Funny Quotes - Page 42

Well, well, well,” Santa said once the elf had retreated. “Come and sit on my lap, little boy.”This Santa’s beard was real, and so was his hair. He wasn’t fucking around.“I’m not really a little boy,” I pointed out.“Get on my lap, then, big boy.”I walked up to him. There wasn’t much lap under his belly. And even though he tried to disguise it, as I went up there, I swear he adjustedhis crotch.“Ho ho ho!” he chortled.I sat gingerly on his knee, like it was a subway seat with gum on it.“Have you been a good little boy this year?” he asked.I didn’t feel that I was the right person to determine my own goodness or badness, but in the interest of speeding along this encounter, I said yes.He actually wobbled with joy.“Good! Good! Then what can I bring you this Christmas?”I thought it was obvious.“A message from Lily,” I said. “That’s what I want for Christmas. But I want it right now.”“So impatient!” Santa lowered his voice and whispered in my ear. “But Santa does have a little something for you”—he shifted a little inhis seat—“right under his coat. If you want to have your present, you’ll have to rub Santa’s belly.”“What?” I asked.He gestured with his eyes down to his stomach. “Go ahead.”I looked closely and saw the faint outline of an envelope beneath his red velvet coat.“You know you want it,” he whispered.The only way I could survive this was to think of it as the dare it was.Fuck off, Lily. You can’t intimidate me.I reached right under Santa’s coat. To my horror, I found he wasn’t wearing anything underneath. It was hot, sweaty, Geshy, hairy … andhis belly was this massive obstacle, blocking me from the envelope. I had to lean over to angle my arm in order to reach it, the whole timehaving Santa laugh, “Oh ho ho, ho ho oh ho!” in my ear. I heard the elf scream, “What the hell!” and various parents start to shriek. Yes, I was feeling up Santa. And now the corner of the envelope was in my hand. He tried to jiggle it away from me, but I held tight and yanked itout, pulling some of his white belly hair with me. “OW ho ho!” he cried. I jumped o1 his lap. “Security’s here!” the elf proclaimed.The letter was in my hand, damp but intact.“He touched Santa!” a young child squealed.

Jake eyed his brother. "I never forget. All data is stored in my memory banks. And one day, candy pig, you will pay.""You 're such a geek.""Thesbo.""That's Jack's latest insult."Seth gestured with his wine-glass. "A play on thespian, since Kev's into that.""Rhymes with lesbo," Jake explained helpfully while Anna stifled a groan. "It's a slick way of calling him a girl.

Once a Buddha, always a Buddha, Sam. Dust off some of your old parables. You have about fifteen minutes.' Sam held out his hand. "Give me some tobacco and a paper.

Unless it is you, finding out who your lover’s dream lover is is a nightmare.

I circle around them, my sword pointed in their direction. "Hermes Trismegistus. Ostanes the Persian. Olympiodorous of Thebes---" I stop, feeling like an idiot. These necromancers and the ridiculous names they give themselves. They're always trying to outdo one another. "You five," I said instead. "By the authority of King Malcolm of Anglia, I am commanded to arrest you for the crime of witchcraft.

He wasn't aware of it but when he smiled he looked like an amiable bear. When he didn't smile he didn't look amiable

Grover: It’s a very sweet love story. I get misty-eyed every time I play it. So does Percy, but I think that’s because he’s laughing at me.

Never miss a party...good for the nerves--like celery.

...which, of course, is how I developed my love for both Kabuki theater and marshmallow Peeps.

There is no real bravery in getting paid to save someone's life. However, there is a large amount of bravery in a nurse break dancing at the hospital's Christmas party.

Do you think ladies’ eyebrows can communicate as well?” she asked.“No, they don’t have sufficient thicketry,” he said with authority.“Thicketry?”“Yes, that is the official term.

Maybe you could be mine / or maybe we’ll be entwined / aimless in this sexless foreplay.

I never lie. I believe everything I say, so it's not a lie.

O Lord that bear rule, even we all are full of impiety. And for our sakes peradventure it is that the floors of the righteous are not filled, because of the sins of them that dwell upon the earth.

She whistled when she noticed my back. I assume because of my injuries. I mean, my ass just isn't that spectacular.

Without setbacks there'd be no comebacks, and everyone loves a come.

You're impossible," she told him. "Of course I am," he answered. "It's part of my charm.

But marriage is forever.''Oh, not really,' he assured her. 'Only until one of us dies.'Her eyes widened. 'I do not want you to die,' she said.'Perhaps you will go first,' he said, though I rather think I hope not. I would probably have grown accustomed to you by then and would miss you.

Thanks to photography, some memories overstay their welcome.

Occasionally, a dog will be presented as some training method for having a baby. "My girlfriend and I got a dog. We are going to see if we can handle that before we have kids." This is a little like testing the waters of being a vegetarian by having lettuce on your burger. Okay, maybe that metaphor doesn't make sense, but neither does using a dog as a training method for having a baby.

I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.

There, at her console, he dialed 594: pleased acknowledgement of husband's superior wisdom in all matters

When in doubt, know your way out, I always say.""I thought you always said, 'When in doubt, blame the dark elves.'""Well, yeah, that too.""I don't think those are very practical solutions to doubt," Oberon said. "They don't leave you feeling satisfied. 'When in doubt, eat your neighbor's lunch' is better, because then you would at least be full.

I'm out of the room in the next instant, like a man wanting breath, after suffocating through the horror of a burrito eating obese man's fart." - Emily Dolt

We already have the Wooden Pillar, the Steel Pillar and the Plastic Pillar. In a moment we will have the Golden Bail....'No, you won't.'We will,' stated the robot simply.No, you won't. It makes my ship work.'In a moment,' repeated the robot patiently, 'we will have the Golden Bail....'You will not,' said Zaphod.And then we must go,' said the robot, in all seriousness, 'to a party.'Oh,' said Zaphod, startled, 'can I come?'No,' said the robot, 'we are going to shoot you.'Oh, yeah?' said Zaphod, waggling his gun.Yes,' said the robot, and they shot him.Zaphod was so surprised that they had to shoot him again before he fell down. (85-86)

Sometimes what not to do is more important than what to do. Sometimes when you are in crisis, when frustration are high or when you are under pressure, what you don't do is more important than what you do. Don't be afraid. ....

He’d done it like he did everything else—with passion and total disregard for how much it might embarrass her.

I lost myself immediately in one of the books, only emerging when the phone rang.“Dashiell?” my father intoned. As if someone else with my voice might be answering the phone at my mother’s apartment.“Yes, Father?”“Leeza and I would like to wish you a merry Christmas.”“Thank you, Father. And to you, as well.”[awkward pause][even more awkward pause]“I hope your mother isn’t giving you any trouble.”Oh, Father, I love it when you play this game.“She told me if I clean all the ashes out of the grate, then I’ll be able to help my sisters get ready for the ball.”“It’s Christmas, Dashiell. Can’t you give that attitude a rest?”“Merry Christmas, Dad. And thanks for the presents.”“What presents?”“I’m sorry—those were all from Mom, weren’t they?”“Dashiell …”“I gotta go. The gingerbread men are on

Mom, how come you never go outside?""I told you, I'm a vampire.

Look under your bed and you will know the greatest thief in your room.

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck chlamydia?

The real mystery isn't what's under the redaction mark, but what's above it.

There is a throne up there and someone is sitting on it. It is not you, the economy or your government. My God is still on the throne and I shall not worry.

Assad whistled a few notes of one of his native country's melancholic songs. It sounded as though he was whistling backwards

I thought the trees down in Lady Zelana’s country were about as big as a tree could get,” he said, “but the ones around here are so tall that they probably tickle the moon’s tummy when she goes by.

You can't write an honest novel about race in this country. If you write about how people are really affected by race, it'll be too obvious. Black writers who do literary fiction in this country, all three of them, not the ten thousand who write those bullshit ghetto books with the bright covers, have two choices: they can do precious or they can do pretentious. When you do neither, nobody knows what to do with you. So if you're going to write about race, you have to make sure it's so lyrical and subtle that the reader who doesn't read between the lines won't even know it's about race. You know, a Proustian meditation, all watery and fuzzy, that at the end just leaves you feeling watery and fuzzy.""Or just find a white writer. White writers can be blunt about race and get all activist because their anger isn't threatening.

Adventure! People talked about the idea as if it were something worthwhile, rather than a mess of bad food, no sleep and strange people inexplicably trying to stick pointed objects in bits of you.

I'll be supposed upon a book, his face is the worst thing about him.

I was washing the dishes and the sneaky bastard crept up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. And kissed me. Right here.” I pointed angrily to my neck. “Can I not have him committed or something?”Dr. Pritchard snorted. “For loving you?”I drew back, shaking my head in disgust. “Dr. Pritchard,” I admonished softly. “Whose side are you on?”“Braden’s.

Embarrassing facts, those would really help our children remember their classroom lessons better.

Why is it that when you wipe up dust its called dusting but when you wipe up a spill its not called spilling? Just something to think about.

We don't shoot somebody soon, I'm gonna forget how

Ethan’s jaw dropped. Again he had underestimated her. Abruptly, he fought down a smile. “I don’t know whether to kiss you or arrest you.” She smiled up at him and again Ethan thought her lips were entirely too close to his. “You should kiss me,” she said, stunning him even more. “I guarantee it will be a lot more pleasant than arresting me...for both of us.

Whatever it is," I said, "the point is moot because as long as I'm on these pills, I can't make contact to ask."Derek ... snapped, "Then you need to stop taking the pills."Love to. If I could. But after what happened last night, they're giving me urine tests now."Ugh. That's harsh." Simon went quiet, then snapped his fingers.Hey, I've got an idea. It's kinda gross, but what if you take the pills, crush them and mix them with your, you know, urine."Derek stared at him.What?"You did pass chem last year, didn't you?"Simon flipped him the finger. "Okay, genius, what's your idea?"I'll think about it. ..."***Here," Derek whispered, pressing an empty Mason jar into my hand. He'd pulled me aside after class and we were now standing at the base of the boy's staircase. "Take this up to your room and hide it."It's a ... jar."He grunted, exasperated that I was so dense I failed to see the critical importance of hiding an empty Mason jar in my room.It's for your urine."My what?"He rolled his eyes, a growl-like sound sliding through his teeth ashe leaned down, closer to my ear. "Urine. Pee. Whatever. For the testing."I lifted the jar to eye level. "I think they'll give me somethingsmaller."...You took your meds today, right?" he whispered.I nodded.Then use this jar to save it."Save . . . ?"Your urine. If you give them some of today's tomorrow, it'll seem like you're still taking your meds."You want me to . . . dole it out? Into specimen jars?"Got a better idea?"Um, no, but ..." I lifted the jar and stared into it.Oh, for God's sake. Save your piss. Don't save your piss. It's all the same to me."Simon peeked around the corner, brows lifted. "I was going to ask what you guys were doing, but hearing that, I think I'll pass.

Raphael met Michaela's gaze. "If you could kill every single beautiful woman in the world, would you?"Her smile never faded. "In an instant.

And I sort of felt her...you know." Alan made an exaggerated shape of a heart. "You touched her heart?" Mike queried. "No! Her bum. It's sort of, you know, heart shaped. Big heart."He flexed his fingers, remembering the feel of it. "Soft.

I’m just not ready to give myself up, Sammy. I mean, there’s something perfect about virginity, and I haven’t found someone who deserves to take that perfection from me…”“You’re loco, Carlos. Insane. Totally crazy… Most guys think they’re imperfect for still being virgins past the age of seventeen.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

To some believers, being on the pill or using a condom is a nonverbal way of telling God to go to hell.

I’d like to say I’m not dressed up for anyone in particular, but that would be a lie.

In bed, I can go for hours. Oh yes, I love naps.

I feel as though whenever I create something, my Mr. Hyde wakes up in the middle of the night and starts thrashing it. I sometimes love it the next morning, but other times it is an abomination.

Close your eyes!""You can't kiss me from down there, Wylan." "Just do it!

Poetry destroyed? Genius banished? No! Mediocrity, no: do not let envy prompt you to the thought. No; they not only live, but reign, and redeem: and without their divine influence spread everywhere, you would be in hell--the hell of your own meanness.

She wasn’t the only one who was overjoyed.Deacon had launched himself at Aiden—Aiden saintly St. Delphi—nearly knocking him backward, over a fallen pure. The brothers hugged, oblivious to those fighting around them. Other than their eyes, they absolutely had nothing in common.Which was why I liked Deacon.

He balled his hand into a fist. "You are such a bitch." "Woof, woof," I said.

Wiping the rivulet of sweat running down my ear with the bottom of my muscle shirt, I snuck a sniff under my pit. Whoa. Kill a moose

Listen, I'd rather lie naked in a plowed field under an incontinent horse for a week than have to read that paragraph again!

No one is waiting for me. In this story, I’m the girl no one is waiting for. Usually the girl is fat, but my problem is more rare, which is freckles: I look like someone threw handfuls of mud at my face.

I remember the will said, 'May God thy gold refine.' That must be from the Bible.""Shakespeare," Turtle said. All quotations were either from the Bible or Shakespeare.