Humour Quotes - Page 9

The conflict hasn't gotten worst but the contest has really changed.............

I think if Jeremy Corbyn got a cloak, he'd make a very good Gandalf.

Shame comes in different doses.

But I saw your aura looking healthy again, then looking sick after a hunt. And you keep getting migraines. You should take better care of yourself,” he added mildly. “Look for ways to not be so tense – long walks, meditation, these things would help.”Alex suddenly felt like Seb was his therapist; he had to resist the urge to shake him.

Ah don't hate the English. They're just wankers. We are colonised by wankers. We can't even pick a decent, vibrant, healthy culture to be colonised by. No. We're ruled by effete arseholes. What does that make us?

Rock and roll, big band, the blues. He loved them all. He would close his eyes and with a blissful smile begin to move to his own sense of rhythm. It wasn't always pretty.

As thou know not what is the way of the spirit, nor how the bones do grow in the womb of her that is with child: even so thou know not the works of what makes all.

So, great. This is Camp…what do you call it? Camp Fish-Blood?”Aphros frowned. “I hope that was a joke. This is Camp __________.” He made a sound that was a series of sonar pings and hisses.

InsomniaI cannot get to sleep tonight.I toss and turn and flop.I try to count some fluffy sheepwhile o'er a fence they hop.I try to think of pleasant dreamsof places really cool.I don't know why I cannot sleep -I slept just fine at school.

We need our goats!” I yelled.I waded through the crowd until I reached our chariot. I grabbed Otis’s face and pressed my forehead against his.“Testing,” I whispered. “Is this goat on? Thor, can you hear me?”“You have beautiful eyes,” Otis told me.

Did you catch the time-of-great-suffering thing?”Her expression softened. “Can you just make sure I’m not around when it happens?”“No can do,” I said, strolling back to my office with a negating wave of my hand. “If I have to suffer, then so does everyone else within a ten-mile radius.”She pursed her lips. “What ever happened to taking one for the team?”“Was never much of a team player.”“Sacrificing yourself for the greater good?”“Not that into human sacrifice.”“Suffering in silence?”I stopped and turned back to her, my eyes narrowing accusingly. “If I have to suffer, I’ll be screaming your name at the top of my lungs the whole time. You’ll be able to hear me all the way to Jersey, mark my words.”- Charley to Cookie

When you begin to losing your audience, do not get loud; get quiet, make them find you and come back to you.

All the failures in my life freed me from all my fears so that I can succeed.

Time is the worst place, so to speak, to get lost in, as Arthur Dent could testify, having been lost in both time and space a good deal. At least being lost in space kept you busy.

They're saying that you and Sean Kendrick were burning up the cliffs." Tommy spins me again and grins at me. "And when I say you and Sean Kendrick, I mean you and Sean Kendrick. And by burning, I mean burning.

There was a steady throng of people in the market square now and a distinct buzz in the air with the sound of excited chatter alongside the clamour of heels on cobbles and the raised voices of the stallholders advertising their wares. Upon entering we bumped straight into Josie."All on your own?" Angela asked her."I've left Sooz looking round the antiques shops," Josie said, "I went in the first one with her but that was enough for me. I'm not into knick-knacks like she is. I much prefer a good book.""Something classical," I suggested."Oh yes, definitely," Josie replied, "I love the classics. I did have a look at the ones on sale in the shop.""But nothing took your fancy?""Not really. I was fingering 'Howard's End' for a while.""I bet that brought the colour back to his cheeks," I told her, "We'll see you at the coach later on."I grabbed Angela's arm and we walked off before Josie could ask what I meant.

A deep breath is a technique with which we minimize the number of instances where we say what we do not mean … or what we really think.

I've never written a quote I feel would be suitable for my gravestone. Wouldn't it be ironic if it were this one? Oh, and could you pull a few weeds while you're here?

You see football isn’t just about 90 minutes, it‘s about passion and, yes, if you like, about life. We men will do things under the umbrella of football fandom that we would never dream of doing in any other sphere of life, and within the pages that follow I will try and explain why.

We need to reclaim the word 'feminism'. We need the word 'feminism' back real bad. When statistics come in saying that only 29% of American women would describe themselves as feminist - and only 42% of British women - I used to think, What do you think feminism IS, ladies? What part of 'liberation for women' is not for you? Is it freedom to vote? The right not to be owned by the man you marry? The campaign for equal pay? 'Vogue' by Madonna? Jeans? Did all that good shit GET ON YOUR NERVES? Or were you just DRUNK AT THE TIME OF THE SURVEY?

I am of the opinion", Tharkay said, "that you ought not assign to free will something more likely the consequence of a sharp blow to the skull.

I hope you're not proposing to enslave us,' said Twoflower.Marchesa looked genuinely shocked. 'Certainly not! Whatever could have given you that idea? Your lives in Krull will be rich, full and comfortable-''Oh, good,' said Rincewind.'-just not very long.

Would you ask a man who bags groceries if he fears death not because it is death but because there are still some interesting groceries he would like to bag?

The only thing I hate about good people is that they like making their being good people bad people’s problem.

Having a kid is like an industrial revolution of the emotions. Suddenly you can mass produce worry, and guilt.

Please, amigo. We need you, Kimosabe, O Mighty Powerful One. We need you more than the earth rises in the west."The sun rises in the east, dickhead."Only if you're standing on the earth. If you're on the moon, the earth rises in the west.

Well I won't argue about the matter. You always want to argue about things.That is exactly what things were originally made for.

Most people do not mind dying, as long as that does not happen today.

If they succeed, you will not be packed off to some idyllic farm, where you can write bad poetry, we will both be executed.

No," he said, and he snapped his fingers. "You'll come work for me at K----. And be a real associate editor."I said, "I could bring you up on charges for that.""What?""Work harassment in the sexual place.

Lucas took a tentative sip of his coffee. It tasted like an otter had pissed in a tea urn and it had been left to go stale over a prolonged period.

Some people are still alive only because they find being dead more boring than being alive.

When you keep a secret from your parents, you're not trying to protect yourself. It's because you're trying to protect them.

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail, but a best friend will be sitting next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'!

For Children: You will need to know the difference between Friday and a fried egg. It's quite a simple difference, but an important one. Friday comes at the end of the week, whereas a fried egg comes out of a chicken. Like most things, of course, it isn't quite that simple. The fried egg isn't properly a fried egg until it's been put in a frying pan and fried. This is something you wouldn't do to a Friday, of course, though you might do it on a Friday. You can also fry eggs on a Thursday, if you like, or on a cooker. It's all rather complicated, but it makes a kind of sense if you think about it for a while.

Mzatal gave a decisive nod. “I willmanage this. It cannot continue to interferewith his work. Too much is at stake.”I raised an eyebrow. “How do youintend to manage it?”“I will tell him the truth and outline theconsequences.”I was surprised Mzatal didn’t shrivelaway from the look I gave him. “Dude.Seriously? You expect him to stopcrushing on me because you forbid it?”Mzatal frowned, contemplative.“Perhaps not ideal given the entanglementof human emotions, though there is no timefor it to drag on,” he said, as if he actuallyknew what he was talking about. “If heknows you have no interest and sees howhis distractions have affected his work, hewill subside enough for now.”My withering look became glacial.“Boss, you’re completely awesome inmany ways, but you are so off-base withthis it’s not even funny.” I rolled my eyes.“I’ve already ramped ‘No Interest’ up toeleven on the dial and, at this point, hedoesn’t care if his work suffers.” I took abig gulp of coffee, then ran my fingersthrough my tangled hair. “Let me deal withit. Normally I’m not into directconfrontation with this sort of shit, butthere’s isn’t enough time for it to fizzle outon its own.”Mzatal regarded me with that damnedunreadable mask which he’d slipped on asI was talking. Great. Lords weren’t muchon being told they were wrong, but it hadto be said.

Elsie eyed him puzzledly, and then offered, "Would you like to see my plate?

Now, whatever you do, don't say anything, because no one must know that Liberace is gay.""Excuse me?" I said. "I'm eight. I know he's gay.

For any given problem, if there's a simple solution it will already have been applied. So, perhaps, the solution isn't as simple as you think.

I always enjoy the day after a hangover. Each time it happens, it’s my own little victory over the demon drink.

Lost race?” The Prince studied Orayna, trying to see something inhuman in her. “Why have I never heard of these ‘Rathiuel’?”t“Because,” Azaroth rapped his knuckles on the Prince’s skull, “you do not care to read.

I want to reply with a long message, but if it's too long, that might be kind of revolting. But if it's too short, then I might come off as cold instead. Feeling apprehensive of what to do, I decided to reply back with a similar word count instead. This was what they called "mirroring" in psychology. By emulating the actions of the other party, your affection levels would increase!

Actually, I am a failed anorexic. I have anorexic thinking, but I can't seem to muster the behavoir

He deserves paradise who makes his companions laugh.

My name is Mr Bread." He began writing his name neatly on the board. "But you can call me Peter."Suddenly there was quiet, as thirty little brains whirred."Pita Bread!" proclaimed a ginger-haired boy from the back.

I’m Sam Donovan.” “I know who you are. Mrs. Kulavich told me. I’m Jaine Bright.” “I know. She told me. She even told me how you spell your name.” Now, how on earth had Mrs. Kulavich known that?

This bullet can go straight through the couch."He was right. Fuck Ikea for making such flimsy furniture.

Humour plays close to the big hot fire which is the truth and the reader feels the heat.

@mink: Well, you’re in luck, if you pick another movie. My hair is clean, I usually eat dinner around eight, and I’m currently single. Not that it matters.

It’s when your plans look dead that God’s resurrection power begins to operate in your life in greater measure

With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.

She whispers in my ear: ‘"Tell me that you wan' fuck me hard, make me sweat." In the excitement, she misses out a word. "I want to fuck you so hard that your body drips with sweat," I say, grammatically.

You do not respond to a mosquito bite with a hammer.

If therefore that which is sown be not turned upside down, and if the place where the evil is sown passes not away, then cannot it come that is sown with good?

the great advantage of really contemporary fiction is that one finds oneself mirror on every page

Men are mystifying creatures. For instance why do all men think their penis is a panacea for all the world’s problems?

It‘s quite simple, actually.”‖ He thought of a way to explain things to his friend in a language that Dez could understand. “Imagine that Khevala‘s a girl you fancy…”‖“Oh, now that I do understand!”‖“But she‘s put you in the friend zone,”‖ he resumed, unable to stop a little smirk from appearing on his face. “With no benefits of any kind, besides.”‖ The smirk turned into a dry chuckle as he watched the disappointed look that his explanation had put on Dez‘s face. “Only friends, Dez, that‘s it. You can go out with her, enjoy her company all you like, but you‘ll always have to keep your hands to yourself.”‖“I can look but I can‘t touch? Not even a little kiss, every now and then?”‖

I fall off horses," he explained to Loghain with a sickly grin. "It's this thing I do.

For the moment we might very well can them DUNNOS (for Dark Unknown Nonreflective Nondetectable Objects Somewhere).

I once went to one of his Virgin Vie parties and had a really good time watching Chas having a paddy whilst trying to put on Dave’s socks, before realising that he only had two feet, compared to Dave’s three.