Humor Quotes - Page 72

Some men are so indoctrinated that they sincerely believe that other than cooking and cleaning the only thing that a woman can do better than them is being a woman.

I hope you grow up to be as good a mother as your father

The best conversation I had was over forty million years ago,' continued Marvin.Again the pause. 'Oh d—''And that was with a coffee machine.' He waited.

I don't respect thinking that is dangerous, prejudicial, childish, and could get me killed.

From the corners of her mouth, thick yellow goo bubbles. It matches the mess between Vesper's fingers, the slime on her chin, on her legs, the blobs that randomly pepper things, the blast radius massive, confounding

I'm a writer. I write stuff.

Someday I must read this scholar Everyone. He seems to have written so much--all of it wrong.

The story so far:In the beginning the Universe was created.This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

Lovely Arra Sails,nectar to all males,how I'd like to spear you like a whaler spears a whale!

They deem him their worst enemy who tells them the truth. -Plato, philosopher (427-347 BCE)

Word of advice, sister mine. If you want to keep your papers private, don't write 'Private' on the cover. It set the mater right off. It was all I could do to stop her sniffing around like some great sniffing thing.

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.

The gods are nothing more than the creations of humans needing something to blame for their problems.

Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.

Hell's bells, irony blows.

Hale." Kat sighed. "The headmaster's car? Really? That's not to cliched for you?"What can I say?" He shrugged. "I'm an old-fashioned guy. Besides, it's a classic for a reason." He leaned against the window. "It's good to see you, Kat."Kat didn't know what to say. It's good to see you, too? Thanks for getting me kicked out? Is it possible you've gotten even hotter? I think I might have missed you?

You off then, Da?” she asked.“Aye. Too old for all this killing.” And to prove that, her father turned and brought his axe down on the head of a traitor that had gotten too close. Spun once more and cut off the legs of another.He faced them again. “Need to get back to my rocking chair and some hot tea.”“Clearly.

You're under arrest for multiple counts of murder. You have the right to not much at all, really. Do you have anything to say in your defense?

We are, or rather our natural desire to evade pain and to attain pleasure is, the primary reason we do or say every single thing we do or say.

Girls like good-looking guys, and I am not very good-looking. In fact, I sort of look like a pudding

If you let something scare you to death, then the worst has happened.

You can't drive them around in the getaway van.' 'How about we don't call it the getaway van? People might get suspicious.' 'So what should we call it?' 'How about the van?' 'It doesn't change what it is and that it's a shitty thing to do. Someone might see them in it.

Before I could lose my courage, I said, "Don't I get a kiss for luck? It's kind of a tradition, right?"I figured she would punch me. Instead, she drew her knife and stared at the army marching toward us. "Come back alive, Seaweed Brain. Then, we'll see.

I used to have a lot of faith in humanity before the advent of the website "comment" section.

What is evil?' you ask. To which I reply, 'Who are you, Friedrich Nietzsche?' To which you respond, 'Duh, wha? Me no understand.'Then I put you back in your cage.

Sweatpants are a sign of defeat. You lost control of your life so you bought some sweatpants.

A few alligators are naturally of the vicious type and inclined to resent it when you prod them with a stick. You can find out which ones these are by prodding them.

When it comes to assassination, execution is everything.

I kept a straight face while my inner Neanderthal spluttered and then went on a mental rampage through a hypothetical produce section, knocking over shelves and spattering fruit everywhere in sheer frustration, screaming, 'JUST TELL ME WHOSE SKULL TO CRACK WITH MY CLUB, DAMMIT!

From behind Lissa, I heard Christian say, "Worst. Timing. Ever." Adrian studied Lissa and then looked at Christain sprawling on the bed on the far side of the suite. "Huh," Adrian said, letting himself in. "So that's how you're going to fix the family problem. Little Dragomirs. Good idea." Christian sat up and strolled toward them. "Yeah, that's exactly it. You're interrupting official Council business.

I'm still trying to decide how I feel about the fact that you knew about this before I did.""Don't be disappointed," Jack said. "The fact that I've been ridiculously proud of you for days doesn't change how excited you should be about this. Besides, I pretty much know everything. You should probably just start getting used to it.""And on that note, I'm hanging up," Cameron said."Rushing me off so you can call Collin next?" Jack teased."No" she said emphatically. Damn, he really did know everything.

He’s so outta my league, we’re not even playing the same sport… He’s professional soccer in Europe and I’m intramural badminton in the States.

This is the best night of my life," Raffy says, crying."Raffy, half our House has burnt down," I say wearily. "We don't have a kitchen.""Why do you always have to be so pessimistic?" she asks. "We can double up in our rooms and have a barbecue every night like the Cadets."Silently I vow to keep Raffy around for the rest of my life.

If you're going to hit a car, try to be sure that it's not a cop car

Just for the record the weather today is slightly sarcastic, with a good chance of A. indifference and B. disinterest in what the critics say.

Lucy: I don't understand men.Nettie: What is there to understand? If you feed 'em regular-like and give 'em a bit of 'sugar' now and then, they're easy enough. And if they don't behave, you just toss 'em out on their arses. That's what I always say.

Into the breach, then. Against mobs of middle-aged moms and frightening harridans we shall prevail.”She nodded sharply, raising an invisible sword. “And damned be he—she—who cries, ‘Hold, enough!’”“Misquote Shakespeare in front of Samuel, I dare you,” I told her, and she laughed.

Maxine,” Grant said, but I barely heard him. I was lost in that vision, in those emotions—the pain, and hunger for pain, forming the root of so muchagonized rage.“ ‘Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate,’” I muttered.“Yoda, from Star Wars?”“ ‘Hate leads to suffering.’” I met his gaze. “Yoda knows his shit, man.”Grant’s mouth crooked in a gentle smile.

This advice from a college freshman carrying a cane?""It's a walking stick, I'll have you know.""Same difference.""Hardly. It's fashion.

I am always a perfect gentleman. If you ever want me to not be a perfect gentlemen, you’ll have to ask and not be crying when you do.

Ever director has at least 10 bad films in them.

What would Golan Do? That way I can ask myself before I do anything. Before I take a dump. How would Dr. Golan want me to take this dump? Should I bank it off the side or go straight down the middle? What would be the most psychologically beneficial dump I could take?

I like to go to Starbucks and watch the intellectuals. I observe them and their intellectualness. They in turn observe me drinking coffee and being a creeper.

Suddenly William loomed over him, scowling, snarling and bloody, his suit dirt-stained and ripped. “Do you know. How many strands. Of hair I lost. On my way down?”Whatever. “Math was never my thing, but I’m gonna say you lost…a lot.”Electric-blues glittered with menace. “You are a cruel, sadistic bastard. My hair needs TLC and you…you… Damn you! I’ve gutted men for less.”“I know. I’ve watched you.” Paris lumbered to his feet and scanned the rocky bank they stood upon, the crimson ocean lapping and bubbling in every direction. The drawbridge was only a fifty-yard dash away. “Don’t kill the messenger, but I’m thinking you should change your dating profile to balding.”Masculine cheeks went scarlet as the big bad warrior struggled for a comeback.… “One of these days you’re going to wake up,” William finally said, “and I will have shaved you. Everywhere.”“Won’t make a difference. Women will still want me. But you know what else? What I did to you wasn’t cruel, Willy.” He offered the warrior a white-flag grin. A trick. A lie. “This, however, is.”He grabbed William by the wrist, swung the man around and around before at last releasing him and hurling his body directly onto the bridge.

I’m forever near a stereo saying, ‘What the fuck is this garbage?’ And the answer is always the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Her smile was like a Samuel Beckett play - easy to read but difficult to interpret.

The train is roaring toward you and the villain is twirling his moustache and you're fussing that he's tied you to the tracks with the wrong kind of rope.

I’m doing boy detox. Like a diet, only for my emotional health.

...Fate forced me to become a two-man woman. But there was no effing way I could be a four-man woman.Even metaphysics couldn't keep that from being whorey.

I love Shark Week, where all kids under 12 swim for free

The cave exploded with the sound of trumpets.A heavenly choir began to sing.A surge of power ran up the sword into Henry's hand.A voice thundered through the cavern. "Whosoever Pulleth The Sword From Out The Stone, Is Rightwise Born King of All England."Henry screamed and threw the sword into the lake.

I Have Fought the Good Fight and Won

A nationalist will blindly follow his country to his death out of love for it. A patriot will stand up for and even against his country to his death out of love for it.

Abby wouldn't want you to suffer because of some jerk that kidnapped her. She would want you to go on your trip so that she would have fun torturing you for not being a puddle on the ground with a box of tissues and an empty gallon of ice cream by your side. Then afterwards to hit you for thinking she was seriously hoping you would be doing that.

It seemed to me,' said Wonko the Sane, 'that any civilization that had so far lost its head as to need to include a set of detailed instructions for use in a package of toothpicks, was no longer a civilization in which I could live and stay sane.

She said my glasses made me look like a butch jock's locker room bitch.

Tomorrow looked a lot better yesterday

And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before--and thus was the Empire forged.

We are all going to die soon. Do you really wish to waste time being angry at me?""Yes. I remain an unrepentant optimist. If i see that I am about to die, or you, I will forgive you. But not until then, you bastard.

Principled hate is a hell of a lot stronger than "Boy, I wish you hadn't mummified me and thrown me into the lake" hate.