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Viktor was swinging a leather duffle and wearing a black Adidas tracksuit and his favorite brown UGG slippers with a hole in the toe."Worn and old, just like Viv," he'd say when Frankie made fun of them, and then his wife would swat him on the arm. But Frankie knew he was just joking, because Viveka was the type of woman you wished was in a magazine just so you could stare at her violet-colored eyes and shiny black hair without being called a stalker or a freak.
Lisi Harrison
On Mars, the joke went, a man’s hole was his castle where values of castle approached dorm room.
James S.A. Corey
Whenever they are condemning weaves or breast implants, some people speak so passionately that their false teeth almost fall out.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
This is a wonderful joke to play upon a prisoner, to promise forgiveness.
Kate DiCamillo
Have you heard the joke about the chemist, physicist and economist who get wrecked on a desert isle, with a huge supply of canned baked beans as their only food? The chemist says that he can start a fire using the neighbouring palm trees, and calculate the temperature at which a can will explode. The physicist says that she can work out the trajectory of each of the baked beans, so that they can be collected and eaten. The economist says "Hang on guys, you're doing it the hard way. Let's assume we have a can opener.
Steve Keen
That awkward moment when you realize someone was actually home the whole time you were singing on the tops of your lungs.
Kasey Collin P. Dumdum
Given these differences between the sexes, the sexual revolution was the biggest joke men ever played on women. By convincing them that the old rules didn’t apply and that two could play the predator game, men enticed women to do what men have always wanted women to do. But what a price was paid for the new “freedom.” And predictably, women were the ones who got stuck with the bill.
James C. Dobson
What happened when the Verb asked the noun to conjugate? She said "no-no!", forgot the "o" and decided to become a nun!
Ana Claudia Antunes
Ugh!' snarled the Wolf, as he limped through the brushwood with his tail between his legs, 'this is perfectly monstrous weather. Why doesn't the Government look to it?
Oscar Wilde
Not everyone who has killed themselves because they were HIV positive would have been killed by AIDS.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
A good joke doesn’t necessarily need appreciation from others. One can freely laugh at one’s own deserving jokes.
Pawan Mishra
I saw two birds having dangerously kinky sex on the main road, while several cars ran above them just missing the sparrows’ toss and tumble fly away. The couple survived to try it again next season on a railway line!
Initially NO
Even the world’s greatest actor cannot fake an erection.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Never make a person feel, that he/she is very (extra) special.. Cause, then that person starts feeling that 'You' are not worth him/her.
honeya
Some kleptomaniacs do not steal things only; they also, while some only, steal lovers.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Time is ticking, and your online twinkling is limited.
Santosh Kalwar
Attending a funeral would leave the average person insane, if they truly believed that sooner or later they are also going to die.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Be careful not to appear obsessively intellectual. When intelligence fills up, it overflows a parody.
Criss Jami
I do not have a problem with people killing themselves, as long as they took at least a hundred years to think about what they are about to do.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
We are sometimes dragged into a pit of unhappiness by someone else’s opinion that we do not look happy.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
My maid never sweeps under the bed so I asked her to do so today. Found a pen, three pairs of shoes and the man I had lost two years ago.
Sanhita Baruah
Someone once told me a joke," he said. "I'd like to be a pacifist, but people keep getting in the way.' I made a decision to fight for my friend in prison. It was a deliberate decision. It isn't the only way-it's just something I decided.
Edeet Ravel
Some men would not still be HIV negative or alive, if they had managed to sleep with some of the women with whom they want or wanted to have sex.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Many a woman is in a relationship with or married to her man not because she loves him but only because she likes men like him.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
I'm financially ugly.
Rea Lidde
My girlfriend and I just had make-up sex. We both wore make-up.
Randy Kagan
Honey, no offense, but sometimes I think I could shoot you and watch you kick.
Raymond Carver
Some people ate less food less often when they each had a home than they now do as hobos.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Kell managed an echo of her smile, and [Lila] gasped. "What's that on your face?"The smile vanished. "What?""Never mind," she said, laughing. "It's gone.
Victoria Schwab
Make it dark, make it grim, make it tough, but then, for the love of God, tell a joke.
Joss Whedon
Its crazy when people of high moral standards, feel its okay for an intimate friend to insult them in a jovial way, forgeting that even casual friends can do just the same in a jovial way.
Michael Bassey Johnson
He with the cleanest clothes isn’t necessarily the cleanest.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Some people wish they were as happy as or happy like some people think they are.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
You need to be greedy or ignorant to truly want to live forever.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Stanley forced a smile to his lips at the memory of the onesided romance; it was silly, after all, a stupid childhood crush. Who’d fall in love with a fictional character? That was the kind of thing you laughed about as an adult. Or at least Harriet had thought so. He couldn’t quite do it, though. Couldn’t quite see it as a joke. It had felt too real, too raw and wild and fierce, for him todismiss it even now. It was love, of a sort, stunted and unformed as it was. For a time, it had kept him sane.
Amelia Mangan
I'll never miss a chance to remind you of what a brat you were. A gloriously beautiful and very spoiled brat. I was utterly charmed by your complete self-absorption. It was rather like courting a cat.
Robin Hobb
Humanity it's strange race, if I can say this. There a lot of secrets and stuff which are still mysteries for this race! I know that most people are like the characters the guy near GreenWind, GreenHollyWood, the people like DeYtH are rare. GreenHollywood blocked me on skype because what??? Can't understand a joke, so he can joke with me but I can't???WOW!Just Humanity or most people just stop us from doing the stuff which will make us better.
Deyth Banger
I'm the most famous person, problem is people don't know it yet…
Kevin Focke
When you are suffering from sexual starvation, a spank or even a hug seems like a porn scene.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one.
Rick Riordan
Looking but not seeing is the hearing but not understanding of the eye.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Finding out that you are not your lover’s only lover hurts, but not as much as discovering that you are the side chick … or the side dick.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
A tie is what you get after ice cubes have wrestled with hot water.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Thanks to bad graphic design, some readers love only the electronic version of some books.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
You are where your brain is but not where a front-page headline is.
Santosh Kalwar
Asia is an entertainment, Europe is a dream, America is an imprisonment and Rest is a nightmare.
Santosh Kalwar
Everyone born is on the field of life’s game, but not everyone does wear the jersey of vision! Some people are fair players and others are injury causers; you joke with the later and they hit you down in pain and blood stains!
Israelmore Ayivor
Look, people, I’m announcing a new rule. It’s going to seem harsh. But it’s necessary.”The word “harsh” got almost everyone’s attention.“We can’t have people sitting around all day playing Wii and watching DVDs. We need people to start working in the fields. So, here’s the thing: everyone age seven or older has to put in three days per week picking fruit or veggies. Then Albert’s going to work with the whole question of freezing stuff that can be frozen, or otherwise preserving stuff.”There was dead silence. And blank stares.“What I’m saying is, tomorrow we’ll have two school buses ready to go. They hold about fifty kids each and we need to have them mostly full because we’re going to pick some melons and it’s a lot of work.”More blank stares.“Okay, let me make this simple: get your brothers and sisters and friends and anyone over age seven and be in the square tomorrow morning at eight o’clock.”“But how about—?”“Just be there,” Sam said with less firmness than he’d intended. His frustration was draining away now, replaced by weariness and depression.“Just be there,” someone mimicked in a singsong voice.Sam closed his eyes, and for a moment he almost seemed to be asleep. Then he opened them again and managed a bleak smile. “Please. Be there,” he said quietly.He walked down the three steps and out of the church, knowing in his heart that few would answer his call.
Michael Grant
CUSTOMER: I’m always on night shift at work.BOOKSELLER (jokingly): Is that why you’re buying so many vampire novels?CUSTOMER (seriously): You can never be too prepared.
Jen Campbell
You are more likely to find three TVs inside a randomly selected house than you are to find a single book that is or was not read to pass an exam, to please God, or to be a better cook.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
I tell the squad a joke: "Stop me if you're heard this. There was a Marine of nuts and bolts, half robot--weird but true--whose every move was cut from pain as though from stone. His stoney little hide had been crushed and broken. But he just laughed and said, 'I've been crushed and broken before.' And sure enough, he had the heart of a bear. His heart functioned for weeks after it had been diagnosed by doctors. His heart weighed half a pound. His heart pumped seven hundred thousand gallons of warm blood through one hundred thousand miles of veins, working hard--hard enough in twelve hours to lift one sixty-five ton boxcar one foot off the deck. He said. The world would not waste the heart of a bear, he said. On his clean blue pajamas many medals hung. He was a walking word of history, in the shop for a few repairs. He took it on the chin and was good. One night in Japan his life came out of his body--black--like a question mark. If you can keep your head while others are losing theirs perhaps you have misjudged the situation. Stop me if you've heard this...
Gustav Hasford
We human beings regard ourselves as (or compare ourselves to) animals only when it suits us.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
If u want to work in Corporate, then u should know how to play Chess.
honeya
Fuck it... That's really the attitude that keeps a family together, it's not "we love each other", it's just "fuck it, man.
Louis C.K.
Death is number one on the list of things that we wish were possible to leave behind when we escaped barbarism.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
It is still cheating, even if nobody comes.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Most people who are would each not be in love with their partner, if they did not have the kind of genitals they have.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
I never was so immensely tickled by anything I had ever said before. I actually woke up twice during the night, and laughed till the bed shook.
George Grossmith
We often hear that mathematics consists mainly of 'proving theorems.' Is a writer's job mainly that of 'writing sentences?
Gian-Carlo Rota
I ought to be jealous of the tower. She is more famous than I am.
Gustave Eiffel
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