Sarcasm Quotes - Page 3

Going to the gym at this odd hour didn't 'work out' for me.

I once saw you in a tuxedo and all I wanted to do is eat.

The first time Calypso came to check on [Leo], it was to complain about the noise.“Smoke and fire,” she said. “Clanging on metal all day long. You’re scaring away the birds!”“Oh, no, not the birds!

My other hand?' Lopen said. 'The one that was cut off long ago, eaten by a fearsome beast? It is making a rude gesture toward you right now. I thought you would want to know, so you can prepare to be insulted.

In 1803, President Jefferson oversaw the purchase of this land from the French for $15 million. It doesn't sound like much for an area three times the size of France itself but given that they'd stolen it from the Native Americans in the first place, I suppose they couldn't grumble. Once some debts had been wiped and estate agents had taken their commission, Napoleon's France ended up pocketing a little more than $8 million. Which is about how much it cost Pepsi Cola to secure the services of Britney Spears. Times have changed.

I don't understand German myself. I learned it at school, but forgot every word of it two years after I had left, and have felt much better ever since.

Need I say more?''No, because you're wrong, and I'd hate for you to keep embarrassing yourself.

But nowhere in the file had anyone said, “Oh, and by the way, he runs like a gazelle with an espresso addiction.” At least not in the parts I’d skimmed.

Lord Ironman, please play tonsil hockey with me, just this one time. There, does that make you happy?

Imitating someone is the mediocre way of getting humanity back to what we evolved from.

I'm telling you, you really should stick to mating within your species, whatever that is.''I would,' I said, 'but unfortunately, there are no gorgeous, all-powerful, all-knowing gods around here. I'd even settle for a demigod. It's a step down, I know. But alas, there are nothing but low-brained mortals here. And half-brains, like you.

I need to ask, are you afraid of spiders?"Nicholas blinked, suddenly caught off guard, "Yes, I'm afraid of spiders.""Were you always?""What are you, a psychiatrist?"Pritam took a breath. He could feel Laine's eyes on him, appraising his line of questioning."Is it possible that the trauma of losing your best friend as a child and the trauma of losing your wife as an adult and the trauma of seeing Laine's husband take his life in front of you just recently..." Pritam shrugged and raised his palms, "You see where I'm going?"Nicholas looked at Laine. She watched back. Her gray eyes missed nothing."Sure," agreed Nicholas, standing. "And my sister's nuts, too, and we both like imagining that little white dogs are big nasty spiders because our daddy died and we never got enough cuddles.""Your father died?" asked Laine. "When?""Who cares?"Pritam sighed. "You must see this from our point of - ""I'd love to!" snapped Nicholas. "I'd love to see it from your point of view, because mine is not that much fun! It's insane! It's insane that I see dead people, Pritam! It's insane that this," he flicked out the sardonyx necklace,"stopped me from kidnapping a little girl!""That's what you believe," Pritam said carefully."That's what I fucking believe!" Nicholas stabbed his finger through the air at the dead bird talisman lying slack on the coffee table.

Puppies are cute. I'm fierce!""Yeah!" Evelyn snorted. "Romas says you're as fierce as a kitten.""A kitten?" Kiera's tone grew more hurt. "I'm not afraid of him, just because he's twelve feet tall and can bench press me with his toes. It's not nice of him to say that

I am often thought of as being remarkably bright, and yet my brains, more often than not, are busily devising new and interesting ways of bringing my enemies to sudden, gagging, writhing, agonizing death.

At least that left hope for him. Except "Beauty and the Geek" wasn’t exactly the proper translation of the popular fairy tale.

This was met with a long pause. “Are you really left-handed?” Mr. Marshall asked.“No. I’ve just been pretending to use my left hand my entire life because I enjoy never being able to work scissors properly.

He shook his head,'Fuck, you say such fucking weird things.''Is that still your favourite word?' asked Isola interestedly, 'I like "verisimilitude". Tolkein said the most beautiful English phrase is "cellar door",

Hi, I'm Dick," I said."Yeah, I've heard that about you.

If Jack had followed him instead of trying to reclaim his car, he would undoubtedly have voiced his disappointment that they were not yet shooting laser cannons. Frankly, Richard thought dodging the police’s bullets would be problematic enough.

You are in good shape for a dead man.

We came around the corner and stood in the doorway of what looked like a paint-testing ground. This was where we proved once and for all that we were good loving parents. We decided to let him live."What is painting doing in my best Tupperware bowl?" I yelled."Well, I needed something lightweight I could carry around with me," he began."You've been carrying around a brain for year," the boy's father said.

I nee to reason for a plague, ... As far as I know no comets or eclipses have been forecast, and our sins are not great enough for God to be concerned with us.

it's a losing battle at this point,but so was the alamo

The speed felt tremendous. And the bottom of the ravine was treacherous. She ought to control her mount somehow - slow it; steer it to safer footing. Of course. And while she was at it, she ought to defeat the Alend Monarch's army, take care of Master Gilbur and the arch-Imager Vagel, and produce peace on earth. While composing great music with her free hand. Instead of doing all that, however, she concentrated with a pure white intensity that resembled terror on simply staying in the saddle

REMIND ME AGAIN, he said, HOW THE LITTLE HORSE-SHAPED ONES MOVE.

Ivypool felt her mouth drop open "Hollyleaf? But...you you're dead!" "Obviously not," the newcomer replied with an edge to her voice.

Do I have to get diapers?” he asked.“Why, did Kade shit himself?” she laughed.Dylan huffed loudly.  Eyebrows knitted together, “DO I NEED TO GET BOTTLES?”Jen rolled her eyes and shook her head as if he were crazy, “Don’t you think it’s too early to start drinking?  You just got up…”“IS THERE ANYTHING IN YOUR OVEN?”“I’M NOT BAKING ANYTHING, YOU MORON! WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?”My God, you have surrounded me with idiots.

Most thoughtful,"...[he said] politely. This cheerfulness was ambiguous, Had she determined to ignore ...[the] coup entirely--an established tactic, most irritating to the innovator but hard to sustain over long periods of time--or had she already evolved her counter-strategy?

Was Philip Dexter upset?""He's telephoned the office every day."She was pleased about that. "Who else was upset?""Everybody. Roosevelt orderded an hour of silence while you were on the table. Like Armistice Day.

Picture a place called the Karma Kafe and it'll save me the bother of describing it. There was nothing in it you wouldn't expect, from the Buddha flowerpots to the wallpaper decorated with symbols that probably said, "If you bought this just because it looked pretty, may Buddha piss in your coffee, you culturally ignorant moron.

people don't generally believe themselves to be evil. Just strong. And they think that the world owes them something

When she saw me, my mother stood up and started to come toward me, but then stopped. I think maybe Cat Poop had told her not to make any sudden movements because they might scare me, like I’m a wild animal or something, because she kept looking at him and then at me. Finally she just said, “Hello, Jeff,” and sat down again next to my father.

...Peabody had better retire to her bed; she is clearly in need of recuperative sleep, she has not made a sarcastic remark for fully ten minutes.

Sketchy black van? Weird stalking of my house? What are you going to do next, offer me some candy?

It's not hard to fail...it's hard to accept you failed...but once that's out of the way, it's pretty smooth sailing

The queers could almost pass for the same species as the straights.

Would somebody please tell him whose idea it had been to kill the entire state of Colorado?

 “Your Tim is so unmistakably a healthy extravert type. Mens stulta in corpore sano, and all that.”“Exactly,” she agreed.

All right,” she said a little sarcastically. “I was going to assume you liked eating babies and sacrificing virgins, but I might as well ask, what do you do for fun?”“I languish in sin,” I replied in the same tone. “I take my babies rare, and my virgins over easy.

Yes. Reyn is our resident horse master. He has an excellent seat."I grinned. "I've noticed."Reyn's face tightened and Nell flushed, looking embarrassed. "It's an equestrian term.""Really? I thought you were talking about his ass.

There should be a rule against your own inner monologue throwing around that much sarcasm.

Optimism: That effervescent, blindingly- bright, perky, chipper, twittering quality you want to squash out of annoying people.

What was up with class today? It was watered-down porn. He practically had you and Patch on top of your lab table, horizontal, minus your clothes, doing the Big Deed.

I swear to God, if GreatReads doesn't stop sending me these notification emails...how many times do I have to turn them off?

If you didn't have me to rake you over the coals now and then, there wouldn't be any fire in your life at all.

Awww," Minho said. "That's almost as sweet as that time she slammed the end of a spear into your shuck face.

Thomas was an annoying wiseass who tended to make everyone he met want to kill him, and when I have that much in common with someone, I can't help but like him a little.

Let me ask you a question Alex. What do you think is the greatest evil on this plant today?""Is that including, or not including you?

Your sarcasm and general assholeness are not necessary,” Apollo remarked casually.I grinned at him. “I don’t think ‘assholeness’ is a word.”“It is if I say it is.” Apollo drew in a deep breath, a sure sign his temper was reaching its knock-Seth-into-the-nearby-ocean point.

Named Harris," Bill said. "Ever know him, Mike? He was in the war, too.""Fortunate fellow," Mike said. "What times we had. How I wish those dear days were back.

She wished she had a set of greeting cards at the ready, but Hallmark probably didn’t make any that said Thank you for giving up your life so that me and my friends could escape! It was SO appreciated. XOXO!

Who am I to judge me?

The irony of life is like a brothel without prostitutes--but don't you worry, prostitutes don't need of a brothel, to exercise their profession.

Clearly, she hadn’t heard of the two words ‘social’ and ‘life’.

But there was no going back to that idyllic time when only one god wanted to kill me.

Yes, heaven forbid I not be protected from tanks.

Push my buttons, and I'll push you off a bridge. 

I should just build a bleeding house here," I mutter as I pick myself up off the snow-covered ground. "Maybe get a few chickens. Plant a garden.

Be nice to people on your way up, because you'll land on them on your way down

Where is your false, your treacherous, and cursed wife?""She's gone forrard to the Police Office," returns Mr Bucket. "You'll see her there, my dear.""I would like to kiss her!" exclaims Mademoiselle Hortense, panting tigress-like. "You'd bite her, I suspect," says Mr Bucket."I would!" making her eyes very large. "I would love to tear her, limb from limb.""Bless you, darling," says Mr Bucket, with the greatest composure; "I'm fully prepared to hear that. Your sex have such a surprising animosity against one another, when you do differ.