Humor Quotes - Page 199

You know there is such a things as a door," I whispered. "You should try it some time.

Never take life too seriously, you're never getting out of it alive.

The easiest way to remember your future wife’s birthday is to marry her on Super Bowl Sunday.

It's a good thing you're an aging orphan," he murmured, gently pushing the hair away from her face. "I don't have to wait around to get anyone's permission.""Permission for what, you rat bastard?" she said. "Such language, dragon. I'm afraid you're going to have to marry me.

She speaks in heartbeats and the rises of her chest, words forever seared in thoughts that will never rest.

I spilled my cup of coffee straight onto my crotch. Superior heat retention has its drawbacks. I grimaced as the scalding liquid reached ground zero, but as I did my best to angle my jeans away from the Resnick family's last hope, my seatmate decided to dispose of her hoodie.I juggled two pressing needs:1) Protect the nethers.2) Leer

It's spider season. Every year, right about now, thousands of the godless eight-legged bastards emerge from the bowels of hell (or the garden, whichever's nearest) with the sole intention of tormenting humankind.

Gideon laughed. "I like to be direct.""Okay," I said. "But I warn you, I like to be evasive, inserutable and generally send mixed messages." "I doubt it.""Human interaction is not my strong point," I told him. "Not seriously.""Seriously," I said. Thinking: There is so much about me he doesn't know. Gideon put his hand on my leg. "What's your strong point, then?""Goats," I told him. "I am excellent with goats.

Max - "...Do me a favor, if the constable comes knocking, tell him I was here all morning, will you?"Dodsley - "Killed someone again, did we?"Max- "Never before luncheon, Dodsley. It's still early yet.

Amazing how a confluence of praise and lust can just make your defensive barriers collapse like Jell-O on a hot stove

I never know," Harry called to Hagrid over the noise of the cart, "What's the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite?""Stalagmite's got an 'm' in it," said Hagrid.

Mankind's biggest blunder, ignorance. Mankind's second, infallible.

I'm going to make love to you, Lanie. I'm not your first, but I will be the last.

She had no idea how long they kissed—and kissed—but she didn’t think about stopping until she ran out of air. Breathing hard, she slowly opened her eyes and stared directly into his.They’d heated. Darkened. And something else. He wasn’t looking so relaxed now. In fact, he was looking the opposite of relaxed. He looked…feral.And she was his prey.

Whenever someone is a threat to the enemy there will be an attack dispatched against that person to try to minimise their effectiveness.

After the group vet appointment--during which Lyle scratched the vet, the vet tech, and some poor woman minding her own business in the waiting room--we went back to Sabrina's and re-released the cats to their natural habitat.

The scrupulous survivors in life are the best counterweight to unscrupulous survivors.

Yeah! Bring it on lake!" -Coach Gleeson Hedge

Ichigo: You got that? Huh?! I'm the rescuer, so you just SHUT UP!!Rukia: Wha--wha'd you say? A rescuer isn't supposed to ignore the rescuee!Ichigo: Yeah? And what kind of rescuee complains about the rescue!? Why don't you go sit in a corner and tremble in fear and cry out "Save me! Save me!" like you're supposed to?! tremble!

I think he could handle being used. It would be good for him. He's having trouble sleeping.

Sometimes I wonder if the human race isn't collectively as mad as a sack of door knobs.

I stared up at the sky and raised my middle finger, just in case God was watching. I don't like being spied on.

I don't have a lot of domestic instincts," Ranger said to me, his attention fixing on the unidentifiable glob in my hair, "but I have a real strong urge to take you home and hose you down."I went dry mouth. Connie bit into her lower lip, and Lula fanned herself with a file.

These guys may not talk too much about relationships, but they sure do blush at telling moments, don’t they? Maybe that’s the key to understanding the opposite sex; I could invent a science, call it blushology.

I'm so sorry. I think I'm just tired." The socially accepted excuse for being mental.

So it's true what they say about warlocks,

The pillow whistled across the room and smacked him in the face. Nicolas smiled, satisfied. If he was going to die, this was the man he wanted to die beside.

You’re fucking kidding me, right?” “I don’t kid about fucking.

That is when you know you have reached the point of no return, when you began to stalk a ghost.

There is a crucifix, a few cloves of garlic, a wooden stake, a hammer, a blob of Silly Putty, and a pocketknife. “You do realize these people aren’t vampires, right?” I say when Sam walks back in. “Yeah, but you never know. They’re probably crazy, like you said.” “And even if we were hunting vampires, what the hell is the Silly Putty for?” He shrugs. “Just want to be prepared.

In another telling anomaly of the meat-grinding business, many of the larger slaughterhouses will sell their product only to grinders who agree to not test their product for E. coli contamination--until after it's run through a grinder with a whole bunch of other meat from other sources...It's like demanding of a date that she have unprotected sex with four or five other guys immediately before sleeping with you--just so she can't point the finger directly at you should she later test positive for clap.

He is as good as anybody in this parish! He is very particular, too, about going to church-yes, he is!''I am afeard nobody ever saw him there. I never did, certainly.''The reason of that is,' she said eagerly, 'that he goes in privately by the old tower door, just when the service commences, and sits at the back of the gallery. He told me so.'This supreme instance of Troy's goodness fell upon Gabriel's ears like the thirteenth stroke of a crazy clock. It was not only received with utter incredulity as regarded itself, but threw doubt on all the assurances that had preceded it.

I can't drop it. It's how I'm drawn.

If America runs on Dunkin', do I detect a slight limp?

Merrick and I had both had tattoos, my magpie and his elephant and castle, imposed on us as…it’s a long story. A reward, or apology, or both, from the Dragon Head, or grand master, of one of the larger criminal organisations in China after we accidentally saved his son’s life.”“Accidentally?”“It’s a VERY long story.

We have the power to move mountain, if we have faith that the mountain can be moved.

Relationships are not additive, but multiplicative because you connect with his/her childhood experiences, past relationships, thoughts on money and more.

Listen, street punk. You're a guy, and you're a couple inches taller, and maybe forty pounds heavier, and ooh, you're in a gang. But I've survived ten years of Catholic school, and I will cut you off at your knees without a blink. Do you understand?

You must admit I have a right to live in a pigsty if I want.

Lost Cactus is a cornucopia of sights, sounds and inhabitants completely foreign to a little squirrel like Sammy, but attempting to set him straight will only complicate matters.

So why in the name of Merlin’s saggy left —”“Don’t talk to your mother like that.

I've been trying to figure that out since I met him. I've had more luck trying to smell the color nine.

It's my letter," she began. "I cannot make it right.""Come in, come in," the Prince said gently. "Maybe we can help you." She sat down in the same chair as before. "All right, I'll close my eyes and listen; read to me."" 'Westley, my passion, my sweet, my only, my own. Come back, come back. I shall kill myself otherwise. Yours in torment, Buttercup.' " She looked at Humperdinck. "Well? Do you think I'm throwing myself at him?""It does seem a bit forward," the Prince admitted. "It doesn't leave him a great deal of room to maneuver.

So that's little Scorpious. Make sure you beat him in every test, Rosie. Thank god you've inherited your mother's brains.

Kindness is a source of relief to the soul of the giver, creating a sense of fortitude that is incomprehensible to those who do not know what kindness is all about.

Quit analyzing me. My crazy needs no definition.

She even tried the one which every romantic nerve in her body insisted should work, which consisted of theatrically giving up, sitting down, and letting her glance fall naturally on a patch of earth which, if she had been in any decent narrative, should have contained the book.It didn't.

(Sadie)"I'm not judging you, Dylan. I love vampire movies. If I looked surprised it was only because it's so different from your TV work, that's all."His shoulders relaxed a notch. "Sorry. Olly gives me a lot of shit for selling out. He doesn't get that no one is ever going to make his movie about two old men on a fishing trip. Or, even if they do, no one is every going to go see it.

Oh- and grab the plastic bag over by my suitcase."I slug down the last of the coffee and get up. The bag contains panty hose. I put them on her desk."They're for you.""You want me to look homeless, desperate, but also kind of fabulous?

You really want my honest opinion?” I ask.tAnton gestures for me to go on. “Please, this is why I hired you, devochka.”tI detect a little hint of sarcasm, but I go ahead and say, “I hate restaurants like this.”t“Why?” He seems genuinely curious to know why.t“Because—because they’re expensive.”t“What is the problem? I’m paying for everything.”tI shake my head. “It’s not that—you see,” I lower my voice, “ this is where famous people eat.”t“Famous?” Anton pretends to look around. “Where?”t“I think that’s the guy from that prank show. And there’s that guy from those vampire movies. And Maya Findlay.”t“Yeah? I don’t know who they are.”t“Really?” I ask dubiously.t“I’m not into the famous people thing too.”t“Really.”t“Yes.”t“Which is why you only date models who want to become actresses.” I notice him giving me a look. “Sorry,” I say sheepishly.

To be, or not to be: what a question!

My boyfriend likes to fuck my brains out on our kitchen island. Which tile would you recommend for that?

Did I love her? No. I obsessed over her completely. And thank heavens I was obsessed. Obsession, infatuation, is something short-lived. A sweet fever dream that leaves you exhausted from the high. Love is perpetual. Love is an entire world compared to that other form of mania people mistake love for. If love is loving the reality of a person, obsession is idealising the fantasy of another. Did I love her? No. Never. But I was utterly obsessed.

The wall between writing and painting is just good grammar. Moderation in moderation. Fun is scary with a happy ending. Just love. If love doesn’t transform that which annoys you, it will be easier to tolerate.

Excerpt:Here are some thoughts from Charlene the Star:“I’ll bet that’s why Mama put the word “Star” in myname. I have a feeling I’m going to be a star as a jumper.

If there was anything that depressed him more than his own cynicism, it was that quite often it still wasn't as cynical as real life.

Remember: if you see something, say nothing, and drink to forget.

As far as he was concerned, there were only two all-important laws on earth:1. Don’t murder people.2. Never swear in front of Lilly.

Two death sentences? Really? I mean, you look very well, considering.”Crane grinned at him. “One was in absentia. One wasn’t, and I spent three days in a condemned cell. I can’t recommend the experience.”“And—did you say a smuggler?”“That was what the death sentences were for.

The Challenge is to pry Bertie loose from Dain and his circle of oafish dengenerates,” Jessica said severely. “It would be far more profitable to pry Dain loose for yourself,” said her grandmother. “He is very wealthy, his lineage is excellent, he is young, strong, and healthy, and you feel a powerful attraction.” “He isn’t husband material.” “What I have described is perfect husband material.” said her grandmother. “I don’t want a husband.” “Jessica, no woman does who can regard men objectively. And you have always been magnificently objective.