Humor Quotes - Page 82

The agenda of the Media is not to inform you, they don't care about you, they are trying to show you the truth. There are some intelligent Christians but they can't find them and put on the air ...for instance me

I had a dream about you last week. It was October 31, 2002 and we met at a Halloween party. You came dressed as yourself; I knew you’ve been hiding your true self all this time.

Tim Minchin's musings on Tony, the first 'fish' ever to have feet:Imagine what Tony would think, standing there on his brand new feet on the brink of the beginnings of mankind as we know it... if he could look forward just a few short... hundreds of millions of years... to see one of his descendants... an Israeli Jew by the name of Jesus, having a nail hammered through his feet... the very feet that Tony provided him with, as a punishment for having a, sort of, schizophrenic discourse with a God who was created by Mankind to explain the existence of feet in the absence of the knowledge of the existence of Tony.

That’s what being alive is, Thing! It’s being badly prepared for everything! Because you only get one chance, Thing!

Writing a book with completely fictitious characters is like running a democracy, centered around a capital state. You constantly live with the fear & suspicion that one of the characters will start an uncontrollable rebellion.

When did swearing become so easy? You still would never swear in front of your parents or most adults, but when you're with your friends it's like every fifth word. Why couldn't learning Spanish be that easy?

The truth is, I feel myself being fascinated and repelled by her: She's both a mirror of myself and a door to part of this island that I'm not.

Leave Dad alone" I told Aislinn. "His Britishness is sort-circuiting.

Why does everything want to eat children?!”Neferre smiled. “Because you taste like candy. Stinky socks would mask your delicious scent from the aziza. We must get you stinky socks. So they do not eat you.”“That’s not much of a bedtime story! You really haven’t done this before!

The remnants of my dress hung like tentacles and from my back arched a pari of towering wings, feather-light but suggesting enourmous power. My hair streamed behind me, and I knew that the ring of light around my head would be brighter than ever.“Holy crap!” Xavier blurted

In seeking to severely penalize criminals society by putting the criminals away behind safe walls actually provide them with the means of greater strength for future atrocities glorious and otherwise.

I know what ails you.

When it comes to emotions, women know how to paint with the full set of oils, while men are busy doodling with crayons.

The easiest way to be the prettiest girl at a party is to rig the guest list.

History is gossip that's been legitimized, and that's really the case when you get into some of the Roman historians. Wow! They'd be right at home on reality tv.

Do not pollute my perfectly acceptable figurative speech with irrelevant facts!

An expensive coffin does not decrease the deceased’s chances of going to hell.

There were many, many debts to be paid before she left Rifthold and took back her throne. Starting now. Fortunate that she was in a killing sort of mood.

Just married! A bright past is ahead of them!

Free your mind from routine, keep your brain somewhere else

You have strength born of years of grief and anger... The strength of a man denied revenge.

There's no set future, only the one we make.

These places I traveled through, they were a lot like the people I knew. Some abodes I muddled about for a day or two, others entertained my thoughts for a year or a few. Each place and person gave me wisdom or growth, and, if I was lucky, sometimes I'd get both.

It was beautiful in a harsh I'm-going-to-gut-you-like-a-fish kind of way.

If the food that one ate the night before were somehow able to be seen and identified through one’s clothes throughout the day, millions of employees would each fast ten or so days before their payday.

I’m gonna take a nap, Heaven,” he said, wanting away from her to clear his head. He didn’t like feeling uncomfortable in his house.“Haven,” she corrected him as he started to walk away.“I know,” he said. “I kinda like Heaven though.”She turned to him, and their eyes met for the first time since he’d walked into the room. “Me, too.

When I’d RSVPed for tonight, I hadn’t expected to be the youngest by three-plus decades. To be honest, I hadn’t expected anything. I didn’t have the mental capacity. The excitement over my first house party overwhelmed me and kept my thoughts abuzz for threeweeks.Jim and Valerie suggested Harry and Jackie invite me. Understandably, Harry and Jackie were skeptical about bringing a single male into their close-knit group, but Valerie vouched for me, which persuaded Jackie. I leapt at the invitation—any single male would have—but now, learning about the most recent medications to assist smooth menopausal transition, I was seriously rethinking my decision.

Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after "I love you"... or "You're going to live"... or "It's a boy!

Is there a reason why you’re standing there, staring out the window and watching the neighbors? Are we preparing to kill them and drag them down to the basement and bury them alive?

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

Never underestimate yourself

It’s true that journalism in reality is not the journalism that we learnt in the university. It is far from it.

The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity.

Who are you and how did you get in here?" "I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith.

Day dreaming is actually research for the next book.

Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one.

The expected battle hadn’t taken place, yet something else had. Images of the entertainment which had just gone down were already coming back into Rat’s head. It had been wonderful to watch, unbelievably wonderful, the enactment of several plays at once on a single stage, and Rat was sorry it was over, but in a way it was even better to relive it now in the privacy of his mind. He hadn’t believed the boy-doctor and that stuff about the condom being used or warm, but he had gone along with it and the emotion which it powered. Everybody had. The emotion was the most important thing. He wondered how he could ever put such a chaotic, hilarious, sad thing down on paper, organise it into scenes or verses and fix his own pewiod at the end. He could never do it justice. He would never get that emotion back.

Put some clothes on, you weird, yellow-eyed, table-dancing, werewolf-training, cryptic, stare-me-right-in-the-eyes-and-don't-even-blink wench.

M.T. Stone was the poster boy for what an assassin should look like.

Years from now, when I'm successful and happy, ...and he's in prison... I hope I'm not too mature to gloat.

A successful book is not made of what is in it, but what is left out of it.

I don’t read biographies for moral instruction, or for a history lesson. I want to know what people are saying about me.

TANDAAN: mahirap mafriendzone, pero madali lang gumanti!

Everyone thinks to the extent of their own depravity.

Pardon me for not being willing to commit my entire future to you based on two kisses and a blueberry muffin.

Until work has reached its previous stage nympharium privileges are denied to all.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

Alpha bitches are all the same underneath. Don't know how to give an inch even if their damn fool lives depend on it.

I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells.

We sometimes try to impress people we just met by not trying to impress them.

Language is a city to the building of which every human being brought a stone.

Appreciation, affection, focus and intention fill up the space of self-reflection, and one loses oneself in the engagement. And what a relief it is when you get there.

When I was young I found out that the big toe always ends up making a hole in a sock.So I stopped wearing socks.

Whether it is big or small, the size of a poor man’s yard incessantly reminds him that he is poor.

There shall be confusion also in many places, and the fire shall be oft sent out again, and the wild beasts shall change their places, and menstruate women shall bring forth monsters:

I finally find a girl I could really be with, maybe the only girl in the world, and I had what? Two months with her? It's not enough. After everything she went through - everything I went through - we deserve more than that. Or maybe we don't. Anyway, life doesn't work like that. It doesn't care about fair and unfair.

He joined Jude in the kitchen and began making a salad, and JB slumped to the dining-room table and started flipping through a novel Jude had left there. "I read this," he called over to him. "Do you want to know what happens in the end?" "No, JB," said Jude. "I'm only halfway through.""The minister character dies after all.""JB!"After that, JB's mood seemed to improve.

You can't believe everything people tell you - not even if those people are your own brain.

She got up , walked around the table, and gave him a lingering hug, running her fingers through the back of his hair. She'd been finding more excuses to hug him lately."What was that for?" Dill asked."Because you looked like your heart stepped on a Lego.

The legal profession is notorious for complicating the simples of things.