Humor Quotes - Page 194

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Sometimes people are often confused between attitude and style. Nevermind, I'm Awesome.

MS. THOMPSON, it said in heavy block letters, PLEASE KEEP YOUR FELINE OFF MY PROPERTY. IF I SEE IT AGAIN, I WILL EAT IT.

It's best to locate the mind first before launching the 'missiles of contention'.

One time, I went to a restaurant and I asked the waiter for some food for thought. He left, came back, and tried shoving a sirloin in my ear.

She complains that I'm lazy, but I just like to save my energy for dinner.

A troupe learns to play like we all learn to screw, stumbling and jostling until everything's finally in the right place.

There is a funny story I always tell my students...when I came for the first time to the US. I didn’t speak English (Only Spanish) & I saw on every door the word “exit” which in Spanish means Success = Exito. And then I said :”No wonder Americans are winners ,every door they take leads to success” ~smile :)

I've just vowed my love for you. Have you nothing to say in return?" Duncan asked."Thank you, husband.

Of course motivation is not permanent. But then, neither is bathing; but it is something you should do on a regular basis.

There are some things that don’t function as one would assume. For example, the impulse and linear thinking associated with the search for happiness most often produce questions like, “What’s in it for me?” or “How do I get what I want?” Paradoxically, if you will, that very question pushes authentic happiness away. Now, to try to explain that to someone in such a way that they hear and are interested by the idea is going to probably involve some paradox and non-linearity.

There is a species of primate in South America more gregarious than most other mammals, with a curious behavior.The members of this species often gather in groups, large and small, and in the course of their mutual chattering , under a wide variety of circumstances, they are induced to engage in bouts of involuntary, convulsive respiration, a sort of loud, helpless, mutually reinforcing group panting that sometimes is so severe as to incapacitate them. Far from being aversive,however, these attacks seem to be sought out by most members of the species, some of whom even appear to be addicted to them....the species in Homo sapiens (which does indeed inhabit South America, among other places), and the behavior is laughter.

The powers of a man's mind are directly proportioned to the quantity of coffee he drinks.

Focus. She’s Maddie. Your friend. Would you eyeball Keith or Dane’s butt like that? ~ Zach

He explained civilization to me. I mean how it looks to him. He's going to let it go on a little while longer. But it better be careful and not interfere with his private life. If it does, he's apt to make a phone call to God and cancel the order.

Are you a person who peels off a band-aid slowly or just rips it off all at once?" Casey contemplated Alexa's warning, recognizing it for what it was.

Let's see if your right foot is as fearless as your mouth.

There's a big luscious peach of a dream in L.A. The peach has been repeatedly exposed as overripe and tainted with wormholes... but it's still the only giant peach in town. Even if it's wet-brown and crawling with centipedes, everyone wants their bite.

...crackers..." a voice breathed out nehind us, "yesss..."Both of us turned, watching as Chubs twisted around in his seat and settled back down, still fast asleep. I pressed a hand over my mouth to keep from laughing. Liam rolled his eyes, smiling. .

The vote was taken at once, and it was agreed by an overwhelming majority that rats were comrades.There were only four dissentients, the three dogs and the cat, who was afterwards discovered to have voted on both sides.

Leaving us with Eric is like hiring a babysitter who spends his time sharpening knives.

If you count sheep before you go to sleep, are you barrrrr'd from dreams?

The Destiny of Man is to unite, not to divide. If you keep on dividing you end up as a collection of monkeys throwing nuts at each other out of separate trees.

Trust her we girls are two sheets short of psycho when it comes to our special little time.

New Rule: Stop leaving couches on the sidewalk. Besides being lazy and ugly, it's animal cruelty. You teach your dog not to pee on the couch, and then when you take him to the place he's supposed to pee, there's a couch.

I’d said it before and meant it: Alive or undead, the love of my life was a badass.

You set fire to my house, killed my family, and ate my dog. But steal my boyfriend? That's a step too far.

Writer’s block is only a failure of the ego.

Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Suddenly, she employed those very English weapons: devious good manners and a rapid change of subject.

Homeowners' Association: the means whereby people who own homes are able to transfer their rights to the neighborhood control freaks.

I’ve never been bothered with my conduct. I’ve only been bothered by people that don’t get it correct when they gossip about me.

He imagines Owens' body dotted with saltwater reservoirs just below the skin. An entire wetland, populated with tiny fish and birds, thriving in his agitation. A species of dwarf crocodile lazing beside an artery.

This is unacceptable! We’re English, damn it! We know how to build things where they shouldn't be!" - Governor Dewar

How can you read and talk at the same time?” I asked.“Well, I usually can’t, but neither the book nor the conversation is particularly intellectually challenging.

I don't care what people say, I mind myself as who and what I am 'cause I'm born this way.

Miss Vesper Holly has the digestive talents of a goat and the mind of a chess master. She is familiar with half a dozen languages and can swear fluently in all of them. She understands the use of a slide rule but prefers doing calculations in her head. She does not hesitate to risk life and limb- mine as well as her own. No doubt she has other qualities as yet undiscovered. I hope not.

The pursuit of historical relevance is an under appreciated endeavor.

A maid’s yard, house, wardrobe, fridge, etc. sometimes also serve as her master’s dustbin or dumpsite.

Get out of here. Yoda so does not have an English accent!''Other than that you're saying I'm a dead ringer?''If the shoe fits.''Sheesh, I hate tall girls.

There is, perhaps, no more dangerous man in the world than the man with the sensibilities of an artist but without creative talent. With luck such men make wonderful theatrical impresarios and interior decorators, or else they become mass murderers or critics.

Man's panic does not produce God's power.....sometimes you need to pray before you post on social media.

An artist is identical with an anarchist,' he cried. 'You might transpose the words anywhere. An anarchist is an artist. The man who throws a bomb is an artist, because he prefers a great moment to everything. He sees how much more valuable is one burst of blazing light, one peal of perfect thunder, than the mere common bodies of a few shapeless policemen. An artist disregards all governments, abolishes all conventions. The poet delights in disorder only. If it were not so, the most poetical thing in the world would be the Underground Railway.''So it is,' said Mr. Syme.'Nonsense!' said Gregory, who was very rational when any one else attempted paradox.

Sorry," she said. "I have a psychological disorder that prevents me from keeping thoughts inside my head where they belong.

Normal people can become very annoying if put in annoying situations.

We thought it was nice of you to let him have a go, because, in England, he wouldn't be trusted with a pair of scissors.

I felt very close to God.... My friends say that's because I was always on my knees.

The next my parents and Brianna come rollin' up in here, I'm gonna scream, "Hey! Why don't y'all just MOVE IN?!

I treat my thoughts like an old person treats their valuables: I cannot for the life of me proceed to throwing them out.

I never met a man that I didn't like.

All pomp and show.” Anjali’s glare at the house would’ve exploded bricks if she’d had superhuman powers. “A fat cow needs a big barn.

I never joined, but I used to go to church now and then. I liked it, because they always passed out plates of money at the end.

Now, I have nothing against the public school system as it is presently organized, once you allow the humor of its basic assumption about how it is possible to teach things to children....

Most adults are knowledgeable to a child, but ignorant for their age.

So, many years later there were many who still complained and questioned, ‘Why must you pick up Christians and Hindus in your ambulance?’ And I was saying, ‘Because the ambulance is more Muslim than you’.

Parents. Honestly. Sometimes they really do think the world revolves around them.

What are you grinning at?" Katsa demanded for the third or fourth time. "Is the ceiling about to cave in on my head or something? You look like we're both on the verge of an enormous joke.""Katsa, only you would consider the collapse of the ceiling a good joke.

Self-pity is the hens' besetting sin," remarked Mr. Payton. "Foolish fowl. How they came to achieve anything as perfect as the egg I do not know! I cannot fathom.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?