Funny Quotes - Page 40

Opposities are married.

I don’t have any regrets,” a famous movie actor said in an interview I recently witnessed. “I’d live everything over exactly the same way.” “That’s really pathetic,” the talk show host said. “Are you seeking help?” “Yeah. My shrink says we’re making progress. Before, I wouldn’t even admit that I would live it all over,” the actor said, starting to choke up. “I thought one life was satisfying enough.” “My God,” the host said, cupping his hand to his mouth. “The first breakthrough was when I said I would live it over, but only in my dreams. Nocturnal recurrence.” “You’re like the character in that one movie of yours. What’s it called? You know, the one where you eat yourself.”“The Silence of Sam.”“That’s it. Can you do the scene?”The actor lifts up his foot to stick it in his mouth. I reach over from my seat and help him to fit it into his bulging cheeks. The audience goes wild.

Cat, hmmm? From where I sit you look more like a Kitten."My head jerked around and I shot him an annoyed look. Oh, I was going to enjoy this, all right. "It's Cat," I repeated firmly. "Cat Raven.""Whatever you say, Kitten Tweedy.

Holy mama llama. That’s Nathanial Stone. Nathanial Stone is sitting in my booth. Nathanial Stone is in the Finewhile Diner sitting in my booth. I’m supposed to wait on Nathanial Stone. I’m going to make a fool out of myself. I just know it. I can feel it coming. Crap.

It's especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.

Oh my, you big stud, your dancing boobs have enchanted me with your hypnotic sexual magnitudeness.

Hyperbolic statements will be the death of us all

boys, girls and music . . why do they need gin?

Yeah, well. I don’t try to be awesome. It just comes natural.

He said "cool" like I say a Spanish word when I'm not sure of the pronunciation.

There are always messages, even enigmas to be searched, mysteries to be solved in all of my books. I like to puzzle readers, but I do not make so to the point of being so complex that they will lose interest in the plot. And that for me is the essence of every great literature around the world, and that’s been so for ages.(....)Some were inpired by real life characters, some other books I wrote are hybrid fiction/non-fiction, so I pretty much get inspired by people who have lived, and even who are still breathing among us… so don’t get discouraged if I didn’t mention your personality traits yet. I might even have your name over my books, I must some day…

Women will buy products in an attempt to become the impossible goal. Men will buy products in an attempt to mate with the impossible goal.

It’s one thing to protect yourself,” Dad yelled at me during our very next lunch. “That I get. Have I ever told you not to defend yourself? No. But did you have to permanently maim him? I spent all that money on that on that fancy school for girls-not to mention all that money for the shrinks-and what did that get me?”I shrugged. “A seven-figure civil suit?

-"He loved her...It was noble of him. It was beautiful."-"It was stupid.

My mate is really, really weird.She is also absolutely covered in brown, mushy clay.She laughs and holds a large lump up to show it to me. Her mouth moves, and she makes enough noise to scare away a group of birds near the shore.She is so, so strange.

Life is a process during which one initially gets less and less dependent, independent, and then more and more dependent.

Hands can cook, hands can create, hands can kill. There is no better tool than our hands.

There exists a microscopic breed of brain beetle, commonly known as an ‘idea’. An idea desires only one thing: To catch the perfect brain wave.

He stood and looked at me for a moment, taking in my outfit. "You look hot.""What? Me?" I stammered, completely flummoxed."Yeah," he said, still looking at me."Oh. Um, thank you. I mean, not that you don’t, but I’m not sure that you should—I mean …""Oh, no," Roger said quickly, and I could see that he was blushing again. "No. I mean—I meant what you’re wearing. Are you going to be too warm?

Nona needs a very dry martini.

Care to explain?” Ari asked.“Didn’t you see my signals?”“Yeah. But they didn’t make sense. Five into one and it’s an intrusion.”“It’s an illusion! Five of them are an illusion.”“That’s not the signal for illusion. This is.” Ari demonstrated the proper signal.“That’s what I did.”“No, you didn’t. You did a weird twisty thing with your pinky.”“I had a scimitar at my throat. I’d like to see you try signaling under those conditions.”-Janco and Ari bickering

Did I just get psychically pimp-slapped by a little old lady?

Knives and candlelight,” he said, “how romantic.

We are all regular people, Pia,’ she laughs. ‘But we are notregular wives.

It's a sweet setup, I'll admit. For all that the maids STILL show up each day with jumbo crucifixes, jumpy movements, and red eyes from crying over the short straw that drew them vampire duty.' Yesterday, she'd just stopped herself from raising her clenched hands above her head and chasing one of them around the room groaning, 'I vant to suck your blood.

To be a philosopher, just reverse everything you have ever been told...and have a sense of humor doing it.

Feeling unable to maintain this detachment of attitude towards human- and, in especial, matrimonial- affairs, I asked whether it was not true that she had married Bob Duport. She nodded; not exactly conveying, it seemed to me, that by some happy chance their union had introduced her to an unexpected terrestrial paradise.

Some mistakes are worse than others: wearing your underwear inside out isn’t as uncomfortable as wearing it back to front.

It was like hiking into a Hemingway story everything was sepia-toned and bristling with subtext.

Seven smirked as he walked back over to me. "I gave you catharsis last night. Twice.

An arrogant man whose arrogance we see from his own behaviour is more tolerable than a humble man whose humility we hear of from his own mouth.

Marry me, he says. I got all my own teeth, I wash twice a year an I'll cut you in fer half the business here.

You think too much of your "toilette", Adele; but you may have a flower." I took a rose from a vase and fastened it in her sash. She sighed a sign of ineffable satisfaction, as if her cup of happiness were now full. I turned my face away to conceal a smile I could not suppress; there was something ludicrous as well as painful in the little Parisienne's earnest and innate devotion to matters of dress.

Can you put your hands on my crot

He pointed at the paper. “I want you to write me a description of every foot you’ve put wrong since we met. Make sure I can read your writing. You have five minutes.”Write about every foot I’d put wrong. I peered down at my feet.I started to write: My left foot is a size eight point five. It has a high arch, and my big toe is longer than my second toe. There is a light smattering of hair on the top of my foot. I paused and stuck my left leg out, studying my shoe. Right now I am wearing Nike Frees for m—“Bring me your paper.”I glanced at my paper. “I’m not done yet.”“One . . . two . . .”I brought him the paper.

Yep those are goosebumps. Or a bad case of arm acne. Or as I call it, armcne.

Some people hate people who are overconfident, only because their overconfidence reminds them of their underconfidence.

Alex the waiter was on my Spank Naughty list in third place, right after Henry Calvill the actor, then Henry Calvill as Superman. He was proof that God existed, and that God loved straight women.

It is not what they say, but the reaction that tells you everything you need to know.

We men are fascinated by the things we don't really understand. It gives us something to think and talk about: like females, they drive us nuts.

We are the generation of Social Media, Our biggest Revolution is a Tweet of 141 Characters.

I'm forty-two," he said. "That's eighty-four in musician years.

Secret 3963. It’s only a sucking chest wound if you’re not the shooter.

Quirky, funny, happy-go-lucky dead inside Dexter. No longer Dexter with the knife, Dexter the Avenger. Not until next time.

We losers don't fear death. For us it's the end of a lifelong losing spell.

I felt like an animal, and animals don’t know sin, do they?

Now I am shut up with his mother on Bramble farm and she is no better for conversation than prune whip

Bitch, if I ain't a G, I'm an OG

There are moments in life where I wonder whether things can get worse. I'm on a plane, with my new husband, whose enthusiasm for this whole thing seems to be flagging, and it's in this deep moment of self-pity that I register–with absolute horror–that I've also just started my period.I look down at my white jeans and stifle a sob...

On Friday night, I was reading my new book, but my brain got tired, so I decided to watch some television instead.

Day drag." Ashley answered simply. "The sun turns vampires into dust and drag queens into this." He motioned with his hand down his body.

Those sweet lips. My, oh my, I could kiss those lips all night long.Good things come to those who wait.

It was as if when he left he'd taken some of the screws that held her together and now all she could do was walk around all wonky and falling apart

What a nickname. Teenagers can be so cruel. I’m embarrassed to be one of them.

She put her hand on her hip. "Where are you going?""To the boat. You called me Lord Bill again. That means we're cool."Cerise slapped her forehead with the heel of her hand and followed him.

An evil spark flared in his eyes. "Trade: raccoon for some answers.

I wanted to beat the heck out of the JV guys for that, except I wouldn't know what to do in a fistfight without a manual.

A hundred people is rather a large handful for the four of us to take on," Malcolm pointed out. "Do you have any ideas about how we're going to handle that task?""Simple," Halt told him. "We'll surround them.

I am so glad that God's disappointment in me is not greater than his love and I still have a Destiny. I am growing in grace and mercy because that is the only soil that can produce the kind of life that God desires.

Dedicate your life to solitude and mortify your members which are upon the earth.