Humorous Quotes - Page 14

Wisdom of the Ages: "Women" Any culture that has supported the education, rights and sanctity of women has dominated those cultures who have not. As Lycurgus the Spartan lawgiver once said, "Strong women make strong men.

While a kind man was working up the nerve to ask me on a date, I was working up the nerve to kill him with my bare hands

In his life there was only one woman. The other one.

Every interaction is an opportunity to learn, Only if we are interested in improving rather than proving.

The fastest way to end an argument with your wife is to admit she’s right.

A muffin what? Are you asking me to eat you or something?

Who do I think would appreciate my book?I’m surprised anybody does. Oops, did I say that out loud?

Lending books to other people is merely a shrewd form of housecleaning.

He's so dumb he couldn't find his way out of a birth canal.

As I reflect on all my friends and colleagues in my life on this special occasion... Mother is only half the word that immediately comes to mind.

The Cubists are entitled to the serious attention of all who find enjoyment in the colored puzzle pictures of the Sunday newspapers. Of course there is no reason for choosing the cube as a symbol, except that it is probably less fitted than any other mathematical expression for any but the most formal decorative art. There is no reason why people should not call themselves Cubists, or Octagonists, or Parallelopipedonists, or Knights of the Isosceles Triangle, or Brothers of the Cosine, if they so desire; as expressing anything serious and permanent, one term is as fatuous as another.

If you want to know how old a woman is . . . ask her sister-in-law.

Are you on crack? Or did I take a righteous bong hit before coming here?

Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: "Unger Games" If your meals depend on you beating the Seahawks, you're gonna go "'Unger-y.

I could feel the spring in my step as I walked up one flight of stairs from the parking garage into the company’s lobby. Although I wore my old blue suit, a remnant of all my previous job interviews, I felt the day had new possibilities. After all, I was interviewing at a company that made something I loved – movies!

If you call yourself an "authoress" on your Facebook profile, you suck at life. You are stupid and your children are ugly. It doesn't matter if you're just trying to be cute and original. You're not. You are about as original as all those other witless twits "writing" the one millionth shitty Fifty Shades clone. Or maybe you're trying to show your 2000 fake Facebook "friends" that you are an empowered feminist who will not stand for sexist terminology. But you're not showing people that you are fighting the good fight, you're showing people that you are a sheep, who's trying just a little too hard to ride the current wave of idiotic political correctness. The word "author" is no more gender-discrimination than the word "person." Do you call yourself a personess? No, of course not, because then you might as well wear a sign around your neck that says, "Hello, I'm a retard.

If men had to have babies there wouldn’t be any sex life left.

No body is a looser either he is a Winner or a Learner

I mean. You put puppies in a store front, I will stop and giddily stare. Every. Single. Time.

...I’m insane, Jorie thought. She saw herself lying in a hospital bed, her wallet and valuables gone. When asked why she got into a car with a woman she didn’t know, her reply would land her in the psych ward. Well, you see, I have this fantasy lover because, frankly, they’re so much easier to deal with. She never makes a mess, loves my demonic cat, always says the right thing at the right time. I saw this woman, and she was my dream come to life, so I just had to get into the car with her because I’m an idiot...

If you dont like my book write your own.

You soon know the difference between a real newspaper and an electronic one as soon as a fly won't leave you alone.

I've been coerced into free will.

Learn more and Know more.

But beauty, real beauty, ends where an intellectual expression begins. Intellect is in itself a mode of exaggeration, and destroys the harmony of any face. The moment one sits down to think, one becomes all nose, or all forehead, or something horrid. Look at the successful men in any of the learned professions. How perfectly hideous they are! Except, of course, in the Church. But then in the Church they don't think.

Lena was going down the list of John's attributes in her mind, a list I was hoping wasn't too long. "He could see and hear and smell things I couldn't."Link inhaled deeply, then coughed. "Dude, you really need a shower.

I suspect he's sweet on Sophie and doesn't like to see her work too hard.'Tessa was glad to hear it. She'd felt awful about her reaction to Sophie's scar, and the thought that Sophie had a male admirer - and a handsome one like that- eased her conscience slightly. 'Perhaps he's in love with Agatha', she said.'I hope not. I intend to marry Agatha myself. She may be a thousand years old, but she makes an incomparable jam tart. Beauty fades, but cooking is eternal.

I remember the teacher telling us that Ukraine was part of the Soviet Union, alongside Russia. “The Soviet Union is the largest and most glorious empire that the world has ever seen,” the teacher lectured. “We’re all proud comrades. We’re all like brothers. We’re so lucky to be part of the greatest nation that has ever existed. We love our country and our country loves us like a mother loves her children.

A man who has shot lions in large quantities has an unfair advantage over other men.

All I wanted for Christmas was a New Years Eve party that I would never forget. Too bad I got too drunk to remember it.

Some people are born without souls and will never evolve.

Don’t keep those people in your life who are completely negative in approach. Eventually these people will stress you out and be the source of your downfall.

Patriotism is the narcissism of countries.

If you wish to compare, compare yourself with God's commandment.

Noronha's Laws1. No man works harder than he must.2. The joy of living, lies in making little things big.3. Try never to do what you do not want to do. The secret of a happy old age is in never doing what you do not want to do.

This book is visceral like how your small intestine is visceral

I’m not sure this is what we bargained for, boy. We expected the girl to be attractive.”If I hadn’t been so terrified, I would have been insulted.

The pig was so earnest. So sincere. So very “there.” The pig brought gravity and mythic import to this well-worn fairy tale.

A lie near to truth is always difficult to catch

To increase the chances of a writer trying to kill themselves, cut off their hands.

You act like the sorcerers are invading the continent for the sole joy of hunting me down and lobbing me off of tall objects.

That's all you need? Easy. I love you.Okay? Want it louder?I love you. Spell it out schould I l-o-v-e y-o-u. Want it backwards You love I.

Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, So ... Love the people who treat you right and pray for the ones who don't. Life is 10% what you make it 90% how you take it.

Part of my soul goes into each quote I write. A book of my quotes can be yours for just $19.99.

Love is the reflection of a broken heart in a shattered mirror...

A good friend will bail you out of jail. A true friend will be sitting next to you saying, 'damn, we fucked up'.

99% of all problems can be solved by money -- and for the other 1% there's alcohol.

I ran outta tears of sadness when I was 20 & all I got left is tears of joy.

So I’m reading some poem by Louise . . . something, I forget her last name, but it’s about Hades and the underworld, and I don’t even notice that Paige has come up to my table until she says, ‘Doesn’t everyone want love?’ And I’m thinking, wow, that’s a pretty deep question, but then again Paige is really smart, and this is my chance to finally show her that I’m not just a dumb jock. So I say, ‘I heard this theory once that love means your subconscious is attracted to someone else’s subconscious.’”“Very deep,” Cade said.“Exactly. And I’m feeling proud of myself for that one, until she points to the book and says, ‘Oh, that wasn’t a question. I was just quoting a line from the poem.

Deep down, he's shallow.

And you'd be left there like a fucking dumpling. You'd be standing there. A fucking dumpling man I'm telling ye.

I had to be the world's biggest loser, writing about hair, and stuff about my body. No wonder I stopped keeping a journal. It was like keeping a record of my own stupidity. Why would I want to do that?

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex she objects.

The average adult hates being treated like a child, unless it suits them.

Forget your past,Use your pain;Accept that pain,And Achieve the gain.

I can look a whole day with delight upon a handsome picture, though it be but of an horse.

Life is about the moments you create, that you can keep it with you FOREVER. After everything is over,That is what we have or what we are left with.

We would not be ashamed of doing some of the things we do in private, if the number of sane human beings who do them in public were large enough.

He left not knowing where he was going, he got there not knowing where he was, and he came back not knowing where he had been. But history books will point out Columbus as the person who made the Americas available for exploitation. I guess I can make the same kind of ridiculous claim.

She looked out and saw a tall and comely woman beckoning to her. Susannah's first look at Mia in the flesh astounded her, because the chap's mother was *white.* Apparently Odetta-that-was now had a Caucasian side to her personality and how that must frost Detta Walker's racially sensitive butt!