Humor Quotes - Page 174

The young nihilists," Dad called us."What are nihilists?""Nihilists believe that nothing has any meaning. They believe in nothing.""Yeah," said Earl. "I'm a nihilist."Me, too," I said."Good for you," Dad said, grinning. Then he stopped grinning and said, "Don't tell your mom.

She said yes. If only she didn't talk so much!

People say everybody has a book inside them, so why not make your life a great story?

Gossiping's part of witchcraft,' said Tiffany. 'They're checking to see if they've gone batty yet.

She would walk through the kitchen at any hour, whenever she was hungry, and put her fork in the pots and eat a little of everything without placing anything on a plate, standing in front of the stove, talking to the serving women, who were the only ones with whom she felt comfortable, the ones she got along with best.

The whole image is that eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God's infinite love. That's the message we're brought up with, isn't it? Believe or die! Thank you, forgiving Lord, for all those options.

Something about telling that story made my gut grow back together."What?"Oh, nothing. Just thinking out loud."That's who you really like. The people you can think out loud in front of."The people who've been in your secret hiding places."The people you bite your thumb in front of."Hi."Hi."..."..."Wow. My first Lindsey."My second Colin."That was fun. Let's try it again."Sold."..."..."..."...

I said I fell down. Ah. The ground bloodied your nose, split yer lip, and punched ye in th' eye, all at once.I said I don't want to talk about it.

When approaching a prospective human, first ask them what their name is. * If it replies "Brains," blow its fucking head off. * If it replies "Brian," ask it again, as you may have encountered a zombie with a speech impediment, or a zombie that was mildly retarded in life. * Keep in mind that it is entirely possible that you did encounter a human named "Brian.

New Rule: Oil companies must stop with the advertisements implying they're friends of the environment. "At Exxon Mobil, we care about a thriving wildlife." Please--the only thing an oil executive has in common with a seagull is they'd both steal french fries from a baby.

It is perfectly monstrous,' he said, at last, 'the way people go about nowadays saying things against one behind one's back that are absolutely and entirely true.

You've always said I should have an inquiring mind," she said. "I have. But not an interrupting one.

If we're going to the Silent City, you might want to get dressed. I mean, I appreciate the bra-and-panties look, but I don't know if the Silent Brothers will. There are only a few of the left, and I don't want them to die of excitement.

Father, we come to You, Father, in the name of the Father, Father we come to You, Father, Father, just, just, Father, Father...' You don't talk to you friends like that. 'Ed, Ed, come over, Ed, Ed, Ed, you are, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, ooh, Ed, Ed, Ed' - he wouldn't be your friend anymore if you did that! Like, 'You keep saying Ed...my name's Joe!

[I] don't think I was trying to kill myself. I just wanted to hurt, and understand exactly whay I was hurting. This made sense: you cut, you felt pain, period.

Some people live their memorable years fighting against their basic instincts only to succumb in the end to what was actually good for them.

Will you quit shouting and let me bleed in peace!

As my mom used to say,"If wishes were horses, we'd be up to our eyeballs in shit.

I spilled more times than a glass of milk on a roller coaster.

Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.

One day she was going to be found dead mid-hump on a polyurethane phallus

You may marry Miss Grey for her fifteen pounds but you will always be my Willoughby. My nightmare. My sorrow. My past. My mistake. My regret. My love.

Those guards are going to be all sorts of pissed when they find out they've been following a bunny rabbit.

It starts innocently. Casually. You turn up at the annual spring fair full of beans, help with the raffle tickets (because the pretty red-haired music teacher asks you to) and win a bottle of whiskey (all school raffles are fixed), and, before you know where you are, you're turning up at the weekly school council meetings, organizing concerts, discussing plans for a new music department, donating funds for the rejuvenation of the water fountains—you're implicated in the school, you're involved in it. Sooner or later you stop dropping your children at the school gates. You start following them in.

If a tree falls in the forest and kills your ex-wife, what do you do with the lumber?

It means 'Shadowhunters: Looking Better in Black Than the Widows of our Enemies Since 1234'.

...and of course reconcilliation with England--the country that from the first should have been, given her parallel territorial ambitions, our closest ally--so that some day in the future we can act as one. It remains a mystery to me why that last relationship never worked out. How many more bombs would we have had to drop on their cities before they realized that we were their friends?

Past age fifty-five, I experienced the advancement of exquisite fabric choices, paint distinctions that were celestial in scope, yet so many other man-made objects, such as people, became drab, redundant and boring.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, "There's just something about you that pisses me off.

Your wife is smarter than you; know this, and you will live happily ever after.

I hate girls that giggle all the time... You hate any girl that David looks at.

If we would learn what the human race really is at bottom, we need only observe it in election times.

I do not know if all cops are poets, but I know that all cops carry guns with triggers.

[…] I have a date this afternoon." "Oh, Lord." Jake closed his eyes. "Who are you going to destroy now?""I beg your pardon?""The hotel would appreciate it if you'd just throw back the men you don't like without maiming them.""I haven't maimed anyone.""You almost drowned Lance, you scared Peter into heart palpitations, you stabbed Donald with a fork, and you hit Brad over the head with a bottle." Jake shook his head. "And they still ask you out.

He thinks himself rather an exceptional young man, thoroughly sophisticated, well adjusted to his environment, and somewhat more significant than any one else he knows.

Southern hospitality and Amish cooking - Ya'll Come Back, Danki.

After dinner, at five o’clock, the crew distributed folding canvas cots to the passengers, and each person opened his bed wherever he could find room, arranged it with the bedclothes from his petate, and set the mosquito netting over that. Those with hammocks hung them in the salon, and those who had nothing slept on the tablecloths that were not changed more than twice during the trip.

No offense, Jaron, but I don't want your life. Even locked away behind closed doors I got a taste for how awful it can be.""Did anyone try to kill you while I was gone?""No.""Then you didn't even get a taste.

I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.

Not all tongues that wag cohabit with a brain.

You bruised my ego, you see, and there’s just not enough money in the world to soothe my ego when it gets bruised

If by fawning, you mean he’s a deer, I have a gun, and it’s hunting season, then I guess you’re right.

Okay, seriously, I dont know if this is true or not, but I heard people who use profanity are trying to compensate for their lack of you know... size" -Tuck

Mr. Schlubb, the pear-shaped PE teacher, sent us all out to run half a dozen laps around a preposterously enormous cinder track. For the Greenwood kids—all of us white, marshmallowy, innately unphysical, squinting unfamiliarly in the bright sunshine—it was a shock to the system of an unprecedented order.

He runs his eye along the row of knives in their racks, the cleavers for splitting bones. He picks one up, looks at its edge, decides it needs sharpening and says, "Do you think I look like a murderer? In your good opinion?"A silence. After a while, Thurston proffers, "At this moment, master, I would have to say...

A nonhot boy stares at you and it is, at best, awkward and, at worst, a form of assault. But a hot boy...well.

Even if I could, I wouldn't. Scars can come in handy. I have one myself above my left knee that is a perfect map of the London Underground.

The perfect body protects its owner from disease, gives birth to amazing new people and stops your bones from falling out. The end.

My great-great grandfather and I were the best of friends, although we never met

You can't draw lines in the sand like that. Humour's a tsunami that doesn't care about your little lines.

There is a characteristic INTJ expression which has become popularly termed "the death glare." This facial expression is actually not a glare, but the INTJ's neutral face.

You could have agreed to disagree,” Megan argued. “Then you could kiss and make up. That could be fun.

I'm a Baroque person. More than Baroque, I'm a Rococo person. I don't draw straight lines.

It was nice of her to want to believe the best about me. People tend to do that with the strangers they're fucking. If she wanted to think that apathy and independence were the same thing, good for her. Maybe she was right.

Wearing a condom is like eating an icecream cone with a sock on your tongue.

Conflict is much the same, injustice and inequality is nothing new to our generation only the contest has changed because not only that everyone has opinion but they also have an opportunity to voice it and that is a bit dangerous.

I guess if you get too close, the twinkling stops; they don’t look like stars anymore.

My MOTIVATION was struggling..I got Tired of it!

Life's too short, drive it like ya stole it!

The trouble with cousins, Lizabeth thought, was that they knew all about you, even your allergies.