Humour Quotes - Page 42

You seem to like helping, taking care of people," he said. "That is admirable.""You enjoy being nurtured?""Well, that isn’t all you promise. When you touch me, I feel a fire at my center. You want me to grow and find my true story, my purpose. You seem to want to be there when I see new things. You want to share and enjoy my discoveries.

Your brother was a terrible traitor, I know, but if we start killing men at weddings they’ll be even more frightened of marriage than they are presently.

Resilience, thy name is Devine.

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In a mounting panic the samnite hefted his rifle and delivered a blast straight to Skullhammer's chest, point blank. Once again, torment and debilitation failed to ensue. 'Well, this is awkward,' said Juno.

The man in 4B wondered if he could have your autograph. He told me his daughter is a huge fan.”

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a sane employee in possession of his wits must be in want of a good manager.

Most sane human beings who are over the age of six usually act or react not as per what they genuinely feel or really think but in accordance with the expectations of those around them.

Swinging the door open, I took a sip. All of the coffee in the world wouldn't help if more visitors showed up at my door this early in the morning but the caffeine fortification was a bonus. The delivery guy pushed his clipboard at me. I held up my cup and raided my eyebrows.We had an entire conversation in the next seven seconds with our eyes and eyebrows.I told him that I wasn't giving up my coffee for his delivery. He told me that if I'd just sign on the damned dotted line he would get the hell out of here.I replied in turn that if he'd hold the clipboard instead of shoving it at me (I threw in a nod here for good measure), I'd sign the damned line.He finally sighed, turned the clipboard around and held the pen out.I braced the door with my hip, grabbed the pen and scrawled Wilma Flinstone on the paper.

Dating someone exclusively for four months in New York is like four years in Anchorage.

Carlos, are we in complete understanding with each other?”“Yeah,” I say. “As long as it’s not in your house and you don’t know about it, you’re okay with us messin’ around.”“I know you’re joking with me. You are joking with me, aren’t you?”“Maybe.

May a man live well-, and long-enough, to leave many joyful widows behind him.

It's the old headpiece that makes a man, the rest is all rubbish.

Ascott scrambled for his dive knife, he and waved the four- inch blade between himself and the octopus. The floating sack of tentacles hesitated and then all eight of its arms snapped forward. Curled in the tip of each was a variety of sharpened implements, from swords and dive knives to a fishing spear. The large unblinking eyes seemed to be saying, Your move.

A despairing arse will never produce a happy fart.

Marry me. You'll learn to love me, I promise.

There’s always time for arguin’ when you’re a Fuentes.

Oh shit did you just dis the feminine genderI'll pummel your ass then stick you in a blenderYou think I like Tori and Ani so I can't rhymeBut I got flow like Ghostbusters got slimeObjectify women and it's fuckin' onYou'll be dead and gone like ancient Babylon.

If you don't remove your hands immediately, I will render you unable to biologically maintain life.

The big bad monster wasn't green and hiding under the bed, it wore tasteless floral prints, bright scarlet lipstick and sat in the kitchen smoking and saying 'bollocks' alot.

It looked like the sort of book described in library catalogues as 'slightly foxed', although it would be more honest to admit that it looked as though it had been badgered, wolved and possibly beared as well.

Hey, Carrots," he says.

Funny how you never hear novelists or painters say they work in the 'creative industries', but only squalid little advertising people. How could this be? (.....)If you listen to advertisers, you'd think they're the fucking Oracle and that for a fee they'll slip you the Answer. They are obsessed with being seen as 'creative', but what they do seems rather to be 'parasitical' : pinching cultural innovations and using them to persuade people that they want stuff. So there's a dilemma for us all to think 'creatively' about.

If a wizard should take up residence in your garden and requests food, you are obliged to feed him.

Do not demean yourself by stating the ridiculous," Grimalkin replied smoothly. Just because my species is vastly superior does not mean you should flaunt your idiocy freely. I know why you are here, dog.""Really", Puck called, craning his head to look up at the cat. "Well then, would you like to share your theory, furball?

Mary, we met in a pub. As you weren’t banging a tambourine, I understand you weren’t selling the word of God.

He was definitely taking his bodyguard duties seriously tonight. He gave off a take-one-step-closer-and-I-will-show-you-Armageddon vibe.

You don't wait till your case become terminal before you ask for a doctor. If you wait till it becomes incurable you will die without knowing your right. Spiritually put; you don't wait until you have problem before you pray. Pray without ceasing for you do not know when the problem will come. If you can bind headache you can bind cancer. If you can bind fever, you can equally bind ulcer. If you can loss a mentally dreaded man, you can loss and raise the dead.

Fear of new ideas breeds angry head spiders that have been known to attack.

I have actually known a case where a Woman has exterminated her whole household, and half an hour afterwards, when her rage was over and the fragments swept away, has asked what has become of her husband and her children.

And if you can't trust an ancient talking tree, what was the point of having one?

In an ideal world, he’d simply scrape the surface of his bottomless courage, carelessly slip off his horse, scratch his massive balls, and then stroll over to the Lair in his own good time. But this wasn’t an ideal world, Rawley’s courage reservoir was barely a puddle, and at that particular moment he had precious little below the belt worth scratching!

Never trust a species that grins all the time. It’s up to something.

I need some space.""Because of my past?""No, because of mine. When I'm around you I feel like I'm falling. I need to stop before I smash into the ground.""Are you always so honest?""No. Mostly I'm a liar like you.

Oh Lass, I’m not going full out R rated for Alex, trust me,” he emphasized and rolled his eyes. “No, no. I’m doing this for you, so you feel luscious, and if it should jolt Raf out of his comfort zone, bonus!

.. when all this started, I asked myself, 'Am I going to withdraw from the world, like most people do, or am I going to live?' I decided I'm going to live - or at least try to live - the way I want, with dignity, with courage, with humour, with composure.

I have never listened to anyone who criticized my taste in space travel, sideshows or gorillas. When this occurs, I pack up my dinosaurs and leave the room.

Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With my knives.

A heart? Peppone knows where one is to be met with. There is always someone in the black market in need of dying early.

It's a sad day for American Capitalism when a man can't fly a midget on a kite over central park.

Well, Watson, what do you make of it?'Holmes was sitting with his back to me, and I had given him no sign of my occupation.'How did you know what I was doing? I believe you have eyes in the back of your head.''I have, at least, a well-polished, silver-plated coffee-pot in front of me', said he.

I shrugged. “Actually, I didn’t tell her much of anything. She must’ve put two and two together all on her own and come up with you being a jerk face.”His gaze slid back to me and he grinned. “Ouch, shortie.”“Yeah, like that really bothered you.” I glanced back through the small window in the door that led to bio. Mr. Tucker was already at his desk—was Mrs. Cleo ever coming back?—and we only had a minute, tops, before the tardy bell rang. “What did you want?”Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out a thin slip of yellow paper, waving it in my face. “Guess what I found?”“Obviously not a better personality,” I remarked.“Ha. Funny.” He brushed the edge of the paper across my nose and smiled when I smacked it away.

If your brother can't 'old 'is own against a bunch of orphans, 'e'd best leave off playing 'azard altogether!

We left dents on each other. Mine was in her heart, and hers was on my car.

What is this place?’‘Heaven.’ She laughed, ‘with better drinks!

Sighing dismally, she acknowledged that some things just weren't humanly possible - not even Martha Stewart could fold fitted sheets.

Here you are. Would you like some pickles?”“Pickles gives me the wind something awful.”“In that case—”“Oh, I wasn’t saying no,” Mistress Weatherwax said, taking two large pickled cucumbers.

And who among the company at Monseigneur's reception in that seventeen hundred and eightieth year of our Lord, could possibly doubt, that a system rooted in a frizzled hangman, powdered, gold-laced, pumped, and white-silk stockinged, would see the very stars out!

In fact the bare adjective "bad" hardly scratches the surface of the man's awesome incapacity.

Your mouth can correct what is wrong. Your eyes can see evil and your mouth can speak righteousness. Your body can say I am sick while your mouth can say I am healed. Your eyes can say I am blind but your mouth can say I can see, Your pocket can say I am empty while your mouth can say I am swimming in abundance. Your Doctor can say that you are HIV Postive and Cancer but your mouth can say my body is a holy temple of God and by His stripes I am healed. Your womb can say that you are barren while your mouth can say "Behold, children are a gift of the LORD, The fruit of the womb is a reward." Don´t live by sight, live by faith. Put it in practice.

You will be interested to hear, Hilary, that it [the drug] had a most remarkable effect — even on Selena after a very modest quantity. She cast off all conventional restraints and devoted herself without shame to the pleasure of the moment." I asked for particulars of this uncharacteristic conduct. "She took from her handbag a paperback edition of Pride and Prejudice and sat on the sofa reading it, declining all offers of conversation.

Absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder. Absence makes the bloody penis wander. ~ Heartbreak's A Bitch!

Looking at a king's mouth, ' said an old man, 'one would think he never sucked at his mother's breast.

The devil was always in the detail. And here the detail was certainly devilish.

Honestly—who puts a hamburger next to diet tofu curry unless they’re trying to buy your soul?

If negative emotions have gain access into your heart, it is because you have given it attention. If memories of pain and hurt dominates your heart, it is because you gave them attention. How can a memory hurt you when it has only happened? It can only hurt you when you give it attention.

Some people just don’t find their Prince Charming straight away, they have to search for him.

I shall never have a bath again," I said. "Just dont have one too often," my grandmother said. "Once a month is quite enough for a sensible child." It was at times like these that I loved my grandmother more than ever.

Does Uncle Bob have anything?""I heard he has an STD.""I mean on the women.""Oh, I have no idea if they have any STDs.

mystery is not founded in ignorance, mystery is founded in imagination