Humor Quotes - Page 13

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Just because you're beautiful and perfect, it's made you conceited.

My dad looks like Clint Eastwood. His half-Scottish, half-German face in repose is handsome but terrifying. I searched the audience for him during the sixth-grade chorus concert and, seeing his stern expression, was convinced that he had seen me messing up the words to the Happy Days theme and that I was in big trouble. I spent the rest of the concert suppressing terror bumps, only to be given a big hug and a kiss afterward. It took me years to realize, Oh, that's just his face.

Boys say they don't mind how you get your hair done. But then they leave you for someone with really great standard girl hair and the next thing you know you're alone with a masculine crop crying into your granola.

Snarling an oath from an Icelandic saga, I reclaimed my place at the head of the queue. "Oy!" yelled a punk rocker, with studs in his cranium. "There's a fackin' q

I'm dealing with a lot of scary things. I think you have to react to them. And you either laugh at them or you go insane.

[On famous Nobel Laureate Niels Bohr][Niels] Bohr's sort of humor, use of parables and stories, tolerance, dependence on family, feelings of indebtedness, obligation, and guilt, and his sense of responsibility for science, community, and, ultimately, humankind in general, are common traits of the Jewish intellectual. So too is a well-fortified atheism. Bohr ended with no religious belief and a dislike of all religions that claimed to base their teachings on revelations.

The internet is just a world passing notes around a classroom.

A number of people who I’ve talked to about this assume that I got into a fight with the cops. (Because of, y'know, the militant politics.) I actually had an audience member come up to me once and ask me if I paid taxes. Of course I pay taxes! I pay taxes for exactly the same reason that I hate paying taxes — because I think my government is terrifying and stupid. I don't need the IRS kicking my door down and taking my meticulously alphabetized collection of Tijuana bibles.

Absolutely. Justice served with a side of pineapple. That's what I'm here for.

Transcendence is a word I don’t use often; I prefer transformation. Why? Because the essential game is about using what is in front of you and in you exactly as it is, but finding a way to do something with that that is surprising and an expression of inspiration and intuition. You engage reality and make something out of it that only you can, alchemizing limitation, conflict or what appears to be bad into something else.

Mary had a little lamb, its fleece electrostatic / And everywhere Mary went, the lights became erratic.

I have graduated to the extent of not asking what is happening in my life because I trust the maker(God).

Someone has opened the flood gates of stupidity...

Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speak by something outside himself-like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks.

Awful things, children. Needy, self-centered tyrants, the boys all teeth and firsts, the girls all claws and spit. Gathering into sniveling packs and sniffing out vulnerabilities — and woe to the child not cunning enough to hide their own — the others would close in like the grubby shark they were. Great pastime, savaging someone.

Does it help if we're so strong-willed, stubborn, ambitious, and selfish that we always overcome everything in our way no matter what?" asked Wang-mu."I think those are the pertinent virtues, yes," said Peter."Then let's do it. That's us in spades.

You can make heaven out of hell, or hell out of heaven. The choice is yours.

You're not a book person. And now you're not an internet person? What does that leave you?

I turned on Fox News and jumped when I saw that they had one of those things in their studio. "Are you people crazy?" I screamed at the television. "Get out of there. Somebody shoot it!" Then I realized I was watching Special Report and had mistaken Charles Krauthammer for a zombie.

Preparing to go to school was like getting ready for extended deep sea diving.

Though people sort of need your permission to talk to you, they do not really need one to talk about you.

A totally befuddled voter may look at a Vote for McGovern sign and do just that.

Just for the record, I have come to fear all of your ideas in advance, simply from having endured enough of them.

You can't fight hatred with hatred and expect anyone to listen to you. You can only try to lessen it with humor, wit, truth and commonsense. If that doesn't work run like hell, while they throw rocks at you.

Old age is not just for grown up's

The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.

Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.

When a child reaches puberty, parents become so curious about their sex lives and whereabouts, put them behind bars to their own detriment. When such a child breaks free, don't be surprised to see him/her in porn movies.

I lacked the knowledge of linear perspective needed to get into the art school, so now I whitewash walls and imagine I’m heaven’s landscape painter.

NO PDA,school rules. And besides she's my partner dickhead." said Alex.

Been there, done that. I’m sure I’ve got a T-shirt somewhere to prove it.

The last thing I ever wanted was to be alive when the three most powerful people on the whole planet would be named Bush, Dick and Colon.

We have truth in order not to die of art.

The Law of Chaos: Any activity or event that seems to lie beyond the boundaries of possibility will usually be the first thing to occur.

Those who say that I am being punished are saying that god can't think of anything more vengeful than cancer for a heavy smoker.

I do not think, Prospero,' he said, 'that one should attribute a very high degree of reality to your house.

The saddest realization I’ve had in my life is that my parents are people. Sad, human people. I aged a decade in that moment.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

As if I'd had time to drug it in the two milliseconds she'd let me out of her sight.

Pearls are congealed oyster spit.

Jin looked both ways for the Quicksilver Dragon before crossing the canal.

All this fuss about sleeping together. For physical pleasure I'd sooner go to my dentist any day.

Halved. That was every time. My laughter was for idiots, for their unjustifiable idiocy and for myself for an unrelenting conviction to them, for that unforgivable instance I leveled myself to them. At that awkward realization knowing I precisely was an idiot too, that was the time when I really began to laugh.

I look at these people and can't quite believe that they exist. Are they professional actors? I wonder. Or are they simply laymen who want a lot of attention? To put them in perspective, I think of being on an airplane. The flight attendant comes down the aisle with her food cart and, eventually, parks it beside my seat. "Can I interest you in the chicken?" she asks. "Or would you prefer the platter of shit with bits of broken glass in it? To be undecided in this election is to pause for a moment and then ask how the chicken is cooked.

The president has kept all the promises he intended to keep.

Everyone is a little crazy. The only difference between us and them is that they hide it better.

Is he about to kiss me? Did he eat garlic too or was I the only one? 'Cause if Ric didn't eat garlic then my breath's gonna stink and he'll think... Oh for fuck sake, shut up internal dialogue!

I’d like to THANK the genius who saw a bunch of cherries and thought....HEY!! If I dry out a bunch of those berry seeds, call them “BEANS”, smash them and add hot water, it will be AWESOME!!!!

There is always space in my life for a unicorn.(i.e. fantasy)

I have great faith in fools - self-confidence my friends will call it.

For a moment, or a second, the pinched expressions of the cynical, world-weary, throat-cutting, miserable bastards we've all had to become disappears, when we're confronted with something as simple as a plate of food.

Because you wear a uniform, a smelly uniform...and so you think you can be rude to me.

I would offer congratulations were it not for this tentacle gripping my leg.

Being married or being in a close relationship is not based on how quickly you can get offended but on how you are ready to drop the offences, get over it and move ahead.

I'm living in a world of goldfish.

He seemed only ... annoyed. Annoyed, and sweaty, and hot. "Yeah, well," he said, "the next time you decide to sneak out of our magically warded apartment through a door that shouldn't really exist, leave a note.

There are two ways to learn life's lessons, the easy way and the hard way. I seem to prefer the hard way.

…a writer, like most artists, needs a partner who can act as the fuel to his artistic mind and soul, yet has the great ability to sober him up and help him be in sync with the non-artistic part of his soul.

But, why? You punished me, okay? You've forbidden me to," I shudder, "cum when you know my little body can only take so much of holding it in. I have a nine-inch dick, Randy. That stuff needs to come out.