Humour Quotes - Page 14

A lot of people say there's a fine line between genius and insanity. I don't think there's a fine line, I actually think there's a yawning gulf. You see some poor bugger scuffling up the road with balloons tied to his ears, he's not going home to invent a rocket, is he?

It is still cheating, even if nobody comes.

This is 1987. A girl can be whatever she wants to be." "I know," said Ray. "My mums a plumber.

He had then warned his daughter not to violate the Eleventh Commandment."Which one is that?" I asked her."Do not bullshit thy father," she said.

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.

I am unable to believe in a God susceptible to prayer. I simply haven't the nerve to imagine a being, a force, a cause which keeps the planets revolving in their orbits, and then suddenly stops in order to give me a bicycle with three speeds.

People are good because they are good in hiding their bad.

It is said "Barking dogs seldom bite".......Unfortunately many dogs do not know this proverb!

Just like how most if not all poor boys look up to and aspire to someday be rich men, most if not all underdeveloped and developing countries look up to and aspire to someday be developed countries.

Thy heart had gone too far in this world, and think thou to comprehend the way of the most High?

Most people who are would each not be in love with their partner, if they did not have the kind of genitals they have.

And one day Amber takes her troll’s dinner down to the cave and finds him—” Rock waved his hands in vague yet thoroughly descriptive motions “—with another lady troll. So she go home and get her club and come back and beat him to death, thump, thump, thump. ’Cos he was her troll and he done her wrong. Is very romantic song.

I am writing to you because she said you listen and understand and didn't try to sleep with that person at that party even though you could have. I just need to know that someone out there listens and understands and doesn't try to sleep with people even if they could have. I need to know that these people exist.

Hey! Jack the Wanker! Over here! I want your autograph!

Being a bad parent is a sign of not having learned from experience.

What you need is not too big for God to supply.

Human relations, at least between the sexes, were carried on as relations between countries are now - with ambassadors, and treaties. The parties concerned met on the great occasion of the proposal. If this were refused, a state of war was declared.

New Maxi-Pad Pets. Accessories for your period.Brought to you by The Corporation: In your homes andin your pants.

Wit is far more often a shield than a lance.

I should just build a bleeding house here," I mutter as I pick myself up off the snow-covered ground. "Maybe get a few chickens. Plant a garden.

Nate shook his head with a crooked grin. "You haven't gone Back to the Future, McFly.

Quiet,” she hissed at me, her voice shockingly aggressive for such a small person. “Otherwise, I’ll shut you up myself.

Whatever, crazy chick who maybe lives here and maybe also breaks into Michael's house when they're all gone. I'm out. Have a nice delusion. -Shayne

absinthe removes the bitter taste of failure and grants me strange visions which are charming principally because they cannot be written down. Only in absinthe do I become entirely free and, when I drink it, I understand the symbolic mysteries of odour and of colour.

They were small, brightly coloured, happy little creatures who secreted some of the nastiest toxins in the world, which is why the job of looking after the large vivarium where they happily passed their days was given to first-year students, on the basis that if they got things wrong there wouldn't be too much education wasted.

I learned early and at that kitchen table that there are ways of avoiding, without guilt, the commitments of love.

Xander Harris: Hair. Red. Red is good. Fire engines are red. Porsche's are red.

Snyder: There are some things I can just smell. It's like a sixth sense."Giles: Well, actually, that would be one of the five.

The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.

Its done.' Penteluck announced and scooped some onto a spoon for Zayne to drink.'No chance, you first. You're already dead it won't kill you if you drink it.'Penteluck frowned. 'Zayne I'm already dead, how will you know if it will kill you in the first place?'She shrugged, 'it helps i guess.

He said he wouldn’t stay, as he didn’t care much for the smell of the paint, and fell over the scraper as he went out. Must get the scraper removed, or else I shall get into a scrape. I don’t often make jokes.

I don't like killing a girl," the Spaniard said."God does it all the time; if it doesn't bother Him, don't let it worry you.

Time to start getting more sleep. This beautiful physique needs royal treatment.

Saying that you do not remember something or someone is a less embarrassing or hurtful way of saying that you do not know it or them anymore.

A premature death does not only rob one of the countless instances where one would have experienced pleasure, it also saves one from the innumerable instances where one would have experienced pain.

But how do we know it's working properly?''The green light is on.' said Jack.

Will I have to use a dictionary to read your book?" asked Mrs. Dodypol. "It depends," says I, "how much you used the dictionary before you read it.

Being divorced does not necessarily make one’s advice on marriage useless … or useful.

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.

Your memory has always been given to opportunistic revision.

The Tausennigan Ob'enn warlords look like cuddly teddy-bears?""Yes, they do, and they'd cheerfully exterminate your entire race for making that observation!""I guess that explains their rich military history, then.

How come you like Josh so much anyway? All he does is sit around drinking overpriced coffee and bitching about how awful things are""He cares about the world.""If he cared about the world, he'd donate the ten thousand dollars he must spend on coffee every year to charity. That would be doing something.

I think I know where my life went wrong. For all the world's a stage and I'm a lousy actor!

He was the kind of teacher every child hated, and they suspected most of the staff did not like him too.

Before Marriage opposite attracts, after marriage opposite attacks☺. Just telling you the truth.

I don't think you have talent!! But... I guess Fuuka will do.I have no choice!

The joke is generally in the oddest way the truth and yet not the fact.

Is there anything in your life trying to slip off? Is your health threatening to leave you? Is your joy threatening to go? Is your job in jeopardy? Is your marriage shaking? Is there anything that you have been looking for in life? Is there anything near you that is about leaving you? Is there anything that you ever lost that was so dear to you? Jesus asked me to tell you that whatever that is gone out of your hand will come back again. Whatever that has gone out of your hand that you need to stay back with you will come back again.

If Porter crawled into bed with me, I wouldn’t flee the scene right away. I probably wouldn’t even kick him out. I might kick him in the gonads and then rub my cheek against his chest because that’s the kind of girl I am. Beat them and then treat them.

As Danton sees it, the most bizarre aspect of Camille's character is his desire to scribble over every blank surface; he sees a guileless piece of paper, virgin and harmless, and persecutes it till it is black with words, and then besmirches its sister, and so on, through the quire.

My dear, I don't care what they do, so long as they don't do it in the street and frighten the horses

Please, touch me, I pray.

Got to say, dying would really wreck my best day. Been there, done that, and now that I think about it, Artemis forgot to give me the t-shirt.

People in blind love throw away common sense, conscience and comedy from the life.

He's like a man with a fork, in a world of soup. (about his brother Liam)

The only thing worse than having a party that no one attends is having a party attended only by two vastly, deeply uninteresting people.

Great songs don't grow on trees, yet lots of songs have been written on great trees

Shame on you. Don't tell me you've been married for an hour and you've already got eyes for another woman.

The witch's hair was too short and too dark for blond. She wasn't sure if that relieved her or disturbed her.Riley had immediately begun his interrogation, and it had gone something like this:Riley: Where is the meeting between your kind and Aden Stone supposed to take place?Witch: Go suck yourself.Riley: Maybe later. Meeting?Witch: Enjoy death.Riley: I have once already. Now, decide to talk or lose a body part.Witch: May I recommend a finger?Riley: Sure. After I take one of your very necessary hands.

The sign of a good conscience is for a man to be in support of basically everything that Westboro Baptist isn't.