Humorous Quotes - Page 6

If a child shows himself to be incorrigible, he should be decently and quietly beheaded at the age of twelve, lest he grow to maturity, marry, and perpetuate his kind.

They view New York as Satan's waiting room." "If this is the waiting room, where does the guy reside or work?" "New Jersey, I assume," Kyle said with a smile. "I mean, dude, have you been to Jersey?

This is the sixty-nine," I told him, presenting the magazine in front of him. I put my fingers -- two of them -- on the action, so that he would not overlook it. "Why is it dubbed sixty-nine?" he asked, because he is a person hot on fire with curiosity. "It was invented in 1969. My friend Gregory knows a friend of the nephew of the inventor." "What did people do before 1969?" "Merely blowjobs and masticating box, but never in chorus.

O.M.G. Lucca, what are you feeding her? Everyday I look at you, and I swear those twinnes must double in size. Look at your bump in this dress, how are you managing to cart that around? Rather you than me chubby." ~Hazel

Not a few millions of parents strongly hope that their own children will step in by instantly becoming their own parents’ foster parents, if and when the parents reach their second childhood.

Politicians and children have two speeds: running and asleep.

You do remember how dangerous I am with those?” “Aye, that’s the point. Everyone will duck and cover if they see you wielding these.” “Even my teammates?”“Especially your teammates.

It was 10:30 in the morning and I was already running behind. This is hardly unusual, but it pisses me off every single time.

Wealth seldom fails to breed the fear of poverty.

LIFE - Death's Very Emissary

Most priests wish they were as righteous as they seem to most members of their congregations.

. She was beautiful, and her temperament seemed much better than his first wife did. Arman stopped in the middle of the Windsor knot on his tie. Who was he trying to kid, he thought. An enraged rabid pit bull in heat would have had a better temperament then his first wife.

Many if not most slaves would have each readily jumped, and many if not most slaves would each readily jump, at the opportunity to be a master, if such an opportunity presents or had presented itself.

If someone lied to you, and you positively know this is true, you may find delight in telling them they are the most honest person you know; continue flattering them, giving them the most wonderful compliments, including how you're so thankful to have such an honest person in such a deceptive world. But, then again, this may very well make you a liar too.

He had a bushy unibrow that could house a family of quail.

It is usually unbearably painful to read a book by an author who knows way less than you do, unless the book is a novel.

Millions of business people are each constantly forced to choose between their desire to not be a bad person and their desire to be a good business person, that is to say, to make as much money as they possibly can by maximizing their revenue while minimizing the cost of producing whatever it is that they sell.

And we’re at four. Alexis Ann, I think we’re in an abusive relationship.

Even those who want to go to heaven would rather kill than be killed.

Boredom is probably more frequent and more tormenting if you do not have sight or hands.

The most upsetting thing about Society’s attitude towards disabled people is that many millions of disabled people became disabled while trying to please Society, the very same bitch that secretly regards them as subhuman.

A rainy day is like a lovely gift -- you can sleep late and not feel guilty.

He had had a severe shock some weeks earlier, when, having narrowly failed to capture a large grey-brown hare for his dinner, it had stopped at the edge of the forest, looked at him with disdain, and said, 'Well, I hope you're proud of yourself, that's all,' and had scampered off into the long grass

He was not at the moment in very good odour at Bow Street. Such epithets as Blockhead and Blunderer had been used in connection with his last case. 'Jeremiah Stubbs, miss,’ said the Runner. ‘I am here in the execution of my dooty.

Buddy I have lived through three wars and several major political skirmishes. You can't beat me down with your boring-to-death sales pitches.

Why did men have to ruin everything? The answer was simple, she supposed—because foolish women gave them the chance

Don't ignore me. I only get more annoying.

Anything can happen in Hollywood, even good things.

Marriages are for the grownup people. Fortunately or unfortunately, I am not yet the one!

If you think I'm overdramatic, just remember that Candy Crush calls itself a saga.

A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.

...but once more I say do as you please, for we women are born to this burden of being obedient to our husbands, though they be blockheads

There are times when I am so unlike myself that I might be taken for someone else of an entirely opposite character.

I am apparently the complete opposite of a sociopath. (Seriously. I took a test.) WHEW! ‪#‎dodgedabullet‬

Hopefully not another employee stealing credit cards, Brooke mused. Or any sort of headache-inducing “oops moment,” like the time one of the restaurant managers called to ask if he could fire a line cook after discovering that the man was a convicted murderer.“Jeez. How’d you learn that?” Brooke had asked.“He made a joke to one of the waiters about honing his cooking skills in prison. The waiter asked what he’d been serving time for, and he said, ‘Murder.’”“I bet that put an end to the conversation real fast. And yes, you can fire him,” Brooke had said. “Obviously, he lied on his employment application.” All of Sterling’s employees, regardless of job position, were required to answer whether they’d ever been convicted of a crime involving “violence, deceit, or theft.” Pretty safe to say that murder qualified.Ten minutes later, the manager had called her back.“Um . . . what if he didn’t exactly lie? I just double-checked his application, and as it turns out, he did check the box for having been convicted of a crime.”Brooke had paused at that. “And then the next question, where we ask what crime he’d been convicted for, what did he write?”“Uh . . . ‘second-degree murder.’”“I see. Just a crazy suggestion here, Cory, but you might want to start reading these applications a little more closely before making employment offers.”“Please don’t fire me.

The difference between an ignorant fool shoveling manure in a bullpen, and a fool with a PhD, is that the fool with the PhD can shovel more of it, faster.

That was 1993 grunge in suburbia. This was 2003 hell in Harlem. (Dark City Lights)

Most people do not mind having a house that is smaller and/or a car that is cheaper than their neighbours’, as long as they each earn and have more money than their neighbours, and, equally important, their neighbours know that.

Our atheist thoughts go out to his family following their loss.

There was an edge to his expression, like he didn't trust anyone who was more attractive than he was.

Find answers in your weakness and surprise in your strength and always remember the golden rule every failure has HOPES

There are stranger things out there than flying pigs.

Instead of hopping around like a wild in'jun on fire, try counting from 10 backwards while hopping on one foot".

Selling eternal life is an unbeatable business, with no customers ever asking for their money back after the goods are not delivered.

We are all copy cats. The only original 'thing' is God, And "him", hell, most of us know as little as we know cats.

A secretary must think like a man act like a lady look like a girl and work like a dog.

I can't seem to recall if I've ever had amnesia before.

Big people never scare me. I am a little man. I can easily hide.

We are way less likely to love someone just because they love us than we are to hate someone just because they hate us.

Adventuring turned out to be boring. Zach thought back to all the fantasy books he'd read where a team of questers traveled overland, and realized a few things. First he'd pictured himself with a loyal steed that would have done most of the walking, so he hadn't anticipated the blister forming on his left heel or the tiny pebble that seemed to have worked its way under his sock, so that even when he stripped off his sneaker he couldn't find it.He hadn't thought about how hot the sun would be either. When he put together his bunch of provisions, he never thought about bringing sunblock. Aragorn never wore sunblock. Taran never wore sunblock. Percy never wore sunblock. But despite all that precedent for going without, he was pretty sure his nose would be lobster-red the next time he looked in the mirror.He was thirsty, too, something that happened a lot in books, but his dry throat bothered him more than it had ever seemed to bother any character.And, unlike in books where random brigands and monsters jumped out just when things got unbearably dull, there was nothing to fight except for the clouds of gnats, several of which Zach was pretty sure he'd accidentally swallowed.

Being rich or famous is the only profound thing that some people have ever said.

Some men’s chests are more buttlike than some women’s butts.

Love yourself’ the social horde spouts from on high, mere moments later they frown at a bypassing narcissist.

First, let me finish. Then interrupt.

Stella explained that when he had arrived, because of his English accent, she had assumed that he was me, and had asked where his fridge was. She didn't tell me what his reply was, and we can only hazard a guess, but I was impressed that he had been prepared to stay the night. It is surely a brave man who goes ahead and checks into an establishment where the first question is 'Where's your fridge?'. Especially if, as he had done, you had arrived by motorcycle.

Common sense is a tool that isn't in everyone's shed.

Seeing someone reading a book you love is seeing a book recommending a person

to be in charge. To be the wise owl. The comforter. I felt I’d moved beyond that. Gained my own wisdom. Found comfort in my own company. In just being me. The long healing process was at an end, hastened by these few days of sunshine and blissful solitude.

His only real financial failure came at the age of thirteen when, in an uncharacteristic error of judgement, he invested £200,000 of his own savings in wooden socks, an invention that never caught on as he had hoped.

Most people would rather eat inside a windowless room in which they have just defecated than eat inside one in which someone else has just farted, even if the room does not have a toilet.