Humor Quotes - Page 101

You can’t has,' he whispered softly, 'not yours.

Housework can kill you if done right.

During the act of making something, I experience a kind of blissful absence of the self and a loss of time. When I am done, I return to both feeling as restored as if I had been on a trip. I almost never get this feeling any other way. I once spent sixteen hours making 150 wedding invitations by hand and was not for one instance of that time tempted to eat or look at my watch. By contrast, if seated at the computer, I check my email conservatively 30,000 times a day. When I am writing, I must have a snack, call a friend, or abuse myself every ten minutes. I used to think that this was nothing more than the difference between those things we do for love and those we do for money. But that can't be the whole story. I didn't always write for a living, and even back when it was my most fondly held dream to one day be able to do so, writing was always difficult. Writing is like pulling teeth. From my dick.

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.

You sure about this writer thing son?

A week after my drugs ran out, I left my bed to perform at the college, deciding at the last minute to skip both the doughnut toss and the march of the headless plush toys. Instead, I just heated up a skillet of plastic soldiers, poured a milkshake over my head and called it a night.

He knew she loved him in that moment. Gabe never wanted to be part of the holy fight, but now he was, he was not about to lose.

What have you done?” Shadow asked her, his eyes alive with fear.“I dunno, but I wish I hadn't.

She looked like a character from a video game. One of those improbably busty, impossibly well-armed superchicks who could do acrobatics and hit the kill zone even while firing guns from both hands during a cartwheel. "You look fucking ridiculous," she told herself.

I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.

My mother made a squeaking sound that might of been either "yes" or "help".Poseidon took it as a yes and came in.Paul was looking back and forth between us, trying to read our expressions.Finally he stepped forward."Hi, I'm Paul Blofis."Poseidon raised an eyebrow and then shook his hand."Blowfish, did you say?""Ah, no. Blofis, actually.""Oh, I see," Poseidon said. "A shame. I quite like blowfish. I am Poseidon.""Poseidon? That's an interesting name.""Yes, I like it. I've gone by other names, but I do prefer Poseidon.""Like the god of the sea.""Very much like that, yes""Well!" My mother interrupted. "Um, were so glad you could drop by. Paul, this is Percy's father.""Ah." Paul nodded, though he didn't look real pleased. "I see."Poseidon smiled at me. "There you are, my boy. And Tyson, hello, son!""Daddy!" Tyson [shouted]...Paul's jaw dropped. He stared at my mother. "Tyson is...""Not mine," she promised. "It's a long story.

The infinite possibilities that exist in any given moment cause infinite possibilities in response. The wording is correct here; the possibilities exist already, and have already caused the existing possibilities of response.

Homo sapiens is one of the few species on earth that care if they’re seen having sex. The impala is unconcerned. The dingo roundly flaunts it. A masturbating chimpanzee will stare straight at you. To any creature other than you and I and 6 billion other privacy-needing H. sapiens, sex is like peeling a mango or scratching your ear. It’s just something you do sometimes.

It's like pretending to be Santa and then stabbing someone with a candy cane!

Oftentimes, people meet our writing before they meet us; our writing is our first impression.People read our résumés, cover letters, proposals, and emails, and that's the basis on which we are judged first. If our writing is full of grammar and punctuation errors, even though the content may be great, it’s like wearing a beautifully made Prada dress that has deodorant stains

I understand the gist of your speculation,' said Rhialto. 'It is most likely nuncupatory.

Baby girl, five minutes alone with me and you're gonna be begging me to taste your pie.

You are all a lost generation," Gertrude Stein said to Hemingway. We weren't lost. We knew where we were, all right, but we wouldn't go home. Ours was the generation that stayed up all night.

I… I can’t. I wish I were a little bolder.”“What for?” the Hatter asked. “Being a small rock wouldn’t be much fun.

She was satisfied with the answer God had given Moses from the burning bush when Moses had seen fit to question. Who are you? Mose asks, and God comes back from that bush just as pert as you like: I Am, Who I AM. In other words, Mose, stop beatin around this here bush and get your old ass in gear.

Derisively, Ronan said, 'No. The ancient Greeks didn't have a word for Blue.'Everyone at the table looked at him.'What the hell, Ronan?' said Adam.'It's hard to imagine," Gansey mused, 'how this evidently successful classical education never seems to make it into your school papers.''They never ask the right questions,' Ronan replied.

I have been quiet today because fear in my heart has been fighting with frustration in my brain, leaving little energy for my mouth.

Do you know where your breakthrough begins? Your breakthrough begins where your excuses ends.

YOU are the big drop of dew under the lotus leaf, I am the smaller one on its upper side,'said the dewdrop to the lake.

Some people’s self-esteem was secretly improved when they discovered that their then-lovers had killed themselves over them.

I told you growing starts from the inside first, honey, and in that way, you've been growing like wildfire.

I was banished,” said Reven proudly.“What for?” Elfwyn pressed.“The king said I was anathema.”“He doesn’t like athemas?”“Anathema means, like, accursed,” said Jinx. “Probably it was for robbing people.

How do you tell the psychiatrists from the patients in the hospital?The patients get better and leave.

Credit Repair Companies feed off your frustrations, and your funds!!! - The Credit Repair Book: The Credit Repair Company's Secret Weapon.

A cat is friendly in a hollow sort of way, like the way a prostitute is friendly.

The Amulet of Samarkand. It was Simon Lovelace's. Now it is yours. Soon it will be Simon Lovelace's again. Take it and enjoy the consequences.

Life is and will ever remain an equation incapable of solution, but it contains certain known factors.

They-" He stopped and just blinked at me for a minute. "You know, people are always saying that you're cuckoo. Looney Tunes. Off the freaking edge. But I tell 'em, no, she's okay. She's got some...anger management issues. But you know what? They're right. You're nuts.

It’s misleading or deceptive in a way that such skills are learned like any other — simple practice, sincere investment over time. Yes, like small steps, one at a time, to cross the bridge. Just a single step today.

Life has a whimsical way of kicking you in the throat. I find it tobe one huge cosmic joke at our expense, only nobody is laughingbut the forces that be—given that they are even a wee bit human.

Turns out, most girls would rather put on lip gloss than play with sand toads.

God didn't make Eve from Adam's rib. He took out half of Adam's brain by accident.

Alec?" Magnus was staring at him. He had dispatched the remaining Iblis demons, and the square was empty but for the two of them. "Did you just- did you just save my life?" Alec knew he ought to say something like, Of course, because I'm a Shadowhunter and that's what we do, or That's my job. Jace would have said something like that. Jace always knew the right thing to say. But the words that actually came out of Alec's mouth where quite different- and sounded petulant, even to his own ears. "You never called me back," he said. "I called you so many times and you never called me back." Magnus looked at Alec as if he'd lost his mind. "Your city is under attack," he said. "The wards have broken, and the streets are full of demons. And you want to know why I haven't called you?

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

You could say that Facebook is doing a far more effective job than religion at teaching us to 'love thy neighbor,' connecting us with random strangers and 'friends' from distant lands.

Georgie, stop trying to resurrect the shoes. They were never alive in the first place.

What's the use of a great city having temptations if fellows don't yield to them?

Vampires have credit cards?""We're undead, not Amish.

Always stay one step a head, unless you’re already there

It is a second-generation Seattle-scene record label; all of its artists are young people who came to Seattle after they graduated college in search of the legendary Seattle music scene and discovered that it didn't really exist--it was just a couple of dozen guys who sat around playing guitar in one another's basements--and so who were basically forced to choose between going home in ignominy or fabricating the Seattle Music scene of their imagination from whole cloth. This led to the establishment of any number of small clubs, and the foundation of many bands, that were not rooted in any kind of authentic reality whatsoever but merely reflected the dreams and aspiration of pan-global young adults who had flocked to Seattle on the same chimera hunt.

Just relax and breathe through your ass.

P.S. Please don't call me Isabella. That name belongs to a really pretty girl who never wrecks her clothes and who never gets dirt under her fingernails. That's definitely not me. My name is Izzy.

Into the face of the young man who sat on the terrace of the Hotel Magnifique at Cannes there had crept a look of furtive shame, the shifty hangdog look which announces that an Englishman is about to speak French.

Everything around us is made up of matter so small, its mass cannot be written down. You're either an atom, or a cell. These things are super small, but they join and function together to create something powerful. It reminds me of love; its always the small things that are done that makes a person feel like they're made of something.

When you’re in love with two people, always choose the second. The fact that you are constantly thinking of the second person makes it obvious that the first will never fulfill you, unless the second person did not fulfill you either. At this point, you have to choose the third person because God is getting a little tired of your inattention and indecisiveness, and is planning on sending a fourth person into your life just to slap you around with the bible for not entering the promised land.

Well then," Roen said briskly, "are you sleeping?""Yes.""Come now. A mother can tell when her son lies. Are you eating?""No," Brigan said gravely. "I've not eaten in two months. It's a hunger strike to protest the spring flooding in the south.""Gracious," Roen said, reaching for the fruit bowl. "Have an apple, dear.

One becomes sated with platitudes no less than honey, so that one often breaks another's bones in one's vexation.

All right," Clara said. "We have our swordsman, so let's get moving. Brigan, could you attempt, at least, to make yourself presentable? I know this is a war, but the rest of us are trying to pretend it's a party.

Comedy Born :) When Tragedy Happens :(

Somewhere, excitement waited for me like an uncut cake.

In those moments it's hard to remember that an angry voice is an invisible thing incapable of drawing blood.

It always pisses me off when I’m calling in to some Morning Zoo radio show to promote God-only-knows what—probably this book, so get ready, I’m comin’—when the DJ actually tries to convince me that there are as many female comics as male ones. Cue hypermasculine Morning Zoo Hacky McGee voice: “So Kath, I don’t know what you chicks are always complaining about.” To which I respond: “Really? Why don’t you call your local comedy club and ask for the Saturday night lineup? I guarantee you the male to female ratio is going to be about nine to one. You dick-wad.

Rod Cockshutt, Professor Emeritus at N.C. State University called my book, Evidence of Insanity, "an extraordinary achievement" and told me to not change the last 10-15 pages no matter what.

It must be horny douchebag day,” she mumbled under her breath as she slid the bag’s strap up on her shoulder.

Crazy people who are judged to be harmless are allowed an enormous amount of freedom ordinary people are denied