Humor Quotes - Page 134

You know, I'm really starting to hate the insect life around here. Next time, remind me to bring a can of Off!

The nature of yearning is urgent so as to guarantee evolution, change.

He didn't give a shit if Shakespeare didn't have glitter back in his day.

We still need to give our best to life even if we do not understand the purpose of our existence on earth.

Yet, for my part, I was never usually squeamish; I could sometimes eat a fried rat with a good relish, if it were necessary. I am glad to have drunk water so long, for the same reason that I prefer the natural sky to an opium-eater’s heaven. I would fain keep sober always; and there are infinite degrees of drunkenness. I believe that water is the only drink for a wise man; wine is not so noble a liquor; and think of dashing the hopes of a morning with a cup of warm coffee, or of an evening with a dish of tea! Ah, how low I fail when I am tempted by them! Even music may be intoxicating. Such apparently slight causes destroyed Greece and Rome, and will destroy England and America. Of all ebriosity, who does not prefer to be intoxicated by the air he breathes?

ligion is the opiate of the masses." "I did masses of opiates religiously.

He couldn’t see why people made such a fuss about people eating their silly old fruit anyway, but life would be a lot less fun if they didn’t. And there was never an apple, in Adam’s opinion, that wasn’t worth the trouble you got into for eating it.

That does it," said Jace. "I'm going to get you a dictionary for Christmas this year.""Why?" Isabelle said."So you can look up 'fun.' I'm not sure you know what it means.

But Calvin is no kind and loving god! He's one of the old gods! He demands sacrifice!

You wanted to lick my face the first time you saw me? Is that usually what you do when you’re attracted to guys?” I shake my head. “Not your face, your dimple. And no. You’re the only guy I’ve ever had the urge to lick.” He smiles at me confidently. “Good. Because you’re the only girl I’ve ever had the urge to love.

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.

Kools and Newports were for black people and lower-class whites. Camels were for procrastinators, those who wrote bad poetry, and those who put off writing bad poetry. Merits were for sex addicts, Salems were for alcoholics, and Mores were for people who considered themselves to be outrageous but really weren't.

Besides, when I look around me at the men, I feel that God never meant us women to be too particular.

I like talking about people who don't have any power and it seems like some of the least powerful people in the United States are the migrant workers who come and do our work and don't have any rights as a result. And yet we still invite them to come here, and at the same time ask them to leave.

If the weight comes from bacon you can so deduct it off the scale total to get your true weight. #science

I stumbled up the hill back toward the Hab. As I crested the rise, I saw something that made me very happy and something that made me very sad: The Hab was intact (yay!) and the MAV was gone (boo!).

But in those first hours after you take it, your brain is tuned in like nothing you can imagine. Eyes like the Hubble telescope, sensing light that's not even on the spectrum. You might be able to read minds, make time stop, cook pasta that's exactly right every time.

Female Mercenary. This will be a companion on your Tour. She is usually tall, thin and wiry, silent, and neurotic. Sex scares her. This is because she either came from a nunnery or was raped as a child. Or both. Somehow this inspired her to become a mercenary and she is very good at her job. You can rely on her absolutely in a fight. She can usually kill two people at once while guarding your back in between. The rest of the time, she will irritate you with lots of punctilious weapons cleaning and a perpetual insistence that a proper watch be kept. Mostly, she will have no magic talents, but sometimes, in an emergency, she will come up with a gift or vision. You will end up grudgingly admiring her.

I can finish that off and get you something better,” he offered.“You’d eat my leftovers?...” I felt like such a prima donna. “You’re a king.”“I’m a…hungry…king,” he shrugged, as he unassumingly glanced to the side. “I’m not picky.

Hi, you've reached Caitlin! I'm either on the other line or I'm purposely ignoring you. Or maybe Mrs. Mitchell confiscated my phone for texting in class again... Leave a message and if I deem you worthy, or at least hot, I'll call you back. Mwah!

You can't judge a book by it's cover but you can sure sell a bunch of books if you have a good one.

I have something that I call my Golden Rule. It goes something like this: 'Do unto others twenty-five percent better than you expect them to do unto you.' … The twenty-five percent is for error.

Sorry, maybe this is the head injury talking, but … what?

Seriously, Jack, I think you might be the only guy in this city who hasn’t read his stuff. Collin McCann is like the Carrie Bradshaw of Chicago men.”“You mean Terry Bradshaw,” Jack corrected.“No, Carrie,” Wilkins repeated. “You know, Sarah Jessica Parker. Sex and the City.”A silence fell over the room as Collin and Jack stared at Wilkins, seriously fearing for the fate of men.

The sad thing about true stupidity is that you can do absolutely nothing about it.

Julio was willing to bet that Officer "I've Seen It All" Mac had never seen a horde of black-skinned demons wearing rags and armor and carrying swords and spears, dragging a naked woman and a chubby boy by a rope. No, he was willing to bet his left nut that even officer Mac had never seen such a thing.

We were fighting about nothing important while dreaming of the same things.

Most people new to a city on the ocean would probably go to the beach during the day when there are people around. I, on the other hand, decided to try a midnight swim at the somewhat gamy Santa Monica pier, by myself. That is, until a nearby guard kicked me off the beach for my own safety.

Try saying this: 'What's true for me today is that I have angry feelings concerning what I heard you say when you said what you said. It reminds me of what my mother said when she said what she said, and that hurts me so that's where I'm at with this, and it's not all right with me for today.' This should help to avoid a lot of communication problems.

The writer is the cursed artist of the soul. The expression of his art is a reflection of his quest to understand man by unraveling the mysteries that have been haunting humankind from time immemorial. In the end of his journey to understand man, the writer becomes more human even though his soul ends up finding less peace.

Casting a curious gaze down on planet Earth, extra-terrestrial beings could well be forgiven for assuming that we humans are programmed in every move we make, by a palm-sized, oblong, slab of glass. More perplexing than that, who on earth could convince them otherwise ?

That’s quite the specific search...'Sadistic Old-Bag-Murdering Witches'—I can’t even begin to imagine what that involves.

What are American dry-goods? asked the duchess, raising her large hands in wonder and accentuating the verb.American novels, answered Lord Henry.

You can safely assume you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do.

I guess the sacrifice of my dignity is the only thing that will save us now. The things I endure for love. The Fates laugh at my torment.

Our listeners asked us:"What is chaos?"We're answering:"We do not comment on economic policy.

...flames moved towards himand dropped within-singed and marred his tender skin ...(the frightful plight tale)

Ricewind had always relied on running away. But somerimes, perhaps, you had to stand and fight, if only because there was nowhere left to run.

Your ancient enemy is basically just a really, really big squirrel

The interior of the arms dealer's private jet was so ugly it hurt my feelings as well as my eyeballs.

Now stand in the corner, and think about what you've done!

You have two eyes, and two ears, but only one mouth. This is so because you are supposed to look and listen more than you talk.

The integrity of my sleep has been forever compromised, sir.

Haven't you ever heard of pornographic gibberish before?

Many obese people spend a significant amount of their energy on suppressing the urge to tell some of the people who are staring at them that they do not eat as much and as frequently as they seem to.

some smart alecs of those days after World War I used to say: "The French fought for liberty, the British fought to control the seas, but the Americans fought for souvenirs.

Fortunately, we did most of our athletic stuff inside, so we didn't have to jog through Tribeca looking like a bunch of boot-camp hippie children.

I had a dream about you last night... you sat in a cardboard box and said you were a tree.

They say a woman's loyalty only lasts as long as it takes her to hang up and dial again.

First, I'm not getting married, so you can forget the wife. Second, if I was insane enough to get married, I wouldn't have kids. Third, if I was insane enough to get married and have kids, it would be a cold day in hell I'd let you babysit.

The only person I compete with is Satan. If that happens to be you, then could you please move out of the way? You’re standing in Christ’s spot.

This showed once again that everyone had something different to lose in this battle. Some were concerned for their lives, and some for those they cared most about: rays, sea horses, even the chickens that ran free in the streets of the city because they couldn't all be caught in time.

She was every inch the skeletal goddess that had been promised by the bones of her feet.

Hapi?" I asked."Why, yes, I am happy!" Hapi beamed. "I'm always happy because I'm Hapi! Are you happy?"Zia frowned up at the giant. "Does he have to be so big?"The god laughed. Immediately he shrank down to human size, though the crazy cheerful look on his face was still pretty unnerving."Oh, Setne!" Hapi chuckled and pushed the ghost playfully. "I hate this guy. Absolutely despise him!"Hapi's smile became painfully wide. "I'd love to rip off your arms and legs, Setne. That would be amazing!"Setne ... drifted a little farther away from the smiling god."Oh!" Hapi clapped excitedly. "The world is going to end tomorrow. I forgot!""You'd never get to Memphis without my help. You'd get torn into a million pieces!"He seemed genuinely pleased to share that news.

They desecrate Riora’s sacred temple! She will be enraged.”“Oh, gods, look at the marble. We are all beyond doomed.”“Somebody put a plant in front of it!

Laugh and the world laughs with you.Fart and you're on your own.

I have done so much medical and scientific research Crashing Life I am thinking about putting PhD behind my name or maybe B.S.

It had been six weeks since I brought my second child, my daughter, kicking and screaming into the world. Six weeks, that magic number men everywhere look forward to and women dread.

In my experience, the ex-military guys came in two types. The first grew long hair, sprouted beards, and indulged in all the things they hadn't been able do while they'd been in the armed forces. The second did their best to pretend they never got out.

Dennis faced him. They glared at each other again. Neither said a word until Dennis set the glasses down, leaned back against the counter, and folded his arms over his chest. "You're an idiot." "Seems to be a common conclusion. You're not my favourite person right now either.