Humorous Quotes - Page 8

You can't be too careful about work. It's the most dangerous habit known to medical science.

I’m looking for mushrooms. Giant ones, specifically of the deadly poisonous variety.”“How come?”“Monday is Teacher Appreciation Day, and I was thinking of making a nice quiche for Miss Keener.

We sometimes try to impress people we just met by not trying to impress them.

The thing about our choices is that after we have made them, they turn around and make us.

Its all about perception in life, For some One minus One = One & for some its Zero.That's the only difference.

Some people avoid thinking deeply in public, only because they are afraid of coming across as suicidal.

Cigarette smoke when i didn't ask for it. Never when I did.

All decisions are taken two levels above the highest level of understanding

Giving the rugged repairman the eye was one thing -- but Charity had no intention of snogging away a whole rainy afternoon when she was supposed to be catching up on her work. Lady Margaret was counting on her! But then again, Lady Margaret didn't have big brown eyes and a cheeky grin.

...the kind of love that picks you up in Akron and sets you down in Rio...

Some people stride toward a better future. Others have chauffeurs.

Space: the gaping hole between land and other land.

Nothing helps your partner keep his mind on Jesus more than having a sign of His love tanned on your primary erogenous zones.

One of my favorite quotes is:"... If I strike you it ain't going to be in your fancy.

If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future

Sobs force their way out of my throat. I feel like I’m trapped in a disaster movie where everything is shriveling into darkness and ash. Sunflowers are being uprooted. Puppies are being trampled. Whole cities are crumbling to dust.

Two powerful factors which creates difference between destroying your relationship and deepening it are EGO and Attitude

Plans are invitation to disappointment.

To enjoy a peaceful & Beautiful Life We should open our 'EYE' and Close our 'I

It ain’t whatcha write, it’s the way atcha write it.

What we ought to know we never be taught in the classroom.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.

If you two yentas are finished discussing Claire’s rabid who-ha, me and the boys would like to eat sometime this century.""You and 'the boys?' You just met them today. Does the Ya Ya Brotherhood already have a secret handshake and a password?" Liz joked.

My life is measured into two distinct phases . . . BC is before cellulite and AC is for after cellulite. Sad but so true!

His overactive charm poured out like a lone drainage pipe after a flash flood.

I am a strong woman, I can endure it all.

I'm apparently in love with a thirteen-year-old who makes lewd sex jokes in public, shamelessly plays footsy with me under the table the whole time I'm trying to enjoy my shrimp scampi, and is insatiably horny at all hours of the day.

Everyone loves a goddamned trainwreck, after all.

While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach.

Why do I write? Because I like telling stories and I don't like repeating myself (insert chuckle here).

Stupidity has a knack for getting its way.

A cult? Jesus Christ. No wonder Anita is worried about her children. They’re like turkeys—they might drown themselves in the rain if you don’t watch ’em close enough.

Why do they call them daytime dramas, anyway? Shouldn't they be bedtime dramas? All anyone ever talks about is getting someone into bed! Plus if you're at home watching, you're probably watching in bed. And if you're like me, after an hour or two of watching all those sexy goings-on you forget the silly story entirely and fall asleep. Just like it's bedtime!

We the living are to blame for the painfulness of being dead.

Are all men's lips as soft as yours, Ari?" Bathymaas"I suppose, goddess. But I don't make it a habit to feel the lips of other men so I don't know for certain." Aricles

Going down 6% grades using only a hand brake and low gears wasn’t for sissies and, in retrospect, might have been for idiots.

Of all the things in the world, I'm particularly amazed at, is the conviction with which the MIND, endorses an Idea, which is phenomenal, as it differentiates the Genius from Mediocre, or not to forget the human stupidity in particular!

Said Opie Read to E.P. Roe,"How do you like Gaboriau?""I like him very much indeed!"Said E.P. Roe to Opie Read.

They say you can judge a person by their book, but I say they will hide under the covers.

Man be merciful, for your Maker is merciful.

Money changes people. This process is more commonly known as trading.

Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.

I love Naples, Florida! Although, I’m so far behind everyone else there. After all, I’m still wearing my first face!

Most of us cling to life as if our existence were a result of our deed or choice.

The first rule of book club - is that nobody wants to talk about book club.

A rainy day is a good day to be in bed with a good book - or with someone who has read one."T.K. Lukas

Some people will hate you for not loving them.

If God had a wife, He would be in trouble too if He dodged His chores.

A good lover? One percent talent and ninety nine percent hard work.

In movies, we are accustomed to seeing handsome actors. It's so commonplace on the screen, large or small, that we barely note it as extraordinary. But in life, rarely do we encounter an onslaught of beauty, entire a hive of handsomeness, find ourselves awash in an ocean of attractiveness, drowning in a miasma of hotness.

They tell you the devil is in the details…what they don’t tell you is that he’s laughing maniacally.

People are lot like peanuts...It's not what's on the outside that matters, and that damn shell just gets shucked into the trash anyhow.

The workings of the male mind are twisted indeed." Winnifred Crane

A “good friend” was well…. Like your teeth.You had a limited number of them to last you an entire lifetime.You could survive without them, but having them made life much more enjoyable.If you didn’t take good care of them, you could lose them forever.

Simon stepped forward and clapped him on the shoulder. "Nothing better than making a maid happy, is there?""Aye, there most assuredly is." Simon cocked a puzzled brow."Skewering my meddlesome brother would definitely be better."Simon laughed. "Then I'd best go pack so that I won't be directly in your sight for the next few minutes.""You do that, Simon, and while you're at it, make sure to find your common sense and bring it along as well.

A shame. As promising as a sky full'a rainbows but as useful as a bag'a dirt.

Retirement is lie sex. Men love to talk about it, but when the time finally comes, they're good for about fifteen minutes then they're dying to put their ties back on.

One of the most common and most dangerous misbeliefs is that it is impossible for someone to be stupid just because they are a doctor or a lawyer.

There exist no new mistakes anywhere. The same mistakes people committed are the same mistakes people are committing and the same mistakes shall people commit

Among wilderness survival tips, punching a wild animal in the face probably isn’t on a checklist.