Humorous Quotes - Page 5

I am grateful for hands to tickle with. Not so grateful for that process in reverse, however.

Forgive my asking you to use your mind. It is a thing which no novelist should expect of his reader...

God has given you the same brain, so use your own in stead of borrowing ideas from somebody else. Think about and fathom the ideas before following them.

When things are going really well, we should take time to notice it.

It is still cheating, even if nobody comes.

[Showing the apartment to Tiziano ]MARLEEN WALKER: “Let me alert you that animals are banned in this building.”TIZIANO CONTI: “Am I breaking the law right now?

Just like how most if not all poor boys look up to and aspire to someday be rich men, most if not all underdeveloped and developing countries look up to and aspire to someday be developed countries.

Most people who are would each not be in love with their partner, if they did not have the kind of genitals they have.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Soylent Green" No matter how many times I see that movie, I still get a hankerin' for a Big Mac.

A smile is the best way to get oneself out of a tight spot, even if it is a fake one. Surprisingly enough, everyone takes it at face value. I read that in a book.""If you keep staring at me, I'll hit you.""I only became part of your team recently when I replaced Sasuke, so I don't know everything that's going on. I don't really understand people either. But even I can tell that Naruto really loves you. Naruto's been shouldering that promise for a long time...I think he means to shoulder it for the rest of his life. I don't know what you said to him, but it's just like what's been done to me - it feels like a curse. Sasuke causes Naruto pain, but I think you do too.""Sasuke is only helping spread his darkness across the world. Letting him live will only sow the seeds of another war. He's just another criminal now. Sasuke lost all hope of coming back when his group, Akatsuki, attacked our village. Your fellow Konoha shinobi would never accept him now. Sakura's not stupid, either. She understands the position he's put us all in. That's why she came out here, to tell you herself.

The ultimate downfall of the computerized holographic receptionist was that there was no amount of flattery, flirtation or chocolate that could convince one to lie for you.

Without craziness, there is no courage.

We skipped right over Walmart on the ladder down.

My best advice is never to address any woman as Madam unless she holds a high position in government or you happen to find yourself in a brothel speaking to its owner.

Wit is so shining a quality that everybody admires it, most people aim at it, all people fear it and few love it unless in themselves. A man must have a good share of wit himself to endure it in others. The more wit you have, the more good nature and politness you must show to induce people to pardon your superiority, for that is no easy matter.

When reality and your dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.

Saying that you do not remember something or someone is a less embarrassing or hurtful way of saying that you do not know it or them anymore.

A premature death does not only rob one of the countless instances where one would have experienced pleasure, it also saves one from the innumerable instances where one would have experienced pain.

Writing isn't a choice. It's a calling. So answer the damn phone already!

YOU have to design your own Price tag for the world.

Sex with a married woman ten years his senior was stress free and fulfilling, because it couldn't lead to anything

If being ugly was a crime, they'd be hunting that woman down with helicopters and bloodhounds.

The interesting part of life is; when you start to be negative about others, it starts negatively with you first.

Sharks to not eat Chinese people because they get hungry thirty minutes later".

I notice being noticed immediately – I’m a freeway goddess! In the past five minutes of gridlock, I have been checked out by a bald man in convertible Mustang, a cowboy in an F-150, and a body-builder in a Lincoln Navigator. Watch out road warriors! I don’t want to be responsible for any accidents. If only I had a car decal that advertised: Available – if you meet my eligibility criteria!

She was called a cook, but there was no real evidence she had even a small amount of ability to do this. Every meal, no matter how much you thought you liked it before, would be ruined forever after having one of Margery’s slop versions of it. Burger and Chips or Lasagne, as Mike liked, were gruesomely murdered by the time Margery had used the ingredients (and added some special ones of her own!) to deliver a pile of gruel. It did not matter what the menu said; when served, it was always green, even if none of the ingredients were actually green!“Nexxxttt! Hey, you, I said NEXXTT!!!” she shouted at the violet boy who had hesitated to wonder if life was really worth this. “What’s your name, boy? Speak up now and tell me which class you are in?” This was a usual evil method Margery used so children had to give up holding their breath and smell the putrid stench of her sweaty BO mixed with the green muck she scooped from a giant vat beside her. The poor boy nearly passed out when it hit him, but, fortunately, his friend helped him stay up. He quickly grabbed his tray and sloshed his green slush all over as he ran for freedom. NNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEXXXXXXXXXXXTTTTTTT!!!

In my experience, the romance novels written about BDSM have about as much in common with actual BDSM relationships as a child playing with a jump rope.

Allow me to remove my headphones to listen to your bullshit.

That´s the problem with planning a late night supper after the opera, not only does the hero or the heroine die singing, but you end up famished after the last notes of the finale.

When I was young, I believed God was a woman because I couldn't come up with any other explanation as to why the universe was so tidy.

You know what you tell a man with two black eyes? Nothing. He's already been told twice."Darryl the cop

Respect is reverence out of love, Fear is reverence out of hate.Choose Wisely

There probably was a time when the idea of having a toilet inside a house was repulsive.

If that phone ain't ringing, I assume it still ain't you" Randy Travis

In all of the possible scenarios Kian had envisioned, encountering a lunatic had not been one of them. It just showed him that he could never be completely prepared.

When you are stressed and challenged by hardships just smile through it as frowning won’t help in changing the situation

To ask a man whether or not he has a girlfriend is to talk about his sex life. If you disagree with that, then how in the name of God do you differentiate between a man’s girlfriend and a girl that is a friend to the man?

On those who judge, illusions are entertaining; In honestly, I find error in some of their truth.

A goatee is to beards what diamonds are to ornaments.

Time may be defined as " dimension governed by activity." Dimension diminishes with inactivity so does the value of time.

Some women have kissed—and some are kissing—a lot of frogs, even though the very first man that they have each kissed was and is still a prince.

A mother’s eyes are like God; impossible to get away from, they see everything.

Wisdom of the Ages: "True Nobility" Comes not from thinking one is better than others-it comes from working toward the betterment of all.

Sometimes life is like living in a chamber of Liquid Oxygen. Liquid don't allow you to live and Oxygen don't let you die.

Children are holy angels.

As a reformed procrastinator, I'm now getting things done in the first 10 seconds of the last minute.

Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.

I would rather write a book without a title if my true friend chooses to live in a million dollar home in London and acts foreign.

If you don't think you have enough problems, you should acquire a mammal in Sweden just hours before you're about to fly home to the other side of the world, and then insist that the animal must come along in your luggage.

How am I going to explain to my kids one day that I can't buy them a happy meal because the toy will make them fat?

It was the ship of dreams to everyone else.

It's funny how often we celebrate by poisoning ourselves

My sub doesn't pay for me,” he says, pulling me to my feet. “That just doesn't happen.”“But we ordered so much,” I say helpl

Life's a crapshoot, Sam. At least you filled the cheap seats.

I'm torn between none of your business and kiss my ass.

The only thing more difficult than persuading someone else to start having sex with you is persuading yourself to stop.

Well, I've got tomorrow morning off, so I thought I might spend that thinking about her. Basically, my plan is to maybe just romantically obsess over her but not really do anything about it.

... a man doesn't like to have his ego popped, especially when he prides himself on his sagacity, and then to be proved wrong by a man who claims he doesn't know anything.

I have come to see the nonsense of trying to describe fine scenery.

Me and Vinny are dead careful, and we only had sex once without a condom, our first time, and it's a scientific fact that virgins can't get pregnant. Stella told me.