Humour Quotes - Page 36

Public schoolboys are not merely conservatives, they are by nature totalitarian reactionaries.

Everybody knows if you are too careful you are so occupied in being careful that you are sure to stumble over something.

My point is that I am going to figure this out, like I always do. First, we’re going to find a way to get into Artemisia. We’re going to find Cress and rescue Cinder and Wolf. We’re going to overthrow Levana, and by the stars above, we are going to make Cinder a queen so she can pay us a lot of money from her royal coffers and we can all retire very rich and very alive, got it?"Winter started to clap. "Brilliant speech. Such gumption and bravado.""And yet strangely lacking in any sort of actual strategy," said Scarlet."Oh, good, I'm glad you noticed that too," said Iko. "I was worried my processor might be glitching.

Hells yeah. You kidding? Gay men are hot.

I'm pretty sure my parents arepretending they are sick.I know because I taught them bothto do that little trick. You blow your nose and hold your headand claim your brain is breaking.And so, a pro like me would knowmy folks are clearly faking.A little thing I learned in schoolconvinced me I am right.My parents are supposed to meetmy principal tonight.

It also makes my father right again. How will I ever soar with the eagles if I'm surrounded by turkeys?

We Slovenians are even better misers than you Scottish. You know how Scotland began? One of us Slovenians was spending too much money, so we put him on a boat and he landed in Scotland.

I violently dislike you,' she said, and then she was gone, slamming the door and leaving a sort of shocked silence behind.

It's time to shop high heels if your fiance kisses you on the forehead.

The main reception foyer was almost empty but Ford nevertheless weaved his way through it.

If you tell me I'm sensible in addition to normal and wise, I'm going to punch you in the stomach.

The feeling of 'turning into your dad' is nothing compared to the realisation that your son is turning into you.

Skinny jeans were only good if you had skinny genes.

I often wonder why the whole world is so prone to generalise. Generalisations are seldom if ever true and are usually utterly inaccurate.

Since I had a soft spot for zombies and my curiosity was killing me, I opted for plan Z.

Does that mean that if we shave all the Ob'enn they'll be nice?

My mum always said you get more fun at a Glasgow stabbing than an Edinburgh wedding.

When the bishop farted we were amused to hear about it. Should the ploughboy find treasure we must be told. But when the ploughboy farts... er... keep it to yourself.

Ah! Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans! I was unfortunate enough in my youth to come across a vomit-flavored one, and since then I’m afraid I’ve rather lost my liking for them — but I think I’ll be safe with a nice toffee, don’t you?”He smiled and popped the golden-brown bean into his mouth.“Alas! Ear wax!

Mr. Brundy," she said with a nod, making the most perfunctory of curtsies to her father's guest.He made no move to take her hand, but merely bowed and responded in kind. "Lady '

Even the intellectual crowd will have none of me. Physically, I look like one of them. Graying at the temples, I walk with a slight limp and wear thick glasses.

It is much harder than you might think to show people your bottom.

I will now sing another song for your pleasure. Now, if you like Phil Collins...you should be shot in the head.

Comedy is tragedy - plus time.

Tell me,' he asked, with some embarassment, as we strolled along: 'you're a bloody German, aren't you?''Oh, no. I'm Hungarian.''Hungarian?''Hungarian.''What's that? Is that a country? Or you are just having me on?'Not at all. On my word of honour, it is a country.''And where do you Hungarians live?''In Hungary. Between Austria, Romania, Czechoslovakia and Yugoslavia'.'Come off it. Those places were made up by Shakespeare.

Maple thought optimistically that human beings, on their good days, weren't much dimmer than sheep. Or at least, not much dimmer than dim sheep.

Remember the plan?” Hunter asked as they drew closer to their target.Kristen looked at him sceptically. "'Keep quiet and don’t get seen’ is not a very professional plan. Did you have anything else to add?

You cannot be truly humble, unless you truly believe that life can and will go on without you.

Sometimes the fact that you can't sense God isn't an indication that He is not there. It is just an indication that you are hanging out in the wrong place.The cave is not a physical location, it is a state of mind.

I fell in love with football as I was later to fall in love with women: suddenly, inexplicably, uncritically, giving no thought to the pain or disruption it would bring with it.

Naw, I say. Mr ____, can tell you, I don't like it at all. What is it to like? He git up on you, heist your nightgown round your waist, plunge in. Most times I pretend I ain't there. He never know the difference. Never ast me how I feel, nothing. Just do his business, get off, go to sleep.She start to laugh. Do his business, she say. Do his business. Why, Miss Celie. You make it sound like he going to the toilet on you.That's what it feel like, I say.She stop laughing.

One of the disadvantages of almost universal education was the fact that all kinds of persons acquired a familiarity with one's favorite writers. It gave one a curious feeling it was like seeing a drunken stranger wrapped in one's dressing gown.

Some people would regard people who look like they do as ugly if they did not look like them.

She had been to her Great-Aunt Willoughby’s before, and she knew exactly what to expect. She would be asked about her lessons, and how many marks she had, and whether she had been a good girl. I can’t think why grownup people don’t see how impertinent these questions are. Suppose you were to answer:“I’m the top of my class, auntie, thank you, and I am very good. And now let us have a little talk about you, aunt, dear. How much money have you got, and have you been scolding the servants again, or have you tried to be good and patient, as a properly brought up aunt should be, eh, dear?”Try this method with one of your aunts next time she begins asking you questions, and write and tell me what she says.

There was a family joke that Lucy's first words were, "Nicholas is bugging me!

I will liken my judgment unto a ring: like as there is no slackness of the last, even so there is no swiftness of the first.

You seem to know a lot about it," she said. "And you do subtleties.""Yeah. Like I've always wanted to destroy the Nine Worlds while committing suicide.""Well, there's no need to be rude," protested Sif.

Does bad luck come in 3's...or is it multiples of 3?

Tell me, Peppone, what other talents do you have besides erasing undesirables?”t“I enjoy a fair bit of sneaking, sir. I also enjoy pilfering and killing as a professional courtesy.”t“What a delightfully horrid urchin you are.”t“Thank you, sir.

No man's advice can change you unless you speak to yourself. Bible school or seminars can't change you, going to church can't change you except you decide to change.Psalm 139:23 - 24

He was a philosopher, if you know what that was.’‘A man who dreams of fewer things than there are in heaven and earth,’ said the Savage promptly.‘Quite so…

With right fashion, every female would be a flame.

Pumpkins are the only living organisms with triangle eyes.

It is Sunday afternoon, preferably before the war. The wife is already asleep in the armchair, and the children have been sent out for a nice long walk. You put your feet up on the sofa, settle your spectacles on your nose, and open the News of the World. Roast beef and Yorkshire, or roast pork and apple sauce, followed up by suet pudding and driven home, as it were, by a cup of mahogany-brown tea, have put you in just the right mood. Your pipe is drawing sweetly, the sofa cushions are soft underneath you, the fire is well alight, the air is warm and stagnant. In these blissful circumstances, what is it that you want to read about? Naturally, about a murder.

We think we like or love some people until we see them regularly.

I didn't cross the line, you drew it in after I traversed it.

Do you know that you can be surrounded by all these blessings, all these relationships, goodness, provisions, opportunities? But if you don't know how to turn the blessing into praise, it will turn into pride and your life will never be filled with joy because your heart has holes in it.

What if," replied Inspector Fry in the same maddeningly curteous tone, "we were all to construct daisy chains and drape them so as to shield the words from public view?

I think I’ll give the Cage of Death a miss too,” I said. Crocodiles were fascinating creatures, like living dinosaurs, but they could do their living over there somewhere, far away from me.

Private Benjamin lives next door but one to Bob Cryer from The Bill. I once saw him crouching down behind a sycamore tree and using his nose as an Allen Key to release a starving rat.

Cider was my drink because I liked the taste and it made me stupid.

Most sexually adventurous women want a man who regards cunnilingus as a basic woman right.

Technically, you don't pay me.And technically, most of what I do is "think."I...rrr. ummm.And when you get right down to it, I'm better at it than you are.-Ennesby & Captain Tagon

Said Hamlet to Ophelia,I'll draw a sketch of thee.What kind of pencil shall I use?2B or not 2B?

Like water leaking through a dam," said Piper."Yeah," smiled Percy. "We've got a dam hole.""What?" Piper asked."Nothing," he said. "Inside joke.

If you removed all the arteries, veins, & capillaries from a person’s body, and tied them end-to-end…the person will die.

He burst into the house and ate Grandma, an entirely valid course of action for a carnivore such as himself.

Hope is a strange thing, not to mention a common prostitute name,...

I think that people's sexual preferences are a legitimate subject for humour, dirty humour if at all possible.

It is in the best interest of the rich to preserve poverty.