Humor Quotes - Page 28

Life sure is easier when you're rich.""And a natural born charmer. Don't forget that part.""How could I?" she retorted. "It's the only thing we have in common.

They said her duck recipe and the Chinese music were so dramatic everything else sounded anemic.

You should be home sleeping. What is the use of having a man in the house, if he cannot take care of you for a while?” “Mmm,” I said. “I give up. What's the use of having a man in the house?

Emma: You can demand that Pettibone retain my services, but you cannot make similar demands of the parents of the students. They will not entrust the education of their daughters to a woman who has removed her clothing for an artist, no matter how exalted that artist may be. Pettibone would become a school without students. No that avenue is closed to me now.Nicholas: Women disrobe for men other than their husbands every day.Emma: But they are not on exhibition in the Royal Academy.Nicholas: what of extenuating circumstances?Emma: You make no sense

Rachel: You're a half-blood, too?Annabeth: Shhh! Just announce it to the world, how about?Rachel: Okay. Hey, everybody! These two aren't human! They're half Greek god!...They don't seem to care.

We're not retreating, we're advancing in reverse.' --Skulduggery Pleasant

That night was a dark day. Of course, all nights are dark days, because night is simply a badly lit version of day, ...

Sex without smiling is as sickly and as base as vodka and tonic without ice.

For some stories, it's easy. The moral of 'The Three Bears,' for instance, is "Never break into someone else's house.' The moral of 'Snow White' is 'Never eat apples.' The moral of World War I is 'Never assassinate Archduke Ferdinand.

On a wing and a prayer." (After being asked how the angels make love in Milton's Paradise Lost).

Charlene's thoughts:I'm next in the green jumper's Class. I thought I'd be in the red jumpers' class because of my red hair.

This is agony cried Mr Salteena clutching hold of a table my life will be sour grapes and ashes without you.

Lhyn watched her with a smile. “You do realize that’s your fourth cup and it’s not even midmeal. Shouldn’t you be starting a bit lower than full addict level?” “I am a full addict; what’s the use in pretending? Besides, it’s only three and a half cups.

I need to stop saying LMAO because that is precisely what's happening; I wish I could rewind time by two decades, immortalize my derriere in wax, and then kiss it goodbye.

Justice will prevail!

Every author, however modest, keeps a most outrageous vanity chained like a madman in the padded cell of his breast.

By all accounts Rafe's life had been shattered by the loss of his brother Peter. But whereas she turned away from drink when Draven died, Rafe had simply upended a barrel of brandy on his head and hadn't taken that hat off since.

Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable.

I love her, but every hug leaves bullet holes in my chest. Every kiss is another scar upon my flesh. Every thrust, every touch, every moan that escapes her lips...they are famine to my soul, and I still can't let her go.

Some people wish they were as happy as or happy like some people think they are.

Daddy,” said the toddler, now seething with righteous indignation, “you are a poo-poo head!”Feigning outrage, JFK lowered his voice. “John,” he said, “no one calls the President of the United States a poo-poo head.

If life is a game... I need new dice!

He moved to sniff some white-and-yellow flowers.A nightmare. This was a nightmare. “You can’t really like flowers.”Again those dark eyes shifted to her. Blinked once. I most certainly do, he seemed to say.

The words, I love you, are empty without clarification. Women prefer to be told what they can expect. It is measurable like a Weight Watcher’s diet, with extra points at the end of the week if you don’t cheat.

If he sees you in this apartment he will seriously murder you and then break up with me.  And I really, really don’t want him to break up with me, Linc.”“But murdering me, that’s all good?

I looked at the stained-glass image of the lamb in the window above me, but that only reminded me that lambs are famous for being led to slaughter, or sometimes hanging out with lions in ill-advised relationships.

I swallowed hard, a hot flush blazing a trail across my skin. Reminded me of that old television show, Bonanza. You know, the one with the burning map and the lively western tune? Yeah, my skin was that map, but the song blaring in my head leaned more toward a “bow-chick-a-wow-wow” sound than anything else. Hormone overload!

Everything in this room is edible. Even I'm edible. But, that would be called canibalism. It is looked down upon in most societies.

He stripped to his trunks, then dove into the pool. We all watched as he broke the surface and climbed from the water, his muscles slick and wet, his green eyes glowing in the half light of the glass ceiling. I heard Natalie and Sara both sigh, and Harry murmur that it almost made him want to go gay. Coby stretched out on a chaise beside me and asked, “So you still sorry you moved here?

You need to be greedy or ignorant to truly want to live forever.

Five exclamation marks, the sure sign of an insane mind.

Then all was quiet save only for the low voices of those that talked together, ... , and saving, also, for the mellow snoring of Friar Tuck, who enjoyed his sleep with a noise as of one sawing soft wood very slowly.

And if Germans do have systematic minds, this is just as likely to be because their exceedingly erratic mother tongue has exhausted their brains' capacity to cope with any further irregularity

Dill was in hearty agreement with this plan of action. Dill was becoming something of a trail anyways, following Jem about... He only grew closer to Jem. (Lee 55)

Our societies probably work best if they mimic as closely as possible the small-scale communities of our ancestors. We certainly did not evolve to live in cities with millions of people where we bump into strangers everyone we go, are threatened by them in dark streets, sit next to them in the bus, and give them the finger in traffic jams.

When you have been just told that the girl you love is definitely betrothed to another, you begin to understand how Anarchists must feel when the bomb goes off too soon.

If God gives you a gift and you don't know what to do with it, it won't make you happy. Some of you God gave a wonderful husband but you can't make a home and some of you God gave a wonderful wife but you can't make a good husband. Some of you can't even unwrap the gift so that you can appreciate it.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

And yet their reward appear not, and their labor had no fruit: for I have gone here and there through the heathen, and I see that they flow in wealth, and think not upon thy commandments.

You saw my leg?""How can a man help what he sees?" he said. "And, if I could add, you possess a very fine leg.

Why, you mean you didn't get abducted and dragged across country purely to make us a story for us to chew over endlessly?" asked Pip, tossing his shock of tow-colored hair indignantly. "The nerve!

My new story collection won’t please everyone, nor was it meant to. Then again, not everybody lives in my world. If they did, I’d have to move out and find another world to write about.

Be kind to dragons, for thou art crunchy when toasted and taste good with ketchup. (Sebastian)

They sounded like intestines, only on the outside, and the men in the Bible were always having them cut off and not being able to go to church. Horrid.

His experience was that Justice was rarely as just as it ought to be. The others agreed.

These be they that have put off the mortal clothing, and put on the immortal, and have confessed the name of God: now are they crowned, and receive palms.

I'm transferring Ian down to New Orleans to assist with this,” Arch said as he looked at both men. “I would send Shayne, but Anna won't let him go anywhere without her. They're still in the honeymoon phase.” He made a quote motion with his fingers. Peter and Vincent exchanged horrified looks, before Peter responded. “Please, don't put us through that torture.

The Proclaimers thunder through my head.Imagine it.Imagine killing someone to the tune of two Scottish nerds wearing glasses and flattop haircuts. How will I ever listen to that song again? What will I do if it comes on the radio? I'll think of the night I murdered another man and stole his life with my own hands.

Pure joy is rare. That’s why for every meal I eat a really bloody steak.

He went through the bills with the jaundiced eye of a China trader, asking himself not whether he had been stolen from, but where the theft had occurred. If he couldn’t find it, that would suggest his factor back home in Shanghai was either cleverer or more honest than he had thought, and Crane didn’t think he was particularly honest.

You know what you are, Sam Brody?" she whispered, wrapping her arms around his neck. "A big, fat tease." They both knew there wasn't an ounce of fat on him. They also both knew exactly what she meant.

Gabe watched, holding his breath as the figure slowly turned. The body moved in an almost unnatural way as it shifted and crawled slowly on all fours across the floor. When the candlelight at last fell on the figure, Gabe could make out the auburn hair of his beloved Sophie. Her hair was matted, greasy, and hung in her face.Gabe saw her shoulders were hollow looking and her skin was almost glowing white. Gabe caught sight of Sophie’s fingers, her knuckles were bloody, and her nails cracked and peeling. Instinctively, Gabe fell to his knees and crawled to Sophie. Without even giving it a thought, he grabbed her hands and pulled them closer to the light.

Ish #303 "It's a street food vendor! Stop asking for the health score rating.

A Man who has never lied to a woman has no respect for her feeling.

After 25 the only thing you’ll be precocious at is death.

You’re supposed to pinch yourself – not the one you’re dreaming about.

why can't you see i'm a kid', said the kid.Why try to make me like you?Why are you hurt when I don't cuddle?Why do you sigh when I splash through a puddle?Why do you scream when I do what I did?Im a kid.

She does know Harrison prefers men, right?”“Let her have hope,” I said, smiling to myself.He turned his attention back to me. “Yes. Hope is good. Bianca, I-” He grinned wickedly. “I knew you’d give in sooner or later.” He put his hand on my knee and ran it smoothly up my thigh. “You’re finally going to admit that you love me, aren’t you?”I swatted his hand away. “First of all,” I began, “I don’t love you. I love my family and maybe even Casey and Jessica, but romantic love takes years upon years to develop. So I don’t love you. But I will admit, I’ve thought a lot about you lately and I definitely have feelings for you… feelings other than hatred for the most part. And maybe it’s possible-in the future-that I… could love you.” I hesitated, a little scared of the words that’d just left my mouth. “But I still want to kill you most of the time.

You deal with mythological stuff for a few years, you learn that paradises are usually places where you get killed.

Death didn't bother me much. Strong Christian and all that. Method of death did. Being eaten alive. One of my top three ways not to go out.