Humor Quotes - Page 33

I had a dream about you last night. In this dream we were walking down the beautiful Japanese streets of Florida. Fukuoka is nice in the summer.

I went to say no, but I winced as I pulled my tooth out of my lip.I was absolutely hopeless. In a two minute period my front curls hadstarted to go straight due to my constant brushing them behind my earsand I was pretty sure my lip was bleeding. Frustrated I pushed myself off ofthe couch with a huff and walked around the glass coffee table to head forthe kitchen.“I've made you angry.”“No.”Darren got up and cut me off in the middle of the room. “Yes, I did.You're angry with me.”“No, not with you.”“Then what's wrong?”“I'm angry with myself.

Why is it, I wonder, that Sigmar felt compelled to burden you with such poor imaginations? Very well. Judicate me, if you can.

I asked "What do you even do with a chimera?""What wouldn't you do with a chimera?" Jeff asked. "They're like the Swiss Army knife of animals.

Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth.

...by the end of my first week as an intern, I am just about ready to throw my pager out the window. A high window. Overlooking a trash compactor. Filled with highly corrosive acid.

Ally turnedher attention back to Brian Byrne. "So what do you do for a living when you're not searching outyour roots?""Have sex with thousands of women." He slanted her a grin that would've knocked her offher feet if she wasn't already laid out flat by his comment. "Professionally, of course.""Well, that makes it okay then." A porn star? Her instinct said no. But her instinct had alsothought Dave was a great guy when she first met him. How wrong was that? Hmm. What elsecould Brian be? How about crazy? Sounded logical to her. She was alone with a crazy man. Asexy crazy man, but crazy was still crazy.

It's all life is. Just going 'round kissing people.

Now then, Mr. Crab," said the zebra, "here are the people I told you about; and they know more than you do, who live in a pool, and more than I do, who live in a forest. For they have been travelers all over the world, and know every part of it.""There's more of the world than Oz," declared the crab, in a stubborn voice."That is true," said Dorothy; "but I used to live in Kansas, in the United States, and I've been to California and to Australia--and so has Uncle Henry.""For my part," added the Shaggy Man, "I've been to Mexico and Boston and many other foreign countries.""And I," said the Wizard, "have been to Europe and Ireland.""So you see," continued the zebra, addressing the crab, "here are people of real consequence, who know what they are talking about.

A crossbow?” Pigeon asked.I left my battle-ax in my other jeans,” the man said.

One of these days, I would doubt the Gardeners a little too much and Zach was going to play handball with my head.

He's a cocky SOB. He knew the Nick Adams Stories. Probably a frustrated English major who graduated from college qualified to drive a cab.

Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal? Now, chocolate is one of the cereals.

I'm the most famous person, problem is people don't know it yet…

It’s easy enough to get along with a loved and loving child—at least till you try to get him to do something.

It was a burden on all her muscles. A hollow deeper than her bones. She braced herself though, she knew why Atlas stood so tall.

I been talkin' with my buddy, and he thinks I'm virgin enough fer the two of us.

From space this Earth is incandescent with abominations - the gods write their signature in our entrails

But nowhere in the file had anyone said, “Oh, and by the way, he runs like a gazelle with an espresso addiction.” At least not in the parts I’d skimmed.

Preceding the birth of every religion, there was someone who was an incarnation of this process: imagination causes inspiration causes intuition causes beauty, which causes imagination…the dynamic that takes place in the dimension of spirit. That is, for whatever reasons that will remain mysterious, although they are suggested in various schools of thought, someone got the cause thing down right, and the rest flowed. After the fact, an effort was made, almost always by others, to control both the impact of this and the possible benefits from it. Ambition and desire took over. Where you had an exact presentation, or manifestation, of beauty and truth, somebody began using it for other purposes.

There is no new thing under the sun. Is there any thing whereof it may be said, 'See, this is new?' it had been already of old time, which was before us.

Mr. Morrow, IOI owns this network..." "Of course they do!" Morrow shouted gleefully. 'The own practically everything! Including you, pretty boy! I mean did they tattoo a UPC code on your ass when they hired you to sit there and spout their corporate propaganda?

Tarzan-like men are my weakness, apparently.

Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry, you can't have a baby brother, because that would mean that Daddy had sex, and that's never going to happen again.

One should always be in love. That's the reason one should never marry.

We went about our usual routines - combat practice, volleyball practice, archery practice, strawberry-picking practice (don't ask), lava-wall-climbing practice ... You'll find we practice a lot here.

It is by the goodness of god that in our country we have those 3 unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.

I had a dream about you. We were married and I walked into the room to see you in my new black dress and high heels and I said "That's not what I meant when I said I bought them for you".

Six months ago when she first came up with the idea to kill Wilson, back when she was living in Memphis, she'd started going to church again. Since she was spending so much time thinking about sinister things, the least she could do, she reasoned, was to think about God and his love twice a week at church so that she wouldn't become a total sociopath. And rather than kill other people who were stand-ins for the person she really wanted to kill, like serial killers did, she'd be kind and generous to others and hone in on the one who deserved to die. And her plan had worked extremely well. Since she'd started planning to kill Wilson, and then decided to destroy his family instead, she felt no animosity toward anyone but him. Almost none at all!

We all make mistakes, but intelligence enables us to do it on purpose.

...it was another year or two before I discovered that drat and draft were different words. During that same period I remember believing that details were dentals and that a bitch was an extremely tall woman. A son of a bitch was apt to be a basketball player. When you're six, most of your Bingo balls are still floating around in the draw-tank" (27-8).

Chances are that there are white people who brag about being the first to move out of a suburb that has been intruded by blacks.

Don't make me come down there. - God

I never want to see umbrellas around me." he [Mussolini] once said. "The umbrella is a bourgeois relic, it is the arm used by the pope's soldiers. A people who carry umbrellas cannot found an empire.

When you are suffering from sexual starvation, a spank or even a hug seems like a porn scene.

If you haven't cried at least once while writing a chapter of your inspirational book, then you have to ask yourself if your're writing fiction.

It's just like in a Brazilian serial! Destiny has brought us together.

Whitney Houston’s cover of “I Will Always Love You” was constantly on my FM Walkman radio around that time. I think that made me cry because I associated it with absolutely no one.

There are always cats around Charlie's, but they are usually refugees seeking asylum from the local rat population, and rather desperately friendly.

He has fought many battles with us" (Jace) By which you mean one battle" muttered Simon. "Two if you count the one I was a rat

...You have any suggestions, make them. I'm in charge but humble. No need to salute when you see me." Fraser said, "Mind if we snicker every once in a while behind your back?" "Hell, no," I said. "Everyone else does.

The notion that inspired play (even when audacious, offensive, or obscene) enhances rather than diminishes intellectual vigor and spiritual fulfillment, the notion that in the eyes of the gods the tight-lipped hero and the wet-cheeked victim are frequently inferior to the red-nosed clown, such notions are destined to be a hard sell to those who have E.M. Forster on their bedside table and a clump of dried narcissus up their ass.Not to worry. As long as words and ideas exist, there will be a few misfits who will cavort with them in a spirit of *approfondement*–if I may borrow that marvelous French word that translates roughly as ‘playing easily in the deep’–and in so doing they will occasionally bring to realization Kafka’s belief that ‘a novel should be an ax for the frozen seas around us’.

Oh, Hazel is awesome," Don Said. "She's so nice! All the other campers are like 'Go away Don.' But she's like 'Please go away, Don.' I love her!

I have to go. I have a finite amount of life left and I don't want to spend it arguing with you.

-I'm stubborn not stupid. There's a fine line between the two. Stupid people think they're right when they're wrong. Stubborn people know they're wrong but won't admit it.

So much good, so much evil. Just add water.

Dr Adams was following my orders if you want to blame someone blame me -casiusoh i do,I'm just so pissed i had extra left over - Jace

Faith is Hope on a treadmill. Love is the reason we stay on.

It was long after midnight and the stars looked damp and chilly; the air was full of the busy silence of the night, which is created by hundreds of small furry things treading very carefully in the hope of finding dinner while avoiding being the main course.

I like pink."Lucius sniffed. "It's just red's sorry, weak cousin.

Help people.Be interested.Make a difference.Live passionately.Go comando.

Speed eliminates all doubt. Am I smart enough? Will people like me? Do I really look all right in this plastic jumpsuit?

Work is the greatest thing in the world. So we should save some of it for tomorrow.

The gods had a habit of going round to atheists' houses and smashing their windows.

And then the other guy will look really sheepish, and mumble that, okay, maybe he tried to make a run for it, and maybe he took a drunken swing at the arresting officer, and maybe he made a couple of off-color remarks about law-enforcement professionals, and maybe he’s been hiding from the cops ever since an incident a few years back involving a bleeding hooker, nine pounds of cocaine, and a soiled image of Tipper Gore.

I suppose that's one of the ironies of life doing the wrong thing at the right moment.

Detective, any warm-blooded male with a pulse would have his hand on your glorious ass. May I?""Knock yourself out."His fingertips sketched over that tight sheen of Lycra before cupping a taut globe for a squeeze. "What kind of workout do you do to get that kind of muscle tone?"She put her face up close to his. "I beat the shit outta guys who grab my ass.

Jamal stared at the dog in his arms. "Why I am I holding a dog full of angels?

All I really, really want to do is find a very, very fine chocolate store that I can walk into and then figure out how in the world one manages to pick out just a few chocolates out of all those very many chocolates! If I am one day able to walk into a fine chocolate store and know for certain which chocolates I want, when that happens, I will believe myself to be accomplished!

Watch out for a man whose enemies keep disappearing.