Humorous Quotes - Page 18

Few seem to be able to eat a turkey leg at Disneyland without splattering tsunami scale grease, so grab plenty of napkins or wear a bib, tablecloth or scuba suit.

Best timepass for idle person is to find another and gossip, without realising that there are superlative degrees of idle, idler, and idlest.

Sometimes i wish that I was a man so I could tell haters to 'blow me.

Common sense is only irritating in other people

I nurture very good intentions about you. May you die in peace.

Byron said once of the sea: ‘The monsters of the deep are made; each zone obeys thee; thou goest forth, dread, fathomless, alone,’ yet Sebastian called it, ‘A place where nobody beat us, fry us and eat us in fricassee’. Each to their own.

Since the Devil is in the details...I don't think I'll elaborate.

The only way to be content in life is to make sure your NEED don't become GREED.

He is the biggest asshole on the planet,” Jarod says. “And in a planet that’s currently drowning in assholes, that’s saying a lot.

Thank goodness it only lasted a minute or so.The inhalant, that is. The sex was rather longer

I'm a writer. I write checks. Mostly fiction.

She’d gotten through the entire evening without killing anyone. Lieutenant Eve Dallas, cop to the bone, figured the restraint showed enormous strength of character.

As we all know, as if forever exploiting or attempting to exploit each other were not enough, a group of sane human beings who have just reached the end of a war against a common enemy of theirs will sooner or later start or continue killing and/or fighting against each other.

Thank God it wasn’t beef jerky, or I might’ve ended up dead." "The President's Neighbor" a comedy script by Brett Bacon.

Had a cold hummus with pita bread, Under a delicious food, yellow or red. Might just have the appetite to cook Urgent dinner by hook or crook.So that's just a humus humor spread.

Assisted him? Dylan made the repairs. I only fell and hit my head, from what I can recall. Yes, I make excellent deadweight.

One man's Mona Lisa is another man's velvet Elvis.

Are you aware that Jesus Christ can spell? I get so tired of you spelling every slang and cuss word that crosses your mind, as though you are pulling one over on the Lord.

Dear Me, I made a jackass out of myself tonight. I couldn’t stop it. The second I saw Stacy, I sprouted big donkey ears and a tail. I don’t know why she gets under my skin. Why should I care what she thinks of me? She’ll be gone right along with Jason when Alana gets bored. Alana’s lasagna was terrible. No one noticed that I was slipping the harder pieces of it into my salad bowl and hiding them under the lettuce. It’s a good thing they don’t have a dog because if it was to eat the scraps, it would surely die. Jason and Stacy are gonna be shitting pasta shards. I feel sorry for Jason, not so much for Stacy. I’ll have to patch things up with Alana, so this may not be the right time to tell her that her cooking is lethal. She was pissed when I left her house. I’m sure she’ll tell Mom and Grammy I was a jerk. Jason was probably mad at me too. I feel a little bad about that. Me

Return me safely to my home,” the princess said, “and I shall reward you with your weight in eggs.”tOlorun snorted derisively. “You’re joking, right?”tThe woman’s eyes flitted in embarrassment. t“Now wait a minute,” said Helianthus. “We’re talkin’ eggs here. What sort of eggs? Ostrich eggs?”tNeferre made an impatient noise. “Hel! She doesn’t have any eggs! Unless they’re hidden in a very . . . delicate place.” Neferre grinned at the princess. “Tell me your eggs are hidden where I think they’re hidden.

In some cases, you can tell how somebody is being treated by their own boss from the way they are treating someone to whom they are a boss.

Y’all ever seen that 'monkeys typing in a room for eternity would eventually create the works of Shakespeare' quote? Well, one time Drew got high and stated, 'Wait, that happened already. We’re monkeys, and space is eternity, and we typed, and it happened.' He insisted we put it in the book.

I know that not all my readers like my digressions, but the research that has been done on Caenorhabditis elegans is such a ringing triumph of science that you aren't going to stop me.

The only unreachable dream is the one you don’t reach for.

I bet she thought she was getting into a fight with a vanilla wafer on roller skates but little did she know she was getting into a fight with a spider sandwich.

Wilbur looked at the list glumly. "Are you sure you need all this stuff?""Yep.""The ax?""The ax is critical.""The c

Only Boiled Seeds are afraid of failure.

...life's about accumulating wrinkles, deep as rivers and as wide as is needed to travel along their path, so that by the time you're ready to die, your life can be read.

My partner and I were going to renew our vowels, but the consonants revolted.

This bastard is so guilty he already has his lawyer here.

Self-observation is simply the observation of an internal state and an external event. It is pure awareness, which gives one the ability to choose one's actions. Only by having the choice can one perform what is right.

Slap-stick comedy is really funny, unless you're the one getting slapped with the stick.

If you talk to God you are praying if God talks to you you have schizophrenia.

relations are the failures of life.

Well?" said Loki. "What about you, Heimdall? Do you have any suggestions?""I do," said Heimdall. "But you won't like it."Thor banged his fist down upon the table. "It does not matter whether or not we like it," he said. "We are gods! There is nothing that any of us gathered here would not do to get back Mjollnir, the hammer of the gods. Tell us your idea, and if it is a good idea, we will like it.""You won't like it," said Heimdall."We will like it!" said Thor."Well," said Heimdall, "I think we should dress Thor as a bride. Have him put on the necklace of the Brisings. Have him wear a bridal crown. Stuff his dress so he looks like a woman. Veil his face. We'll have him wear keys that jingle, as women do, drape him with jewels -""I don't like it!" said Thor. "People will think... well, for a start they'll think I dress up in women's clothes. Absolutely out of the question. I don't like it. I am definitely not going to be wearing a bridal veil. None of us like this idea, do we? Terrible, terrible idea. I've got a beard. I can't shave off my beard.""Shut up, Thor," said Loki son of Laufey. "It's an excellent idea.

For a happy life,it's best we should ignore &overlook things,people,incidents,affairs & matters.It is not necessary that we show a reaction to everything. Step back & ask yourself if the matter is really worth responding to.

She's realized the real problem with stories -- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death.

...food was at least three million per cent more delicious when you ate it immediately after thinking you were going to die.

It’s all about “Priorities” There's No Such Thing as "Busy

Stop teasing you two,” Suzy jumped in, “not all of Kathy’s ideas are wacky.”“Gee thanks. Was that supposed to be a compliment?

You have to be careful to kill a fly that is perched on your scrotum.

Men fight like men. Women fight like unchained demons.

Truth: last week I online shopped too much. Then I ate 2 pounds of jelly beans to feel better about that. In fact, while I was trying to read soul-nourishing things all I could think about was shopping and jellybeans. Points to the monkey mind.

We all have this perfect little image of who we want to be, but it is unnecessary. Throw the image away. You're already you just be the best version of yourself.

Hollywood is like Picasso's bathroom.

People who didn't need people needed people around to know that they were the kind of people who didn't need people.

He who laughs last ... just didn't get the joke.

I spread eggshells all over my room, so anyone who tries to get close when I sleep will know what they're walking on

Are you sure you have enough sweetener in that? I could offer to conscript the rest of the cubes from the galley for you.

Many a man was caused to perish by something that he and many men cherish.

Podtyagin considers whether to take offence or not -- and decides to take offence.

So…just to be totally clear, you are a lesbian, right?” Lydia met Harper’s gaze. “I am, and I’m damn proud of it.” “That’s pretty cool.” “Glad you think so,” Lydia said with a smirk. “I’d hate to get another detention for painting you and this ugly-ass badger.

I persuaded him to throw the dirk away and it was as easy as persuading a child to give up some bright fresh new way of killing itself.

There is no other shame like senseless sin.

The dimple in his left cheek was ironic-it gave the impression that he was sweet as a cupcake. (Dark City Lights)

Lonely, Vaguely Pedophilic Swing Set Seeks the Butts of Children.

Before I started working here I drank smoked and used bad language. Thanks to this job I now have good reason.

Men weigh love with hands.

Aging gracefully - A concept that is rejected in 40s, but gracefully accepted in 50s...

Nathan said nothing for a moment. Then, "There’s nothing in my fur, is there?"Simon gave the other Wolf a careful look. “No boogers.” 　　"Good. I hate washing boogers out of fur."“Who doesn’t? What comes out of human noses is disgusting...