Humour Quotes - Page 40

Drafting is like painting the Golden Gate Bridge.The closer you get to the end, the more you start to worry about the beginning.

He is really not so ugly after all, provided, of course, that one shuts one's eyes, and does not look at him.

Wit is the only wall Between us and the dark.

There have been times on this trip I’ve been convinced that GPS was wrong.

If you're getting chased by a lion, you don't need to run faster than the lion, just the people running with you. - Tim Ferris

Focke's razor: Never attribute to plot holes that which is adequately explained by miracles.

You don't want him," she said to the pink-haired girl. "He has syphilis."The girls stared. "Syphilis?""Five percent of people in America have it," said Ty helpfully."I do not have syphilis," Mark said angrily. "There are no sexually transmitted diseases in Faerieland!"”Sorry," Jules said. "You know how syphilis is. Attacks the brain.

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?

There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse.

Ethan Wyeth: I hope you're thirsty."Gideon Wyeth:"Why?"Ethan: "Cause your dumb and ugly, but I can do something about thirsty.

I know about dance, like the creationist knows about science, and typically treat it with a similar contempt

Never in all her life had she imagined that this idolized millinery could look, to those who paid for it, like the decorations of an insane monkey.

Just think how many books I could've sold if Harry had been a bit more creative with his wand." -[On the success of 50 Shades of Grey]

...Roberts had joined the Royal Artillery in 1914 and since then had steadily risen to the rank of Gunner. Now the crunch: someone with a perverted sense of humour made him a Lance Bombardier. Roberts went insane with power. The war now consisted of two people, him and Hitler.

Sometimes we want God to use us to do big things when we would not even want to do the basics.

Humour is the contemplation of the finite from the point of view of the infinite.

Women treat us [men] like humanity treats gods – they worship us and keep bothering us to do something.

Such a narrative as this demands some sort of physical consolation for its spiritual tribulation. Our heroine received it in one last cup of tea. The reader may be advised to do so likewise.

I was distracted, thinking about what she'd said, until she got to this last part. "Sherman?" I said.She nodded. "That's John and Craig's friend. He's visiting from Shreveport.""Sherman from Shreveport?" I said. "This is the guy you're determined I go out

I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT" Hargirid paused angrily. "BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!

We are searching for the same thing,” Stripey said.“How do you know?” Janco asked.“I read his mind.” The Sitian pointed to Ari. “Yours was too…chaotic. Too many useless thoughts to wade through.”A compliment or an insult? Janco guessed compliment and preened.

This is Kester Baleen and Ajex Cristo,' Jared introduced. 'One born without common sense and another with too much intelligence.''Yeah, and what about you Dernell?' Kester retorted back. 'Born with a dry sense of humour.

If I was meant to be controlled, I would have come with a remote.

I wouldn’t have minded school if they taught you important things like how to have good sex and what brand of wine is the best… But for some reason they were hell bent on teaching me algebra

What will he then do unto his name whereby we are called? ...of these things have I asked.

The difference ‘twixt poet and coxcomb is precisely that the latter stops gaps like a ship fitter caulking seams, merely to keep the boat afloat, while the former doth his work as doth a man with a maid: he fills the gap, but with vigor, finesse, and care; there’s beauty and delight as well as utility in his plugging

Well we certainly don't want to see that kind of thing,’ admonished Jeff Stelling. ‘Did it calm down?’‘No,’ shouted Kamara. ‘It got worse. The police were just getting involved when the chairman was hit by a pie thrown from the crowd.’‘Was he injured?’ asked Stelling, struggling to suppress a giggle.‘I don’t think so,’ laughed Kamara. ‘He sat down and started eating it!

She opened her mouth, clamped it shut again. This was new, this sudden favor shown Gloucester, had been brought back with him from Burgundy like some malevolent foreign pox.

I Will Not Tease Rebecca GrimesI have to write one hundred times:"I will not tease Rebecca Grimes."Okay, that's one. I'm far from done.(This isn't gonna be much fun.) "I will not tease Rebecca Grimes."That's two. I'm paying for my crimes.It's all because I pulled her hairAnd put spaghetti on her chair.Because I gave her goofy looksAnd squirted mustard on her books,I have to write one hundred times:"I will not tease Rebecca Grimes."That's three. Whoopee. It's going slow.Just ninety-seven more to go."I will not tease" (I'm keeping score.)"Rebecca Grimes." (Now that makes four.)I'm soaked with sweat. My shirt is damp.I think I'm getting writer's cramp."I will not, will not, will not teaseRebecca Grimes!" Can I stop, please?The teacher frowns, and that means no.I still have sixty-six to go."I will-will-will not-not-not-notTease-tease-tease-tease..." It's getting hot."I will not tease Rebecca Grimes."That's ninety-nine. The school bell chimes.Just one more line and I'll be through.Rebecca Grimes, this one's for you!My final line will rhyme with "Grimes":"I will not tease Rebecca...Slimes!"Rebecca Slimes! Ha ha! That's great!I'd better hide it. Oops! Too late!The teacher sees what I wrote down.She takes my paper with a frown.I now must write one thousand times:"I will not tease Rebecca Grimes.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Sharks don’t eat seafood because they like it, but because chicken can’t swim.

Like a lot of people, I’ve always enjoyed commenting on strangers’ outfits. Unlike a lot of people, I now had a new megaphone to do it with. And, let me tell you, commenting on people’s hilarious clothing choices through a megaphone makes it so much better.

Remember the 11th commandment. Thou shalt not take thyself to damn seriously.

Some drink to forget, I drink to remember. I drink in order to understand what I mean and to discover what I know. Under its benign influence all the stories and dramas which properly belong to the sphere of art are announced by me in conversation.

Yo, bredren, we be the illest,' went my proclamation. 'We be the dopest,' Anand would follow. 'Our tunes are going to be good,' Nishant would finish with.

Just leave me alone, I want to be alone,” she said when Jack tried to open the car door. She hit the lock, and wound the window up. Since the roof was down, it was a fairly pointless exercise.

He nodded toward the sub. "This is going to be a blow-off day."I dragged my mind away from magical intrigue. After being homeschooled for most of my life, some parts of the "normal" school world was a mystery. "What does that mean, exactly.""Usually teacher leave subs a lesson plan, telling them what to do. I saw Ms. Terwilliger left. It said, 'Distract them.

A relationship is likely to last way longer, if each partner convinces or has convinced themselves that they do not deserve their partner, even if that is not true.

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back

Or that time she made a snowman in Britt-Marie and Kent’s garden right under their balcony and dressed it up in grown-up clothes so it looked as if a person had fallen from the roof.

I was just thinking that it would be nice if, for once in a while, life made things easier,� I told him, feeling annoyed. “Why does life have to throw impossible tasks at us all the time for crying out loud?� At hearing my debate, Luna huffed.“Because life’s a bitch,� she growled under her breath, sulking. “That’s why.

Genius is always allowed some leeway, once the hammer has been pried from its hands and the blood has been cleaned up.

I had an uneventful few days," it told her. "The most exciting thing was an hour-long lecture from the headmaster on taking our studies seriously. He said next year's exam will arrive sooner than we think.""No, they won't," Valkyrie said, frowning. "They'll arrive next year, exactly when we expect them.""That's what I told him," the reflection nodded. "I don't think he's comfortable with logic, because he didn't look happy. He sent me to the Career Guidance counsellor, who asked me what I wanted to do after college."Valkyrie stowed her black clothes. "What did you say?""I told her I wanted to be a Career Guidance counsellor. She started crying, then accused me of mocking her. I told her if she wasn't happy in her job then she should look at other options, then pointed out that I was already doing her job better than she was. She gave me detention.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, you will be a mile away from him, and you will have his shoes.

If you want to find out if someone is a true bookworm or not, give them a thousand page novel and see what happens.

My love for Neo-Tokyo is a bulbous massof post-human organic circuitry.Cyperpunk is my mother tongue.My love is a man-machine interface gun.

There is no more thrilling sensation I know of than sailing. It comes as near to flying as man has got to yet - except in dreams.

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of

Thursday morning. I usually let my Mum wake me up but today I have set my alarm for seven. Even from under my duvet, I can hear it bleating on the other side of my room. I hid it inside my plastic crate for faulty joysticks so that I would have to get out of bed, walk across the room, yank it out of the box by its lead and, only then, jab the snooze button. This was a tactical manoeuvre by my previous self. He can be very cruel.

The idea of getting a, you know, syringe full of heroin and shooting it in the vein under my cock right now seems like almost a productive act.

Like alcohol and poverty, a heartbreak has the power to make a man do something he wouldn’t normally do and to make a woman do someone she wouldn’t normally do.

Her protestations were drowned out by the sound of Gordon Honeycomb barfing up aftershock into the kitchenette sink.

Hey, Geekoid!" yelled Duncan Dougal, "Why do you read so much? Don't you know how to watch TV?

Ever since I discovered that my god given male member was going to give me no peace, I decided to give it no rest in return.

It was as though applied mathematics was my spouse, and pure mathematics was my secret lover.

Are you sure this is a good idea?’ I ask.‘No,’ says Amber. ‘Let’s do it.

I only come out for food.

Adults who use big words in order to seem intelligent are annoying, especially those who are not intelligent.

Some people respect some people only because some people respect them.