Humorous Quotes - Page 17

She complains that I'm lazy, but I just like to save my energy for dinner.

It's not what I'd want for at my funeral. When I die, I just want them to plant me somewhere warm. And then when the pretty women walk over my grave I would grab their ankles, like in that movie.

A friend told me that one day he and I would be rich and famous. I told him that I'd trade my half of the fame, for his half of the money.

When first human found life was a virgin then people made it a bitch

Science and discovery, especially in the field of non-abnormal pediatric mysteries, is built on the work of those who have been sneezed on before us. Causation and rationale may someday be reached, but until then it is the heartwarming and parental nature of the journey that drives us on; well, that and a fresh box of Kleenex.

This is unacceptable! We’re English, damn it! We know how to build things where they shouldn't be!" - Governor Dewar

What does it take to be a writer? 1) Foolhardily believing that someone might actually be interested in reading what you've written. 2) Spending an enormous amount of time writing it as well as you can. 3) Accepting that, at best, you'll probably be paid something around 25 cents an hour for your efforts.

I leave her to chemically combust and find Wren in the student council office, filling out extremely interesting paperwork. He’s buried behind piles of the stuff. I can barely see tufts of his blonde hair poking out. I reach into the paperwork pile and shove the two halves aside. Hundreds of them fall off the desk and to the floor. Papers drift through the air like snowflakes. Fat, boring-ass snowflakes. Wren looks up, face slack with shock. “Whatcha doing?” I ask. “Dividing up funding for the other clubs,” He whispers, clearly distraught. A paper plops onto his head and slides off dejectedly. I’m respectful for three seconds. “So anyway, I had this nightmare in which Jack was sexy and Kayla died.

If you always do what interests you, at least one person is pleased".

I'm turning into an old man. I own four pairs of oxfords, my stories get a little long winded, and my neighbors play their music too loud.

You’ve got to give the door something?’‘Yes,’ said Dumbledore. ‘Blood, if I am not much mistak

I realized that I was okay with myself. I was quirky and withdrawn and loud, but I liked that. I smiled at strangers without thinking they were going to attack me and drag me into their cars. I went to doctors’ offices and touched magazines that had been touched by sick people.

Leisure time is when your wife can't find you

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.

Emma was doing something nice for Simon? Hell must be enjoying the snow day.

This isn't where I intended to be. Killing a person has a funny way of getting your life off-track. (Dark City Lights)

Christian swiped the keys from my hand. "Maybe the fates want us to take the car home. Why do I have a feeling I'm going to regret this?I smirked. "Is that what Viktor said before he hired you?""That's what your husband is going to say before reciting his vows.""That's what every woman says before they have sex with you."Christian swaggered toward the door, swinging the keys around his finger. "That's what I'm going to say before you serve our dinner tonight.

Stella turned to us. "One of us is going to have to swim it. Any volunteers?"Jamie shook his head. "Not it. Sharks, first of all, and second of all, sharks"- The Retribution of Mara Dyer

Marketing is so powerful that it can make even an extremely untalented musician a one-hundred-hits wonder.

I don’t think I’m crazy, but then again, define crazy.

Being Wise & Being Smart are two different things anyone can be smart but those who master the art of knowing what to overlook in this journey called life deserves to be called Wise

What seems like the right thing to do could also be the hardest thing you have ever done in your life

Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: "Wilson or Brady?" The writing is on the ball...

You won't enjoy it," sighed Crowley. "It's been in the car for more than a fortnight." A heavy bass beat began to thump through the Bentley as they sped past Heathrow. Aziraphale's brow furrowed. "I don't recognize this," he said. "What is it?" "It's Tchaikovsky's 'Another One Bites the Dust'," said Crowley, closing his eyes as they went through Slough. To while away the time as they crossed the sleeping Chilterns, they also listened to William Byrd's "We Are the Champions" and Beethoven's "I Want To Break Free." Neither were as good as Vaughan Williams's "Fat-Bottomed Girls.

Gideon laughed. "I like to be direct.""Okay," I said. "But I warn you, I like to be evasive, inserutable and generally send mixed messages." "I doubt it.""Human interaction is not my strong point," I told him. "Not seriously.""Seriously," I said. Thinking: There is so much about me he doesn't know. Gideon put his hand on my leg. "What's your strong point, then?""Goats," I told him. "I am excellent with goats.

What is that thing? It looks like a model of the human digestive tract made from broken beer bottles and sadness.

The most important principle for self discovery and to taste success is rather than changing other's attitude changes your own. And always remember same sun which melts the butter also hardens the clay

Mother-in-laws are necessary, as are mosquitoes, athlete's foot, and beets.

After we bring food home from the grocery store...Dogs must think we are the greatest hunters ever!

As far as he was concerned, there were only two all-important laws on earth:1. Don’t murder people.2. Never swear in front of Lilly.

In the end it will be your “Actions” “Convictions” & “Thoughts” which will determine how you shaped your life.

I don't care what your daddy told you. I don't care what your grandaddy told you. The South lost. Get over it man! -January, 2003; Opening lecture to Intro to Civil War Era Studies, Gettysburg College

Observation:Thanks to technological advances, avid readers seem to be replacing DTBAD (Dead Tree Book Acquisition Disorder) with an alphabet soup of more more modern-day hoarding behaviors: EBAD (E-Book Acquistion Disorder), EGAD (Electronic Gadget Acquisition Disorder), and ABAD (Audiobook Acquisition Disorder). Of course, there's also MYBAD (Movie and YouTube Acquisition Disorder: the hoarding or obsessive viewing of digital films and videos, some based on books). If any of these syndromes describes you, take heart: there's probably an app for that! - 8/9/2013

We, in the interest of the so-called progress, have been persuaded to leave the production and at times the cooking of our food to companies whose owners and employees make a living by exploiting our busyness or laziness and our innate hunger to continue living.

I've had quite enough danger for a while I think. I might have some more when I'm thirteen, but definitely not before then...

A question that always makes me hazy is it me or are the others crazy'Albert Einstein

I mean, I can understand not being as pricey as Percy or Jason, maybe... but am I worth, like, two Franks, or three Franks?

I'm not lazy. I'm just really gifted, only instead of being good at music or math I'm good at sleeping late.

Millions of sane people would each be sexually attracted to their own parent or child if they were not related to them.

The early bird gets the worm that should have slept in.

There are too many questions and not enough painkillers in the world to get through them all.

There would be fewer absent fathers, if straight men were turned on only by women with whom they would not mind having children.

Remember, finding a publisher is a lot like a date. You can submit willfully and keep getting rejected, but in the end, you can always self-publish yourself.

You know your life is completely screwed up when you have to look up the mythological figures who talk to you in the bathroom mirror.

Adventures of Lailah Gifty Akita, the wonder woman!

Not every single way of saying the right thing is right.

I can't help but think about things critically. Sometimes it can be a curse. What I wouldn't give every once in a while to be a blithering idiot skipping through life with shit in my pants like it's a goddamned party.

Be brave to share your story! Each of our stories, have a golden treasure for a specific need.

But in a time of war, knowledge made interesting friendships. Soon, the scholars and the thieves were . . . well, thick as thieves.

Orange is the New Black is a really boring porn.

My embarrassment was complete. If I just had passed out, that would have been bad enough. But to make matters worse, Will had carried me outside, where everyone else was; everyone in my youth group had seen Will carrying me. I felt like melting into the bench on which I sat.

Miami bumper sticker: My horn is broken-so watch for my finger.

I love you like a big fish

You probably drink too much. If you hand me that bottle, I'll reduce your temptations. --Augustus "Gus" McCrae

All art requires is courage and the commitment to eat lots of biscuits. D Ellis / 2016

The average adult has had sex innumerable times more than they have formed an opinion of their own.

Some people are each holding on to a lover of theirs who no longer loves them and/or who they no longer love, only because they do not want to have a reason or another reason to be jealous of the person who would eventually be their lover if they let go of them.

Not everyone who condemns masturbation can masturbate.

Prestidigitation? You've got to be joking. No one says that.

(Responding to a sneeze from the audience) Who exploded?