Funny Quotes - Page 38

Plus, no matter how many times I'd brushed my teeth in Casey's bathroom (after half an hour she'd knocked on the door to make sure I was okay), the taste of disgusting, womanizing bastard was still in my mouth. Ugh!

O woman, father says natural is beautifulso why do you redden your cheeks and blacken your eyes?Why do you remove the hair on your legsand draw them into your brows?Why do you hold your breathlest your stomach showand hold your fartlest they knowthat you’re a human? O woman, father says natural is beautifulso why do you straighten your hairto curl it nextand pretend to orgasm so they think you enjoyed the sex?Why do you dumb yourself downand push your breasts up?Why do you smile when you’re told toand love when you don’t want to?When? When will you stop, woman? Father says natural is beautifulbut that is doubtfulfor what does father knowhe’s only a fellow.

I shed a tear when I meet somebody who always quits. Reliable people are so rare in this world.

Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates.

I helped with customers who raced through the front door in a mad search for the perfect gift. One that looked as if they'd put hours of thought into their choice. And yes, you're right. They were mostly men." -- Abby Shaw, Sucker Punched

Besides my professional goals, I have a couple of private ones, my man. One of those is to pet a kangaroo before I leave Australia. I understand there's lots of Eastern Grays around this area. What do you say? Are you in?'Bergman looked at him like he'd just made the worst financial investment of his life. 'Kangaroos are wild animals. I've heard they claw like girl fighters and kick like jackhammers. You're going to get your skull crushed.'Cole held up a finger. 'Or I'm going to pet a kangaroo. How cool would that be?

How my adventures become your sins?

Your wit never ceases to underwhelm me.

Blind barthimus used his mouth and his feet to affect what wasn't working in his life? What do you use to affect what's not working in your life? God is not interested in your perfection, He is interested in your participation. It is your participation that attracts the presence of God.

I feel my brains, like a pear, to see if it's ripe; it will be exquisite by September.

This time, try to keep your hands to yourself,” Ayden whispered in my ear. “Your octopus routine could get a bit embarrassing with this crowd.”“Th—that’s not funny.”“Come on. It was a little funny. You’re smiling.”I buried my face in his chest so he couldn’t see he was right.“Now,” Blake said, “about those handcuffs. That’s just—”“Don’t say it,” Ayden warned.“Kinky.

Two passing jetliners reported to controllers they’d seen a man with a gun seated on a deck chair at eleven thousand feet…

How rude of me, we haven’t even introduced ourselves. We’re the Andersons. I’m Evan, the lovely size-zero lass in the floppy sun hat is my wife Amy, and these are our best friends/children, Evan and Amy Jr. As you can see, we’re very fit and active. You know what our family’s average percentage of body fat is? Three. Yes, really. We got it tested last year when we all became organ donors.You may have noticed that I’m carrying Amy on my back. We do that a lot. At least once a day, and not just when we’re in fields like this; we do it on beaches and in urban environments as well. That’s what happens when your love is deep and playful like ours. You should also know that we also dab frosting on each other’s noses every single time we eat cupcakes, which is both mischievous and very us. Do you guys even eat cupcakes?

aren't you, uh... reproducing?"sure, we love reproducing it's one of our favorite things.

Hey!” He snapped out of his musings as Destiny’s hand trailed down his body to cup his less than interested cock through his trousers. “Claws to self, Vampira, I assume you brush your teeth twice a day but I have no idea where those hands of yours have been.

My father chose my name , and my last name was chosen by my ancestors . That’s enough, I myself choose my way

We have all been empowered by the web: everyone with a keyboard can now effectively broadcast to a national audience. In a sense, it puts each of us on the same footing as the major media conglomerates, except for AOL, who now apparently own all our thoughts and teeth.

What?""Nothing." He laughed."You were really hungry.""I don't need to defend my eating to anyone.And just so you know,when I'm done with this,I plan to eat three whole cookies.""Whoa." He held up his hands."Now you're pulling out the big guns.""I don't mess around.

I’m a firm believer in equality at all times

She called me ‘my lady,’ ” she told him in a plaintive voice. “I don’t know who that is. I’m no lady.” The last of his fury faded away to be replaced with a quick gleam. He peered under the sheet. “I can attest to that.

Scott Waldron.' 'What?' Robbie's lip curled in a glimace of disgust. 'The jockstrap? Why, does he need you to teach him how to read?' I scowled at him. 'Just because he's captain of the football team doesn't mean you can be a jerk. Or are you jealous?' 'Oh, of course, that's it,' Robbie said with a sneer. 'I've always wanted the IQ of a rock. No, wait. That would be an insult to the rock...

So how's the putrid pile of caca doing?

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

You Sure this is it?" I said. "It looks empty.""Empty? No way, there's loads of shit in there," worm replied

Hi, name’s Ran.” The werewolf smiled, hand extended.Silence.Ran mimicked the knight’s deep voice, while pretending to shake an invisible hand. “Hi, I’m the Amyntor.”More silence.“Oh, it’s a pleasure to meet you,” the werewolf said in his own voice. “No, the pleasure’s all mine,” he said in Atlas’s voice.After yet more silence, Ran coughed into his fist before turning to look down the line at Aaron. “I see where you get your sense of humor from.

I think you're crazy good at this survival stuff, Cary."His shoulders sag. He gives me a small, relieved smile and we start walking again, his step a little lighter than it was before. It feels strange to have that kind of power over someone."I mean, you're crazy good at it for a stoner who couldn't seem to get his shit together academically at all," I add.

Connor and Cameron look wide-eyed at the carnage. Cameron slowed the speedboat down to a crawl. She and Connor looked at Jason.“Oops,” Jason said meekly. Nothing else seemed appropriate.“Oops?” Connor shouted. “You blew up half the town.

Now that we know you're not a hundred percent vampire you should stop trying to suck necks," I said to Ziggy."I'll try," Ziggy said, "but it's a hard habit to break.

Moreover, grandmothers of students who aren't doing so well in class are at even higher risk - students who are failing are fifty times more likely to lose a grandmother compared with non-failing students. In a paper exploring this sad connection, Adam speculates that the phenomenon is due to intrafamilial dynamics, which is to say, students' grandmothers care so much about their grandchildren that they worry themselves to death over the outcome of exams.

The problem with having evil minions is that minions are stupid.

When they’re together, the world could fall apart around them and they’d never notice or care as long as they have each

Climate change is like my head: it’s not visible in every instance, but I’m pretty darn sure it’s there.

I once had a patient who was convinced that his head was full of sea water and a crab lived inside. When I asked him what happened to his brain he told me that aliens had sucked it out with a drinking straw."It is better this way," he insisted. "Now there's more room for the crab.

Sam came around the side of the car and stopped dead when he saw me. “Oh my God, what is THAT?” I used my thumb and middle finger to flick the multicolored pom-pom on top of my head. “In my language, we call it a HAT. It keeps my ears warm.” “Oh my God,” Sam said again, and closed the distance between us. He cupped my face in his hands and studied me. “It’s horribly cute.” He kissed me, looked at the hat, and then he kissed me again. I vowed never to lose the pom-pom hat.

My two greatest loves were, of course, Daphne and Hyacinthus, but when you're a god as popular as

As for you, you're unwise: how may you then speak of these things whereof thou ask you?

Ow!" Aideen suddenly hollered which earned a bark from my bedroom."Go back asleep you fat shite!" Aideen shouted when I swiped the antiseptic wipe over a small cut above her eye.I hissed at her, "Leave him alone, he isn't fat. He just has a thick coat!"Aideen laughed through her hissing. "Yeah, a thick coat of blubber."I gave her a firm look. "Don't slag me baby when I'm cleanin' you up. Me finger might slip and jam into your eye.

Monsters have the worst taste in women.

I’m meeting the attic before I meet the girl.

I take my food very seriously. Whenever I hear that bell, I know Mrs. Norris is hankerin' for some spam.

I once told him that the best way to break up a fight is to step between the two people and start singing ancient folk songs. But I’d never heard of anyone actually doing such a thing.

The same beautiful receptionist greeted Christian who had met him before and she extended the same lush invitation as she had the last time. Victoria's eyes narrowed and Christian chuckled under his breath at her jealousy."Relax chérie, she's paid to do that." "Well, she didn't come on to me, so obviously she's not doing her job properly," Victoria said. Christian laughed.

My doctor said I look like a million dollars - green and wrinkled.

Yeah, you bet Romani.' Percy bared his forearm and showed them the brand he'd got at Camp Jupiter- the SPQR mark, with the trident of Neptune. 'You mix Greek and Roman, and you know what you get? You get BAM!' He stomped his foot, and the empousai scrambled back. One fell off the boulder where she'd been perched.

I know what party you’re talking about. I might have to swing through. Especially if you’re going to be there in a costume.” He winked and leaned back in his seat.“I’m going as a homeless person.”“Sexy.

Ash is going to kick your ass, Daemon."Daemon's grin went up a notch. "Nah, she likes my ass too much for that.

I’m tired of ignorance held up as inspiration, where vicious anti-intellectualism is considered a positive trait, and where uninformed opinion is displayed as fact.

Pressure is something you feel when you don't know what the hell you're doing.

Olgun! Wake up!"Her mind was filled with a sense of self-righteous andvaguely drowsy protest."Sure you weren't, she needled at him. You were justpracticing snoring, so you'd be sure to get it right later on,yes?"Olgun's response very strongly resembled an indignantsnort.

Je me rends parfaitement compte du desagreable effet que produit sur la majorite de l'humanité, tout ce qui se rapporte, même au plus faible dègré, á des calculs ou raisonnements mathematiques.I am well aware of the disagreeable effect produced on the majority of humanity, by whatever relates, even at the slightest degree to calculations or mathematical reasonings.

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.

Um...Mercer? Haven't seen you in nearly a month. I was expecting something like, 'Oh Cross, love of my heart, fire of my loins, how I've longed--

If you feel like you're drowning, don't forget that it is just a feeling; it will pass with love and care. If you're actually drowning, then how are you reading this?

You…you got rid of that dress fast," I pointed out between heavy breaths. "I thought you liked it." "I do like it," he said. His breathing was as heavy as mine. "I love it." And then he took me to the bed.

And oil's not supposed to mix with water. But then someone invented mayonnaise, and wham - instant mixing.

Yes, I kidnapped that Lindberg baby.

God's voice will be heard in the cave but only His visions will be revealed to you on the mountain. (A bit deep). God will always love you and will always speak to you but when you lose your perspective, you won't see his plan.

If there were an international butt competition, Eric would win, hands down—or cheeks up.

I explained my opinion of the ship’s logic. “That is a strange designation,” said the ship. “While I have certain organic elements incorporated into my substructure and decentralized DNA computing components, I am not—in the strictest sense of the term—a biological organism. I have no digestive system. No need for elimination, other than the occasional waste gas and passenger effluvium. Therefore, I have no anus in either real or figurative terms. Therefore, I hardly believe I could qualify to be called an …” “Shut up,” I said.

Mother, you have my father much offended.