Humorous Quotes - Page 2

Wisdom of the Ages: "New Year" For a kid, the ultimate source of confusion. They say it's a new year, but after the break, you realize you are still in the same class, with the same lousy people.

I’d like to THANK the genius who saw a bunch of cherries and thought....HEY!! If I dry out a bunch of those berry seeds, call them “BEANS”, smash them and add hot water, it will be AWESOME!!!!

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

I screamed, Go to hell! in the car, and the GPS took me to my mother-in-law's house.

If a man can save himself, there is no need for a Saviour.

Well, she asked him questions about his age and his attainments. The fact that he was a Catholic gave her pause, but when I explained to her that the present Pope was a well-meaning sort of chap, she said she was prepared to meet him halfway.

...Rusty followed. “You should probably pull out your gun. Whatever is in there made enough noise to make me believe it wasn’t a bug.” Kirsten’s stride faltered, and she came to a stop at the door. “Okay, I’m gonna come clean right now. I cannot stand rats or mice. Snakes scare me less. So if I get in there and I see a furry vermin, I will scream like a little girl. If you tell anyone you witnessed that, I will ticket you every time you pull out of your driveway. Are we clear?” “Are you sure you don’t want me to go to the store?” Kirsten met Rusty’s gaze. “Are you clear on what I just said?” “Yep.

What if everything about me is totally made up? What if I’m actually…I don’t know. A wanted fugitive in the States.”“Julia.” He reached across the table and grabbed her hand. “Nobody makes up being a high school math teacher.”“That’s why it’s the perfect disguise!”He shook his head. “Nobody.

Attending a funeral would leave the average person insane, if they truly believed that sooner or later they are also going to die.

I may not be perfect, but God knows I'm trying . . . and God knowing should count for something.

In reality most human beings are not, to most human beings, more important than money.

I might not have superpowers, but I know how to knee a guy in the nuts.

Where's the guy who gave me Twinkies and Coke?

Many a time, you may not even have to speak, however difficult the situation; your goatee speaks for you.

Mad Rogan: "Resistance is futile."Nevada: "You are not assimilating me!

We know already ample experience that it does not require much cleverness or much learning to be a governor, for there are a hundred round about us that scarcely know how to read.

France is the only country where the money falls apart and you can't tear the toilet paper.

It goes without saying that even those of us who are going to hell will get eternal life—if that territory really exists outside religious books and the minds of believers, that is. Having said that, given the choice, instead of being grilled until hell freezes over, the average sane human being would, needless to say, rather spend forever idling in an extremely fertile garden, next to a lamb or a chicken or a parrot, which they do not secretly want to eat, and a lion or a tiger or a crocodile, which does not secretly want to eat them.

She looks me dead in the face and says, “The safe word is going to be ‘immigration,’ because you know I’ll stop it.

No matter what goals you set to accomplish always remember there is a thing known as Life which you should never forget to live and enjoy

Listen carefully, I’m going to say three words.”“I love you?

Sometimes being successful means pissing people off

Do not open that door until I'm in my room. I may be old and losing my hair, but I still want to look nice for a handsome man.

I do not have a problem with people killing themselves, as long as they took at least a hundred years to think about what they are about to do.

We are sometimes dragged into a pit of unhappiness by someone else’s opinion that we do not look happy.

Get out of my brain!

One should never give up on hope. Unless that's the name of the girl who cheated on you in which case, yeah, give her up.

Nothing can enslaved us, if we free in our minds.

The only good thing about people not taking me seriously is that I'm not serious myself!

Can a person really love someone so deeply after only a week? Hello? Cliche much for insta-love?

Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: "Tom Brady's balls" Nothing more than a publicity stunt to keep the NFL Network from losing San Francisco's market share.

The train hit her with the sound of a meat-filled hefty bag smacking the pavement, and the effect was much the same, I guess. (Dark City Lights)

More often than not, expecting to lose weight without first losing the diet that made the weight loss necessary is like expecting a pig to be spotless after hosing it down while it was still rolling in mud.

Charity knew she had to begin looking for a job soon. Definitely tomorrow, or the next day. Or perhaps the day after that. Charity didn't believe in procrastination. She just needed to plan her strategy. She was sound asleep on the sofa when Lady Margaret got back from London.

Some men would not still be HIV negative or alive, if they had managed to sleep with some of the women with whom they want or wanted to have sex.

50% of all facts are false and the other half are just made up

My favorite quote in the world is this one.

I shot him a look. "That bouncer was really big."His lips quirked. "Oh, Kitten, see, I try not to say bad things.""What?"The grin spread. "I would say size doesn't matter but it does. I would know." he winked, and I let out a disgusted groan. He laughed.

Tanith frowned. Did people still go on DATES any more? She was sure they did. They probably called it something different though. She tried to think of the last date she'd been on. The last PROPER date. Did fighting side by side with Saracen Rue count as a date? They ended up snuggling under the moonlight, drenched in gore and pieces of brain - so it had PROBABLY been a date. If it wasn't, it was certainly a fun time had by all. Well, not ALL. But she and Saracen had sure had a blast.

Damn, he was good. I'd been professionally sullied without a single item of clothing removed.

That's a good attitude. You should hate me more, curse me more, and detest me! Then you should take the power of that hatred and use it to survive this rotten world.

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man".

Have you ever heard of a condom? Don't Carpathians have condoms? Because I'm thinking that if you're all that worried, a condom might be just the thing." His smile was slow in coming. "I had not thought of that. As a rule Carpathians do not need such things.

Most human beings strongly believe that money is way less important than the life of a human being, but in reality five hundred, fifty, or even five dollars are way more important to the lives of most human beings than the lives of most human beings.

Oh, you know what bloggers are like, they write and write and write. I don't know why, because they're not being paid.

Kloo nodded at Lex in an indescribably maternal way, somehow cramming a lifetime of compassion, support, and tenderness all into one slight bounce of the head.

If dat ghost have money, I tells him never to haunt you less'n he wants to lose it!

I guess 'joint' would imply two people had ownership, which, thanks Life, is simply no longer the case.

It's all right, darling. I'll finish the financial report on my own. I can think clearly before sex and stay awake afterwards. That's one of the nice things about being a woman.

He stood at the table facing Flora and blowing heavily on his tea and staring at her. Flora did not mind. It was quite interesting: like having tea with a rhinoceros.

Lucian. She's not normal. She's got the sex drive of Ursula. I'm so ashamed to say I've faked illnesses and gone to the doctor just to have a doctor's excuse! ~Steve~

When it's all been said and done...There's hell of a lot more said, than done.

I am an existential libertarian humanist cocksucker. Now, what else do you want to know?

I was sitting on the couch in the living room, pouring through an old sci-fi novel I’d found in one of the ruins, and I could hear the water bubbling as he cooked. The spaghetti smelled good, but I knew he’d probably put something crazy in it like popcorn or marshmallows, so I ignored my rumbling belly.

If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave.

Love wins when reflections win over reflexes.

I refuse to lie to children. I refuse to cater to the bullshit of innocence.

Wisdom of the Ages "US News Media" If the devil is the father of all lies, isn't the US News Media their bitchy stepmother?

I'd much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off of sinking ships.

I haven't devoured a soul in...What month is this? March?