Humor Quotes - Page 109

Once upon a time,there was a Zen signat every small railway crossing in AmericaStop. Look. And listen.

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

Oh well... I'd just been thinking, if you had died, you'd have been welcome to share my toilet.

If you don't smell good, then you don't look good.

Susie: Hi Calvin! Aren't you excited about going to school? Look at all these great school supplies I got! I love having new notebooks and stuff!Calvin:All I've got to say is they're not making me learn any foreign languages. If English is good enough for me, then by golly, it's good enough for the rest of the world! Everyone should just speak English or shut up, that's what I say!Susie: You should maybe check the chemical content of your breakfast cereal.

Oh, traccy traccy ply ply bracket doints and divs

Since when did psychiatry become one big, fat Myspace survey?

She needs you, Dad," Julia says. "She has unfinished business in this world.""What is the matter with you?" Charlie asks his daughter. "Any sane person would have told me to go to the doctor. I'm seeing a headless apparition every day. Maybe my medications are conflicting. You should see the list of side effects on this stuff.

Most bullies are the product of a stressful and often abusive home life. Next time a bully threatens or attacks you, just yell, 'Don't abuse me like your parents abuse you!' Then call children's services and tell them you saw this bully crying in the bathroom and you're worried about him. Bam! He just got moved to a foster home.

Before you go,mate,turn on the telly. Something raunchy too. Think I'll rub off one before I go to sleep

What do you do when your words aren't enough? What do you do when your actions have no effect? What do you do when all the fibers of your existence scream just to be heard? And yet, only the most deafening silence returns the echoes of your screams. Is there something beyond words and action?

Lady Ponsonby was right. The forbidden fruit isn't shaped like an apple. It's shaped like a banana.

The pleasant fact is that the British are not much good at violent crime except in fiction, which is of course as it should be.

The best thing to learn from any government is that it does not get affacted by what other people talk or think about it.

For Liza, a greeting is an opportunity to make new friends. For me, it's yet more people I'll have to avoid.

There is nothing morally wrong with buying stolen goods, unless you know that they were stolen.

I am still not used to being the possessor of such a grand title. I believe I shall have to start wearing a purple satin turban and carrying a lorgnette.

Comedy to me has always seemed a social tightrope for the comedian. For all axioms intellectually sound the general public would prefer to be amused, but in those emotionally sound, it then chooses to get offended.

Chastity always takes its toll. In some it produces pimples; in others, sex laws.

All due respect to the Resurrection, but two-becoming-one might be the greatest miracle ever.

Some women are built by the fire. Yet, there are some that are the FIRE!

You don't have to position yourself in front of people to be used by God. You don't have to convince anyone that you are good enough for the voice of God, just be grateful that God chooses who He wills and once He is ready to use you, no devil in hell can stop Him.

Never practice magic when you're drunk.

A library is like an island in the middle of a vast sea of ignorance, particularly if the library is very tall and the surrounding area has been flooded.

We did the usual beauty, grace, anti-dirt spell, voice of a songbird, the works…it is never that kind of beauty that we gift. It is a spell. You are the most beautiful woman in the world to your true love. To everyone else, well… that’s up to nature. But, you are decently pretty. I don’t know why you are complaining.

I am no coward sir! I shall stand and fight!""Well, I am," said Sal. "So can we go... please?

What can I say? I prefer to die well informed.

That's the spirit! Make it chicken broth or nothing. That's putting the old foot down. If she's determined to have a nervous breakdown, the least we can do is see that she doesn't have it in peace.

While my body might say, "I'm small and vulnerable," my hair warns, "DON'T MESS WITH ME.

See?” I’d whispered to Bones, nudging him with a grin. “He never argues with her. Isn’t that sweet?”A snort preceded his response. “Keep dreaming, pet.

I don’t mind if you don’t like my manners. They’re pretty bad. I grieve over them during the long winter evenings.

Who knows, my friend? Maybe the sword does have some magic. Personally, I think it's the warrior who wields it.

For me, the best thing about Cyberpunk is that it taught me how to enjoy shopping malls, which used to terrify me. Now I just imagine the whole thing is two miles below the moon’s surface, and that half the people’s right-brains have been eaten by roboticized steel rats. And suddenly it’s interesting again.

To achieve great things, two things are needed: a plan and not quite enough time.

On the sixth day god created man,on the seventh day man created god.Now we are even.

Good luck is just bad luck with its hair combed.

It only takes 20 years for a liberal to become a conservative without changing a single idea.

Have you ever noticed that idiots have a lot of friends? It's just an observation.

Reading good books ruins you for enjoying bad books.

Stop stalling and spill the beans. What’s up?” Alexi tossed down her fork and leaned in close so no one else could possibly hear. “What’s not up? We’re like rabbits on Viagra.

Treat life as a suicide mission, take on the impossible jobs and attack with the gusto of someone who has nothing to lose.... and when you revel in victory, make like it's a dirty win

Sorry. I get attacks of quotitis every once in a while. It's a very rare disease with no cure. It usually attacks older people, and here i am afflicted with it at my tender age.

His joy was a release of Paul's conversion, not the heavy backslapping practical-joking humor of the Victorians, nor the cynical satire or the flippancy of the twenty first century mass media, just the gift of not taking himself or his adversaries too seriously.

The simple act of sitting here sipping this cappuccino is its own testament to my commitment to living the writer’s life. Which is to say: doing nothing but doing it exceedingly well.

I was also built from delusional optimism and folly.

They say sarcasm is the lowest form of wit," Valkyrie said. China glanced at her. "They've obviously never met me.

At this point in my life, beaming confidence is largely a matter of mind over bladder control

Unless it is you, finding out who your lover’s dream lover is is a nightmare.

The second rule of improvisation is not only to say yes, but YES, AND. You are supposed to agree and then _add something of your own._ If I start a scene with 'I can't believe it's so hot in here,' and you just say, 'Yeah...' we're kind of at a stand-still. But if I say, 'I can't believe it's so hot in here,' and you say, 'What did you expect? We're in hell.' Or if I say, 'I can't believe it's so hot in here,' and you say, 'Yes, this can't be good for the wax figures.' Or if I say, 'I can't believe it's so hot in here,' and you say, 'I told you we shouldn't have crawled into this dog's mouth,' now we're getting somewhere.

It wasn't until I was an adult that I realized you could buy a packet of cereal with a free gift and then just stick your hand in and root around in the packet until you found the free thing. It seems a much simpler way. But that took me about fifteen years to work out.

I wear my past around my shoulders as a fine, but worn, cloak. Don't be fooled by my cloak's appearance, I have a three piece underneath.

Always think in circles to get your ideas around

You cannot function in an unction you don't take action on.

A hint: perhaps in this case, you should refrain from throwing the book at the audience when you finish.

Mr. Edwards admired the well-built, pleasant house and heartily enjoyed the good dinner. But he said he was going on West with the train when it pulled out. Pa could not persuade him to stay longer."I'm aiming to go far West in the spring," he said. "This here, country, it's too settled up for me. The politicians are a-swarming in already, and ma'am if'n there's any worse pest than grasshoppers it surely is politicians. Why, they'll tax the lining out'n a man's pockets to keep up these here county-seat towns...""Feller come along and taxed me last summer. Told me I got to put in every last thing I had. So I put in Tom and Jerry, my horses, at fifty dollars apiece, and my oxen yoke, Buck and Bright, I put in at fifty, and my cow at thirty five.'Is that all you got?' he says. Well I told him I'd put in five children I reckoned was worth a dollar apiece.'Is that all?' he says. 'How about your wife?' he says.'By Mighty!' I says to him. 'She says I don't own her and I don't aim to pay no taxes on her,' I says. And I didn't.

He wasn't aware of it but when he smiled he looked like an amiable bear. When he didn't smile he didn't look amiable

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

Comedy is a necessity to get through life with the fewest scars. Humor is the best antidote to help relieve all struggles.

Miss Grantham's sense of humour got the better of her at this point, and, tottering towards a chair, she sank into it, exclaiming in tragic accents:'Oh Heavens! I am betrayed!' His lordship blenched; both he and Miss Laxton regarded her with guilty dismay. Miss Grantham buried her face in her handkerchief, and uttered one shattering word: 'Wretch!

I’ll make Goyle do lines, it’ll kill him, he hates writing,” said Ron happily. He lowered his voice to Goyle’s low grunt and, screwing up his face in a look of pained concentration, mimed writing in midair. “I... must... not... look... like... a... baboon’s... backside.