Humour Quotes - Page 52

I believe that to be kept from evil is better than to be healed from sickness.

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired,' said Maxie.'I know how that feels,' said Blue.'I think some Pharaoh had that carved on his tomb,' Maxie added.'Yeah? Times don't change much, do they?

But we all had an agreement to let each other get away with everything! That's Capitalism!

How do I look?" he asked.Barret grinned. "Old."Moog glanced over appraisingly. "Tired."Gabriel snorted a laugh. "Fuck you guys.

Humanity, let us say, is like people packed in an automobile which is traveling downhill without lights at terrific speed and driven by a four-year-old child. The signposts along the way are all marked 'Progress.

The torturer was wheeling around the room, shrieking, holding his impaled hand, which had a pen sticking out of it. The guard by the door was in paroxysms of laughter. Frey had crumpled the confession into a ball and was trying to get it into his mouth to eat it, but couldn't quote reach.

An extreme fearfulness moves through all your body, and your mind is troubled more.

No one has the ability to laugh at their misfortunes like the women of the East End.

Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog. You understand it better but the frog dies in the process.

Don’t kiss me,” she said warningly.“I don’t intend to,” he replied, smiling a little. “I don’t have my whip and chair with me.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

Our friend Chewy doesn’t speak much, but he chews a lot of tobacco so we call him Chewbacco.

Remember you’re all representing your country, and you ought to behave as the Empire does.’ ‘So we can kill and loot at will, steal their goods and claim the planet as our own?’ Suruk said.

I thought you guys could detect witches." Jonathan muttered as soon as he got over his shock at seeing two people materialise in front of him. The wiccan sat on the floor, his shoulder being strapped with a makeshift bandage, by the ever-practical Ian."We detect magic, not witches." Hunter clarified. "We can't feel anything out of the ordinary, unless they start casting.""Oh fantastic!" Jonathan groaned. "I'll remember that excuse later.

Shocked my old friend from China, Deja Vu, when I turned up at his door without notice.

A man should never miss an opportunity to keep his mouth shut.

A text pops up on the screen. It’s from Luis. I can’t help but grin when I read his perfectly thought-out me

Yes, you are still grieving for the fact that Olly is not loving you as you love him. But death is no solution. Certainly not this horrible, messy death. Could you at least not consider possible option that is not leaving you looking diabolical at funeral?"Oh, for the love of God.

It is a fool of a shepherd who culls his dogs.

I always pick a gorgeous time to fall over a suitcase or something.

When in court, the primary role of lawyers is not to prove or disprove innocence; unbeknown to almost all lawyers and their clients, it is to save the court time.

Colon thought Carrot was simple. Carrot often struck people as simple. And he was.Where people went wrong was thinking that simple meant the same thing as stupid.

Tempted to type meaningless twaddle all the time on Twitter...with alliteration, no less!

O Lord that bear rule, who may know these things, but he that had not his dwelling with men?

But he survived, that radio announcer. His ship and five others out of the flotilla of ten came through, a bit radioactive, but otherwise unharmed. And I understand that the first thing that happened to him when he reported back to his office after treatmentwas a reprimand for the use of overcolloquial language which had given offense to a number of listeners by its neglect of the Third Commandment.

Well, some men learn by listening, some read, some observe and analyze — and some of us just have to pee on the electric fence.

I am who I am and that's who I am

With him big Phil from Notting Hill an old "face" from the sixties a pin up gangster with a "mars bar" weal scraping his left cheek and of course two "wag" slags in tow trussed up like French Poodles with "Bratz babe" stares and Gucci Handbags

What is Gornite? Why can't you heat it? Will it make you laugh? - I hope so

Who decided it's a phobia in the first place? What if I just don't want to get married ever. Just like I don't want to live in Jharkhand ever. Somehow I can say that as loud as I want and as many times as I want, yet nobody will ask me to see the shrink about my Jharkhand phobia. Why?

It took Pueblo a few seconds to take in his surroundings. The first thing he realised was that he felt bruised all over; the second was that his clothes were waterlogged, even more than before, from the quicksand; and the third, was that he had landed on his front and was lying on a large, uncomfortable stone.No, wait… In his disoriented state, he shifted his weight. The stone didn't move. He was lying on his own fucking erection.

Among other possibilities, money was invented to make it possible for a foolish man to control wise men; a weak man, strong men; a child, old men; an ignorant man, knowledgeable men; and for a dwarf to control giants.

To evade arrogance, remind yourself (from time to time) that your talent or success could have been better. To be thankful, remind yourself (every now and then) that your illness or failure could have been worse.

I daresay something will happen, between now and ’91, to make your fortunes look up.

In life, more than in anything else, it isn’t easy to end up alive.

Ty didn't think Middleton was a great girl. He thought Middleton was a pain in the ass. Waltzing around with her shiny hair and long legs and her throaty voice, being cuter than a fistful of buttons. Where did she get off?

Sir Hamish Graham has many of the qualities & most of the failings that result from being born to a middle-class Scottish family. He was well educated, hard working & honest, while at the same time being narrow-minded, uncompromising & proud.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man, and our politicians take advantage of this prejudice by pretending to be even more stupid than nature made them.

Give me a fucking pre-med you fuckers, I'm a personal friend of Sir Lancelot Spratt.

I want you to move in with me, man.""Nah. I appreciate it, but I need to get a place of my own. I'm a grownup.

I want you to know, chickens aren’t sexy. Not to me.”This was met with silence.“Are you there?” She was slurring her words now, which was embarrassing, so she took a deep breath. “Cam? Can you hear me?”“Yes, chickens aren’t sexy. Uh…I don’t think they’re meant to be.

Learn to eat with your enemies all around you but most of all thank God for his presence. Keep your eyes fixed to the presence of God in the presence of your enemies.

Mother Goose!I have never much cared for flippant remarks, especially when others make them, and in particular, I don't give a frog's fundament for them when they come from an adult.

God always sees me with no make-ups on because He knew how we started.

The course of true love never die run smooth

Max?' he asked.'Yeah?''...What are you doing?''Shooting people.

His Scotch bear-leader, Mr Boswell, was a butt of the first quality.

Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility.

I wanted to make at least an effort to impress, so I found my best suit, a Primark special that looked like it had been ironed by a blind man

God made my enemies to serve me in my absence. God made the things that conspired to destroy me feed me into the place that He was preparing for me. I am a big girl and I can handle trouble and my enemies.

On growing peonies:The fact that a flower as gentle and delightful as the peony should be so exacting and dictate such harsh terms hits me with the force of a cold shower. It's just like my girlfriends when I was a teenager, it was always the loveliest and most yielding ones who ran everything...[and] According to the English gardening book, peonies are so fussy that you might as well not bother. You'd need to go back generations to discover the composition of the soil, you'd have to go right back to the Big Bang to find out how the elements are distributed in your garden.

The table was covered with food like roast chicken, roast potatoes, roast parsnips, roast turkey, roast liquorice and, the centrepiece, a roasted knight.

Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.

While studying my bible, I noticed that all the miracle Jesus did was never magical, the people that received their healing call it the blind man, the woman with the issue of blood, lazarus, the man they threw through the ceiling to him etc, had one thing in common. I didn't call it faith but I call it action. ...they made a move and was ready to make a shift and a change.Lessons to learn from here; faith without work better put without action is dead. Secondly, miracle will never find you in your sitting room, you need to make a move in order to find it. Third, God can only start the work in your life only with what you have left not what you do not have. Fourth, do your own part and then allow God to do the one you cannot do. Fifth, always be ready for a change. Sixth, when you have done everything and nothing seems to work....Call on JESUS...I am a living withness, He always starts when we are tired.

Why are you wailing away? What is the matter with you?”“I was playing and—“ and her lip quivered as she spoke, “—and it was cloudy, and then—“ a sniff, “—and then, as I was playing, the sun came out.”I gave her a flat look. “You’re crying because the sun came out?”“Yes,” she moped, wiping the tears from her eyes, “the sun came out, and now—“ she heaved, “—and now, it’s hot! I don’t like it when it’s hot. Being hot is dumb!”I immediately absolved her of all previous sins. I slumped over the sill and gave her as much sympathy as my now warm face allowed. “Yes, child, being hot is very dumb indeed. Very well, you have a reason for crying. But then why are you outside?”“Because it was too hot inside and mommy won’t let me have ice cream.”“Well, there is your problem. You must get an air conditioner and a new mother.

Some people would not be dead if they have not gotten the things or people they had prayed for.

You dress her in a wet T-shirt and make her carry the bags? Damn, Cade, I like how you roll" - Rok

Evil is real but God is greater.

Whenever He answers prayers, God usually prioritizes those by people who, instead of their mouths, have prayed with their hands and/or feet.

-You forgot something important!-What?-It's under my sweater!-WHAT?!-Me!