Humour Quotes - Page 8

A laugh a day does you more good than an apple – read a humours book ...

News of the death of James V on 14 December gave even further cause for rejoicing, because his heir was a week-old girl, the infant Mary, Queen of Scots. Scotland would be subject to yet another weakening regency—it had endured six during the past 150 years—and should give no further trouble.

Oh, I love hugging. I wish I was an octopus, so I could hug 10 people at a time!

The Americans have perfected weather forecasts: a model presents a model of the Earth, a map, and jabs at it with her pointer – here and here, this is going to happen. Voodoo.

Inconvenience in progress, work is regretted.

Mma Ramotswe tucked the cheque safely away in her bodice. Modern business methods were all very well, she thought, but when it came to the safeguarding of money there were some places which had yet to be bettered.

We usually learn from debates that we seldom learn from debates.

Throughout time, we, as cats, have been worshipped by lower beings such as humans. Nothing has changed.

Luke diagnosed himself to be in love, and sought no cure for the disease.

Oh—and you need to work on making my opinion more important than Josh’s, too. I know it’s a stretch—he’s your most intimate relationship to date, but when you’re balls deep in my ass, I’d prefer you not be wondering if it counts as a workout.

Oh my God. Party punch. He’d brought a woman with the social age of twelve to the Citadel. He deserved everything he got.

Take it!" he snarled, hurling the diamond necklace across the table at his opponent. "And may you rot in hell with it!""I should not dream of intruding upon you there," replied Mr Brundy, bowing deeply from the waist.

Life without a pasta machine is like life without music!

Are you done briefing the company yet?""We, um... Haven't gotten through the introductions yet.""Allow me: Time-traveling Kevyn Andreyasn, this is the mercenary company "Tagon's Toughs.""Company, this is the time-traveling Kevyn Andreyasn, who will have become your captain thirty-two hours from now, as of seven weeks ago.Now, quick. Let's go save the galaxy while they're confused.

Oh, sheep. I've lost all my sobbing colours.

Whoever thou art that, not content with a moderate condition, imaginest happiness in royal magnificence, and dreamest that command or riches can feed the appetite of novelty with perpetual gratifications, survey the Pyramids, and confess thy folly!

In every step you take, keep your feet firmly on the ground.

Yves. You are goint to love him all over again when you meet him, believe me. You're married.' 'I'm what? But I can't be more than eighteen!' 'My son is very persuasive,' said Saul proudly.

He felt like a baked bean in a can, soaring through the air on a downward turn of a parabolic arc...

Theory of Evolution (Summary)First, there were some amoebas. Deviant amoebas adapted better to the environment, thus becoming monkeys. Then came Total Quality Management.

He with the cleanest clothes isn’t necessarily the cleanest.

There are two kinds of people in the world: those who love chocolate, and communists.

The real reason the number of things that are shared via social media every single minute is so astronomical is because, whenever they each do, most users do not share or say something because they believe they have something worth remembering; they do mainly or only because they fear being forgotten.

Even choosing the perfect dinner wine loses its earth-shattering importance if your guests happen to be cannibals, and you, the unsuspecting entree.

The Macedonian Endeavour Channel was screening live coverage of the world series of the Who’s Got the Stupidest Name (WGSN) competition. First prize had already gone to Brian Burdock, a French Algerian with a penchant for Longchamp.

The government are tightening up on ID for sales of tobacco and alcohol so I recommend that young people take more drugs.

In my time first cousins did not meet like strangers. But we are learning modesty from the Americans, and old English ways are too gross for us.

It was said that life was cheap in Ankh-Morpork. This was of course, completely wrong. Life was often very expensive; you could get death for free.

If you're too open-minded your brains will fall out.

I won’t have you calling me Miss Tuttle. That’s what the doc calls me. And the lady at the bank. One takes my temperature and the other my money. Friends don’t take anything—they give.

What sort of look are you going for?” Damn, how did he answer this? “Something…normal,” he finally said.

GUIL: It [Hamlet's madness] really boils down to symptoms. Pregnant replies, mystic allusions, mistaken identities, arguing his father is his mother, that sort of thing; intimations of suicide, forgoing of exercise, loss of mirth, hints of claustrophobia not to say delusions of imprisonment; invocations of camels, chameleons, capons, whales, weasels, hawks, handsaws -- riddles, quibbles and evasions; amnesia, paranoia, myopia; day-dreaming, hallucinations; stabbing his elders, abusing his parents, insulting his lover, and appearing hatless in public -- knock-kneed, droop-stockinged and sighing like a love-sick schoolboy, which at his age is coming on a bit strong.ROS: And talking to himself.GUIL: And talking to himself.

I’d bet a month of dawn patrols those apprentices had something to do with it,” Birchfall meowed. “Why else would they disappear back to ShadowClan without their mother?”Dustpelt let out a snort of amusement. “I can just picture those three holding Blackstar down until he agreed.

D'you think he would have thought ahead like that?" said Henry. "Assuredly," said Will. "The man's a strategist." He tapped his temple. "Like me.

Archie Henderson has won no awards, written no books and never played any representative sport. He was an under-11 tournament-winning tennis player as a boy, but left the game when he discovered rugby where he was one of the worst flyhalves he can remember. This did not prevent him from having opinions on most things in sport.His moment of glory came in 1970 when he predicted—correctly as it turned out—that Griquas would beat the Blue Bulls (then still the meekly named Noord-Transvaal) in the Currie Cup final. It is something for which he has never been forgiven by the powers-that-be at Loftus. Archie has played cricket in South Africa and India and gave the bowling term military medium a new and more pacifist interpretation. His greatest ambition was to score a century on Llandudno beach before the tide came in.

That's odd. It looks almost as if Nick is picking a fight with that elephant.""Well, the elephant started it.""That's irrelevant. Fighting with civilians is against the rules. Go break it up."-Admiral Breya Andreyasn & Sergeant Schlock

Some people wish they were as happy as or happy like some people think they are.

One group of riders doped, the others alongside them racing clean. You can work out for yourselves which group was fastest.

You were lookin’ at me like you wanted to kiss me.”I force a laugh. “Yeah, right,” I say sarcastically.“Nobody’s watchin’ if you want to, you know, try it. Not to brag, but I’m somewhat of an expert.

I looked at the stained-glass image of the lamb in the window above me, but that only reminded me that lambs are famous for being led to slaughter, or sometimes hanging out with lions in ill-advised relationships.

Now to me, Edith looks like something that would eat her young.

You need to be greedy or ignorant to truly want to live forever.

If God gives you a gift and you don't know what to do with it, it won't make you happy. Some of you God gave a wonderful husband but you can't make a home and some of you God gave a wonderful wife but you can't make a good husband. Some of you can't even unwrap the gift so that you can appreciate it.

And yet their reward appear not, and their labor had no fruit: for I have gone here and there through the heathen, and I see that they flow in wealth, and think not upon thy commandments.

These be they that have put off the mortal clothing, and put on the immortal, and have confessed the name of God: now are they crowned, and receive palms.

He went through the bills with the jaundiced eye of a China trader, asking himself not whether he had been stolen from, but where the theft had occurred. If he couldn’t find it, that would suggest his factor back home in Shanghai was either cleverer or more honest than he had thought, and Crane didn’t think he was particularly honest.

Jeese, I thought, fear choking me. I was being targeted by a ‘tangoed’ psychopath!

I am but a pawn on the chessboard of life!

Never worry if you’re excluded from the circle, sometimes it’s full of squares.

Accentuaute the positives - medicate the negatives.

I said, "I'll take the T-bone steak."A soft voice mooed, "Oh wow."And I looked up and realizedThe waitress was a cow.I cried, "Mistake--forget the the steak.I'll take the chicken then."I heard a cluck--'twas just my luckThe busboy was a hen.I said, "Okay no, fowl today.I'll have the seafood dish."Then I saw through the kitchen doorThe cook--he was a fish.I screamed, "Is there anyone workin' hereWho's an onion or a beet?No? Your're sure? Okay then friends,A salad's what I'll eat."They looked at me. "Oh,no," they said,"The owner is a cabbage head.

All I know about humour is that I don't know anything about it.

Check-ups are, in my experience, a grave mistake; all they do is allow the quack of your choice to tell you that you have some sort of complaint that you were far happier not knowing about.

When he pursed his lips and dropped a hand into his coat pocket, the last thing Nur expected him to pull out was a cricket ball. "I'd hoped for a disruptor at least," she muttered reprovingly. The Doctor slipped three fingers around the ball and hefted it experimentally. "I thought we'd try something a little less excessive." He breathed gently on to the maroon leather and polished it on his leg as the Sontaran finally tossed the Kshatriya aside and stopped to pick up its fallen weapon. He stepped around the corner, sighting along his free arm as the Sontaran straightened, its back fully turned. The cricket ball flashed down the length of the corridor in the blink of an eye, punching into the back of the Sontaran's collar and ricocheting away. To Nur's astonishment, the alien spasmed and crashed to the floor like a falling tree. "Out for a duck," the Doctor commented, blowing across his fingertips. "I've never seen anything killed by a cricket ball before." "You haven't yet. He'll wake up in a few minutes.

His jaw was set, telling me I should back off. Unfortunately, being a gobby cow meant I couldn’t.

My Teacher Sees Right Through MeI didn’t do my homework.My teacher asked me, “Why?”I answered him, “It’s much too hard.”He said, “You didn’t try.” I told him, “My dog ate it.”He said, “You have no dog.”I said, “I went out running.”He said, “You never jog.” I told him, “I had chores to do.”He said, “You watched TV.”I said, “I saw the doctor.”He said, “You were with me.” My teacher sees right through my fibs,which makes me very sad.It’s hard to fool the teacherwhen the teacher is your dad.

Tears streamed down my face. I was so happy I wanted to shout it from the rooftop. But at the same time I knew that that afternoon's downpour would have made the slate tiles so slippery that achieving any kind of purchase would have been impossible.

Let me go!" She tore off a mirror and brandished it in his face. "I mean it! I don't want to go to your godforsaken hellbarn, you retarded psycho farmer!

I am driven. Being driven is my energy source. It is my fun.…I believe that where there is action, there is movement, and those ripples will eventually produce something positive.

I do not have any trust fund, I have always trusted God for all my funds.