have a vast library of knowledge inside my head from my homeland.""What knowledge could your world offer that would be useful here?""How about a toilet?" Jack winked at Nicole.“Perhaps you should build one and leave us all in awe.” Cabal declared.“People could call them ‘Jacks’ for short.” Nicole added to the conversation.

Your present interests are not a solid basis of a career decisions. So, stop following your passion and Do What Is Valuable.!

While browsing in a second-hand bookshop one day, George Bernard Shaw was amused to find a copy of one of his own works which he himself had inscribed for a friend: "To ----, with esteem, George Bernard Shaw."He immediately purchased the book and returned it to the friend with a second inscription: "With renewed esteem, George Bernard Shaw.

The landscape is best described as 'pedestrian hostile.' It's pointless to try to take a walk, so I generally just stay in the room and think about shooting myself in the head.

O woman, father says natural is beautifulso why do you redden your cheeks and blacken your eyes?Why do you remove the hair on your legsand draw them into your brows?Why do you hold your breathlest your stomach showand hold your fartlest they knowthat you’re a human? O woman, father says natural is beautifulso why do you straighten your hairto curl it nextand pretend to orgasm so they think you enjoyed the sex?Why do you dumb yourself downand push your breasts up?Why do you smile when you’re told toand love when you don’t want to?When? When will you stop, woman? Father says natural is beautifulbut that is doubtfulfor what does father knowhe’s only a fellow.

I like to write when I feel spiteful. It is like having a good sneeze.", November 1913)

I shed a tear when I meet somebody who always quits. Reliable people are so rare in this world.