Humour Quotes - Page 31

Salt waters shall be found in the sweet, and all friends shall destroy one another; then shall wit hide itself, and understanding withdraw itself into his secret chamber-

What could she have done? She was a heroine, and with that came certain obligations.

When I was your age, television was called books.

He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed.

The role of a comedian is to make the audience laugh at a minimum of once every fifteen seconds.

Lussurioso: "Welcome, be not far off, we must be better acquainted. Push, be bold with us, thy hand!"Vindice: "With all my heart, i'faith. How dost, sweet musk-cat? When shall we lie together?"Lussurioso: (aside) "Wondrous knave!Gather him into boldness? 'Sfoot, the slave'sAlready as familiar as an ague,And shakes me at his pleasure! -- Friend, I canForget myself in private, but elsewhere,I pray do you remember be."Vindice: "Oh, very well, sir.I conster myself saucy."Lussurioso: "What hast been? What profession?"Vindice: "A bone-setter."Lussurioso: "A bone-setter!"Vindice: "A bawd, my lord, one that sets bones together."Lussurioso: (aside) "Notable bluntness!

These Hoes Just Gon Fuck Who Ever Poppin , You Better Be Careful, When you fuck em' Raw!

If you were going to be successful in the world of crime, you needed a reputation for honesty.

You like it in jail?""It's not too bad. You don't meet the best people, but who the hell wants to?

The Brigadier had no wish to shake hands with the improbable young man in the ridiculous frock-coat.

You were in the trunk while they —”This time, Gentry closed his eyes.“Please. I’m going to have flashbacks. I don’t want flashbacks.”Sophie couldn’t contain their amusement any longer and broke out into laughter.“Odette, you naughty girl!”“I didn’t know he was back there!” She didn’t turn around. Odette didn’t want to see the look on Sophie’s face.“If I did, I wouldn’t have climbed into Keahi’s lap in the first place!”“Okay!,” Gentry said. “I don’t need visuals, either.

What have you got in there you little bastard?

Once upon a time,there was a Zen signat every small railway crossing in AmericaStop. Look. And listen.

So Beckendorf was pretty popular?" Leo asked. "I mean-before he blew up?

...You haven't I suppose ever mixed with politicians at close quarters. They're awful...their stupidity is inhuman.

The pleasant fact is that the British are not much good at violent crime except in fiction, which is of course as it should be.

Well, don't expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.

The best thing to learn from any government is that it does not get affacted by what other people talk or think about it.

I think you're a shit,’ said Keith sharply. ‘I think much of what you’ve done this season is shit and I think what you've put everyone involved with this club through is shit. How’s that?

There is nothing morally wrong with buying stolen goods, unless you know that they were stolen.

Historical Re-creation, he thought glumly, as they picked their way across, under, over or through the boulders and insect-buzzing heaps of splintered timber, with streamlets running everywhere. Only we do it with people dressing up and running around with blunt weapons, and people selling hot dogs, and the girls all miserable because they can only dress up as wenches, wenching being the only job available to women in the olden days.

Everything comes out of smoke and mist and nothingness, a mystical happening…

That's enough!" Holly scrambled out of her seat, too. "My three-year-old behaves better than all of you." She looked down at LJ, who was trying to stuff a fry up his nostril. "And that's not saying a whole lot.

You don't have to position yourself in front of people to be used by God. You don't have to convince anyone that you are good enough for the voice of God, just be grateful that God chooses who He wills and once He is ready to use you, no devil in hell can stop Him.

A smell of burned hair and cotton wafted into the air as I spun toward my desk. There was a low whine from the desk and then smoke billowed out of my closed laptop.I gaped.My precious, perfectly brand new laptop I cherished like one would a small child.Son of a mother…Friend or not, it was so on

You are a mousetrap of a friend, all soft cheese and hard springs

Well, what was I to do? For the well-bred gentleman there was clearly only one recourse. I fucked him.

Neither (brother) even glaced at the counter. She smiled. Her dumb brothers never cooked. She didn’t think they even knew how! A human being who needs food to live but cannot prepare that food to eat? Pathetic. In this case, it was an advantage. They weren’t interested in any food until it had been cooked for them.

On the sixth day god created man,on the seventh day man created god.Now we are even.

The men sit around getting fat and arguing with each other about something they call “philosophy” - most of which is pure nonsense.

Unless it is you, finding out who your lover’s dream lover is is a nightmare.

Miss Grantham's sense of humour got the better of her at this point, and, tottering towards a chair, she sank into it, exclaiming in tragic accents:'Oh Heavens! I am betrayed!' His lordship blenched; both he and Miss Laxton regarded her with guilty dismay. Miss Grantham buried her face in her handkerchief, and uttered one shattering word: 'Wretch!

Do you think ladies’ eyebrows can communicate as well?” she asked.“No, they don’t have sufficient thicketry,” he said with authority.“Thicketry?”“Yes, that is the official term.

Maybe you could be mine / or maybe we’ll be entwined / aimless in this sexless foreplay.

O Lord that bear rule, even we all are full of impiety. And for our sakes peradventure it is that the floors of the righteous are not filled, because of the sins of them that dwell upon the earth.

How I ever could have thought he was boring or easy was beyond me’ (Daisy, 'Friendship on Fire', p. 471).

You're more mean-spirited than I remember you being.""It's this organic body. Hologram fur wasn't itchy.

I jumped on Sinbad's bottle. Nothing happened. I didn't do it again. Sometimes when nothing happened it was really getting ready to happen

Thanks to photography, some memories overstay their welcome.

Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting would be intolerable. So for every ten Jews beating their breasts God designated one to be crazy and amuse the breast-beaters. By the time I was five I knew I was that one.

The harder I work, the luckier I become.

Well he should get over himself. He tried to get me burned at the stake in Brit History yesterday. Here I am minding my own business like a good little girl, and out of the blue Tucker raises his hand and accuses me of being a witch" "sounds like something Tucker would do" admits wendy."Everybody had to vote on it. I barely escaped with my nuns life. Obviously I'll have to return the favour.

While the archetype of the tinker is generally the whipping person in classical bedtimes stories, this particular individual was a tinker by trade and just happened to be economically disadvantaged.

I'm pretty much awake now." (P) "The last time I said that, I passed out in the bathtub." (I) "I remember that. Neil covered you with towels and said that he found a mermaid." (P) "You were so beautiful, Mummy. Like Ice Bird when he freezes the pigs." (N) "Thank you, sweet." -- Ingrid, Paul and Neil.

If I have to face the end of human existence, I want to look totally smoking when it happens. Now shut the hell up.

...and thus he found his single source of joy in the society of other people: frightening the girls with his penis.

Sometimes what not to do is more important than what to do. Sometimes when you are in crisis, when frustration are high or when you are under pressure, what you don't do is more important than what you do. Don't be afraid. ....

It was entirely possible I would sexually assault him if I got too close.

Oh, I hate the cheap severity of abstract ethics!

He’d done it like he did everything else—with passion and total disregard for how much it might embarrass her.

I love you all, even those I don’t particularly like. That’s you, Beryl.

Summer is the time when it is too hot to do the job that it was too cold to do last winter.

Hating Britain is a fundamental part of being British

Some women have been faking orgasms for so long that they sometimes fake one when they are masturbating.

Of the 2,639,857 faggots in the New York city area, 2,639,857 think primarily with their cocks.You didn't know that the cock was a thinking organ?Well, by this time, you should know that it is.

There is a throne up there and someone is sitting on it. It is not you, the economy or your government. My God is still on the throne and I shall not worry.

I thought the trees down in Lady Zelana’s country were about as big as a tree could get,” he said, “but the ones around here are so tall that they probably tickle the moon’s tummy when she goes by.

I like my tea like I like my men,” I say. With the last name “Grey.” But I realize that’s too forward, so I add, “Black.”He raises an eyebrow.“I mean, not that I exclusively like black men,” I say, trying to recover. “I like other kinds of tea. And men.”“Have you ever tasted...white tea, Anna?

Absurd laughter is a kind of protest against an absurd existence.

Ten thousand women marched through the streets shouting, 'We will not be dictated to,' and went off and became stenographers.