Humor Quotes - Page 58

To alcohol! The cause of... and solution to... all of life's problems

Funny is like sexy, and they are kind of related. What turns one person on is hilarious to another person. And vice versa. And you can see all of this at the nexus of clowns. Many people think clowns are hilarious. (Many others think clowns are creepy.) But there is a certain percentage of people who think clowns are sexy. Don't believe me, Google "clown porn" right now. I dare you. And if you don't need to Google that, then it's because it is already saved on your browser. So when these dudes say, "Women aren't funny," they are forgetting a classically important addendum: "to me." They should be saying, "Women aren't funny to me." But they don't say "to me" because if you are a man in America, you are considered the norm. (Remember it's the NBA and the W[omen's]NBA, not the WNBA and the M[en's]NBA.) And if you are a white man in America, then you are also considered the norm.

Who the hell calls at two in the morning?""Maybe it's Matt Wilde, confessing his love," Lindsay says."Very funny,

It costs me never a stab nor squirm / To tread by chance upon a worm. / Aha, my little dear, / I say, Your clan will pay me back one day.

:I am Topaz,: the unicorn on the hill haughtily announced, :and this is my vale.:t:I was not aware unicorns could own vales,: Wareska linked. tThe unicorn stiffened, and even from this distance, Wareska could see her bright, golden eyes narrow dangerously. :Now you know,: she said with quiet menace.

I do not understand what makes mothers think they are walking-talking thermometers.But I think somewhere during the process of giving birth and changing diapers, they actually begin to belive they have this supernatural sense.

Nevertheless now have I asked thee but only of the fire and wind, and of the day where-through thou hast passed, and of things from which thou canst not be separated, and yet canst thou give me no answer of them.

As for you, Private, if you mention a word of this to anyone, I'll feed you to the cat thing here. Understand?""Yum," said Mogget."Yes, sir!" mumbled the telephone operator, his hands shaking as he tried to smother the burning wreckage of his switchboard with a fire blanket.

Not a few millions of parents strongly hope that their own children will step in by instantly becoming their own parents’ foster parents, if and when the parents reach their second childhood.

Our parents would not be ‘The best parents in the world’ (to us) if they were not our parents.

If writers wrote as carelessly as some people talk, then adhasdh asdglaseuyt[bn[ pasdlgkhasdfasdf.

To me you are a work of art, and I would give you my heart - that's if I had one.

I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.

The idealist hopes. The romantic sees doom. The postmodernist sees doom and hopes.

*marissa tries to get her single, working mother's attention by suggesting something outrageous, to which mom replies:*'You're a smart girl. Use your head and avoid any guy who reminds you of your father.

I can say infinite for you to stay, but sadly it only took one from you to break us away and us separate ways

If ruining the only religious icon I have leaves me vulnerable to Martian vampires, I'll have to risk it.

Women and our right to choose were going to be challenged with Ashcroft around. When Bush appointed Ashcroft, I went out and got me four abortions. I stocked up. The doctor was like, 'Listen, you're not pregnant.' I said, 'Hey, just shut up and do your job. I'm exercising my right while I can, dammit.

My head’ll explode if I continue with this escapism.

However, because they have no actual interests of their own (or if they do, they squelch them in order to fit in) and merely pursue those that they think will look best on their college apps, they're zombies.

Don't call a woman a bitch. Call her an ass-hole. It still gets your point across and it's not sexist.

Wizard’s work was a pleasure and a madness. No wonder the university magicians rambled at times like daft bastards.

Oh, look at that, he's heard of me. My fame grows.

What’s that around your neck?” asked Emily. “It’s a golden star.” Said Reed.“What did you get it for?”“Chemistry class.”“What’s the star for?” the shadow asked, Usually stars represent a straight A student. “You get it for having greatness. But Emily doesn’t know what that is.” He said, answering the shadows question and looking at Emily. “Greatness, what’s greatness?” Emily asked, all wide eyed, and clueless looking“It’s when you do really awesome stuff, and people recognize you for it.”“Oh, no” Emily laughed .”No, I don’t know what that is.

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.

... Play the age as comedy if you want to get away with murder.

By the early-afternoon hours, if your brain is normal, it's running strictly on inertia and reflex. All you can do during those hours are the things that are exactly like other things you've done in similar situations. Creativity is out of the question. You might argue that you don't notice any difference in your thinking during the afternoon. That's because you're too dazed to notice anything during those hours. I'm sure it's true for me; I believe you could set my eyebrows on fire during the afternoon and I wouldn't notice until sometime the next morning.

She ran into the bathroom and powdered her face and the front of her dress, drew a surrealistic version of a mouth beneath her nose, and dashed into her bedroom to find a coat.

Kaien Cross: You both entered the room in the same pose! Ooh! If Yuki had seen it, she'd have been so happy! The mystique!Ichiru: Zero, is he always like this?Zero: Yeah...he doesn't act anything like his "former self" now...why're you sticking to me?Ichiru: Because you hate it when I do it (I'm being a pest).Zero(to Cross): Hey. Don't take a photo.Kaien Cross (thinking): The Kiryus really are twins.

Cookbooks, it should be stressed, do not belong in the kitchen at all. We keep them there for the sake of appearances; occasionally, we smear their pages together with vibrant green glazes or crimson compotes, in order to delude ourselves, and any passing browsers, that we are practicing cooks; but in all honesty, a cookbook is something you read in the living room, or in the bathroom, or in bed.

I wish," I said. "I could save orgasms in a jar for when I need them, because I think I have a few extra.

Instead of being regarded as intelligent or knowledgeable, many a woman would rather be regarded as beautiful or good in the kitchen; many a man, as handsome or good in bed.

Females and boys are the only creatures that propose others for friendship. As for the rest of us, friendship sort of just happens.

This is so cool," I said loudly as Dad walked away. "Have you met the tattoo artist? Is he hot?" "He's a she," Mom said. "Is she hot? Cause I'm still young, you know. My sexual identity isnt fully formed." "Your father can't hear you anymore, Maya." Mom sighed.

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

I've been watching you ever since you came into town, and you never gave a single sign that you were interested in her. That's why I made a move. If I couldn't tell, neither can she.""I'm very bad at co

Lowkey punchdrunk off this Sangria-sweet love and all it’s prodigious trappings…

Sports bars are also a great place for guys to meet other guys--either for sex or for wrestling, whichever feels more right.

You are the light of the world. Shine brightly. Smile beautifully! Rejoice daily!

If I hear any more loud voices, you will both be auctioned off on eBay. I could use the extra money.

I'm warning you, that jacket is sexy. The Institute could go up in sexy, sexy flames.

Jill showed friend Kay the cute white mice.They liked to run races for cheese.Mice were lots of fun to play with.Jill said, "Take Poopsie, the male one, please!

I visualized myself pulling on my mental thinking cap, jamming it down around my ears as I had taught myself to do. It was a tall, conical wizard's model, covered with chemical equations and formulae: a cornucopia of ideas.

He who is jealous is better off not dating someone who is bisexual.

I'll never be the size that has single digits and my thighs will always touch when I walk but I'm ok with that.

I love you. I hate you. I like you. I hate you. I love you. I think you’re stupid. I think you’re a loser. I think you’re wonderful. I want to be with you. I don’t want to be with you. I would never date you. I hate you. I love you…..I think the madness started the moment we met and you shook my hand. Did you have a disease or something?

If Fran Lebowitz and Ian Fleming had blessed the world with a love child it would have been author J. Fields Jr.

In order to grow, I promise you'll have to let go of some habits. 10 times out of 10, they'll be the habits you're most in love with.

Wealth seldom fails to breed the fear of poverty.

He smiled. "I suppose I thought we'd have a madly impractical, terrifyingly modern sort of marriage. One based on love. Not to mention dangerous undertakings and hair's-breadth escapes from burning buildings, high ledges and exploding sewers.""And bickering.""Always that, yes.""Assuming I want to marry at all.""True. I know of no good way of forcing you to do anything.""And you're mad enough to think it could work - one day?"He cupped her face in his hands. His smile was so brilliant it seemed to illuminate the room. "I think it would be heaven."She trembled, then. "You have a very strange idea of heaven.""Kiss me and see.

Life seems but a quick succession of busy nothings.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason

I'm thinking there should be a dating site called "Tap That" - Jonathan "Jack" McVoy

I wanted desperately to get all hot and sweaty with this guy, but I knew from experience that hormones affected my sensibilities like alcohol or pot. In the throes of passion I tend to vow my eternal love to a penis I might use and abuse, with little regard for the man connected to it. I'm trying to keep that habit.

You're the one saying how vital offing these kids and grabbing their brat is to the war effort, right? Well, I'm telling you I need way more cash to do it right, so--Lying.How have you not murdered that creature by now?Oh, I've tried.

Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade themselves that they have a better idea.

I think the word ‘pleasure’ is unknown to you. More precisely, its practical meaning.

You stand in front of an electric fence and whip your dick out to take a piss on it, it's pretty clear you're about to make a mistake. Other than that, you pretty much have no way of knowing.

Believe it or not working in libraries is very similar to working on an ambulance or a fire truck. You take care of a lot of homeless people, you sometimes have to clean up things that require latex gloves, you always wear comfortable shoes, and you put out a lot of “fires”!

In a town like London there are always plenty of not quite certifiable lunatics walking the streets, and they tend to gravitate towards bookshops, because a bookshop is one of the few places where you can hang about for a long time without spending any money.