Humour Quotes - Page 37

Showing off is more ridiculous in instances where the thing that is being shown off was bought on credit.

Loneliness tortures many if not most of the elderly more intensely and more frequently than it torments many if not most of us who will never be or have not yet been pushed or pulled into old age.

Evan ran his finger across the faded leather spines. He laughed at how silly some of the names were: Paint Your Roses Red, Edelweiss and Me, World of Mushrooms and Fungi, The Toadstool Diaries, Daffodils Unseen and Exotic Plants Unleashed, to name but a few.

Move your hands, Morgan,” he commanded.“It hurts!” she protested.“It’s supposed to.

Light and dark ain't supposed to mix. They're like broccoli and chocolate - just nasty when you put them together - but that appears to be what's happening with you

It is better to be first with an ugly woman than the hundreth with a beauty.

Am I gay, am I straight? No, I'm just slutty. So, where's my parade? What about slut pride.

Every single person is a fool, insane, a failure, or a bad person to at least ten people.

Even while we hate, we still have that deep unusual  compassion for our rivals, and they hate it when they realize that we are feeling sorry for them.

Joan Durbeyfield always manged to find consolation somewhere: 'Well, as one of the genuine stock, she ought to make her way with 'en, if she plays her trump car aright. And if he don't marry her afore he will after. For that he's all afire wi' love for her any eye can see.' 'What's her trump card? Her d'Urberville blood, you mean?' 'No, stupid; her face - as 'twas mine.

whoopdie-friggin-doo, fooled you!

Christians believe in a big God but do small things and this is a big insult to God.

Judging by the sounds of general panic, I want a gun like that.

But I see you're not standing in a bleedin' shadow, Perks, nor have you done anything to change your bleedin' shape, you're silhouetted against the bleedin' light and your sabre's shining like a diamond in a chimney-sweep's bleedin' ear'ole! Explain!""It's because of the one C, sarge!" said Polly, still staring straight ahead. "And that is?" "Colour, sarge! I'm wearing bleedin' red and white in a bleedin' grey forest, sarge!

The greatest futility! says the congregator, "The greatest futility! Everything is futile!" What does a person gain from all his hard work- At which he toils under the sun? A generation goes and another cometh forth, but the earth remains the same.

Mirthfulness is in the mind and you cannot get it out. It is just as good in its place as conscience or veneration.

The worst mistake a writer can make is to assume everyone has an imagination.

Everywhere I go, I am asked if I think university stifles writers. My opinion is that it doesn't stifle enough of them.

There is nothing harder to explain than humor.

Being HIV positive doesn’t necessarily mean that you are going to die before each and every person who is HIV negative.

They want your sons.”“My–? But I don’t… ew!

If you knew how many hidden depths I had your pretty eyes would pop right out of your winsome face. Not literally of course - that would be disgusting. I wouldn’t envy the man who had to clean up a pair of popped eyes, especially given the state of this deck. I’m not sure we even have any cleaning products that work for popped eyes, although I suppose a general viscera cleaner would do the trick.

Freedom comes from focus, focus brings freedom. Focus on fear you will always be in prison, focus on faith and is nothing the world can keep you knocked down.

I am a drinker with writing problems.

Liberace was certainly master and commander of the ivories ~ he is the only pianist I can watch or listen to without suffering a case of 'Stagefright Sympathy Sickness'.

That's one way we differ, Jaime and I. He's taller as well, you may have noticed.

Maxwell D. Kalist is a receiving teller at a city bank, Orwell and Finch, where he runs an efficient department of twenty two clerks and twelve junior clerks. He carries a leather-bound vade mecum everywhere with him – a handbook of the most widely contravened banking rules. He works humourlessly (on the surface of it) in a private, perfectly square office on the third floor of a restored grain exchange midway along the Eastern flank of Květniv’s busy, modern central plaza. Behind his oblong slate desk and black leather swivel chair is an intimidating, three-storey wall made almost entirely of bevelled, glare-reducing grey glass in art-deco style; one hundred and thirty six rectangles of gleam stacked together in a dangerously heavy collage.

Offence is an event, offended is a decision. Offence and offended we have to live through it but to stay offended? To live in that place denies the very nature of the salvation that you claimed to have received.

Ender began to eat, slowly and carefully, pretending not to notice he was the center of attention.

If I wanted you to understand, I would explain it better.

Don't think like a shop girl! Think like a poet!"Veronica, Mary Gatskill

Holly girl, you are all too human, I can assure you. Prickly and awkward and human, because that's what witches are - human, that is, not necessarily the prickly and annoying bit. That's just you.

So…we’ll start by boasting, will we? Just like old times! Very well, demigod.

I don't know about you, but I just can't rule out finding the love of my life simply because he's twenty four years older than me. I'm only sorry you had to wait so long for me to reach the right age to come looking for you.

Many a woman would not be in a relationship with or married to her man, if he earned half of what he earns; and many a man would not be in a relationship with or married to his woman, if he earned twice as much as he earns.

Another atrocity of summer is soccer. When the Euro Cup is on, it brings out the worst in people. It turns them into ravaging beasts who complain when a team they like, which they have done nothing to deserve, slips from grace and loses the match.An old man sitting beside me at the cafe was watching the men watch the soccer rather than watch the soccer himself. He found their reactions more entertaining than the game."All this stuff and nonsense over men kicking a ball," he groused. "And they don't do any of the work themselves."I told him, "We should just have wars. Then we would not need sports."He laughed and quite agreed with me.

Kevyn, I'm promoting you from Tech Sergeant to Munitions Commander. I want you to take responsibility for all Company weapons.Munitions Commander? Why me?I don't know. Call it "suspicion of extreme competence" on my part.-Captain Tagon & Commander Kevyn Andreyasn

God sends the best to those who deserves it.

Q. Why don't the British panic?A. They do, but very quietly. It is impossible for the naked eye to tell their panic from their ecstasy.

...our witness, one Edward Littleton, was as gay as Elton John's handbag.

When the enemy of my enemy is willing to use plasma weapons inside a hotel, I think I can do better than stupid aphorisms, General.-Captain Kevyn Andreyasn

Wherever I am, there's always Pooh,There's always Pooh and Me.Whatever I do, he wants to do,"Where are you going today?" says Pooh:"Well, that's very odd 'cos I was too.Let's go together," says Pooh, says he."Let's go together," says Pooh.

We’re adults. I might be a little more of an adult if you’re counting years but I bet I have a lower IQ, so that puts us pretty much even.

At the bottom of the hill they came out of the trees to a busy street and Antwan said, "We cross here." "Ain't no lights here," Antwan said. "Just look out for the ones trying to hit you. There's a nice-looking blonde-haired female human lives around here - any time she sees me she tries to run me down.

If heaven really exists: then heaven is the job, hell is unemployment, while life is merely an interview.

I had not, I said to myself, come into the future to carry on a miniature flirtation.

In dealing with us, God always starts with our motives. What do you want for the people? What does God wants for his people? What do you want Him to do for you; that's is a starting place.

The main causes for divorceare marriages.

I had everything summed up in a nutshell unfortunately I lost the nut.

I suppose I’ll have to clean up Freddy’s brains; I hate to leave a mess for the home owners. Hand me that plastic bag; I need to put it over his head to keep him from leaking. Oh, relax, Freddy; I’ll tear an airhole for you.” - Mercer

After a certain point, all natural bodily changes are for the worst.

Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Heres Tom with the Weather.

Fabre stood up. He placed his fingertips on d‘Anton’s temples. “Put your fingers here,” he said. “Feel the resonance. Put them here, and here.” He jabbed at d’Anton’s face: below the cheekbones, at the side of his jaw. “I’ll teach you like an actor,” he said. “This city is our stage.”Camille said: “Book of Ezekiel. ‘This city is the cauldron, and we the flesh’ ...”Fabre turned. “This stutter,” he said. “You don’t have to do it.” Camille put his hands over his eyes. “Leave me alone,” he said. “Even you.” Fabre’s face was incandescent. “Even you, I am going to teach.” He leapt forward, wrenched Camille upright in his chair. He took him by the shoulders and shook him. “You’re going to talk properly,” Fabre said. “Even if it kills one of us.” Camille put his hands protectively over his head. Fabre continued to perpetrate violence; d’Anton was too tired to intervene.

It's not my fault, that I'm flat chested and a midget!

She cannot: but must do it by distance of time.

A jaw like a mastiff's, a frame like a giant's, eyes like two daggers, a smile like a tiger's snarl,"Bernard murmured."Aye, he is all that!!" Master Herbert said."A murrain be on him! And when I came to him,what did I do? I did bow in all politeness, yet stiffly withal to show him I'd not brook his surliness.""I did hear ye did bow so low that your head came below your knees,"Bernard said.

Some disabled people spend a significant amount of their energy on trying to come across as abled or as not that disabled.

We break our huddle and Eight immediately transforms into one of his massive avatars. His handsome features melt away, replaced by the snarling face and golden mane of a lion. He grows to about twelve feet, ten arms sprouting out of his sides, each of them tipped with razor-sharp claws. Nine whistles through his teeth.'Now we're talking,' Nine says. 'One of your parents must've been a chimæra. Probably your mom.

Z is for Zillah who drank too much gin.

That girl will rain destruction down on you and your ship. She is an albatross, Captain. Way I remember it, albatross was a ship's good luck, 'til some idiot killed it. (to Inara) Yes, I've read a poem. Try not to faint.