Funny Quotes - Page 23

I love you. I hate you. I like you. I hate you. I love you. I think you’re stupid. I think you’re a loser. I think you’re wonderful. I want to be with you. I don’t want to be with you. I would never date you. I hate you. I love you…..I think the madness started the moment we met and you shook my hand. Did you have a disease or something?

Once there was an elephant,Who tried to use the telephant-No! no! I mean an elephoneHe tried to use the telephone-(Dear me! I am not certain quiteThat even now I've got it right.)Howe'er it was, he got his trunkEntangled in the telephunk;The more he tried to get it free, The louder buzzed the telephee-(I fear I'd better drop the songOf elephop and telephong!)

Wealth seldom fails to breed the fear of poverty.

Who’s driving the boat?”Over the motor, I heard girls screaming at us the instant before we crashed.

I think we are going to have to love ourselves. Fuck.

It’s not complicated and it doesn’t compare to my problem, now give me a damn cookie I think I earned it,” Jill snapped.Chris grinned like it was Christmas morning. “Yes, you did.” He brought her a cookie. “Very good, my young one. You’ve made Chris very happy with this little tidbit of information.

As concerning the things whereof thou asked me, I will tell thee; for the evil is sown, but the destruction thereof is not yet come.

Which sort of shows why my body is an idiot, because forced narcolepsy is pretty much the worst defense ever.

So a scientist and an engineer are tossed into separate rooms, stocked with tools and parts, and told that they aren't allowed out until they've produced a working prototype for a radio receiver. After two days, the scientist has covered the walls in scribbling and looks like a mad man, raving about how not only is it impossible to build a receiver with the parts given but that he's proven that radio is theoretically impossible anyway. When they check on the engineer, they find that he'd built the receiver in less than a day, fashioned a crude speaker and antenna, and had found a radio broadcast he liked and hadn't bothered to tell them he'd finished.

From: Beth Fremont To: Jennifer Scribner-Snyder Sent: Thurs, 09/30/1999 3:42 PM Subject: If you were Superman … … and you could choose any alter ego you wanted, why the hell would you choose to spend your Clark Kent hours — which already suck because you have to wear glasses and you can’t fly — at a newspaper? Why not pose as a wealthy playboy like Batman? Or the leader of a small but important nation like Black Panther? Why would you choose to spend your days on deadline, making crap money, dealing with terminally crabby editors?

Squeezing her eyes shut, hating every moment, the put a single finger in and moved it around.“There’s nothing,” she lamented.“Go deeper.”Alice did.“Deeper.”“There’s nothing,” she yelled, pulling out her hand in anger and humiliation.“Of course there is nothing,” the Hatter said. “Who ever heard of such a ridiculous thing?”“So why did you make me do it?” Alice demanded.“Because it was really hot,” he answered.

Oakley won't," the duke said.She turned and blinked. "I beg your pardon.""Lord Oakley. He won't forget to find us rooms. I've known him for years. The only thing that is making this bearable is that he must be dying inside over all this.""You don't like him?""On the contrary. I've long considered him a friend. It's why I enjoy his misery so much.

Most priests wish they were as righteous as they seem to most members of their congregations.

The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A Genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.

They arrived home again to a most peculiar sight. The small garden at the front of the Banana House had been transformed. A tidal wave of cushions, beanbags, quilts, hearth rugs, and sleeping bags appeared to have swept up the lawn and broken at the wall. From Indigo's window a multicolored rope of knotted bedsheets came snaking out and ended among the cushions. As Micheal and Caddy watched, a mattress emerged and fell to the ground, followed by a rain of pillows."Indigo!" shouted Caddy, jumping out of the car.Indigo's and Rose's heads appeared in the window above."It's all right, Caddy!" Indigo called cheerfully. "We've been doing it all the time you've been gone.""We keep finding more stuff to land on!" added Rose. "Look!

I don't understand this irony - valuable things like cars, gold, diamond are made up of hard materials but most valuable things like money, contracts and books are made up of soft paper.

You want me to be a man,older than you, who goes by the name of Roullard.

Lepida, has anyone ever told you that you're a cruel spiteful selfish slut?...You're vicious. You're unprincipled. You mistreat your slaves and abuse your daughter. And furthermore you're the worst, most neglectful, most criminal wife in Rome. I think we can go now.

She has to agree to have me. It could take some time, but I’m confident I can trick her into it.

The skanky vamp biting for bucks on the dark end of state street is your ex boyfriend?" William asked. The look on William's face implied he hoped I washed after interacting with Parrish

Leave your incidental Dick.

If you can feed in the presence of your enemies, if you can be blessed under the weight of burdens, when you praise God in pain, it is preparation for provision.

Don't be afraid to be afraid. Have fear, and then conquer the shit out of it.

I would have taken Zeb, purely for entertainment value, but he had an actual date, with a real girl. That hadn't happened in a while, so I was a good friend and put my own needs second to the possibility of him actual sex with a real girl.

Amelie said, “I won’t be your servant in Morganville. Nor should you be mine. Equals.” She offered her hand to him, and he looked down at it, clearly taken aback. But he took it. “Now defend what is ours, my partner.”He grinned … grinned! … and whirled to meet Myrnin in midleap as Myrnin attacked.

Shouldn't someone give a pep talk or something?' Minho asked..."Go ahead," Newt replied.Minho nodded and faced the crowd. 'Be careful,' he said dryly. 'Don't die.'Thomas would have laughed if he could, but he was too scared for it to come out.'Great. We're all bloody inspired,' Newt answered.

Psychobabble attempts to redefine the entire English language just to make a correct statement incorrect. Psychology is the study of why someone would try to do this.

What do you think, Galen?" Lady Fern asked in a sugary voice.Galen chewed slowly and painfully, swallowing tentatively.It's very unique," he said, trying to look intrigued instead of disgusted. "It's excellent."Lady Fern looked satisfied and turned to say something to her husband, while Galen added quietly under his breath, "...not."--The Fire Stone

Decoupage hit Mooreland pretty hard...

Yeah,” said Harry. “No more pretending we care what happens when Jupiter and Uranus get too friendly .

Impersonating a quiet, gentle librarian like Barbara Gordon--You deserve to be taken out of circulation!

I say if a novelty Christmas song is funny one time, then it is funny every time. - Calvin

Will suspected Jem was in fact cleverer than he was himself - but he lacked Will's tendency to assume the absolute worst about people and proceed from there.

Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.

CONFESSION NO. 18 Girls just want to have fun…and live to tell about it the next day.

Oh don’t be such a fuss pot,” said the fairy, “or I’ll call you Fussy Pants, instead of Silly Pants!

Kid 1: *examining my gorgeous strawberry and blueberry pies*: Wow, Mom, your pies don’t look awful this time.Me (Ilona): ...~A little later~Kid 2: *wandering into the kitchen*Kid 1: Hey, you’ve got to see these pies. *opening the stove*Kid 2: Wow. They are not ugly this time.Kid 1: I know, right?

Steffie took my hand and we walked past the fruit bins, an area that extended about forty-five yards along one wall. The bins were arranged diagonally and backed my mirrors that people accidentally punched when reaching for fruit in upper rows.

Many if not most slaves would have each readily jumped, and many if not most slaves would each readily jump, at the opportunity to be a master, if such an opportunity presents or had presented itself.

Love is like encountering a forest and having to chop down every tree but one. Oh, and you have to chop down each tree by hugging it until it falls.

I expect what you're not aware of would fill several books, Dursely.

I fixed your car," he said, tossing the keys from a jade dish on the little maple end table.I palmed them and eyed him speculatively. "You fixed my car?""I have walked the earth for more than a century. I managed to pick up some skills along the way," he said, before reluctantly adding, "and one of them is finding skilled mechanics."I smirked, leaning against the wall. "You almost had me there.""I supervised," he insisted.

Bombs Away!" he yelled, swooping low over StregaSchloss. He saw little figures on the ground fleeing from the large green projectile that was speeding their way. "And a direct hit, if I'm not mistaken," he observed to himself. With a tremendous slapping sound, Ffup's digestive overload landed on a human target. There was a scream, a ghastly choking sound, and then silence.

That you exist, is offense enough to arrest you.

Be anxious for no thing, be concerned about the state of your soul and that of your children, be concerned about God's work in the world; these are genuine concern but when it comes to the things in your life.....be not anxious. If God is for us who can be against us?

If you can't see the assets in you, it will be hard for you to export it to the world. Recognise who you are and the world will recognise you.

When you sit that way, you look kind of like a beach ball with a head,” he continued. “Your haircut is really, really bad, I’m probably going to lose my job for helping you this way, and I’m dying to fuck you.” He glanced at her. “That honest enough for you?

How can you stand touching her?” my sister blurted, staring at our clasped hands. “Doesn’t that hurt?”I seized on the change of topic. “These gloves are specialized rubber. They block the current.”Gretchen’s gaze traveled over Vlad, disbelief still stamped on her features. “Yeah, but how do you two do anything else, unless he has a special, currentrepellingglove for his—”“Gretchen!” my father cut her off.My cheeks felt hot. Don’t say a word, I thought to Vlad, seeing his chest tremble with suppressed laughter.“He has a natural immunity,” I gritted out.

I'm joking when I say I'm the grand-pop of those claiming to be an avatar-messiah or god. But if they're serious, then, I am who I am.

He closes the door with a determined click, and I hear him call to a flight attendant, and I sink down onto the toilet seat, resting my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands as I listen to him through the

And the last thought he had that morning as he closed his eyes was: I hope the tornado hit the moose.

It is usually unbearably painful to read a book by an author who knows way less than you do, unless the book is a novel.

Stairs," Valkyrie said, disappointed."Not just ordinary stairs," Skulduggery told her as he led the way down. "Magic stairs.""Really?""Oh, yes."She followed him into the darkness. "How are they magic?""They just are.""In what way?""In a magicky way."She glared at the back of his head. "They aren't magic at all, are they?""Not really.

In Science don't confound Normal static electricity To ecstatic eccentricity. Here is what I found: Electric charges As they rise up your hair In contrast with a discharge, Rarity leaves you up in the air!

When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.

Your name. That’s all I want.” I debate on whether or not I should explain to him that my name isn't going to help him in his stalking endeavours.

At the door, Audrey called, "Are you coming?""No, just breathing hard, love." He glanced at her and was rewarded by an outraged glare, followed by, "Oh, my God!

Millions of business people are each constantly forced to choose between their desire to not be a bad person and their desire to be a good business person, that is to say, to make as much money as they possibly can by maximizing their revenue while minimizing the cost of producing whatever it is that they sell.

After seven days of fasten so it was, that the thoughts of my heart were very grievous unto me- and my soul recovered the spirit of understanding.

I know my rights.""And I know you're wrong.