Humour Quotes - Page 46

People throw stones at you and you convert them into milestones.

He often came back ‘all thinky’ from work.

Never look in the mirror when your stressed it’s contagious

Wait, how do most people make friends? I've only done it once. There has to be an easier way of going abouit it than getting thrown around and bleeding all over the place. But both of us went through that. So maybe...Nosebleeds = Friendship Maybe friends are drawn to bloodsheed. You know. Like sharks.

Parents never you make church and studying the word of God optional for your children. If they are in your house, get them up, teach them the word of God, the greatest awards, PhD or achievements any child could have is to grow up in the word of God. I and my family are living witness and it is extending to our third generation.

Don't talk for five minutes, there's a good chap! I've a strange feeling come over me--almost as if I were going to think!

Queen Bee hates me. I know, as I reach the door, that nothing good waits for me on the other side. When you're called to see the Commanding Officer, you're either getting a medal or a kick in the arse.And I'm not getting any medals.

Let's put it like this; men like Berkley, like me, we don't get a no for an answer, a girl who says no is like a... like a unicorn, and we all want to **** the unicorn!

My philosophy in life is to eat, drink and investigate - in that order.

I stood in the corridor feeling like an angry pebble. It didn't matter where I rolled off to. The mystery and treachery of the world continued, and a pebble like me could get angry over anything it liked and it wouldn't do any good. Librarians not reading, I thought to myself. Sometimes I don't know why I bother.

Three Denises wobbled in front of her, all of them watching her with fond concern. “You’re a sweetie. I appreciate you cheering me on from the sidelines. But I think I need to go to the bathroom now and throw up.

...methinks the older that one grows, Inclines us more to laugh the scold, though laughterLeaves us so doubly serious shortly after.

I'm too old to know everything

Hunter could only groan. “What are you doing, Kristen?”“Bringing breakfast.” She replied innocently. “Think of it as thanks for saving my life.”Hunter sat up in bed, looking his usual ruffled morning mess, with extra dark circles under the eyes today. “Technically, I didn’t save your life, Mel did.”“Ok, then think of it as punishment for putting my life at risk.” Kristen shrugged, and helped herself to a piece of toast. “It’s all a ruse, anyway.

Rebellion is all we'll be talking about. Love is revolution, a kind of coup d'état and cultural reprogramming in its own little way.

I, being born a woman and distressedBy all the needs and notions of my kind,Am urged by your propinquity to findYour person fair, and feel a certain zestTo bear your body's weight upon my breast;So subtly is the fume of life designed,To clarify the pulse and cloud the mind,And leave me once again undone, possessed.Think not for this, however, the poor treasonOf my stout blood against my staggering brain,I shall remember you with love, or seasonMy scorn with pity, - let me make it plain:I find this frenzy insufficient reasonFor conversation when we meet again.

You’re so damn big,” she whispered.“Why, thank you cariño,” he said.

Our problems started in Dallas, when the fire-breathing sheep destroyed the King Tut exhibit.

He was under the mistaken impression that I didn't have enough tact.The truth was, I had no tact.

So Basically I'm the Antichrist , and the whole world is fucked because of me" - Jordon Hanson.

Another strike of lightening – now accompanied by the deep-bellied rumble, and the horse reared, incidentally setting Henry very picturesquely against the inconstant moon. Alas, Catherine was deeply engaged in her argument with Old Edric and this missed entirely the melodramatic display. But we may assume that, possessing so strong an imagination, Catherine had often pictured Henry thus...

I want a magical horse that fits in my pocket," Wil said. "And a ring of red amber that gives me power over demons. And an endless supply of cake.

Can you tell me the difference between a witch and a wizard?Sure, a wizard is what they call you when they want to hire you, and a witch is what they call you when they're getting ready to run you out of town.

Nobody is too holy for the devil's attack, even your tithes and offerings won't stop him either but God rebukes the devourer through your giving.

I imagine hell like this: Italian punctuality, German humour and English wine.

You can only fight one man at a time with a sword, but, with a pen, you can compose a lecture to bore legions of enemy troops to death.

To increase the chances of a writer trying to kill themselves, cut off their hands.

I blame Doctor Who. Mr Spock. The Scooby Gang: both the ones in the Mystery Machine and the ones with the stakes. I've spent my life with stories of people who don't walk away, who go back for their friends, who make that last stand. I've been brainwashed by Samwise Gamgee.

On the whole human beings want to be good, but not too good, and not quite all the time.

One grey hair appeared on my headI plucked it out with my hand.It answered me: "You have prevailed against me alone -What will you do when my army comes after me?

The only way to get through life is to laugh your way through it. You either have to laugh or cry. I prefer to laugh. Crying gives me a headache.

But I, when I undress meEach night, upon my kneesWill ask the Lord to bless meWith apple-pie and cheese.

The clown knows that life is cruel. The ancient jester's motley coloured costume turned his usually melancholy expression in to a joke. The clown is used to loss. Loss is his prologue.

So what does that actually mean?''To be honest, Ghastly, I haven't a bull's notion.''Elder Bespoke should be addressed by his full title,' Tipstaff said.'Of course,' Skulduggery said. 'To be honest, Your Highness, I haven't a bull's notion.

Shit happens. You can either stand their and complain about the smell or you can wipe your shoe and keep walking.

Spy' is such a short ugly word. I prefer 'espionage.' Those extra three syllables really say something.

Nothing humbles a beautiful woman better than not being wanted by a man whose girlfriend or wife is ugly (or not as beautiful as she is).

From time to time I show up in myself just long enough for people to know they are not in the room alone.

Armageddon was yesterday, today we have a serious problem.

Bucks, doe — thank God everything boils down to money, I always say.""During mating season the doe constructs a bed for herself, and then she urinates all around the outside of it. That's how she gets her mate.""So that's it," murmured Odette. "I was always peeing in the bed.

He dunked his tea bag and watched the results critically. “I really must get a new supplier. This tea is pathetic. America just doesn’t understand tea at all.

If I let you go are you going to hit me again?”“What do you think?”“Then I’m not going to let you go.

You know why horror-movie characters always get killed? Because they've never seen horror movies. They don't know how it works. Right? But we do. So no one go into the basement alone. No one go screaming off into the woods alone. No one has any sex.

Seduction is merely encouraging a man to do something he already wants to do.

It might have interested Newt to know that, of the thirty-nine thousand women tested with the pin during the centuries of witch-hunting, twenty-nine thousand said “ouch,” nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine didn’t feel anything because of the use of the aforesaid retractable pins, and one witch declared that it had miraculously cleared up the arthritis in her leg.

The land, that thou see now to have root, shall thou see wasted suddenly.

Me? I like wearing a condom. It means I'm having sex. I already spend most of my time NOT wearing one. It's like a tuxedo - I enjoy putting one on for special occasions.

I just think the world ought to be more sort of organized.''That's just fantasy,' said Twoflower.'I know. That's the trouble.' Rincewind sighed again.

Like as thou canst do none of these things that I have spoken of, even so canst thou not find out my judgment, or in the end the love that I have promised unto my people.

If I could do it all again, I would start three hundred years ago, and write twice as fast.

When danger reared its ugly head, He bravely turned his tail and fled.

An old battleax of a woman said to Winston Churchill, "If you were my husband I would put poison in your tea." Churchill's response, "Ma'am if you were my wife I would drink it.

What nature hath joined together, multiple regression analysis cannot put asunder.

In a Pyongyang restaurant, don't ever ask for a doggie bag.

I remember one incident which bears upon this part of the treatise. The gentleman who gave it to me had asked to see my tobacco-pipe; he examined it carefully, and when he came to the little protuberance at the bottom of the bowl he seemed much delighted, and exclaimed that it must be rudimentary. I asked him what he meant."Sir," he answered, "this organ is identical with the rim at the bottom of a cup; it is but another form of the same function. Its purposes must have been to keep the heat of the pipe from marking the table upon which it rested. You would find, if you were to look up the history of tobacco-pipes, that in early specimens this protuberance was of a different shape to what it is now. It will have been broad at the bottom, and flat, so that while the pipe was being smoked the bowl might rest upon the table without marking it. Use and disuse must have come into play and reduced the function its present rudimentary condition. I should not be surprised, sir," he continued, "if, in the course of time, it were to become modified still farther, and to assume the form of an ornamental leaf or scroll, or even a butterfly, while in some cases, it will become extinct.

We are sometimes hurt mostly or only not by what happened or is happening to us but by being felt sorry for.

Well,’said Ernest, ‘by some strange coincidence I know this story.’Boddichek was not good at irony. ‘I knew that there was that possibility,’ he said, ‘but we have a great new way to treat it, and I thought you might want to reread it before taking a meeti

No body told you to call your band Salacious Mold, my friend.

The library could be summed up in three words – enormous, ancient and dusty – extremely dusty. It was exactly like those magnificent libraries you more or less see in every gothic movie. What’s more, I was thankful that I was not an asthmatic, for this was most definitely their form of hell.

The average adult hates being treated like a child, unless it suits them.