Humorous Quotes - Page 10

It is possible to live in San Francisco for $35 000 a year. Obviously that doesn't include food or lodging.

An arrogant man whose arrogance we see from his own behaviour is more tolerable than a humble man whose humility we hear of from his own mouth.

Some people hate people who are overconfident, only because their overconfidence reminds them of their underconfidence.

By the way, I have a bone to pick with you." Esperetta"Only one?" Velkan"At the moment." Esperetta"Then I can't wait to hear it." Velkan"'Bram' and 'Stoker'?" Esperetta"It was fitting, I thought." Velkan

Verily, for nine hundred years have I lost. Everyone I knew is dead, the empire gone, and who knows in what state the world is left. Should what thy sister reports prove true, much hath changed in the w

It looks like two alpacas fucking, mostly," he said apologetically. "Of course, sometimes, the boy can't get his boy parts past the girl's furry ass, and he needs a little help, so then it looks like two alpacas fucking while their handler's giving the one on top a handjob.

They were all on his side. Hi boat sank.

If you take hyphens seriously, you will surely go mad.

Oh, y'know, magic stuff is full of weird vibrations!" said Dane. "Makes your palm sweat, gives you that pins and needles sensation when you hold it! Maybe something running up your arm." He paused. "Something that isn't a spider or a bug. Something running up your arm that's an invisible sensation. But not an invisible spider. Like an invisible feeling that's pins and needly. Maybe more needles than pins.""Are you sure that's not a heart attack?" said Jaya.

I only have so much willpower, Helen," he whispered. "And since you apparently sleep in the most ridiculously transparent tank top I've ever seen, I'm going to have to ask you to get under the covers before I do something stupid.

You can't fall in love with someone in a day.""Romeo and Juliet did," Melanie says, tugging me toward the exit."Yeah, and then they killed themselves a few hours later. Thanks for the pep talk, Mel.

Despite his flaws, one has to admit that he is a whale-sized catch.”“I’ll be thrilled when someone harpoons him,” Lillian muttered, making the other two laugh.

A massage is just like a movie, really relaxing and a total escape, except in a massage you're the star. And you don't miss anything by falling asleep!

You are organic, aren't you? Or am I talking to a statue again?

You know, you're rather amusingly wrong.

She did not care what a ludicrous picture she might be painting, a fat happy old lady in her night gown, swinging on a small little swing in the dead of the night.

My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Valentine's Day" Because she never forgets, especially if you do.

Life without risks is like a burrito without Tabasco. Bland, but you’ll still fart.

There is nothing morally wrong with buying stolen goods, unless you know that they were stolen.

Unless it is you, finding out who your lover’s dream lover is is a nightmare.

Its not your fault for not being there.Its my fault for thinking you would be

I could be a morning person -- but only if morning started at noon!

Breath, Love, & Lust This is what we live for

No! I had too many variables! Two of those variables were actually the same variable, so I revised the equation and then it all made perfect sense!" Ada was truly excited. "You seem truly excited, Lady Ada," said Anna cautiously.

One day we found them. They must of been holding a gook convention or something, cause it seem like the same sort of deal as when you step on a anthill and they all come swarming around.

To some believers, being on the pill or using a condom is a nonverbal way of telling God to go to hell.

He has me pinned on my back in record time, his mouth crashing against mine as we frantically devour one another. “Awesome speech,” he murmurs, pushing my sweater up and planting his hot mouth against my equally hot skin. “Very motivational.

The better organized the state, the duller its humanity.

Listen, I'd rather lie naked in a plowed field under an incontinent horse for a week than have to read that paragraph again!

There are three signs of old age: loss of memory ... I forget the other two.

Tribal Chief 1: The will of the people is what is best. That is what democracy meansTribal Chief 2: But if the people don’t know what they are talking about, how can that be the best?

Do not be your own devil.

I vote, I challenge Bathymaasy and we shoot arrows at you dearest brother." ArtemisSet and Bathymaas laughed.Apollo, not so much.

People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.

I remember watching him perform these endless, boring violin solos, with his long hair flowing behind him like an Afghan hound in a gale, and thinking, 'what a tosser.

Well tarnation you're a meanie pants aren't you?" ~Miss Mary~

The Milky Way, which is our galaxy, will collide with its nearest neighbor the Andromeda Galaxy. The two galaxies are heading towards each other at a wickedly high snail’s pace, of about 75 miles per second. This massive crash is expected to occur about 3 to 4 billion years from now.” My suggestion is to keep your head down! Captain Hank Bracker

When selecting a one-night stand, a heterosexual woman who is materialistic is a trillion times more likely to choose a sexually unattractive poor man who seems rich over a sexually attractive rich man who seems poor.

We are sometimes depressed by our failure to convince people who strongly believe that we are that we are definitely not depressed.

Most sane human beings who have managed to attain and retain fame each uses it to dramatically increase their name’s chances of being remembered until Jesus comes back, since their heart cannot do what they consciously or unconsciously lust for, that is to say, for it to beat until Jesus returns.

There were, however, a few exceptions.One was Norma Dodsworth, the poet, who had not unpleasantly drunk but had been sensible enough to pass out before any violent action proved necessary. He had been deposited, not very gently, on the lawn, where it was hoped that a hyena would give him a rude awakening. For all practical purposes he could, therefore, be regarded as absent.

Unrequited love is a billion times less intolerable than unrequited hate.

A person with good heart is always happy. However its a myth because most of the time his heart is full of wounds as it except only good thing from others still he love the people who treat it right & pray for the ones who don't

I’m twenty-four, a first grade teacher, have a Yorkie named Pedro, a goldfish named Fish, have never had sex, or a serious boyfriend, and I’m the town lesbian who pukes when she sees a pussy. Nothing really to be jealous of at all.

I'm friends with a guy who is friends with a former Playboy model. So I guess you could say I'm 1 degree away from 212 degrees.

Being bigheaded can be as irritating and as dangerous as being small-minded.

At the dockside I was pleasantly surprised to find the North wasn't all hairy men in animal skins. There was also hairy women in animal skins.

My wife converted me to religion. I never believed in hell until I married her.

Some women walk towards a better future. Others have chauffeurs.

When it's all said and done remember, "You are only as old as you look.

Without hope we fail to exist.

Don’t be afraid of failures it takes courage to try new things & only those who try create miracles.

Engineer is the one who thinks Dark Fantasy is a condom and not a biscuit

Stop crying. You're giving archangels everywhere a bad name.

From my novel, "A Twist in Travel:Fate," "What, you've never seen a grown man naked?!

The least we each ought to do for someone who treats us like a king or a queen is to treat them like a prince or a princess.

If you give a writer a line, they'll take a paragraph…

The last time everyone loved or at least liked everyone was when the world had a population of about 4.

come on, you shouldn't continue to disturb your mind with everything. Avoid thinking about anything at all, leave something, keep something and think about something!