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Joke Quotes - Page 4

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What did the zombie say to the whore? Keep the tip!
Diana Rowland
Then she called Gansey.It rang twice, three times, and then: "Hello?"He sounded boyish and ordinary. Blue asked, "Did I wake you up?"She heard Gansey fumble for and scrape up his wireframes."No," he lied, "I was awake.""I called you by accident anyway. I meant to call Congress, but your number was one off.""Oh?""Yeah, because yours has 6-6-5 in it." She paused. "Get it?""Oh, you.""6-6-5. One number different. Get it?""Yeah, I got it.
Maggie Stiefvater
To increase the chances of a writer trying to kill themselves, cut off their hands.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
People take life as a gift even as a joke. But both cases it's not a gift - how everything is gave, the same moment it can be taken. One moment it's needed to do this and one moment you have. Still thinking it's a joke??It's not really, Santa Clause is a killer, the guy who ruin everything was by Loverboy he is just kill the all biatches, but he was with Santa Clause they both worked together... (I think that the moment was taken, you don't have it. The Gift is gone, the joke was taken. Because you were wrong!)
Deyth Banger
I pulled the sheet off their faces. Their faces were black with coal dust and didn't look like anything was wrong with them except they were dirty. The both of them had smiles on their faces. I thought maybe one of them had told a joke just before they died and, pain and all, they both laughed and ended up with a smile. Probably not true but but it made me feel good to think about it like that, and when the Sister came in I asked her if I could clean their faces and she said, "no, certainly not!" but I said, "ah, c'mon, it's me brother n' father, I want to," and she looked at me and looked at me, and at last she said, "of course, of course, I'll get some soap and water."When the nun came back she helped me. Not doing it, but more like showing me how, and taking to me, saying things like "this is a very handsome man" and "you must have been proud of your brother" when I told her how Charlie Dave would fight for me, and "you're lucky you have another brother"; of course I was, but he was younger and might change, but she talked to me and made it all seem normal, the two of us standing over a dead face and cleaning the grit away. The only other thing I remember a nun ever saying to me was, "Mairead, you get to your seat, this minute!
Sheldon Currie
One can never have enough socks," said Dumbledore. "Another Christmas has come and gone and I didn't get a single pair. People will insist on giving me books.
J.K. Rowling
Nothing humbles a beautiful woman better than not being wanted by a man whose girlfriend or wife is ugly (or not as beautiful as she is).
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
We are sometimes hurt mostly or only not by what happened or is happening to us but by being felt sorry for.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
The average adult hates being treated like a child, unless it suits them.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Please ejaculate", I silently urged the man, "so I can go to sleep". (In this way I imagine I was like millions of women before me
Jon Ronson
We would not be ashamed of doing some of the things we do in private, if the number of sane human beings who do them in public were large enough.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
If someone loves sweet things and constantly eats angel´s hair tartlets should this be diagnosed as having some sort of heavenly trichotillomania?
Ana Claudia Antunes
The answer to the question ‘How many children do you have?’ and the one to the question ‘How many children are you raising?’ are not identical in all cases: some men are not taking care of their own children, some are knowingly or unknowingly raising other men’s children, and some do not even know that they each have a child, another child, or other children.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
The fact that you have just buried your parent or parents and/or sibling or siblings does not make you less likely to die today.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Some people love but will never marry each other. Some are married to but have never loved and will never love each other.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
It is easy to launch a project if you have no clue about the cost and schedule.
Gerry Geek
Unbeknown to us, some of the people who we hope are missing us wherever they are do miss us; some miss someone else; and some are dead.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Insurances are like very expensive flat rates, except that you have to live by their rules in hope to get back a small share of your money.
L.H.
You can't draw lines in the sand like that. Humour's a tsunami that doesn't care about your little lines.
S.A. Tawks
There is no better taste than this: someone else's laughter in your mouth.
Maggie Stiefvater
Some people would not be dead if they have not gotten the things or people they had prayed for.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Whenever He answers prayers, God usually prioritizes those by people who, instead of their mouths, have prayed with their hands and/or feet.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Some people would not have remained with their partners, if the unfortunate things that have happened to them had happened to their partners, or if the fortunate things that have happened to their partners had happened to them.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Passing their toilet training is the very last thing that some adults did that has made their parents proud of them.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
More people would be depressed, if parents tried to please their children as frequently and as badly as children try to please their parents.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
We love being mentally strong, but we hate situations that allow us to put our mental strength to good use.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
I never stopped joking around long enough to realize you weren't laughing anymore.
Alexandra Potter
Some people wouldn’t still be sane, if they were not religious or superstitious; some wouldn’t be disabled or dead.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Puns are just another form of sarcasm, which may or may not make you - smile, giggle, or laugh.
Aniruddha Sastikar
It's unpleasantly like being drunk." "What's so unpleasant about being drunk?" "You ask a glass of water.
Douglas Adams
We have glorified wealth and freedom so much that it is impossible for most of us to truly believe that a man can truly be happy in a shack or within the confines of a prison cell.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
She complains that I'm lazy, but I just like to save my energy for dinner.
Matshona Dhliwayo
You know, Mac,”Cadmus said still looking out the window. “We may have to work on the way we tell our story …apparently it’s not amusing enough.” “I’ll try to include a joke between ‘he bled to death’and ‘the city burned’.”Machaon responded tersely.
Sulari Gentill
What did the mat say to the door? You must be really aDOORable to open up to everyone who knock at you. And I welcome everyone and what do I get? People stepping all over me
Ana Claudia Antunes
The joke loses everything when the joker laughs himself.
Friedrich Schiller
When in doubt, poke the beehive with a stick to see if anything interesting flies out.I clapped my hands. 'I had no idea Pit teams had such pretty cheerleaders. Can you do it again, but with more spirit this time?
Ilona Andrews
Marketing is so powerful that it can make even an extremely untalented musician a one-hundred-hits wonder.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
I have been scientifically studying the traits and dispositions of the “lower animals” (so-called,) and contrasting them with the traits and dispositions of man. I find the result profoundly humiliating to me. For it obliges me to renounce my allegiance to the Darwinian theory of the Ascent of Man from the Lower Animals; since it now seems plain to me that that theory ought to be vacated in favor of a new and truer one, this new and truer one to be named the Descent of Man from the Higher Animals.
Mark Twain
Trying to be offensive for the sole purpose of being offensive should always deem one the least offensive of offenders.
Criss Jami
I'll only go if there's cake.~Tobias "Four
Veronica Roth
There would be fewer absent fathers, if straight men were turned on only by women with whom they would not mind having children.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Not every single way of saying the right thing is right.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
A philosopher is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there. A theologian is the man who finds it.
H.L. Mencken
Everyone says "i will never" and "one should never" but, actually, "No one can Resist Miss-using Power (at-least ones) when they have it".
honeya
Not everyone who condemns masturbation can masturbate.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
The signs of excessive indulgence in this destructive pastime are easily detectable. They are these: A disposition to eat, to drink, to smoke, to meet together convivially, to laugh, to joke, and tell indelicate stories— and mainly, a yearning to paint pictures.
Mark Twain
Conversation of the Day -He: How do you describe yourself in two words?Me: You don't.
Sanhita Baruah
The world was a bad joke dreamed up by the Almighty on an off-day. I've always felt myself that he probably had a hangover that morning.
Jack Higgins
Jack didn’t fully get Jesus. Audrey tried to explain it, and he could repeat it back to her, word for word, but he still didn’t comprehend most of it. The best he could gather was that Jesus lived long ago, told people to be nice, and they killed him for it. At the end, he asked who was Jesus’ necromancer and if he was in the Bible, then Kaldar couldn’t stop laughing and had to sit down.
Ilona Andrews
The combination of ammonia and chloride can be lethal but I've discovered it can work miracles as long as you keep telling yourself, "I want to love, I want to live...
David Sedaris
If Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.
Marcus Brigstocke
Many a man was caused to perish by something that he and many men cherish.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
I wish the Fallen would just come to us for a change.”Ironically, Fallen Angels dropped from the sky and surrounded us.“I wish I had a chocolate cake!” I exclaimed, staring up.No cake appeared, though I did get a few wry glances. Andrew’s body shook with silent laughter while Lucia gaveme raised eyebrows.“What? It worked for the Fallen Angels.
Laura Kreitzer
If you have a problem with me, it is OK, because Mullah Omar does too.
M.F. Moonzajer
Why do we have to humiliate someone to crack a joke??? Do what u would like people to do with u..
honeya
More you know, better advice you give. Less you know, more advice you give.
Gerry Geek
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