Funny Quotes - Page 72

I never said nothing...""I know you never! I could hear you not saying anything! You've got the loudest silences I ever did hear from anyone who wasn't dead!

More people would be depressed, if parents tried to please their children as frequently and as badly as children try to please their parents.

His accelerated path to yogihood hit a dead end when his kundalini exploded in a crowded department store. No one else was injured, but Swami caught an inflection which left him with a permanent East Indian accent.

The intercom buzzes while you're changing your shirt. You push the Talk button: "Who is it?" "Narcotics squad. We're soliciting donations for children all over the world who have no drugs.

If typos are God's way of keeping a writer humble, plot holes certainly keeps one on their knees.

She'd read ton of books with female heroines who swooned at the sight of their true love and had thought them to be incredibly wimpy. Now here she stood, barely able to keep herself upright. Not that she was in love...far from it. But a girl could appreciate a bona fide hottie when she saw one, right?

Arjuro made a scoffing sound. ‘You think Lumatere will invade because of you? Are you that important?’Froi looked away. ‘Isaboe would invade if you kidnapped a servant, let alone a friend.’‘Isaboe? We’re on first-name terms with the Queen of Lumatere, are we?’ Gargarin asked.Froi found himself bristling. ‘What? Do you think I’m some cutthroat for hire who they found hanging around the palace walls with the words “I wantto kill a Charynite King” tattooed on my arse?

It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.

You can't just call the Praetor. It's not like 1-800-WEREWOLF.

Idiots are of two kinds: those who try to be smart and those who think they are smart.

Nice guys finish last but bad guys don't finish at all.

We love being mentally strong, but we hate situations that allow us to put our mental strength to good use.

I get a kick out of cursing people for life on Sundays.

Dogs have their day but cats have 365.

Before you eat the elephant, make sure you know what parts you want to eat.

No one knew how old she was, but she vaguely remembered waving to President Coolidge. She still had all of her marbles, though every one of them was a bit odd and rolled asymmetrically.

I had a dream about you last night.. You were balancing ten tiny footballs on your nose while dancing with a turquoise unicorn.

[The cats] scamper in front of my legs, causing me to fall and face plant into whatever furniture is closest. They especially like to play this game when I’m carrying piping hot coffee.

The greatest violence, and the greatest threat to humanity, is the growth of MONEY.

The pigs can't stop the fox; I'm too quick,' Takumi said to himself. "I can rhyme while I run; I'm that slick.

I do not believe in any religion, I will have nothing to do with immortality. We are miserable enough in this life without speculating upon another.

How can it not exist? What does that—” A tiny grey body shot in front of the Land Rover. “Squirrel!”Mad Rogan swerved to the side, trying to avoid the suicidal beast. The SUV hit a curb and jumped. For a terrifying second, we almost flew, weightless. My heart leaped into my throat. The heavy vehicle landed back on the pavement with a thud. The squirrel leapt into the grass on the other side.I remembered to breathe. “Thank you for not killing the squirrel.”“You’re welcome, although now I want to go back and strangle it.

#Twitter: proudly promoting ghastly grammar and silly misspelling since 2006.

He giggled like a puppy being tickled by a kitten wearing a duckling costume.

... even one centimetre can make an awful lot of difference when you don't have many to spare.

Wherefore the present age is given up as a reproach to the heathen, and for what cause the people whom thou hast loved is given over unto ungodly nations?!

I mean really, how could an artistic individual stay grounded in the nitty-gritty of how many minutes per pound meat has to stay in the oven when trying to fathom the creative philosophy behind the greatest artistic minds of the world?

I angle my head down and peer up at him through my lashes in what I hope is an alluring manner. I have zero experience in this area though, so it’s possible I look like a total moron.

Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.

Some people drip wax on themselves like a human chianti bottle to see if they feel anything….but getting a wicker basket to fit them is a fiasco

Every Friday is black where I work.

He’d spent so much time in the penalty box for fighting last season, he’d been tempted to hang a picture and maybe set up a lava lamp, it had felt so much like home

Congress should make it so that all sex scenes in all films should be provided with a screaming baby sound track. That should help take away all the fun and may show a major decrease in unwanted pregnancies without having to provide birth control to anyone.

Go thy way to a woman with child, and ask of her when she had fulfilled her nine months, if her womb may keep the birth any longer within her.

Some people wouldn’t still be sane, if they were not religious or superstitious; some wouldn’t be disabled or dead.

When I die, I want them to bury me facedown and ass up so that the whole world can kiss my ass!

Love has a way of making the sane insane and the insane normal.

There is no greater crime than a crime against humanity. There is no greater crime against humanity than usury. The greatest violence, and the greatest threat to humanity, is the growth of MONEY.

Try to think like a human,’ said Gant, lolling in one of the club chairs.‘Why should I restrict myself so severely?

I think one of the problems in this country is that too many people are screwing things up, committing crimes and then getting on with their lives. What is really needed for public officials who shame themselves is ritual suicide.

Day had gotten a little nervous during one session when the doctor asked God how he would handle someone hurting Day now and his lover responded by jerking one side of his leather coat open and pulling his long blade from its sheathe. “Easy, I’d cut their fucking arm off and beat the shit out of them with it,” he’d said. But Day quickly started laughing and told the concerned doctor that his partner was just playing. After popping God hard in his stomach, God agreed and said he was indeed joking. When the doctor went back to writing on her legal pad, God mouthed to him, “No I’m not.

Isabelle snorted. "All the boys are gay. In this truck, anyway. Well, not you , Simon.""You noticed." said Simon."I think of myself as a freewheeling bisexual," added Magnus."Please never say those words in front of my parents," said Alec. "Especially my father.

I'll drive like my grandma. I'll drive like your grandma.""You wouldn't say that if you knew my gramma.

I'm going to take a shower," I said and prepared for the comment I knew was coming. "You know what they say, conserve water and shower with a friend.

What bug crawled up your ass?" I demanded."If you mean, why I am upset? I should think that would be obvious!"It took me a second, but I got it. "Oh, come on. You're not still pissed about–you did the same damn thing to me!"He had the utter gall to look offended. "I did nothing of the sort–"I stared at him. "And just how do you figure that? You stripped me butt naked, diddled me over a desk and stole my duffel bag. And my clothes!"Somebody made a choking sound. I glanced up to find the door to the study open, and the old vamp looking scandalized. "Diddled?" Anthony asked, apparently delighted. Mircea closed his eyes.

She's your mother. I asked, Plus, you do look a bit like her. When you're angry, you both get these tense lines around your mouth...Look, there they are.

Mike stood in-line, waiting for the mealtime muck that passed for lunch at his school canteen. He knew he was getting close to the front now, as he tightly held his tray. Not just because he could see this as you might expect, but because he could smell Margery the school cook’s body odour. The children at the front were already holding their breath. You could see a line of pink faces close to him, to red, then purple closest to Margery. Only when they left at the end did they breathe for air and turn back to their normal colour again, like a deep sea diver after a long plunge. “Margery the Meal Murderer” was her name for most school kids.

When you're in a train and it breaks down, well, there you is. But when you're in a plane and it breaks down, there you AIN'T.

Have you ever make out time to ask God if there is anything or anybody you need to drop in your life? Are you still holding on to offences? When is the right time to drop it?I am sure once you make this attempt He will show you.I declare that God is going to set some captives free.

Most often when I stammerThat's my brainCorrecting my grammer.

At the very leadt, we can grab Monica and hustle her skanky ass back to her dad wile you brave, strong menfolk hold off the bad guys. Right?

What are you" -Mac "I don't follow" -Jericho "You dropped 30 feet in that warehouse. You should have broken something. What are you?" -Mac "A man with a rope." -Jericho

There was a piece of ornamental water immediately below the parapet, on the other side, into which Mr. James Harthouse had a very strong inclination to pitch Mr. Thomas Gradgrind Junior.

The big knight fell heavily to the ground, and lay there, as nearly dead as possible. His servants came running from the castle and took him in. He got better in the end, but nobody cared much about that.

He'd once explained that when he was a boy his very proper parents had forbidden him and his brothers to curse in the house so 'feather buckets' was the young boys coded way of saying 'f*ck it

Just so you know, I get incredibly bored quite easily and you will be forced to be my source of entertainment. You'll kind of be like my own personal jester."I flipped him off."Well that wasn't funny at all.

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

Okay, so, flying,” I started, taking a deep breath and focusing on the thing I loved most in the world. “Flying is … great. It feels great when you’re doing it. It’s fun. Pure freedom. There’s nothing better.”Dylan smiled, a slow, easy smile that seemed to light up his whole face.“So the first thing we’re going to do,” I told him, “is push you off the roof.

You shut your door to these poor women," he said so they could hear him, "and you'll answer for it the rest of your lives. You won't sleep. You'll choke on drinks. The food you eat'll block up your bowels and you'll die of your own shit.

Penny for your thoughts,' asked Gwen.'Cheapskate,' said Ianto. 'Never heard of inflation? Thoughts are a bit pricier than that these days.''OK,' said Gwen. 'A pint down the local tomorrow for your thoughts.'Ianto smiled. 'That's more like it.