Humorous Quotes - Page 3

Some people ate less food less often when they each had a home than they now do as hobos.

People think I am younger then I really am,because I act so immature.

Nigromanta took him to her room, which was lighted with false candlesticks, to her folding cot with the bedding stained from bad loves, and to her body of a wild dog, hardened and without a soul, which prepared itsself to dismiss him as if he were a frightened child, and suddenly it found a man whose tremendous power demanded a movement of seismic readjustment from her insides.

More often than not, an inspirational or motivational speaker is someone who makes money from telling us that we can do all of the things that we can do … and pretty much all of the things that we cannot do.

Riding in a carriage without an escort is modern. But traveling out and about unescorted is unheard of.

How initially 'to get her in the sack' and subsequently to avoid 'her giving you the sack' are not identical dilemmas faced by the male species, but they sure have a bizarre habit of being bedfellows

B.I.B.L.E. = Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.

She turned to Stephanie. "I'm going to the bathroom. You coming?" "Yes, since women have to travel in pairs." Tonya chuckled. Once that were around the corner, Stephanie pounced. "Holy crap! I've never seen you like that before. Not that I ever had the chance, but holy shit, Tonya, you need to jump on this train. I think it's coming for you whether you want it to or not.

What are you doing?”Celaena lifted another piece of paper. “If His Pirateness can’t be bothered to clean for us, then I don’t see why I can’t have a look.”“He’ll be here any second,” Sam hissed. She picked up a flattened map, examining the dots and markings along the coastline of their continent. Something small and round gleamed beneath the map, and she slipped it into her pocket before Sam could notice.“Oh, hush,” she said, opening the hutch on the wall adjacent to the desk. “With these creaky floors, we’ll hear him a mile off.” The hutch was crammed with rolled scrolls, quills, the odd coin, and some very old, very expensive-looking brandy. She pulled out a bottle, swirling the amber liquid in the sunlight streaming through the tiny porthole window. “Care for a drink?

Ask your wife for forgiveness, even when you’re right.

Gentlemen do not carry a cane or a hat? No gloves?”“Gentleman may still wear them, but I’m afraid the problem is that there aren’t many left.

The American dream is actually Cuban.

Women are heavyweight boxers; only, they punch with words, not fists.

Buy this book , buy this book , you need this book, buy book now.'Subliminal messaging works!

By the standards of a tourist strolling past looking for a quick lunch, the place was a dive. The sign on the window was small and easy to miss, and the antique feel of the place wasn't the prepackaged, old-shit-on-the-wall nostalgia that came with so many chain restaurants. The cafe was just old, and everything about it said old. But Jon liked it that way, if only because it kept the tourists away and spared him from hearing imported ignorance when there was plenty of local ignorance to go around.

How is that weird?” Dark the First asked incredulously. “Literally everyone does it. Literally.” “I really wish you’d stop saying literally,” Dark the Second said. “I literally don’t think you understand what that word means.

He with the cleanest clothes isn’t necessarily the cleanest.

Today was the introduction, and introductions were important. The girl had to meet the boy in an equal setting – if they met any other way there’d always be a question about whether it was True Love or a more financially motivated desire that awakened the passions.

This is the staff sergeant coming out," Kelly told Hagan quietly. "I'm used to it."Hagan looked him up and down, narrowing his eyes. "You come like a fire hose when he gives you an order, don't you?""Only if he tells me to," Kelly countered with a smirk.

No matter how much struggle you face in your journey towards success, someday you will look back and realize your struggles changed your life for the better.

The Ruhar hit us on Columbus Day. There we were, innocently drifting along the cosmos on our little blue marble, like the native Americans in 1492. Over the horizon come ships of a technologically advanced, aggressive culture, and BAM! There go the good old days, when humans only got killed by each other.

Some people wish they were as happy as or happy like some people think they are.

You need to be greedy or ignorant to truly want to live forever.

A person never rise by pulling others down.

despair all ye mortals,” he said in a voice of doom. “the mama approacheth

On the toilet no one is a star. Remember that and you will go far in life.

If life takes you long way, take a shortcut!

Wisdom of the Ages: "Tooth Fairy" Growing up in the Northwest was tough. For years I thought the Tooth Fairy was a big boat with cars and sharp teeth.

Listen. Just because we got a mutual hankering, doesn't mean we have to act on it. Aside from the hankering, there isn't much about you that I like. So far, you've been a pain in the behind. And I might as well tell you, I've followed through on one hankering and getting shot was more of an enjoyable experience. I didn't like it.

I made a noise of disgust, and I think I would have stormed out if I knew how to open the door.

If all else fails, stop drop and roll..works for me..:)

Wisdom of the Ages: "Brian Williams Week" Just like me in 2003, it looks like Brian Williams ended up "Between Iraq and a Hard Place.

I've never written a quote I feel would be suitable for my gravestone. Wouldn't it be ironic if it were this one? Oh, and could you pull a few weeds while you're here?

Are you okay?" Kelly cried."I shot dinner," Nick said.Kelly snorted. "Look, Hannibal, you can shoot back if they 're shooting at you, but it's still not okay to eat them afterward.

To be successful in life , Plan, Implement, Revise, Update, and Build on Change.

Desires and Karma are the worst enemies living in the same soul together. It depends on us whom we choose and feed.

It paid to be cultured, just as long as you didn't start growing bacteria.

And here is my sweet little Annamaria,’ she added, tenderly caressing a little girl of three years old, who had not made a noise for the last two minutes; ‘And she is always so gentle and quiet—Never was there such a quiet little thing!’ But unfortunately in bestowing these embraces, a pin in her ladyship’s head dress slightly scratching the child’s neck, produced from this pattern of gentleness such violent screams, as could hardly be outdone by any creature professedly noisy. The mother’s consternation was excessive; but it could not surpass the alarm of the Miss Steeles, and every thing was done by all three, in so critical an emergency, which affection could suggest as likely to assuage the agonies of the little sufferer. She was seated in her mother’s lap, covered with kisses, her wound bathed with lavender-water, by one of the Miss Steeles, who was on her knees to attend her, and her mouth stuffed with sugar plums by the other. With such a reward for her tears, the child was too wise to cease crying.

Pop music is like an auditory cup of coffee. It has no nutritional value but it gets you going.

At around 6:00 a.m., April 30, 1987, we were awakened by a loud bull horn while inside our rented mobile home at an Ozark, Missouri trailer park."Glenn Miller, Jack Jackson, Douglas Sheets, Tony Wydra, this is a United States Marshal. You have three minutes to come out with your hands up, or we will commence firing."The feds had flown in two SWAT teams; one from Kentucky, the other from Louisiana (40 in all, plus the Marshals and local authorities) to make the arrests.We were surrounded.I had a hang-over, couldn't find my pants, and had to pee, bad.

Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he thought we were headed to Iraq.

He crouched at the care window and looked in. "What a lovely family you have. What a charming family. They're all lovely. Except for that one." His finger jabbed the glass. "That one's a bit ugly."The American stepped towards him. "What? What did you say?""Oh, don't worry. I'm sure his personality makes up for his face.

I gave Henry a supscription [sic] to the Book of the Month club that tells you the book you have to read every month to make your individuality stand out. And it really is remarkable, because it makes over 50,000 people read the same book every month.

I apply for a new job twice a week, every week. I am applying for the position of millionaire but so far my numbers haven't come up.

At least a hospital stay will give him an excuse to halt the job hunt.

THE Biggest enemy of Truth is known as Facts in our Society

When you fall asleep after a big lunch you're really just saving up energy to work off all the calories later on.

His boat sank. They were all on his side.

Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth.

It's all life is. Just going 'round kissing people.

You got it all wrong in your way of thinking.

Love is what makes two people sit in the middle of a bench when there is plenty of room at both ends. Love means nothing in tennis,But it's everything in life

Mr. Morrow, IOI owns this network..." "Of course they do!" Morrow shouted gleefully. 'The own practically everything! Including you, pretty boy! I mean did they tattoo a UPC code on your ass when they hired you to sit there and spout their corporate propaganda?

Chances are that there are white people who brag about being the first to move out of a suburb that has been intruded by blacks.

When you are suffering from sexual starvation, a spank or even a hug seems like a porn scene.

Corrival looked around. 'So is this it? Is everyone here? Erskine, maybe you should start the ball rolling. I have places to go and things to do.''Me?' Ravel asked. 'Why do I have to start it? You're the most respected mage here. You start it, or Skulduggery.'Skulduggery shook his head. 'I can't start it. I don't like most of these people. I might start shooting.

(Referring to the piano's natural shape) Isn't it a shame when those big fat opera singers lean against the pianos and bend them?

I do not do free e-books. I occasionally like to eat that thing you people call "food".

Unicorns aren't magical and beautiful. They're just predatory horses that have horns and love to eat virgins.

Victory! Catherine wanted to pull the front of her top over her head and run around the office making V-signs. Of course she wouldn’t do that