Humour Quotes - Page 58

You're very lovely, gatita."Her brows pulled together, and she gave him a skeptical stare."Do not look at your master as if he's an idiot.

I put my pants on one leg at a time, just like everyone else. It's the way I take them OFF that makes me better than you.

No sir," said Mr Molloy. "I'm mighty sorry I can't meet you in any way, but the fact is I'm all fixed up in Oil. Oil's my dish. I began in Oil and I'll end up in Oil. I wouldn't be happy outside of Oil.""Oh?" said Mr Carmody, regarding this Human Sardine with as little open hostility as he could manage on the spur of the moment.

In the morning sow thy seed, and in the evening withhold not thine hand: for thou know not whether shall prosper, either this or that, or whether they both shall be alike good.

Mr. Brundy, you are no doubt as well acquainted with my circumstances as I am with yours, so let us not beat about the bush. I have a fondness for the finer things in life, and I suppose I always will. As a result, I am frightfully expensive to maintain. I have already bankrupted my father, and have no doubt I should do the same to you, should you be so foolhardy as to persist in the desire for such a union. Furthermore, I have a shrewish disposition and a sharp tongue. My father, having despaired of seeing me wed to a gentleman of my own class, has ordered me to either accept your suit or seek employment. If I married you, it would be only for your wealth, and only because I find the prospect of marriage to you preferable –but only slightly!- to the life of a governess or a paid companion. If, knowing this, you still wish to marry me, why, you have only to name the day.”Having delivered herself of this speech, Lady Helen waited expectantly for Mr. Brundy’s stammering retraction. Her suitor pondered her words for a long moment, then made his response.“’ow about Thursday?

Homework, I Love YouHomework, I love you. I think that you’re great.It’s wonderful fun when you keep me up late.I think you’re the best when I’m totally stressed,preparing and cramming all night for a test. Homework, I love you. What more can I say?I love to do hundreds of problems each day.You boggle my mind and you make me go blind,but still I’m ecstatic that you were assigned.Homework, I love you. I tell you, it’s true.There’s nothing more fun or exciting to do.You’re never a chore, for it’s you I adore.I wish that our teacher would hand you out more.Homework, I love you. You thrill me inside.I’m filled with emotions. I’m fit to be tied.I cannot complain when you frazzle my brain.Of course, that’s because I’m completely insane.

Eunice had deposited St John upon the balcony of the first-floor apartment of former Liberal MP, The Rt. Hon. Leonard Cossins, the disgraced Lord Mayor of Mitchell-Baines who had been removed from office having been caught administering counterfeit buttercup syrup to the local yeomanry whilst on a hunting trip to Stoke-Poges.

Go Ahead, call me all the names you want," Sansa said airily. "You won't dare when I'm married to Joffrey. You'll have to bow and call me Your Grace." She shrieked as Arya flung the orange across the table. It caught her in the middle of the forehead with a wet squish and plopped down into her lap."You have juice on your face, Your Grace ," Arya said.

Then the Dean repeated the mantra that has had such a marked effect on the progress of knowledge throughout the ages.“Why don’t we just mix up absolutely everything and see what happens?” he said.And Ridcully responded with the traditional response.“It’s got to be worth a try,” he said.

THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait.

The average adult has had sex innumerable times more than they have formed an opinion of their own.

Two wrongs never add up to a right. But it's okay, I always sucked at maths.

Some people are each holding on to a lover of theirs who no longer loves them and/or who they no longer love, only because they do not want to have a reason or another reason to be jealous of the person who would eventually be their lover if they let go of them.

So what we are right now is a pair of dickweeds in a hotel room in Sydney. My life is royally fucked up right now and from where I’m sitting, your life is even bloody worse.

You're asking the cyborg fugitive and the wild animal to be the welcoming committee? That's adorable.

Not everyone who condemns masturbation can masturbate.

And at that moment the alligators burst into the room.

I was proud to be brown in my own way. Well, I was at school; at school I was brown about the funky stuff that came with being vegetarian, like being really arrogant about it, declaring proudly to a room full of beefeaters when Mad Cow disease initially broke that it was 'Vishnu's way of telling y'all to stop eating and start worshipping'.

Casting my own eye down Fifth Avenue as my belly swelled, I would register with incredulity: Every one of these people came from a woman's cunt.

Then he started his period.One week in bed.Two doctors in.Three painkillers four times a day.And later a letter to the powers-that-bedemanding full-paid menstrual leave twelve weeks per year.

When I write, it feels like there are two little creatures that sit on each of my shoulders. One whispers, "You can do this. You've got what it takes." The other sounds like my mother-in-law.

It is meant to be survival of the fittest, not survival of the most floral.

No! Aguaje is for girls. If a man eats to much of it, he starts to look like a woman.That is the most unscientific thing I've ever heard.Then you haven't met my cousin Jacari. Too much aguaje. Now the mothers use him as wet nurse.

It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate.

Must be frustrating being a scientist. There you are, incrementally discovering how the universe works via a series of complex tests and experiments, for the benefit of all mankind - and what thanks do you get? People call you "egghead" or "boffin" or "heretic", and they cave your face in with a rock and bury you out in the wilderness. Not literally - not in this day and age - but you get the idea. Scientists are mistrusted by huge swathes of the general public, who see them as emotionless lab-coated meddlers-with-nature rather than, say, fellow human beings who've actually bothered getting off their arses to work this shit out.

Her eyes widened. I assumed in alarm, but who the hell knew what was going on in her stubborn head. I took the coffee cup from her hand and rested it on the grass next to mine. I leaned in toward her slowly. Her eyes remained steady on mine. Just as I was so close I could feel her warm erratic breath on my face, her hand landed on my chest.“What are you doing?” she whispered.Maintaining eye contact I smiled, reached out, held the back of her head and pulled her closer still. “What I should have done ten years ago.” ~ Preston, A Perfect Moment

It's hard to sleep when you have thirty two million quids worth of stolen jewellery hidden under the mattress.

Indeed, it may most verily be saidThat only death and taxes certain are.

Damn straight" said Connor. " So yeah, I look at you and I could suck start a leaf blower, or drill a Kevin-shaped body hole into the wall, like a cartoon.

Life summed up with a marketing slogan: Limited Edition!

Most women would each be left with fewer dreams or without a dream, if the institution of marriage were to be abolished.

An oyster has hardly any more reasoning power than a scientist has; and so it it is reasonably certain that this one jumped to the conclusion that the nineteen million years was a preparation for him; but that would be just like an oyster, which is the most conceited animal there is, except man. And anyway, this one could not know, at that early date, that he was only an incident in a scheme, and that there was some more in the scheme yet.

God always have a perfect way for every imperfect situations.

Believe me, Dirk; I've been in this game a long time and I know what I'm talking about. I've seen it all; wife swapping during a coach tour of Norfolk churches, orgies at a pensioners' whist drive in Somerset; a mystery weekend where the real mystery turned out to be, what was Mr Preston doing hanging upside down in the wardrobe with an apple in his mouth.

The grain of evil seed had been sown in the heart of Adam from the beginning, and how much ungodliness had it brought up unto this time? and how much shall it yet bring forth until the time of threshing come?

What are you boys doing?” she asks, as if we’re still little kids messing around.“Arguin’,” Carlos says matter-of-factly.

Most sane human beings’ chances of being alive in a thousand years’ time are a hundred times higher than their chances of being sincerely happy for at least ten consecutive days.

Edward lives as if there is no tomorrow, Richard as if he wants no tomorrow, and George as though someone should give it to him for free.

Wainscott, Deepspace Operations Group,’ said the man. ‘Wasn’t here, don’t exist, pleased to meet you.

NC passed law against global warming science, therefore it's not happening. So I'm ignoring Twitter's 140-character limit, so it's not happ

Having one eye makes you see the world in unusual ways, Shockwave..." -Overlord

The hardest part about walking away from someone is the part where you realize that, no matter how slowly you go, they will never run after you.

Save time, worry about everything all at once!

Comedy is hard work. People expect you to be funny 24/7. So if you're not constantly cracking up your friends, it can hurt you professionally. They may not read your book or come to your show. 'She's a comedian? She's not that funny!' It's unfair 'cause when cardio surgeon friends say they cut chests open and hold hearts in their hands, everyone just takes their word for it.

Five minutes after something happened might not be the best time for you to get into your Facebook and tell everybody. Men's panic does not produce God's power.

A Prayer was like a tickle.Sooner or later God would have to look down to see what was tickling his bum.

It's very important my parent's don't think I'm starting to fall in love with people, because then they might notice that I'm growing up, and I'm kind of trying to keep it a secret. I think it will cause an incident

I am never taking a trip with either of you ever again.' Eve said. 'Ever.'Excellent' Shane said. 'Then next trip, we hit the strip bar.'I have a gun, Shane,' Eve sighed.What, you think i actually loaded yours?'Eve flipped him off, and Claire laughed.

What did the soup say to the tea plate? "You're too shallow for me. I like deep dish to dip right into!" I still keep my British humour in good taste. No room for egos or rumours.

People who say you can't do something should be ignored. They're probably talking to themselves.

If they were going to be like that, then I just wished they hadn't actually been German. It was too easy. Too obvious. It was like coming across an Irishman who actually was stupid, a mother-in-law who actually was fat, or an American businessman who actually did have a middle initial and smoked a cigar. You feel as if you are unwillingly performing in a music-hall sketch and wishing you could rewrite the script. If Helmut and Kurt had been Brazilian or Chinese or Latvian or anything else at all, they could then have behaved in exactly the same way and it would have been surprising and intriguing and, more to the point from my perspective, much easier to write about. Writers should not be in the business of propping up stereotypes. I wondered what to do about it, decided that they could simply be Latvians if I wanted, and then at last drifted off peacefully to worrying about my boots.

As we all know, as if forever exploiting or attempting to exploit each other were not enough, a group of sane human beings who have just reached the end of a war against a common enemy of theirs will sooner or later start or continue killing and/or fighting against each other.

Well, dearest, what would you tell a farmer who had an over-abundant harvest? To plant less, of course!"..."I am not complaining about the frequency of the planting," she said. "I’d just rather not reap a crop every year.

Evil influence is like a nicotine patch, you cannot help but absorb what sticks to you.

He tends to go for girls who are-Shelby, honey? Put your hands over your ears for just a sec.” Back into the phone he said, “He likes the real slutty ones. Ow!” he yelled when he received a whop to the back of the head.

I walk. I talk. I shop. I sneeze. I'm gonna be a fireman when the floods roll back. There's trees in the desert since you moved out, and I don't sleep on a bed of bones.

One of the main functions of a push-up bra is to lower the number of mothers who seem like mothers.

Here's a health to our Captain, so gallant and freeWhether stuck on a rock or asleep 'neath a treeOr rolled in the arms of some nymph of the seaWhich is where we would all like to be, man!

Had a cold hummus with pita bread, Under a delicious food, yellow or red. Might just have the appetite to cook Urgent dinner by hook or crook.So that's just a humus humor spread.

I began to feel like a kept man and it felt great.