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Humor Quotes - Page 200

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I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn't believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Ricky Gervais
Say 'provoking' again. Your mouth looks provocative when you do.
Becca Fitzpatrick
You are not responsible for the murderous rampage of an alien psycho, okay?
Pittacus Lore
Tiffany learned that Lin had stolen Tiffany’s book title idea: “2 girls 1 cup.” A month ago, Tiffany had confided to Lin about Tiffany’s research showing that there was nothing on Amazon with the title “2 girls 1 cup,” and Tiff intended to be the first one to use that title for her upcoming book. Lin had betrayed her. Now, Lin’s book was available online and it was on the bestsellers list. Tiffany’s first go-to move for revenge against any of her female friends was to go sleep with her BFF’s boyfriend. That was “Dr. Bob” as Lin called him affectionately (he was Lin’s drug source).
Lin Xun
I have nightmares about hell, where all I do is add up numbers and try to have conversations with people like you.
Jim Butcher
Yes, boys are a little like shoes. Why? Well...They can be useful. But mainly...They are nice to look at. Getting the right one can be a lovely accessory to an outfit. There are times when you couldn't do without them. And there are times when you'd rather do without them. Get the wrong ones and they can hurt. There are many types and often the ones that look the nicest are completely unpractical.
Rachel Hill
Stomp stomp. Whirr. Pleased to be of service.Shut up.Thank you.Stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp. Whirr. Thank you for making a simple door very happy.Hope your diodes rot.Thank you. Have a nice day.Stomp stomp stomp stomp. Whirr. It is my pleasure to open for you...Zark off....and my satisfaction to close again with the knowledge of a job well done.I said zark off.Thank you for listening to this message.
Douglas Adams
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.
Sam Levenson
Fashion doesn't make you perfect, but it makes you pretty.
Amit Kalantri
Hear me, and I will instruct thee; hearken to the thing that I say, and I shall tell thee more.
Compton Gage
New Rule: Apple's next device must be a computer that you control with your tongue. Thanks for eliminating the keyboard and the mouse, but pointing and pushing at things already seems too complicated and tiring. We're Americans--and until you free our hands from the computer entirely, we can never attain our ultimate goal: Web surfing while eating and masturbating.
Bill Maher
Just because you act a little guilty doesn't mean you're innocent.
Charlie Chan
Now, Woolf calls her fictional bastion of male privilege Oxbridge, so I'll call mine Yarvard. Even though she cannot attend Yarvard because she is a woman, Judith cheerfully applies for admission at, let's call it, Smithcliff, a prestigious women's college. She is denied admission on the grounds thatthe dorms and classrooms can'taccommodate wheelchairs, that her speech pattern would interfere with her elocution lessons, and that her presence would upset the other students. There is also the suggestion that she is not good marriage material for the men at the elite college to which Smithcliff is a bride-supplying "sister school." The letter inquires as to why she hasn't been institutionalized.When she goes to the administration building to protest the decision, she can't get up the flight of marble steps on the Greek Revival building. This edifice was designed to evoke a connection to the Classical world, which practiced infanticide of disabled newborns.
Rosemarie Garland-Thomson
Stop praying to God to change your marriage or your finances because you might end up seeing that you are the one that need the change not your marriage or finances.
Patience Johnson
But, I still can't totally forgive Dave for blowing my world apart. DO YOU HEAR THAT, DAVE?!
K.M. Shea
Megan stepping back let her glance switch from Alma to Isabel and return to Alma. No doubt about it, thought Megan. Created as much alike as any sisters ever had been, their resemblance started with their matching red-and-white polka dot blouses. Since she was a young girl, she had matched their eye colors to their different personalities.
Ed Lynskey
Annoyed?” said Sophie. “Why should I be annoyed? Someone only filled the castle with rotten aspic, and deafened everyone in Porthaven, and scared Calcifer to a cinder, and broke a few hundred hearts. Why should that annoy me?
Diana Wynne Jones
I’ve seen daggers pierce the chest,Children dying in the road,Crawling things hooked and baited,Rapists bound and then castrated,Villains singed in public square.Yet none these sights did make me cringeLike when my Love cut all her hair.
Roman Payne
LEARN FROM THE MASTERS: Mark Twain once said, “Show, don’t tell.” This is an incredibly important lesson for writers to remember; never get such a giant head that you feel entitled to throw around obscure phrases like “Show, don’t tell.” Thanks for nothing, Mr. Cryptic.
Colin Nissan
I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.
Bill Watterson
Toads are to dragons what carrots are to unicorns.
Ness Kingsley
Don't be shy, dear. I'm too old for you to be embarrassed by me.” #RicardoAlonso , #FatefulItalianPassion.
Olga Goa
I was trying to decide if you still had free will as a wolf. If I was a terrible person for planning to drug my girlfriend and drag her back to my house to keep in the basement.
Maggie Stiefvater
Clarification is not to clarify things. It is to put one’s self in the clear (Sir Humphrey Appleby)
Jonathan Lynn & Anthony Jay
Well", Fang said, mimicking a thick Southern drawl. "I must say its mighty nice of them Daimons to clean up after themselves when you kill them" He held his hands up to them. "Look Ma, no mess.""Does Fang have an off switch?" Talon asked Vane.
Sherrilyn Kenyon
It is Nixon himself who represents that dark, venal and incurably violent side of the American character that almost every country in the world has learned to fear and despise. Our Barbie-doll president, with his Barbie-doll wife and his boxful of Barbie-doll children is also America's answer to the monstrous Mr. Hyde. He speaks for the Werewolf in us; the bully, the predatory shyster who turns into something unspeakable, full of claws and bleeding string-warts on nights when the moon comes too close…
Hunter S. Thompson
I like to see an angry Englishman," said Poirot. "They are very amusing. The more emotional they feel the less command they have of language.
Agatha Christie
Yes, he is a man, so genetically he's engineered to be dense about many things, but he's not stupid.
Katie MacAlister
Was it animal pee or human pee? Someone asked.How would I know? What, am I an expert in the study of pee?
John Green
Sarcasm is when you tell someone the truth by lying on purpose.
Chuck Klosterman
Mama Ginger came calling, to set the alarm on my biological clock. Oh, and to remind me that there’s no point to me being a woman if I never have children.”“Well, if that’s true, I wasted a hell of a lot of money on panty hose and lipstick.” Jettie snorted.
Molly Harper
One of the first things we teach medical students is to listen to the patient by taking a careful medical history. Ninety percent of the time, you can arrive at an uncannily accurate diagnosis by paying close attention, using physical examination and sophisticated lab test to confirm your hunch (and to increase the bill to the insurance company).
V.S. Ramachandran
That's it, cupcake. You're going down.
Rick Riordan
We, in the interest of the so-called progress, have been persuaded to leave the production and at times the cooking of our food to companies whose owners and employees make a living by exploiting our busyness or laziness and our innate hunger to continue living.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
He was afraid to pick up the baby. If he touched it, it might bond with him or something. Or he might leave fingerprints all over it.
Judith Arnold
Give to the world the best you have and the best will come back to you.
Myrna Ericksen
I stared. "Canadian Satanists? You're sending me to a group of Canadian Satanists?
Richelle Mead
Hello, Mrs. Tran...I have David's homework. And if you ever want to see it again, you'll pay me the two million dollars I asked for.
Nenia Campbell
All your life you look to America for those home-grown, corn-fed tits that the Yank bitches all sprout when they’re about fourteen – those bulging DDs that you wank about as a kid as you look longingly across the Atlantic, simultaneously repulsed and electrified – and then the greatest tits you’ve ever seen walk straight out of Giffnock (Glasgow, but you knew that, right?) and bounce their sweet way down to you via the Caledonian-sleeper train. I know they say America is finished, but Christ, when the Jock lassies are packing the premium chest meat, you know they aren’t kidding.
Matthew Selwyn
That's a sweet piece," said Jean, briefly forgetting to be aggravated. "You didn't snatch that off a street.""No," said Locke, before taking another deep draught of the warm water in the decanter. "I got it from the neck of the governor's mistress.""You can't be serious.""In the governor's manor.""Of all the -" "In the governor's bed.""Damned lunatic!""With the governor sleeping next to her."The night quiet was broken by the high, distant trill of a whistle, the traditional swarming noise of city watches everywhere. Several other whistles joined in a few moments later."It is possible," said Locke with a sheepish grin, "that I have been slightly too bold.
Scott Lynch
But, I tell myself, Weight is just an artifact of gravity. If this were a jazz club on the moon, I would weigh less.
Weike Wang
Nothing is so common-place as to wish to be remarkable.
Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.
Is this your girl?" she asks, not waiting for an answer. "She's breathtaking.""You're my new favorite person," Billie giggles.
Rebecca Harris
The language of academic discourse, which is crucial to academic progress beyond grade 3 is learned by all children through literacy: there are no native speakers of academic language!
L. W. Fillmore
It didn't feel sporting to shoot at a crazy person, even if that person was a vampire who'd agreed to the job.
Gail Carriger
It has often been saidthere’s so much to be read,you never can cramall those words in your head.So the writer who breedsmore words than he needsis making a chorefor the reader who reads.That's why my belief isthe briefer the brief is,the greater the sighof the reader's relief is.And that's why your bookshave such power and strength.You publish with shorth!(Shorth is better than length.)
Dr. Seuss
It is very useful, when one is young, to learn the difference between "literally" and "figuratively." If something happens literally, it actually happens; if something happens figuratively, it feels like it is happening. If you are literally jumping for joy, for instance, it means you are leaping in the air because you are very happy. If you are figuratively jumping for joy, it means you are so happy that you could jump for joy, but are saving your energy for other matters.
Lemony Snicket
Seriously, Palta…” He was honestly puzzled, “I haven’t got a clue what you’re talking about. What about your ears is supposed to be so bizarre?”“Um…You’d have to be blind to miss them,” I replied sarcastically. “If you’re not, you will be when you poke your eye out on one of them.
M.A. George
I'd often slip and fall on the ice after last call, which explained the ever-present welts. If I were with a woman, I'd usually execute a precautionary vomit in the men's room in an effort avoid any ugly incidents once I got her back to her place. And they say chivalry is dead.
Dan Dunn
What should I say? ‘Well, the murder was a little upsetting, and the fire did worry me a bit. I was nearly date-raped and my ex best friend is crazy. But, hey, at least I’m making an A in History’?
C.J. Daugherty
I'd made the vampire cry. Great. I felt like a real superhero. Harry Dresden, breaker of monsters' hearts.
Jim Butcher
Give up trying to convince people who you are, instead confuse them. It is a lot more fun!
Shannon L. Alder
It has long been my motto that if you cannot get your act together... then the very least you can do is try to make your act entertaining.
Becky Johnson
Our first point of discussion is the hunt. (...) My idea is to start the film with an image of the vixen locked out of her lair which has been plugged up. Her terror as she's pursued across the country. This is a big deal. It means training a fox from birth or dressing up a dog to look like a fox. Or hiring David Attenbrorough, who probably knows a few foxes well enough to ask a favour.
Emma Thompson
If you wanted to kill me, why haven't you smothered me in my sleep?" "No sport in that." She gestured towards the ceiling. "Can I expect to be strung up on that bar and gutted like a deer?" He looked up at the bar and frowned. "Too much sport. Lots of heave-hoeing. Big mess to clean up after. Instead, why don't you just drink the poison-laced whiskey?" He extended the glass toward her again and when she didn't move he said, "No? Okay then." He shot the drink. She might not want the edge taken off but he sure as hell did.
Sandra Brown
I am your sire. I am to guide you through your first days as a vampire. Your first feeding is a rite of passage, a sacrament. It will not be wasted on some hormone-driven frenzy. This is why I wanted you to feed from me.”“I will not drink it in a house, I will not drink it with a mouse. I will not drink it here or there, I will not drink it anywhere,” I wheezed, hoping I was able to communicate adequate sarcasm through the crippling belly cramps.“Did you just quote Green Eggs and Ham?
Molly Harper
If bliss are a type of potato, then ignorance can be french-fried
Josh Stern
Hey, I am thinking of it myself, in this part of world (East), we all do endeavors in praying and are sweating (white liquid) and this is our situation, frustrated , but on the other part of world (West) ,they are enjoying in party and drinking liquor (white liquid) but their situation is that, successful, I do not know that the problem relates to the type of liquid or the way of drinking!!
Ali Shariati
This is going to be murder," Fransic whispered to Mr. Trimes. "Pure murder.""I'm glad to see your confidence returning, Mr. Tucket. Just a few minutes ago you were ready to give up. Now you're talking about killing him.""I meant it the other way.""Oh.
Gary Paulsen
The world is a stage and the play is badly cast.
Oscar Wilde
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